pinkling's place

day one

2012-02-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

Day one of Fitness challenge plus Daniel Fast. So far, so good. I still need to run, but I have a lot of the food that I'll need to make a go of the nutrition side. I even bought a Nalgene to replace the ones I've lost. Water is going to be key. I miss working. I'm also going to keep track of the connection between job and fitness and spiritual/psyche health.

weltschmerz to joy

2012-02-13T11:48:00.000-08:00

Weltschmerz: Must Speak Bhutanese

My routine: find out about a job. Apply: write a cover letter and rework an existing resume after researching the company/organization. Wait. Interview. Wait. Somewhere during the process I generally fall in love with the job, and daydream about doing the job. What would I wear? Would I eat lunch at my desk? The process can stop prematurely at any stage. My latest crush ended at 12:11 this afternoon with a “we decided to offer the job to a Bhutanese speaking interpreter we are waiting for the approval of the NC state office. If the status changes we will call you back.”

But, I have to say this was one of the best rejections I’ve received. What do you say to that? I don’t know Spanish let alone Bhutanese; it’s a major oversight in my education. And, I thought I was specialized.

Rejection and failure happen on a regular basis, especially when you’re an idealist. Germans Romantics even coined a word for it: weltschmerz. They added the German words “world” + “pain” to get “worldpain”. According to Merriam-Webster online, there are two definitions:
1. mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state
2. a mood of sentimental sadness.

Of course, there’s a time and place for sentimental sadness when dealing with rejection as any teenager will demonstrate. I had a friend who had a three-day rule with a breakup that he learned from his grandmother. According to him, one is allotted three days of moping misery, and one must put her all into the grief because that’s all you get.

Apathy is definitely a popular option. Disengagement has a lot of different routes whether drugs or chosen ignorance or denial.

There are also really great platitudes to use as a mantras to beef up your will power: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”– Confucius. There’s also work one can put into the front end of rejection and failure. It’s what my sister constantly reminds me to do: manage my expectations. She says I need to be realistic about myself and others. There is a place for cautious optimism emphasis on cautious. She reminds me that there are too many variables in any situation that I don’t know and have no control over.

However, when I opened my Bhutanese rejection, I laughed. Mirth. Yet another option. How ridiculous is this? I’m tired of getting “overqualified” as a reason for not getting a job. It is hard to argue with someone who says “life is pain” because they have a lot of evidence to settle his case. But, maybe I should start thinking in terms of “life is strange” because strangeness allows for room to be shocked and laugh.

Two weeks ago, I was miring in Weltschmerz. Lingering in it. My entire life was feeling like unjust punishment. A Wendell Berry line functioned as my lifeline out of the mental quicksand:
“…Laugh. 
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful 
though you have considered all the facts.” (Manifesto: Mad Farmer Liberation Front)

The Bhutanese clause jolted me out of the week’s funk. It reminded me that my life is a comedy because we are guaranteed a happy ending. It reminded me that I’m owed nothing and know very little. It also gave me hope: if someone can find a job because of Bhutanese then there’s bound to be a job for me using my wacky, miscellaneous skills, experiences and education. Right? Granted, there aren’t refugees in need of Latin and Ancient Greek... unless the zombie movies are for real. Then, I could be the zombie whisperer.

I’m attending a class on the fruits of the Spirit. As coincidence would have it, this past Wednesday was on joy. Of course, there was a differentiation made between joy and happiness. It was also mentioned that the Spiritual fruits were more in line with character traits than with emotion. In the same way God is love and peace, we are to become love, peace, joy, gentleness and etc. It’s hard to wrap my head around joy as a character trait, but I know I’ve encountered people who have joy deeply woven into their soul. And, it’s different than happiness and luck and optimism. I’m thinking mostly of older people who have had rough lives; they earned the right to be bitter. But joy is who they are—it’s in line with gentleness, peace and self-control.

But, we have “to struggle for joy.” It brought me to the ubiquitous concept of dialectic in seminary. Joy is hard earned; it isn’t a default setting. Joy has stiff competition: anger, bitterness, and apathy. But, joy, like enjoyment in Ecclesiastes, is ultimately a gift. It is unattainable on our own striving. Ah, the alchemy of faith, obedience, and grace. Laughter, gratitude, hope, and kindness are all part of the arsenal that help us struggle towards joy—confidence in a big and good God… even after having considered all the facts.

*http://luc.devroye.org/bhutan.html (image address)

How I know I'm Southern...

2012-02-07T18:49:00.000-08:00

My aunt fixed a scrumptious dinner tonight. My mom brought delectable wine. I did my part by thoroughly enjoying everyone's efforts. I was even late. Aunt said, "So, you wanted to feel like a princess, did you?" And, I kind of did... in an under cover way.

When we discussed my gig, we talked for over five minutes about hands and cuticles. My mom gave me some hand lotion out of her pocket book and my aunt told me to massage my cuticles with the cream and sleep in cotton gloves. Paper and filing are apparently the Anti-Christ of a good manicure. This is how I know I'm Southern. And, they approved of my smart outfit (chocolate brown merino turtleneck, brown tweed skirt that I made, my "riding" boots, and pearl earrings).

As for the job, it's eminently doable. The people are from a different tribe, but they are nice. My tribe/clan has suffered from diaspora-- come back, tribe, come back to me. Me lonely. Vancouver, Kingston, Boston, Seattle, DC, Austin, Iowa, seriously, when you could live in the QC with me? I am here roughing it with bad cuticles.

I really want to join a community garden that's convenient. The one I've found is a thirty minute drive one-way. Yowsers. And, you don't eat the food-- you give it away. Double yowsers. I'd want to at least sample the yumminess. Mark my words, I may not get married or have children, but I will have a goat before I die. Dream big, right?

I really want to have an urban farm. Maybe underneath my tweed, there's an unkempt hippy protesting the injustice of materialism and my misguided life. Give me goats or give Wal-Mart! And, I want a chicken coop, blueberries and tomatoes. That would be the beginning. What a fantastic beginning. I'd invite you over for breakfast, and while we ate organic oatmeal and sipped piping hot coffee, the goat would wake us up with her delightful, goatish antics.

1. fixed for cooked

oatmeal breakfast bars

2012-02-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Not Granola Bars!!!! Warning!!! Not Granola Bars!!!

It's like anything vegan. It's similar to the disappointment of watching a movie after you've read the amazingly awesome book. However, if you just took the movie on its own terms, you'd be fine. It'd be one of your favorites... but not compared to your imagination+book's awesomeness.

These are fruity sweet. They have an interesting texture (maybe because I cooked them too long). They are filling. Plus, KEY: they're really easy to make and easy to experiment and change. I took the Oatmeal Breakfast Bars Recipe.

Substitutions: I used flax seeds instead of flax seed meal, apple sauce in lieu of oil and egg. I used raisons as my dried fruit and raw walnuts as my nut. And, I put them in a pan then cut them after they were cooked as you can tell from the picture.

I'll report tomorrow to see how they function as breakfast bars and taste not hot.

So far I'm a fan.

showbiz for ugly people

2012-02-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard "Politics is showbiz for ugly people"? Apparently, Sonny Bono said that the actors looks were the only difference between Hollywood and DC. I think he was right, except for the exceptions. Romney, Pelosi and some others are nice looking. I'm wondering if there's a limitation to how ugly you can be in the age of TV: I think Newt Gingrich and Harry Reid are testing the boundaries out for us.

News is entertainment, and entertainment is diversion. It serves as validation of your world view whether you watch CNN or Fox news. I have to say I've gotten to the point Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are my favorites, and I like behavioral economics over straight economics. The psychology behind economics is far more interesting. American politics is a circus and should be treated as such.

Here's a clip from an interview with one of the Freakanomics authors, Stephen Dubner: The President Matters Much Less than We Think regarding the economy. I think it's worth the six minutes. He's basically saying that politics aren't rational or logical when it comes to economics-- and I believe that. Politics have little to do with logic. Politics runs deeper; it's as deep as how you see the world. I read a study that Americans are more passionate about politics than about religion, and that sounds about right.

As I am being bombarded with political mumbo-jumbo from all sides, I'm realize that politics really is entertainment... diversion. The economy is tough right now; international politics are rocky. Uncertainty wreaks havoc on the human psyche. And, I guess, aligning yourself with a side gives a sense of certainty. At least you know who the good guys and bad guys are.

The Veritas article arguing cogently that our bipartisan system is two sides of the same coin convinced me that our politics are silly. We presented two options: big government or big business. Clearly, the answer lies in neither choice. We need a new framework for questions in order to provide real answers. The useful answers will probably be small, local, common sense, low budget options that center on individuals caring about their neighbors and taking action.

All the shenanigans taking place in the races of elections that take 9 months from now are convincing me that I should get less caught up in the marketing campaigns of federal politicians and get more involved in local politics. Should one even vote when it feels like voting for the most popular movie star in Hollywood?

Harper's Rules Reviewed

2012-02-05T12:56:00.001-08:00

My aunt gave me a copy of Harper's Rules by Danny Cahill about finding love and a job. He connects the two in a novel/self-help hybrid. I appreciate the attempt at a story device even if I don't think Cahill will be nominated for a Pulitzer for his effort. The characters are flat and remain that way. The dialogue is so bad that it made me laugh (that's a compliment, I guess). There's no intrigue-- nothing is left to the reader. Everything is s-p-e-l-l-e-d out. Everything. It must be something to do with the business style of writing-- emphasis on clarity rather than, say, style.

Synopsis:

Harper the brilliant, egotistic head hunter is helping his former client Casey out of a hard spot. Casey's about to lose her job, which Harper finds out through his sheer awesomeness. Casey, a recent divorcee, resigns her job (a no-no) but Harper already has some interviews lined up for her. Voila, Harper writes chapters, texts and chats her through finding her dream job and man. Please note all my cliches, they were inspired by the book.

The cardboard nature of the plot and characters isn't what got me through the 140 page book. There's actually some good advice. I bracketed some sections and put a couple of asterisks in the margins next to some useful pointers.

1. "You haven't committed yet to your career. Down deep you are waiting for a sign, for enough good things to happen to you to justify making a commitment. But, it doesn't work that way. You have to commit first, and then, because you have committed, good things come to you." (p.142)

Cliched, yes. True, yes. Relevant to my professional and personal life, yes.

2. TIme to leave Diagnostic Questions (pp.9-11)

One question: Was it ever what you really wanted?
Another: How many times a day do you laugh during the day?
Another: Do you believe what they tell you at work?
Another: Do you like the work but feel uncomfortable in the culture?

He takes these excellent questions and unpacks them concisely. And, as you can see, they work for a job or a relationship. Brilliant.

3. There's some excellent insight to the interviewing process about the crucial nature of timing and how to express interest.

4. He makes a reference to F. Scott Fitzgerald's concept of the lover and the beloved in a relationship. The power dynamic is in the beloved's favor. And, this reference was believable, satisfying, and sad. Sad because it reminds me of visiting my sister while she was in business school. She and some of her fellow MBAers were just short of brilliant and well-read, but they drank like fish. There's a poetic soul insulated by a cynical, practical shell.

This book isn't by Tolstoy, that's for sure. But I actually read every page, which is more than I can say for most of this kind of book. Most of the time I'd just skim.

vegan recipes

2012-02-03T20:15:00.000-08:00

My ordering at a restaurant

I take food very seriously-- note picture. As we near Lent, I'm deciding to go vegan (except eggs), no caffeine, no sugar. I'm going to do this concurrently with my gym's 8-week fitness challenge-- hence the eggs (I can only eat so many beans and nuts). I'm starting to research meals because eating healthy is expensive, and money isn't my strong suit right now. I'm going to use this as a resource. I need to sign up for the 10k to keep me motivated to run. I'm swimming, doing kettle bells, yoga, etc., but I'm not doing it in a regimented, goal-oriented manner. So, I think planning is key to this venture. Having things on hand (and in pocketbook) is key to success.

Oatmeal Breakfast Bars These look like delicious and healthy snack bars, esp. if you replace the oil with apple sauce. Plus, they have to be cheaper than KIND bars.

Tofu Lettuce Wraps Looks yummy! But, I'm not sure I'll ever make them.

List of Simple Recipes This one serves as good ideas and has lists of alternatives for eggs, butter, etc. It has healthy, easy recipes for mashed potatoes, French toast, and other basics.

The Vegan Stoner A blog with recipes under seven calories.

Eating Well's Vegetarian Recipes

I will report on how the recipes I try turn out!

I'm a little black rain cloud, of course

2012-02-03T18:46:00.000-08:00

I’m just a little black rain cloud
hovering under the honey tree,
Only a little black rain cloud,
pay no attention to little me.

Everyone knows that a rain cloud
never eats honey, no, not a nip.
I’m just floating around over the ground,
wondering where I will drip.

–Winnie the Pooh

My little brother loved this skit growing up, and, therefore, he, my sister, and I can sing it.
I'm a little black rain cloud, of course youtube (worth all 2 minutes and 19 seconds!). And, I've been quite the little black rain cloud the past couple of days.

I accepted a job today!!!!

All 4 or 5 days of it. I'll be F-I-L-I-N-G. The company wanted someone who can alphabetize (so, it should actually be fgiiln) and has good hand-writing. And, yea, I know what you're thinking, the wages are commiserate with the job: they suck. But, it's a job. And, it may lead to other jobs... and, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Hmm.

But I ordered my business cards and it said 14 days until delivery, so I can manage this GLAM (or should I say "aglm") gig in the meantime... before I start hawking my wares. And, I'll feel slightly less indigent.

This afternoon, my little brother said, "I didn't go to college to sweep." I can identify with his angst. I had a similar experience at a florist shop my first year out of college; I started bawling and quit my job within an hour of doing a spectacular job of sweeping. My brother is more even-headed than I: he vented to me.

So, this is to say, I know I can handle 4-5 days of filing. I need to frame it as an adventure. I have to get a criminal background test AND a drug screening in order to get the official offer. We're talking S-E-R-I-O-U-S (eiorssu). (The drug-screening made me nervous-- am I going to need to be high to get through this?) It's in the accounting department-- when else will I get to do espionage in this setting?

I was a dreary black rain cloud talking on the phone with the poor girl trying to land me the job. I said, "FILING?" pause then sigh, "I could probably do that for four days." "It really pays THAT?" To be honest, I need to jot down the fact she didn't hang up on me in my desperately needed but yet to be started Gratitude Journal. I should probably start with a "gratitude index card", I'm a bit of a novice... it'd be less intimidating.

I'm back to praying Psalm 51, I blogged about it here. Last night, I realized I had used up all my emotional reserves and am completely bankrupt when it comes to hope. And, that's okay according to the psalmist... provided I don't commit suicide (maybe even if I do). Steadfast and willing spirits are apparently the work of God. I'll stick to filing and Pooh to collecting honey (ehnoy-- looks like pig latin).

gratitude

2012-01-31T20:11:00.000-08:00

Most of the day I felt sorry for myself. I was grumbling to myself as I cooked chili and no bake cookies for a family at church who just had a baby boy. I was thinking: why doesn't anybody cook for me? Grumble, grumble, grumble. What can you do besides hatch a kid to be worthy of some attention?

I was grumbling to my Aunt at dinner (china, crystal, candle, roast, roasted potatoes, salad, Cab Sav, etc.), and she pointed out that she'd cooked dinner for me. Touche. But, I take that for granted. How lucky am I? She does cook a lot of really good meals for me. She told me I need to keep a gratitude journal-- fair enough.

My mom took off from work today to deliver a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries to a janitor who is retiring. She drove 40 miles. He was a janitor at a school where she had worked over ten years ago; she felt he needed to be celebrated. She spent over fifty dollars on the ridiculous bouquet; she wanted it to be frivolous and over the top. How lucky am I to have a mom like that? A lot of people might do that for a boss, but a janitor?

My mom's friend spent about 3 hours with me this morning helping me set up a website for my "business". She has a Master's in Computer Science. Think how much money that would have cost if she'd charge me her fees?

And the ecstatic welcome I receive from my dog. What if I got that excited about seeing someone come home? Now that's the good life. Right now he's nuzzled up to me as I type. He keeps readjusting himself in order to get petted.

wisdom yoda has

2012-01-30T20:36:00.001-08:00

*

Emotional mixed showers today was. Rain drizzled when my sister responded to me in a text: "You ca n't embarrass me" to a request I had made. I'd have been fine with a "no", but "embarrass" seemed a strong and unnecessary word choice. My brother told me that I'm being overly sensitive, and no doubt that's an aspect of it. I found this article "On Taking It Personally" about an hour later and applied it to my situation. Ergo, clearly, I'm a writer (thanks, Poor Logic). Rain cleared.

I met a teaching buddy for dinner tonight. It was good to chat (there are three teachers I really miss). And chat we did: religion, politics, and money because neither of us is couth. Of course, I got around to my "business plan", which everybody gets to eventually hear about if they get into a conversation with me. I told him the name, the idea, the niche. I don't think he was overly impressed; he seemed to think it was good stop gap, which wasn't what I wanted to hear. But, that's why I like him. Finally he gave me his advice in the form of a Yoda quotation: "Do or do not... there is not try."

* http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-yoda-halloween-costume.html

muchness report

2012-01-29T19:43:00.000-08:00

*
The Mad Hatter: [to Alice] "You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." This quotation and the connected theme made the new Alice movie far more interesting, and Johnny Depp made it more sinister. I digress.

But, "muchness" is a very real attribute. I think this new business adventure is reinvigorating my muchness. I'm excited and energized. I'm researching, writing, planning, analyzing... all stuff I LOVE to do! And, it may pay off! I want to become a Slasher: tutor/personaltrainer/writer/entrepreneur/consultant. Boom.

I spoke with a good friend last night. He told me that I sounded the best that I have in a long while. He also said that there were no guarantees of success, but that didn't mean the idea isn't worth pursuing. He pointed out that I'd learn and grow and that I couldn't get more broke. And at worship, our pastor prayed that God would take away our fear and shame, and I realized that I need to pray for that every day-- to pray for my muchness.

I found some cheesy quotations that are deeply flawed, but I like them nonetheless. I'm tired of being risk adverse, and it's not helping me any. I think I'm trying to live a life that isn't mine. Maybe I can't get a job as a nanny or secretary or grocery store clerk because I'm supposed to be wrestling my way into entrepreneurship-- where nothing's safe or guaranteed and I'll always be very aware of that. I'll have to pray and trust God. Yikes.

Muchness is scary! It's overwhelming to feel the possible impact you can have as a human. Imago Dei: to feel the weight, grandeur, and humility of our humanness. It would fill me with ineffable gratitude, and I'd, consequently, be annoyingly positive. And, I am excited. It is an adventure that I can take. I don't have little kids or a mortgage. I don't have a job I could lose. I'm very free and have very little to lose. I don't even own a bed.

Therefore, friends, go be muchier--free of fear and shame!

Cheesy Quotations to Rouse One to Adventure NOW:

The future you see is the future you get. ~Robert G Allen

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. ~Maya Angelou

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. ~Zig Ziglar

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou

Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take risks, don’t wait! ~Misty Gibbs

*http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014759/

The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.

2012-01-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

-William Blake

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.
George MacDonald

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.
Plautus

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.
Toni Morrison

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.
Thomas Aquinas

Accident

2012-01-27T21:08:00.001-08:00

Last night I spent 45 minutes parked on an entrance ramp because of an accident. The ambulance had a hard time getting to the crash site. I was annoyed, irritated, irked. I could have reentered the freeway I was exiting if the cars behind me hadn't been driving so quickly. I could have taken another way and be home!

It took talking to my sister to realize I just avoided a major accident myself. I could have been seriously injured with a totaled car. I pointed out I couldn't afford to get hurt right now because I don't have health insurance. She pointed out that apparently I had a much better form of insurance than can be bought.

I get bent out of shape so easily and miss the big picture. Maybe one day my initial reaction will be to say, "Thank you, Jesus." But, then again, that'd require maturity and wisdom. These days, I get maturity and wisdom from outside sources, which is better than not at all. It's a good reminder all my rushing is rather pointless.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-- the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse." Philippians 4:7 (the message)

Expectation Exceeded: Fantastic

2012-01-27T05:54:00.000-08:00

1
Last night I experienced Opera Carolina's Madama Butterfly, which far exceeded my expectations! Not to sound pretentious, Jun Kaneko's set and costumes were stunning. Several times "Wow!" escaped my lips. Kaneko truly used the space. I couldn't use my binoculars much because I wanted to see the entire stage.

2
I was expecting a cheesy, over-the-top love story. Instead, I got politics: American Imperialism, Orientalism, gender politics, socioeconomics. There's also the age old story of the naivete of a 15 year-old girl glossing over a multitude of obvious red flags-- Madama Butterfly, it so much easier to see what you want to see instead of what's there. I heard the tail-end of a lecture before the show, and the woman said this opera's themes could be distilled into "joy, love and pain." I didn't get that at all. What I came away with is how political and personal history intersect in very real ways. We are our culture, and our culture has deep imprints on our identities and attitudes. It is a love story full of joy and pain, but love stories aren't separate from macro-history. Also, the power of art and creativity is actually breath-taking. Amazing art, whether a poem, novel, mobile, sculpture, sonata, opera, painting, transfixes and transforms.

3
I've never been to an opera where the visual component was as powerful and integrated with the music. Puccini does flamboyance well. Kaneko complemented without competing with the music. I was truly engaged with the multi-sensory experience. My mind was busy taking in all the beauty and ideas. The performance was enchanting. I escaped all my worries and entered into this world of love, politics, and beauty.

4
The Mint has some of Kaneko's art on exhibition concurrently. Brilliant. He does minimalism so well. Apparently, ever since Kaneko designed this set and costumes it has been awing audiences throughout North America. And, I know why. Even if you don't like opera, you'd be hard pressed not to like this performance.

1. http://www.thedailypage.com/isthmus/article.php?article=24385 (stage)

2. http://magazine.creativecow.net/article/orchestrating-a-simple-wipe (death scene)

3. http://www.wfae.org/wfae/19_100_0.cfm?action=display&id=8157 (curtain)

4. http://www.locksgallery.com/news_item.php?nid=1 (vases)

Cautious Optimism

2012-01-26T06:44:00.000-08:00

Joy is the most simple form of gratitude. Karl Barth

I've been methodically beating my head against the cliched brick wall. Performing the same task over and expecting a different outcome is a definition of insanity, and this has been the precise route my job search has taken. No wonder I'm feeling a little crazy. The most useful thing I've been doing during these months is praying for a solution, i.e. job.

Instead of a job, my sister suggested an idea that incorporates so many of the things I want to do and excel at (kids, creativity, teaching, learning, complexity, flexibility, exercise, autonomy). It would involve self-employment and several of my passions and things I have experience doing. In fact, it's borderline genius, and there doesn't appear to be anything like it... at least in this area.

But, there's a lot of work to get there. I'm not sure how it will all work; I'm going to have to do a lot of research. I'm going to have to figure out who to ask questions. I read that the highest vocabularies and IQs belong to entrepreneurs-- not scientists, doctors, professors (although technically some of those have become entrepreneurs). Just dipping my toe into the waters of this concept is making me believe this factoid. The intelligence fact is making realize how much help I'm going to need.

I'd really like to see if I could get it set up for the summer but definitely by the fall. I'm feeling the most excited I have in a while! This is making me feel gratitude for my quirky package of talents, temperament and experience instead of dread and a wtf mentality. However, the idea hit me the same day I went to a lecture on patience. Hmm.

out of order

2012-01-24T18:18:00.000-08:00

Today I worked hard: kettle bells and running. When finished, I went directly to the steam room and lay down. It was really drippy so I just turned on my stomach. Then, it stopped pumping steam altogether. I stayed in there hoping it would come on and just relaxed. I'd been content to be on the carpet in front of my locker. Finally, I began to get a little cold. I walked out and I read the sign on the door: "Out of order" as I watched the little ole biddies in the sauna across the hall gawk at me. They must of thought I can't read, am stupid, or both. Oh well. Later, I told my mom and she said, "You should have gone into the men's." She then cackled.

my newest nemesis

2012-01-24T13:20:00.001-08:00

The Kettlebell

Prologue:
I've been trying to work out at least ten hours a week. (Working out is the best thing I can do for morale these days.) And, my sister has hired a personal trainer. Those who don't know me may fail to make the automatic connection. Here are two clues: I'm thrifty and competitive. My sister has mentioned a lot of exercises some more interesting than others, but the kettlebell remarks got my attention because I did them one time before with a friend and liked them.

Story:
I showed up at a Total Strength class as a novice last Tuesday. The teacher announced, "We're doing kettlebells tonight." And, boy, did we. I was sore through Saturday, especially my legs. Needless to say, I went to another class today because I got so sore last week, which means I need MORE. They combine the weight work with cardio and abs. It's really fun because a) all exercises are timed with a max of 90 seconds (I can do anything for 90 seconds), b) there's a lot of jumping, c) you get to use momentum with the weights-- so they swing. My legs were trembling as I left. Not to mention the teacher came over three times to help me with my form. The teacher would have embarrassed me when I was in my twenties, but all I was thinking, "This is a lot cheaper than a personal trainer!"

Conclusion:
I will be back for more of the sore! I figure I'll go to at least ten classes to figure out what I'm doing, then I can start doing it on my own. Right now I can feel my shoulders-- that's nice. I like this better than straight up weight-lifting, and I want to be svelte come May. Plus, I feel like I'm accomplishing something, which is a good (and necessary?) feeling. I'm thinking about training for a half marathon in April, but maybe I should just do the 6k and do a fantastic job.

BEWARE of DOG

2012-01-23T20:06:00.000-08:00

Ferocious DOG who refuses to bark

I love the sign: "Beware of DOG". It is awesome because it is missing "the". Sasha gets a promotion: he isn't "a dog" or "the dog". He is DOG. With this designation, he deserves his own comic book series and cape. DOG to the rescue. He is the platonic ideal of a dog: DOG. It's a lot to live up to, but Sasha just wags his fluffy tail.

Then again, maybe the pressure is why he spends so much of his day in repose on his comfy bed. Maybe it is why he conserves his barks. One never knows when he'll be called on to BARK because that is what DOG does.

Then there is the other side of the sign, who designed it? Did he graduate from Fortune Cookie Fortune School where he mastered the art of vaguely awkward syntax? BEWARE of DOG. Was he maximizing the space? Was it a joke or meant to be menacing?

(I'm going to try to make this blog more about the writing and less of a teenage diary. I did say try. See, this was an attempt at comedic writing. Read it again and see if it worked.)

Adios 2011!!!!

2012-01-01T10:20:00.000-08:00

If I were to summarize 2011 in a word, I'd choose from the thesaurus entry for "difficult". Something along the lines of arduous, treacherous, tough, relentless. There were glimmers of beauty among the rubble... and lots of unpackaged lessons lying around to be learned when my heart and soul were ready. I'm probably a littler rougher, tougher and more gentle for the wear.

Deciding to quit my job felt like a reasonable proposition-- I had nine interviews lined up. One out of nine seemed like legitimate odds. Oh, I learned: don't count your chickens before they hatch. I'm learning that confidence and hope have to lie outside of circumstances. I've always wondered what Paul meant to have his identity in Jesus alone and now I'm beginning to understand. It's not that circumstances aren't real, it's that they're transitory and ephemeral. The good and the bad are fleeting as the teacher in Ecclesiastes frames all of human life in terms of vapor.

Also along the lines of Ecclesiastes, enjoyment and fun are gifts. I feel like a spoiled-rotten little kid pouting at my birthday present because of the one gift I didn't receive who has completely lost sight of the twenty unwrapped ones that surround me. Employment is kind of a big deal when you don't have a trust fund, but it isn't everything. My uncle really brought this home to me when he exhorted me to run more. He reminded me that although it doesn't pay the bills, it's something a lot of people can't do. In Ecclesiastes, the teacher says that a rich man can only enjoy his riches if God lets him. How many miserable well off people are there? I think about the statistics regarding anti-depressants in North America. I really believe we've been especially conditioned in our materialistic culture to be unsatisfied and malcontent. What would happen to our economy if we were more concerned with loving people instead of impressing them? I'm learning how to care less about what people think about me and try to love and see them on their own terms.

"What is life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare." WH Davies

I have been living far below the poverty level for a couple of months now. Needless to say, I've made it because of family and friends. The friend I live with charges a very reasonable rent and letting me pay as I can. Friends and family either invite me to dinner or some half price fare that I can afford. And, I'm learning how little I really need. I used to try to buy something new when I went out on a date (especially a first date) but not now. I can't. And, I'm realizing the success of the date has little to do with my outfit... it has more to do with my hair and makeup (just kidding). Not spending time shopping and wanting stuff frees up a lot of time and energy... so I can run... and think deep (?) thoughts.

Anyway, I'm reading three books right now and I need to finish two of them by tomorrow. Adios.

good news!!!

2011-12-21T09:49:00.000-08:00

I received two rejections by noon today. That's nice. Plus, it's a monsoon outside. The sound of the rain woke me up this morning. Yet, a good day because of the really fun first date last night. I'm choosing to think about the positive. Mand, we went to an art museum-- it was so much fun and very funny. I'd been, but he hadn't. He made me notice things that I hadn't before. Then, we drank wine and ate tapas, which sounds really pretentious but was actually a lot of fun.

Lessons I'm learning.
1. Focus on the positive. My uncle reminded me how lucky I am to be in good shape-- to not take my health for granted. And, he's right. Joining the gym has been really good for me. I can have challenges outside of finding a job. And, allowing myself to enjoy last night despite my career being nonexistent; not being defined by circumstance. Life is still good, or, I should say: God is good despite this rather glaring circumstance.

It reminded me of the realization I had in Japan: running is a really cool gift God gave me. Running (and walking) was a total consolation when in Japan; it was an escape. It still is. Plus, it helps me sleep and keeps me sane and fit. I always wanted something flashy-- like singing. But, no. God knows best.

I read this earlier today, and it fits: “In difficult times, you should always carry something beautiful in your mind.”--Blaise Pascal. Then Luci Shaw commented, "Grace in any mode is a form of beauty--undeserved but freely bestowed and available."

2. Patience. All of life is waiting. Last night looking at the art, I experienced again the simple act of waiting. There's something to be said for a little puzzling and interaction with something new. It takes time and reorientation to understand something in its own terms. What was the artist trying to do? I'm learning to presume there's a bigger context than the one I initially considered. The same is true for people and situations. It takes time to figure out what's going on and what God's doing (not that I'll ever figure that out!).

Here's an example: My phone hasn't been working since Saturday. I went to the store to find out how to fix it. The sales people said it was beyond being fixed and the warranty had expired. They told me that I'd have to buy a new phone. I responded that this probably wasn't the best time to hawk me a phone since mine had just broken. In my twenties, I would have just said, "Screw it", thrown the phone away and be without a phone. However, I'm slowly maturing and emailed a former student with my problem. He told me to take out the battery and submerge it in rice for at least twelve hours. I did it for about 24 hours, and, by jove, it works! I wrote back to thank the student. I feel I was being rewarded for being patient.

farm

2011-12-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

I went to a farm yesterday with my mom. It was out near where I grew up, and I've known the owners since I was a baby. It was weird to go out in the country. It's still gorgeous but seems smaller. They paved the road on which I grew up. I liked it as a dirt road.

We went for ground beef, but we bought sorghum molasses instead. No doubt you can figure out what happen. The lady tried to sell us beef sausage. No offense, but that sounds kind of nasty. However, I've never had it. It may be the most awesome sausage EVER, and I am totally missing out. So, I feel legitimately Southern with my molasses.

And, I've been walking instead of running, which takes more time but is more relaxing. Well, a different kind of relaxing.

I have a first date on Tuesday to the art museum that I'm very excited about. Now, I'm wondering what I should wear. Dress? Skirt? Black pants? Jeans? It's going to be fairly warm. It can't be any worse than my interviews, right?

I watched three movies recently: Cape of Good Hope, Northanger Abbey and Like Water for Elephants. I listed them in order of preference. I didn't really like the last one.

Oh, how could I forget: I made 15 bean soup that actually tastes really good.

This is all, of course, is juxtaposed with real news: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, 69, has died. Will his son be a better leader than he?

lesson

2011-12-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

I went to a church meeting about a major decision. I was expecting to figure out what was going on-- what ideas were at stake. I'm less clear about what happened and the conflict. But, that was the point of the meeting: it's not about being factual and correct. It's about unity, love and being under authority. An attorney on the committee said to think about the situation in terms of interpretation rather than choice. Our pastor said that we needed to withhold judgment and wait and see because there was a lot of information and misinformation. We also needed to trust that the Spirit was at work.

I learned a lot listening to the lecture and conversation. It made me respect these people even more. I didn't figure out what I wanted to, and that's okay. In fact, not getting what you want can be a very good thing. There's life application in this.

depletion

2011-12-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I find job applications so depleting, but I do. I applied to about seven jobs yesterday (about 3-4 hours of actual work) and was exhausted. I applied to two today and am tired. I'm less surprised and irritated by how redundant the applications are. Today's I had to fill out my reference information in two separate locations on the same internet application. One was in an Excel format and one was in Word. Seriously. I sometimes think it's some form of psychological test to see if you have what it takes to survive the bureaucratic mechanisms of the institution. "Dance, monkey, dance."

It's weird trying to maintain an identity separate from this uphill battle. Working out is helping. Prayer is definitely helping. This has made me realize the holes in my social network around here... again. I have more friends in DC, New York and Seattle than I do here. I need to reach out more to the people I know here, and figure out ways to branch out. And, I need to do all this with spending as little money as possible. Yes? Yes. I hang on to the possibility that I'm learning something profound and pragmatic and building character.

Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller Quasi-Reviewed

2011-12-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

Counterfeit Gods

I picked this book up in my mom's church's library. I really liked Prodigal God and thought that odds were in this books favor. I was right. This book was good; it was far more powerful than I expected it would be. It's founded in Scripture and profoundly relevant. He talks about surface idols and deep idols and how insidious idolatry is. Reading about it reminded me of kudzu; idolatry is the kudzu of the heart.
kudzu

Idols are rarely bad things: love, family, work. It's just taking a good thing and turning it into an ultimate thing. Keller writes about the distortion and the correction: Jesus Christ. He always brings it back to Jesus. He roots his teaching in the stories of Abraham, Jacob and Jonah woven with modern examples. After reading this book, I needed to pray. I needed to pray while reading it. The book functioned in the same way art does. It brings new light into the familiar, unsettling the seemingly comfortable. It reminds me that as Christians, we are pilgrims in a foreign land. It reminds me of all of Jesus's I AM statements: he is the way, the bread of heaven, life, etc. All else although really, truly amazing and good cannot satisfy. It reminds of Darrell Johnson saying that if you don't offer up your idols to God, he will take them.

This said, it's a gentle, gracious book. I'd recommend it to anyone. It's a provocative, thoughtful book.

crazy train

2011-12-12T12:04:00.000-08:00

This morning I called a guy with whom I'd had a phone interview last week to follow up about my resume. The guy answered the office phone, but just to make sure I said, "May I speak with ____?" I thought he'd say, "This is he." But, NO. He said, "He's not in. Please leave a message on his cell." So, I did. Shocker, he didn't pick up. I think this let me know that this isn't the job for me.

Then the leaf guy came to clean the leaves off the roof and out of the yard, but he forgot his ladder. So, he had to go back home and get it.

I fixed my mom and brother dinner, but they're not coming to my house. I'm taking everything over to my mom's.

39 to go

2011-12-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

I tutored a kid today. I think we're going to get along. His favorite subject is history. We spent time getting to know each other and writing an article review for Health class. He decided to write on the Green Bay Packers' upcoming game. I learned a lot about football. He was a really cool kid. We talked about the Romans. I hope the gig takes.

Both his parents are writers: his mom is a journalist and his dad a published author. That's a little awkward and adds some pressure. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

One hour of paid work this week... now I just need to find 39 more as cool as this one.

it was bound to happen...

2011-12-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

I bought wine, and the cash register girl didn't even bother to check my ID. I must look over thirty.

Of course, I am over thirty... and grocery stores have very harsh lighting. I won't ever get a photo shoot done in a grocery store. I bet Oprah never goes into one for that very reason.

new goal

2011-12-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

I gave a pint of A+ blood on Wednesday afternoon at the library during a thunderstorm. It was an overall good experience-- one exception-- lady let walk-ins go before appointments. Not cool. Lesson learned-- go in the middle to late part of the period. However, I met some cool people and learned that the elevation of the place you visited in India affects whether or not you can give blood. The #1 cool person was the little lady volunteer in charge of snacks after you give. She was 78 years old and chatty. We were talking about random stuff then got onto the topic of working out. This little lady meets with a personal trainer three times a week and can do 30 "man push-ups" (direct quote). She can also bench more than I can. But, I do more cardio than she. She was envious that my gym has a pool. She said she took being in good shape seriously because some of her grandchildren and great grandchildren were obese, and she wanted to be a good role model for them. I told her that my family had more cautionary tales than role models. Seriously, when you meet old people like this, it gives one hope about getting older. She was talking about how her house is messier since retirement because she's so busy. Coolness.

Before giving blood, I rowed for the first time in years on Wednesday. I did 5x1k workout with .25 mile running recoveries. It was slow but reasonable. When I rowed in college I tried my 500 splits under 2:00 no matter what-- 12k pieces or 90 minute sessions. I needed under 1:50 to keep my position on a boat for more competitive pieces. This time I tried to keep my measly 1ks under 2:10, which I did. It felt really good. I'm going to incorporate more rowing into my workout. I was sweating within 4 minutes, and it's not just about going full-out. It's about pacing and stroke rating and form. There was a guy on the erg beside me that had clearly never rowed on the water. I managed to keep all my unsolicited advice to myself. The whole time I watched him I was thinking, "He's going to kill his back."

Job related: I applied to the chaplaincy program in the Army earlier this week. It's a pretty long process, and I'd have to go back to school to convert my Master's into an MDiv, which is kind of a nice prospect. I'd have to the candidacy program, which means I'd go into the reserves for 7 years. I was whining to my sister that I'd be over forty when I was finished with the entire process. She pointed out that I'd be over forty in 8 years no matter what I do, so that shouldn't really be a factor not to do something. My other concern is what about IF I meet a guy and want to get married and have kids-- being prego in a combat zone doesn't seem overly ideal. My sister pointed out again that my cousin's wife got pregnant while stationed in Japan (noncombat zone), and she was released from duty. This is to say, the military works with you. But, it seems like a really interesting, important job. Imagine getting to interact with people in such a critical time of life. These men and women are going to be asking crucial questions about meaning and life, etc. And, although there's pluralistic protocol, you still get to pray and care for these people.

I have my first tutoring gig in a while with a 12 year-old boy who sounds like he's a trip. I'm excited. I also figured out some places I want to start volunteering.

So, we shall see. My appeal worked somewhat: I'm going to have a hearing. I'm on my way!

Must go work on my upper body strength!

pilates

2011-12-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

Pilates kicked my butt today. A good, swift kick. I should have known when all the chicks were decked out in legit gear showing off their svelte bodies. Next time, I'm going to a class with chubby people in sweat pants. I was in the back equally unbalanced with the lone dude. I was sweating and mildly stressed, then my sense of humor came to my rescue. It was oddly ridiculous: while we were doing these bizarre, painful exercises, people were shouting out about stock options and christmas decor. And, I felt like I got a good enough workout that I didn't feel obligated to run in the rain. And, I ate healthily the rest of the day. My snack tonight was carrots. Carrots. Clearly, this week-old gym membership is working its magic. Next thing I'm going to be selling athletic gear at Sports Authority, drinking protein shakes and training for an Ironman. Watch out!

And, I heard back from two job prospects. One of them I talked with the guy on the phone for over an hour. I think I'd really like the work, but it pays very little. Very little is of course much more than I'm making right now, and it's very interesting, worthwhile work.... And, it's work. We shall see. Maybe, they'll work in tandem. The other's a little blah, but it'd pay the bills better than saving the world.

I watched The World's Greatest Dad with Robin Williams. It's interesting not great. The soundtrack is good, and I love Robin Williams. The protagonist is real-- not overly like-able but still sympathetic.

relief!

2011-12-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

Thursday I finished and faxed my appeal. I faxed it again on Friday just for good measure. My brother took the copy over to the business. My cousin told me to wrap my head around the fact that my winning was a total crap shoot. But, I think the odds are slightly in my favor because of economy and political party in power. I hope I'm right. I really, really hope. It ultimately comes down to who is the referee and God.

I taught my long awaited Advent seminar this morning to six people two of whom I'm related. I had a technology scare this morning: I connected my computer to the projector, and the screen didn't project. Then, about fifteen minutes later it did. Plus an IT guy came. God had it covered. But, it was an ideal start because we could fit around a table and talk, which is what I envisioned. People talked... a little too much. I went in concerned about getting people engaged. The people who came were ready to talk. The problem was I got through about half of my material. We missed some really good stuff. My uncle and brother gave me good feedback; they're probably the most honest. My brother told me that I brought my A game, but I need to work on speaking more fluidly. He said I made little noises (hmm, okay) that detracted from the presentation. He's probably right because I hadn't fully thought out what I was going to say. I made some bullet points. Plus, I was monitoring other people to see how they were doing. Teaching has definitely helped me with facilitating a group. I just called on people to read or respond. A lady pointed out the irony of the words of "o come, o come Emmanuel": we're saying "come" to God-with-us. I wanted a unhurried, meditative pace, and I got it. I might need to speed it up next time. It was a positive experience.

I'm feeling paranoid about church now because this lady I barely know told me while smiling and nodding her head, "Now, I know how you really are." I dodged her question with a vague answer the previous week; it was the kind of thing my grandmother would say. I said something like: "I'll think about it" instead of a flat no. I'm trying to adjust to being in the South. So, I wonder if she gossiped with other ladies.

And, I told my roommate (who goes to the church) that I'd keep her dog for the month of December if she paid me $10/day-- the going rate is at least $25. I thought she'd be pleased. She told me,"You're being outrageous! I'll take the dog to Florida." Then told me how ungrateful I was; um, I pay rent. Rent must not count as gratitude. So I am glad I asked in order to stand up for myself, but I think it definitely put a rift in our relationship because she demonstrated an attitude that's come out before of my owing her something. I promised to keep her dog in September for her trip to Switzerland and in January for her trip to Honduras; I didn't promise to dog sit for month-long periods for free whenever she decides. I miss the dog more... at least so far. I promised myself a new place by May 1st; it may be sooner because there's a weird, unhealthy dynamic. (Seriously?!? This is pathetic, but it took up a lot of head and heart space this week.)

Good news: a weekly tutoring gig is in the works, and it hopefully starts tomorrow. And, a lady contacted me about nannying. I need to find out more, but there's potential. It looks like I may be able to teach in Anchorage just on my Praxis scores; I need to call. I'm back in touch with an old friend in town, which has been really nice. I exercised every day except Thursday; I think joining the gym is going to improve morale. Huzzah!

harrowing but successful day

2011-12-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

Lost in the Cosmos. Itchy scratchy with energy to do something worthwhile and amazing. It's frustrating and exciting. It happens to me even when I'm engaged in a job. Restlessness. The complete inability to say, "This is it, and it's enough." It' good to realize this on the outside of a job or marriage or parenthood in order to realize it's internal friction... and it's not all bad. It just needs to be channelled.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5 (The Message)

This said, today was filled with effective busyness. I finished and faxed my appeal. I'm further along on my Advent class that happens Saturday. And, I'm more and more aware of how much I lucked out in the mom department. I got top of the line. This holds true for my entire nuclear family and a lot of the extended. I can used "blessed" in this category and feel overly cheesy. This diatribe is sponsored by the 2.5 hours my mom worked with me editing and honing the appeal. She's really smart and educated plus she's really into acting out her love. One time, Mom did something pretty amazing, way over the expected. I thanked her sheepishly and told her she didn't have to do it. She said, "I tell you 'I love you', but the words would ring hollow if I didn't back it up with action." Or something along those lines. It's pretty solid.

O Radix (Root of Jesse)

2011-11-30T10:23:00.000-08:00

All of us sprung from one deep-hidden seed,
Rose from a root invisible to all.
We knew the virtues once of every weed,
But, severed from the roots of ritual,
We surf the surface of a wide-screen world
And find no virtue in the virtual.
We shrivel on the edges of a wood
Whose heart we once inhabited in love,
Now we have need of you, forgotten Root
The stock and stem of every living thing
Whom once we worshiped in the sacred grove,
For now is winter, now is withering
Unless we let you root us deep within,
Under the ground of being, graft us in.

-Malcolm Guite

Activity

2011-11-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

I've been a busy bee.

Morale has been low. Yesterday was extremely rough, so I decided I had to take some form of action. I joined a gym yesterday; I found one with a sliding scale that I could afford right now. The people were kind and helpful. And I met with a Personal Trainer today to go over a weight lifting program. My trainer was impressed that I gravitated towards the free weights... and I had good form. And, I filled out the sheet of exercises so she could talk and demonstrate. She said she had a really good time. I was reminded of a lot and started cobbling out a possible routine. Then I swam for 35 minutes, which I'm really feeling now. I earned the steam room but didn't have time for the sauna. I totally sketched out this woman in the steam room by coughing. I wanted to tell her I wasn't contagious, but I figured that would only make things worse. She got up and left. So, I think working out will help out my crazy mood swings. The running I did last week reminded me how much better life is when your active. Walking the dog isn't enough even if it's over 2 miles a pop. And, I think I found a trail race I want to run on January 21st: I need to decide 4, 9, or 13 miles.

I went by the church office and got things set up for the class I'm teaching on Saturday. I'm glad I went early because I need an adaptor for my Mac. But, I'm really excited about the speakers. There's a sub wolfer. The sound sounds great! I'm getting excited. It's going to be a small class, but I'm kind of excited about that. We'll fit around a table.

I went to the Army and Air Force recruiters to chat possibilities. I'm too old for OCS in the Army. As of April, you have to be no older than 29. And, the regulations on being a Chaplain are insane-- no wonder they have a hard time recruiting. On one level it's a good thing, we need excellent chaplains. On the other, seriously? Someone's going to put that much effort into being shot at when she has to be without a weapon?

And, I've researched, been to an office and made several phone calls regarding my appeal. I think I'll write it tomorrow. I need to send it by Friday.

Action is very therapeutic. I feel less a victim when there's something to do. It makes waiting feel more fruitful.

Oh come, oh come Adonai

2011-11-28T18:44:00.000-08:00

The Adonai, the Tetragramaton
Grew by a wayside in the light of day.
O you who dared to be a tribal God,
To own a language, people and a place,
Who chose to be exploited and betrayed,
If so you might be met with face to face,
Come to us here, who would not find you there,
Who chose to know the skin and not the pith,
Who heard no more than thunder in the air,
Who marked the mere events and not the myth.
Touch the bare branches of our unbelief
And blaze again like fire in every leaf.
-Malcolm Guite

Our God-with-us

2011-11-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

O come, O come, and be our God-with-us
O long-sought With-ness for a world without,
O secret seed, O hidden spring of light.
Come to us, Wisdom, come unspoken Name
Come Root, and Key, and King, and holy Flame,
O quickened little wick so tightly curled,
Be folded with us into time and place,
Unfold for us the mystery of grace
And make a womb of all this wounded world.
O heart of heaven beating in the earth,
O tiny hope within our hopelessness
Come to be born, to bear us to our birth,
To touch a dying world with new-made hands
And make these rags of time our swaddling bands.

-Malcolm Guite

Happy New Year! Happy Advent!

2011-11-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

O Sapientia

I cannot think unless I have been thought,
Nor can I speak unless I have been spoken.
I cannot teach except as I am taught,
Or break the bread except as I am broken.
O Mind behind the mind through which I seek,
O Light within the light by which I see,
O Word beneath the words with which I speak,
O founding, unfound Wisdom, finding me,
O sounding Song whose depth is sounding me,
O Memory of time, reminding me,
My Ground of Being, always grounding me,
My Maker’s Bounding Line, defining me,
Come, hidden Wisdom, come with all you bring,
Come to me now, disguised as everything.

by Malcolm GuiteOh Come, Oh Come. Some Advent reflections

recent music fixations

2011-11-26T18:22:00.000-08:00

Civil Wars' "Poison and Wine"

Bedouin Soundclash "Brutal Hearts"

So you need smokey eye makeup to listen to these songs because they're so groovy. But, I listen to them in sweat shirts. You have my permission to do the same. Enjoy

thanksgiving

2011-11-26T07:41:00.000-08:00

"your burdens are light, but your blessings are heavy... almost too weighty to bear." Ordinary Time

One of my favorite traditions at the high school I went was the Thanksgiving assembly. It usually lasted about an hour and a half, which would usually be a bad thing. But, all the girls could get up to the announcement microphone and list the things for which they were grateful. The litany ranged from the prosaic to the profound: gummy bears and four leaf clovers to recoveries from cancer and peace treaties.

This time of year when the days grow short and the night long, the weather cold and gray... one can palpably feel the dichotomy of mirth and misery that is humanity's lot. On the one hand, the weather is dreary, but on the other, how much more enjoyable is a mug of coffee or a cup of soup. And, it feels so delightful to walk into a toasty room after being out in the cold.

One has a decision to focus on the dreary weather or the bright warmth of the fireplace. It's an excellent and much-needed reminder of choice in interpretation of the data of one's life. I'm enjoying St. Paul's writings a lot more because he wrote a lot of them from prison, and I'm finding consolation in this. He wrote: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about such things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:4-9).

This was written by a guy who was unjustly imprisoned and beaten. Paul had a lot of reasons to be bitter, but he wasn't. He wasn't even self-absorbed in all his suffering. He was still focused on his churches. As I look at the list of whatever is true..., it's a long list. I now realize that sometimes you have to look long and hard to discover the redeemable aspect of the situation. Paul's instructions imply a really tough life: the "always", the "everything", "whatever" and "anything" don't leave room for a comfy, safe life. He says our hearts and minds need to be guarded by something supernatural-- that's really intense. And, it also seems we learn the Christian life by imitating and learning from those on the path before us... living and dead.

I heard a sermon on the radio last night by a Baptist minister who was taking the rejoice always verse above and Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called according to his purpose." He said that Christians kind of use them as proof of how good life is-- along the lines of prosperity gospel. But, he said if you step back and think about what Paul is saying is that God is sovereign and has the power to work good in any circumstance no matter how horrible and dire it is, which is incredibly different than saying God promises believers a good, easy life. Man, look what he did to his own son. But, I also was aware of the kaleidoscope of timing involved in me hearing this sermon so apropos to my situation.

So, although I can't honestly say I'm grateful for being unemployed in a crappy economy, I am grateful for persistent friends who put up with me, for figuring out flaws and illusions in my world view, and the compassion and warmth of a broken heart. I'm learning how little stuff I need. I wouldn't have believed you. My identity is under fire, and that's not all bad, in fact, it's much needed. I have a wonderful family and set of friends who I do not deserve. I can run and walk. I can cook while drinking wine. I have a beautiful dog to pet. Some gorgeous memories to luxuriate in. Friends who have confidence in me despite evidence to the contrary. An excellent spicy pumpkin soup recipe. And, a heart and soul that's being transformed. (Hopefully) I'm becoming more like Charis, Bill, Mandy, Grace, Alvin, Jerry, Mom, etc. and ultimately Jesus.

family day

2011-11-25T19:36:00.000-08:00

L cheering
I spent a lot of time with family today and yesterday. It was mostly good time. I got to hang out with my favorite 6 month old and 2.5 year old. The older one now needs a snack for both hands: 2 strawberries, 2 tortilla chips. She bites one and then the other, wearing them down evenly. Apparently food gets lonely on death row and needs some company. I got to get the little one to sleep. Fun with small children. When they were down I got to hang out with their parents. My cousin is trying to convince me to go into the military. He thinks I'd enjoy intelligence or logistics in the Air Force. It'd be interesting, relatively good pay and give me career options when I got out. I don't know. But, I need to think about it. It's not as if I have a cornucopia of options set before me. We also chatted dogs.

I talked Hunger Games with my cousins in 11th, 9th and 6th grades. Peeta or Gale? Which of the trilogy was the best? The burnt bread-- etc.

I have to say the best part about thanksgiving was the drive with my brother and running the 5 miler turkey trot with my sister. We had a lot of fun. I'm feeling sickish, which my brother says is due to me being a hyperchondriac.

I have to say I'm appalled by Black Friday following Thanksgiving-- and the shopping being the more exciting proposition. It makes Thanksgiving seem kind of weak. I'm so thankful for what I have and the important things in life that I'm going to go and buy a lot more crap and go in debt. I did buy some cold medicine and gas today, but nothing out of the ordinary.

perseverance: memorizing poetry

2011-11-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

I've been creating a new list of heroes through this desert stroll. No famous, pretty, rich or snotty people, but there are a few successful ones. My friend J is on the list. He's waited for 2.5 years to find a pastor job; he wasn't sitting in a basement twiddling his thumbs. He did all this really cool stuff: wrote a book, started an chaplaincy for elderly in a nursing home, began a fitness regime all while being rejected and dealing with a bureaucratic denomination. When I told him he was my hero in all of this, he laughed it off. But, he always offers extremely kind and useful tips (advice) always in the context of a personal anecdote. For instance, he told me he'd adopted Psalm 51:10-12 as his morning prayer. And, I have too. I've added it to my repertoire of Psalm 70:1.

My friend J who has been through an amazingly brutal marriage and divorce being judged by most of her friends because she refused to disclose why they were getting the divorce to prevent her ex-husband being shamed. She's very beautiful but that's not the beauty she cares about. One time J's daughter told her how pretty her preschool teacher was. And J asked, "Why is she so pretty?" Her daughter said, "Because she loves me. She's pretty on the inside... and her shoes."

This is a good time to be meditating on this new hero list because my fifteen high school reunion is fast approaching, and I was deciding whether or not to go being as I am unemployed, single and childless (at least I'm not fat). A veritable failure in the eyes of my 17 year-old self. But I'm realizing I'm developing a new set of standards of evaluating success. Can I go hang out with people that make lots more money, lead glamorous lives, have good-looking, successful husbands and adorable kids and be myself... and have a good time? I will impress myself. God is at work in me after all.

My sister was reporting how successful her prayer life has been recently. So, of course, I told her that she needed to put it to use on my job search. She paused and then told me that she was praying for me to find peace. She said my restlessness was the root of the problem; unemployment a symptom. Yes, she's the shallow one with the MBA. But, it reminded me of a discussion I had with Mandy about paths of sanctification. We're all getting transformed via different routes. Marriage and singleness are different burdens. Being born in the US or Burundi is a different burden. But we're not alone. That's why I like about J's Ps 51 prayer. Implicit is our helplessness and God's grace and love:

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Restore a steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not from your presence
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Renew the joy of your salvation within me.
Uphold me with a willing spirit.

puff of hope

2011-11-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

My visit to Austin was amazing! My friend and her family are great. I didn't want to come back to Charlotte... at all. It's such a nifty city! And, it helps when you're hanging out with cool people. My friend was recovering from the flu, which was sad and made things low key. But, that's cool. It meant we got to sit around and chat a lot. And, we watched North by Northwest, which was good. I'd never seen it; I've only watched Rear Window. I need to get on my Hitchcock.

Max's Wine Dive

We celebrated Jenny's birthday at Max's Wine Dive in downtown Austin. I got to meet Hannah and Laura to of Jenny's hipster friends. One is getting her singer/songwriter career started while working as a software engineer. Another is a student and her boyfriend's in Burundi= fun people to chat with. I had fried chicken, collards, mashed potatoes and texas toast. No prosecco though. It was so yummy. And, it was excellent people watching. First dates are so fun to observe.

Gourdough's Gourmet Donuts

Food Trailers are kind of a big deal in Austin. They seem highly regulated but still manage an avant garde feel. We went to Gourdough's Gourmet Donuts for dessert. It was a thirty-minute wait, which was fine because there were three trailers, lots of picnic tables, good tunes, and lots of people to watch. And, lots of stories.

Baby Rattler

Before I left to go to Austin, my roommate and I discussed how it was seeming clear that God's shutting the door on Charlotte.

unchartered territory

2011-11-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the SNL skit with Will Ferrell: "I cannot control the volume of MY VOICE!"? I feel like that. I cannot control the volume or direction of my emotions! I'm having a hard time concentrating. Writing and reading are too much for most of the day. So, I walk the dog. Or pray. Or clean. Or check my email or Craig's List or Facebook.

I got my eyebrows done today for the interview tomorrow. I didn't want to look scary. I love my "brow artist"; she's really cool. But, we were talking about my interview and discussed discernment and she gave me this prayer to pray every morning: "I trust God to guide me to the place where I can use my abilities effectively and constructively. The way to my right place of my employment is now open." The last part sounds a little Oprah and a little less Bible. But, as my uncle wrote, "Sometimes urgency is the catalyst for persistence." This is definitely true in my prayer life. However, what I like about my "brow artist's" prayer is the reminder that God has given me abilities and the world has need of them. Maybe I should read the story of baby Moses and his nannies to get psyched up for the interview. But, I feel like I've lost my moorings. Who am I? What do I want? What purpose do I serve? These questions are little demons who sick on me when I try to go to sleep right now.

"You got a lot of people in your corner kiddo."

2011-11-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

Jerry wrote me, "You got a lot of people in your corner kiddo." I feel as if I've been set in a corner for being bad like I was when little. I got more than one chance to meditate on my past actions. I'm not sure my time in the corner reformed me any, but my mom got some one-liners out of my siblings and me after we served our time.

I mixed metaphors. Back to Jerry's Rocky corner metaphor. I have some amazing, faithful friends in my corner. Today I was fixating on some friends that have bailed on me, but that's not important. It's the people who are faithful and supportive when the problem is no longer new and exciting that are phenomenal. Fair weather people are to be expected. It's people who still love you when unemployed and mired in self doubt lacking any sense of direction... and still see the you beyond your circumstances. They're the friends who recognize that you're not happy when circumstances are on track too. I tend to take these friends for granted until times like these and the other people disappear. I would really like to know someone who could help me land my dream job, but I'm stuck with these people who love me through thick and thin instead. I want an easy solution and get something much more big and true instead.

Which brought me around to how unexpected Jesus was as the Messiah. The Jews wanted somebody who'd show the Romans who was boss and take them to task militarily and politically. They got Jesus instead. He didn't beat the Romans, but he beat death. And, it wasn't nearly as spectacular or instantaneous as they would have liked. Jesus did fix some people's problems up, but for the most part he didn't.

So in a nutshell, I'm comparing finding true friends in the midst of this unemployment fiasco to the Jewish race's overall disappointment with Jesus as Messiah, a God who bothered to become man and overcome death for all his people yet managed to overlook ridding them of their urgent problem of Roman tyranny. Yes, I do take myself seriously. But, I come to this over and over again. God and I have very different views of the landscape and the horizon-- we're looking at very different things when we're looking at my life. I'm looking at circumstances and he's looking at the status of my heart and soul. Very different targets (although they might be pretty parallel right now... thoroughly decimated).

My friend Mandy had an amazing post yesterday on this; she called it Gratitude. But it's a poem about Jesus' love that's so different than we want and exactly what we need. It's beautiful. After you read it, you'll regret bothering to read my drivel.

speed job-hunting

2011-11-14T18:49:00.000-08:00

One of my big(ger) beefs with looking for a job is how spread out the process is. For instance, the school in the summer took almost two months between turning in my application and getting my rejection letter. You need to have four interviews over a month in order to figure out if you want to hire someone?

Anyway, not today. Today I experienced the job version of speed dating.

I found a job on Craig's List.
9:50 I send email to address.
10:59 Receive email about phone interview.
11:12 I give availability
11:16 set up interview for 2.
2:04-2:19 phone interview. it was a questionnaire.
4:25 I send an email with two clarifications after having walked the dog and rethinking interview.
4:35 Receive polite refusal because I'm overqualified
5:08 I send missive that refutes her position and ask her to reconsider (because after all I have nothing to lose:
"I understand your position, but would like to share my perspective. Your position would be ideal for me and my Master's because I want to adjunct teach at ____. I've talked with the head of the History department I would put me in "adult learner" programs, which translate into a night or weekend class, which is a very part-time job. And, I also love to teach at my church; I'm preparing an Advent seminar right now. So, I'm getting the intellectual stimulation I need; I'm just not getting paid for it. I really do have fun working with children, and they like me too:) Your position would provide a worthwhile, honest, and enjoyable work, and hours, salary and benefits to teach what I love.

"Furthermore, your daughters would benefit from my higher education. All research concludes that whether or not a child goes to college is best determined by her third grade reading scores. And, the single factor that can be quantified about effective teachers is their vocabulary, which I have in spades. So, your investing in me now would have a far better ROI than even than SAT prep tutoring and prep schools, etc. I understand your concerns that are somewhat legitimate, but my benefits far outweigh the dark horse factor (plus, you can't overestimate the power of a bad economy on the fate of a liberal arts major).

"I'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider; I know you'd be pleased."

5:21: receive:
"Okay. You got me. You have valid points. How about a face to face interview on Thursday at our country club?"

So this would have taken far longer in most circles. It's not my dream job, but I'm coming to realize that dream jobs don't really exist. They're kind of like utopias, which literally means "no place" in Greek. And, I failed to mention the three mass emails I sent out today too, which was OVERkill even for me. But, I had no idea how quickly the process would go.

I don't know what God's doing in this and if I'll get the job, but I do know Sasha dog is snoring at my feet... because we went on two walks today.

Gerard Manley Hopkins on Advent/Waiting

2011-11-13T18:34:00.000-08:00

“Patience, Hard Thing!”
Patience, hard thing! the hard thing but to pray,
But bid for, Patience is! Patience who asks
Wants war, wants wounds; weary his times, his tasks;
To do without, take tosses, and obey.
Rare patience roots in these, and, these away,
Nowhere. Natural heart’s ivy, Patience masks
Our ruins of wrecked past purpose. There she basks
Purple eyes and seas of liquid leaves all day.
We hear our hearts grate on themselves: it kills
To bruise them dearer. Yet the rebellious wills
Of us we do bid God bend to him even so.
And where is he who more and more distils
Delicious kindness?—He is patient. Patience fills
His crisp combs, and that comes those ways we know.

George Herbert on Advent/Christmas

2011-11-13T18:29:00.000-08:00

The shepherds sing; and shall I silent be?
My God, no hymn for Thee?
My soul's a shepherd too; a flock it feeds
Of thoughts, and words, and deeds.
The pasture is Thy word: the streams, Thy grace
Enriching all the place.
Shepherd and flock shall sing, and all my powers
Outsing the daylight hours.
Then will we chide the sun for letting night
Take up his place and right:
We sing one common Lord; wherefore he should
Himself the candle hold.
I will go searching, till I find a sun
Shall stay, till we have done;
A willing shiner, that shall shine as gladly,
As frost-nipped suns look sadly.
Then will we sing, and shine all our own day,
And one another pay:
His beams shall cheer my breast, and both so twine,
Till ev'n His beams sing, and my music shine.

unofficial coach

2011-11-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

Somebody really awesome called me her coach today! Woot. It went like this:
"Hi. Just wanted you (my coach) to know that I jogged again today. Think I'm a little over a mile right now (not quite 1.5 miles, but close). Felt so good to be out in the fresh air and sunshine today...."

And, I got up at 6:30 on a Saturday to watch my uncle run his first 5k. It was pretty awesome even if he came in dead last. There were only 36 runners and some of them fell out... you'd think it was a pretty tough course. Apparently my presence at a top of a hill provided motivation to keep running (so it was a less slow dead last). Yep.

So during my own running desert (two puny runs a week at bes), I'm serving as a coach for others. There's a profound metaphor sewn in this somewhere.

Ecclesiastes #9

2011-11-10T19:01:00.000-08:00

My day was a downer, and I was dreading bible study. Women and talking. But, it was really helpful. We laughed a lot, which was much needed.

I've started Tolstoy's War and Peace (p. 60 of 1150-- getting it done). Maybe I'll remember this year as the Tolstoy year instead of the year of my employment discontent.

Also, my advent class is set. You're welcome to come!!
An Introduction to Advent. On Saturday, December 3, 2011, Pinkling will be conducting an interactive seminar on the season of Advent from 9:00-11:30 at the church office. We’ll be looking at the advents of Christ through the lens of tradition, the characters of the nativity, the Psalms of Ascent, and the O Antiphons. It’ll be an exploration of Advent through means of Scripture, poetry, music and art. Come, learn more, and celebrate this wonderful season in the church calendar! Participants receive a free Advent devotional book.

Don't you like how we're bribing them? Nice. I'm that compelling of a teacher.

TS Eliot on Advent

2011-11-10T06:57:00.000-08:00

*

Final stanza of "The Journey of the Magi"

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

*http://www.cityside.org.nz/node/642

Auden on Advent

2011-11-09T19:15:00.000-08:00

The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.
Was it to meet such grinning evidence
We left our richly odored ignorance?
Was the triumphant answer to be this?
The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.

We who die must demand a miracle.
How could the Eternal do a temporal act,
The Infinite become a finite fact?
Nothing can save us that is possible:
We who die must demand a miracle.

The Summons
Star of the Nativity
....
Beware. All those who follow me are led
Onto that Glassy Mountain where are no
Footholds for logic, to that Bridge of Dread
Where knowledge but increases vertigo:
Those who pursue me take a twisting lane
To find themselves immediately alone
With savage water or unfeeling stone;
In labyrinths where they must entertain
Confusion, cripples, tigers, thunder, pain.

V

Chorale

Our Father, whose creative Will
Asked Being for us all,
Confirm it that Thy Primal Love
May weave in us the freedom of
The actually deficient on
The justly actual.

Though written by Thy children with
A smudged and crooked line,
Thy Word is ever legible,
Thy Meaning unequivocal,
And for Thy Goodness even sin
Is valid as a sign.

Inflict Thy promises with each
Occasion of distress,
That from our incoherence we
May learn to put our trust in Thee,
And brutal fact persuade us to
Adventure, Art, and Peace.

bummer

2011-11-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

The interview. Yeah... about that. I need to psyche myself up for things, especially if I'm not that excited about them. I got dressed up, which I thought would do the trick. But, I needed more than my thrift store finds to get me through this interview. Plus, there was a huge gap in the amount of work and responsibility and the pay. I'm basically supposed to start a business from scratch working 20 hours a week making $14 an hour with no benefits. What's in it for me? There was no teaching. I did not have a good attitude. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't Pollyanna. I didn't ooze enthusiasm.

The important part of my day was interior. I think Holy Spirit day hit me this afternoon. I really had some insights into my heart and life that were sobering yet encouraging. It happened while I read the last chapters of Cliff Williams' Singleness of Heart.

Another quote

2011-11-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

I was at church for over seven hours today! Yikes. And, I should say at the YMCA because there is no church. I enjoyed it. I read the Scripture (Daniel 4:27-37 and I Thess 4:13-18). The sermon was topical on God's Sovereignty. But, back to me, I got compliments on my reading, but I had really good material. King Nebachednezzar going crazy gives the reader something with which to work. And, I met a cool guy during set up. We went to the same university but he graduated last year; we had some of the same professors. That was nice.

Quotation: "Everything has beauty" Confucius. I profoundly disagree with this statement. It in fact makes me upset because it sounds good, but it has terrible implications. There's beauty in genocide, infanticide, AIDS, slavery? Think a little, people. God can redeem things-- that makes God beautiful not the horrid circumstances.

***Update: I wrote my question as a comment on the pinterest pin and received a livid response. (I did write more tactfully than above.) My friend said my question was absurd. But, in my defense, I think genocide, etc. fall under the umbrella of "everything". I probably shouldn't have said anything because she took it as a personal attack. The beauty in this situation is: I think I'm going to use this as the starting question for my advent class-- we are in some desperate need of some true beauty in this broken world.

excitement with Alpha or Alpha!

2011-11-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Kendra Baird's painting
We had Holy Spirit day today. It was a slow start. I fell asleep during the TWO video lectures in the morning, an inauspicious beginning for sure. But, I went on a gorgeous walk with the lady from Montreal in my group and talked about the numerous parallels our very different lives have. We had way too much food, which depressed me because I knew how much it cost. However, a guy took the leftovers sans vegetable tray to the Men's Shelter. So, that was a good ending.

The awesome part of the day came after lunch: the hour and a half of prayer time. There was 45 minutes of soaking prayer and 45 minutes of intercessory prayer. I was on the receiving end of the soaking prayer, which was much needed. Then, Joy and I went around and prayed for all the women in the room. We asked them what they wanted to pray and then we took turns praying over them. (Someone referred to us as the minimalist team because we were few in words. I don't think it was a complaint rather a comparison.) It was an amazing blessing to pray with these women. I was overwhelmed by how much God loves each of us and struck by his design of our souls and lives. I guess we were a group of normal (boring?) people, but praying makes you aware of a much bigger and deeper story of which we're all a part. Our lives are not our own-- they belong to God and to each other. Talking about gifts of the Spirit brought home how God blesses individuals in order to bless the church. Being surrounded by these fellow course members was encouraging despite the lack of fireworks and feats of wonder. It was a lovely day; I'm glad I came. It provided some context. To quote Rowan Williams, we're all being "unmade in order to be remade" and the "goal of a Christian life is not enlightenment but wholeness."

much needed quotation

2011-11-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

When we begin to believe God can provide the unexpected, we won't live our lives with doubts and constraints. -Cliff Young

I'm suffocating from doubt and self-imposed constraints right now. Today, I really busted after yesterday's loveliness with this thought, "I'm excited about an interview to become a secretary-- where did I go wrong?" I've just been feeling angst about all the things I don't have today. But, this is where faith is faith. God is good and sovereign-- reading in I Kings this morning was a good reminder.

crest!

2011-11-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

"Autumn Rain" by Cynthia Herron on the Freed Gallery

So, today was a fantastic day for me! 1) A business called me this morning to set up an interview (Monday at 7:15). 2) Then, a manager from a tutoring business interviewed me by phone, and I got the job. 3) And, then after that news, I got an email from a school I applied to over a month ago to fill out a survey for the headmistress. THIS is the job I really want. It's a secretary, but it's good hours at a good school and would be good for also tutoring and teaching adjunct. 4) As if that wasn't enough, I went to the thrift shop and found a gorgeous coral sweater set for $6 and an old charcoal gray wool skirt (old= really good material, excellent construction and classic style) $7. 5) Had a fantastic time celebrating my brother's 24th birthday with him and my mom. It's a low key kind of a birthday, and he was okay with that. Both their pastors came by, and all three of us were drinking. (This is kind of bad in the South, the younger pastor actually said something (haha).)

But, my excellent day was the ying to my sister's yang day. The bottom fell out for her. But, she was a good sport and said that the ying went to me instead of some total stranger. We like to keep the highs and lows in the family.

My sister's heart break and my hopefulness are a microcosm of the world and reminded me of this Advent quotations:

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5

"I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny." Kathleen Norris

I would say it confronts with the gloriousness and wretchedness of our humanness and ultimately our helplessness. And, it reframes it in the context of God's forever loving kindness. His withness. His compassion for us. We who can't help ourselves our made complete by the Creator of the universe.

I'm listening to a steady downpour of rain. It's lovely and relaxing. It's also a metaphor of God's blessing in the OT and in Charlotte, NC.

on marriage

2011-11-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

from Amazon

Tim and Kathy Keller have just released a book on marriage titled The Meaning of Marriage, based on a popular sermon series he did. I love reading about marriage, but I haven't read it yet. My favorite book on marriage is by a Regent grad called The Mystery of Marriage. So, maybe this will rank up there. We will see.

However, I did watch the The Meaning of Marriage live discussion tonight. It was thought provoking.

What I like about these books (presuming the discussion is related to the book) is that they're primarily about your relationship with God and present marriage as a catalyst in becoming holy. God will sanctify his people anyway he pleases. I'm not sure evangelicals have really bought into this. Bethany was a moderator, and she talked about how to apply the ideas to her life as a single. She said it was easy: loving the stranger and confronting your selfishness (plenty of opportunity for that as a single), embracing femininity (or masculinity as the case may be) doesn't require marriage, loving and forgiving someone who's hurt you-- single people have friends and family for that too.

So, oddly, reading about marriage makes me more content about being single. It fights all my urges to settle for a nice guy-- there's a lot on the line. And, last month a friend's husband contacted me to buy me a flight to her birthday party in Austin, TX so I can come for the weekend. If I were to get married, I want a husband who not only remembers my birthday but knows my random friends and contacts them on my behalf (he hasn't even met me in person). Tim Keller kept on talking about your spouse as your best friend and counsellor. That you fall in love with the person God is making him into and vice versa. Books like these raise the bar.

Advent: 2nd Coming

2011-11-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

Come, Lord Jesus!

Come, Lord Jesus! Do I dare
Cry: Lord Jesus, quickly come!
Flash the lightning in the air,
Crash the thunder on my home!
Should I speak this awful prayer?
Come, Lord Jesus, help me dare.

Come, Lord Jesus! You I call
To come (come soon!) are not the child
Who lay once in the manger stall
Are not the infant meek and mild.
You come in judgment on our all:
Help me to know you, whom I call.

Come, Lord Jesus! Come this night
With your purging and your power,
For the earth is dark with blight
And in sin we run and cower
Before the splendid, raging sight
Of the breaking of the night.

Come, my Lord! Our darkness end!
Break the bonds of time and space.
All the powers of evil rend
By the radiance of your face.
The laughing stars with joy attend:
Come Lord Jesus! By my end!

L'engle

I can't get this to fit on a power point slide. Should I break it up or just pick a couple of stanzas? If a break up, which stanzas would you choose?

My faux dog or "my" dog

2011-10-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Sasha
I live with a dog named Sasha. He's 100% mutt and excellent company. He's very pretty and not too smart. As we all know, this is a good thing. Canine intelligence is a terrible thing: the dog and his humans end up extremely frustrated. They don't have words only paws and teeth and incoherent barking. I emphasize the positive: "beautiful coat", "you're so quiet", "you're excellent company", etc. However, he prefers to hear his name to be sung, "Sasha sasha sasha sasha sasha." He finds the repetition pleasing. His tail wags in beat as I chant.

We enjoy walking but have separate expectations, which can lead to not good outcomes. Plus, he's obscenely furry and it gets everywhere. He's been extremely patient training me. I'm learning his language, which involves very little barking. He communicates mostly with his front paws and snout.
Sasha Asleep

valley day

2011-10-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

Very rough. Looking for an exit strategy for this juncture of my life.

Highlights: going to the two art museums: The Bechtler and The Mint. It was my first time at the Bechtler because we were having a standoff about the price of admission. I won. Today was free thanks to Wells Fargo. I saw some amazing art, and I really like the architecture of the buildings. I had my fill of squawking children though.

Great walk with the dog. I love getting compliments about what a wonderful dog he is from strangers when he isn't my dog. I'm quite smitten with him, and my brother makes fun of me. He asks, "How's Sasha?" At least once per conversation.

Good prayer. Beautiful but cold day.

Resolutions:
Move out by May 1st.
Do NaNoWriMo 2011.
Get Microsoft Office for my computer and set up a printer for it. This is driving me nuts.
Read Lilies of the Field this week.

I should be in bed, but my mind and heart are so tightly coiled that my muscles are tense. Love it.

linked in

2011-10-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

I looked up a ton of people I know on Linked In today. It'll bring my numbers to over 100. It felt like I was doing something somewhat useful, but maybe I was just playing around on the internet, which I feel like I do on a regular basis. I'm lacking focus these days. I need to schedule my days more thoroughly so that I end up accomplishing what I intend to not something random.

It's not as if I watch TV during the day, but I end up getting side tracked, which is frustrating. I need more architecture to my day. I get up by 8am, but maybe I should make that seven because I am a morning person. And, I get interrupted a lot. That's my other excuse. I'm technically a victim here.

I talked to a lady at the Employment Commission, and her advice was "be patient" because it will take them 6-8 weeks to process my appeal. Nice. And, I followed up with two other leads. First one, I heard nothing after a phone call and email. Second one, I found out 34 people are applying to the job I was sure was a shoe-in. Feeling a little overwhelmed and perplexed. Sending out CVs and applications feels like I'm hurling a pebble off a cliff-- absolutely no feedback to where or when it hits.

Waiting is so hard. I guess that's why I'm being so drawn to Advent right now. So much of the Christian life is spent in waiting... and ordinary time. One must learn how to be comfortable with silence and the unknown-- I'm a puny human. It's completely mystery to think that Jesus willingly became so limited and vulnerable. I guess, he of all people/gods knew what capable hands he would be in.

It's a time for reassessment and growth if I don't completely lose my moorings. As scared as I am, I think I still feel better than feeling trapped in a job I hate. We'll take the temperature on that a couple of months from now. The biggest thing I'm losing out on is going to my friend's wedding in India, which is sad. But, I may not have been able to go if I had job either.

Augustine's Prayer (my favorite)

2011-10-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

delapidated cottage from geograph

My soul is like a house,
small for you to enter,
but I pray you to enlarge it.
It is in ruins,
but I ask you to remake it.
It contains much you will not be pleased to see:
this I know and do not hide. Confessions 1.5

craig's list is sketchy

2011-10-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

weirdness and waiting

2011-10-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

(spoiler alert: 2+2 remains 2+2; there is no resolution. But, if you're a regular, you're used to it.)

funeral
+job application
+cousin having baby (it's a girl)
+gut-wrenching conversation with a friend with a broken heart
+studying Advent (2 very different wreaths: 1) hope, faith, joy, & love 2) patriarchs, prophets, John the Baptist, Mary)
+Mexican for lunch
+car inspection and tag renewal
=Today

Life is all about weird juxtaposition. The profound and profane all crowded and jostled in the same subway car. Death, birth, bureaucracy, grace, red tape, enlightenment, boredom, laughter, disappointment.

Thought of the day: I've been role-playing through the Advent Cast: Mary, Joseph, John the Baptist, Wise Men, shepherds, etc., trying to unlock the spiritual/practical application of the historical story. (I can't help myself. I spent several semesters studying Lectio Divina.) Mary is self-explanatory-- Jesus lives and grows inside us in a nutshell. I was wrestling with Joseph-- he clearly demonstrates obedience and servanthood. But, upon my conversation with my friend, I think I may see Joseph as the role of the broken-hearted and shattered/unfulfilled-dreamers. Imagine what he must to have gone through if he loved Mary; he arrives at treating Mary with some dignity on his own. However, God doesn't let him off the hook. He's called to go into this continent of self-denial and faith that's far beyond normal expectation. It's like a precursor of the Sermon on the Mount mixed with Job post apocalypse where he gets double the children.

To sum up the rest of this incoherent post I'll quote my mom's response to my blathering on about Advent: "Studying is fun, isn't it?" You may read on if you wish.

There are the three comings Advent celebrates/acknowledges:

1. his arrival into history/incarnation
2. his return/second coming
3. intermediate entrance into our lives

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. -Romans 8:22-5 (Message)

I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny. Kathleen Norris

the beach

2011-10-24T20:06:00.001-07:00

I just got back from a long weekend at the beach with my immediate family. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm sunburned and have a huge cut on my forehead, but it's all for a good cause. The weather was gorgeous. People were in a good mood. Water is cathartic. I read about half of Empire Falls. I walked along the beach and the dunes. I love dunes.

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's funeral. There was a member of the church that thought she was my grandmother (I guess because she always sat with us during the Sunday service). I'm not sad because she's so much better off. But, I will miss her, her keen wit and her confidence in me very much. She's the kind of woman you'd name a daughter after.

Ultimate Hike

2011-10-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

While I'm relaxing at the beach this weekend with my family, my former roommate is doing a 25 mile Ultimate Hike to raise money for children's cancer... or children with cancer. I think she's raising 2500 dollars, which she has another month to raise. I think she still needs another $1000. I think that's stressing her out more than the actual hike; she's counting on adrenaline for that. It'll be in the mountains. I think she'll have an amazing time. We shall see.

Let me know if you're interested in sponsoring her, and I'll give you her name. I wish I had more money to give, but time is what I have right now.

Cancer affects everyone. My present roommate had breast cancer. A woman I work with on Alpha has a mom that just found out that it came back in her bones. The mom of one of my best friends is fighting a very aggressive form; here's her Cancer Wars blog. A woman my sister just through a baby shower for a cancer survivor. Four other people spring to mind. And, I'm sure anyone can list people with cancer; I went to a funeral less than a month ago for a cancer victim. It's concrete evil. And, to think little babies die of it, and that it's just as present in countries that don't have our medical technology to deal with it effectively. Kyrie eleison. Go Kristen!!

head above water

2011-10-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

Rough week. If I can make it to Friday, I'll make it to the Outer Banks. And if I make it to the Outer Banks, all will be well. I love the beach this time of the year! Right now, I'm in survival mode but meeting a friend for wine this afternoon helped me smile and put things in perspective. Friends are good.

baby mop

2011-10-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Baby Mop link
So, I didn't end up making edible bread today. However, I did make some metaphorical bread when my aunt said, "I really like your purse." I immediately asked, "Enough to buy it?" And, a deal was struck. She said she had the cash on her, and I said she could have the bag then and there. I learned my lesson-- one must seize a transaction when one notice's it. Strike while the iron is hot. This looking for a job stint is really transforming my relationship to stuff. I'm getting far less emotionally attached. It's stuff. It helps that my Bible study last night was on Ecclesiastes 6, which is about stuff.

Happy stuff: Doesn't that baby mop do your heart glad on so many levels? I found this on pinterest, which is yet another online black hole to suck your life force. So, of course, I like it. My sister contends that pinterest is the dumbed down (i.e. "feminized" version) of digg. She may be right. However, the baby mop reminds me of dogs carrying packs on hikes. I swear the dog and the baby are psyched about pitching in for the greater good!
dog carrier link

bread

2011-10-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

I really want to make some bread. In the concrete sense (and the metaphorical one too). I think I'm going to try tomorrow. I really like cooking, especially now that I have a decent kitchen to work in. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm at an impasse at finding a job; I called and sent out over twenty resumes this week and am feeling emotionally drained (as lame as that is). So, I think I'll take a long weekend and come back Monday revived and energized about looking for my dream job. My bible study on Ecclesiastes is timely. There's a time to study Ecclesiastes and a time to study James.

My friend's mom is having a really good day! And, people donated enough money and miles so that her sister can fly home four times to see her family over the next two months; she disengaged the donate button. How cool is that?!? God is good. (This does fit in-- give us our daily bread.)

reading material

2011-10-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, how the West has gone awry. Here are some articles on how we tweak the basics and come up short. None of this is new... not even the articles.Haiti Doesn't Need Your Old Tshirt
Steve Jobs: Secular Prophet

ignorance

2011-10-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have no idea went on the world today: how South Sudan is doing, how Wall Street is crumbling, who's running in the different primaries. It's nice and scary. Needing a job does give me more overall focus, but I'm taking it a little far. And, I cancelled my subscriptions that kept me smart: Atlantic, Economist, Nat Geo, Runner's World because it was an easy way to save money. Now, I'm reading books. I read some smarmy 19th century short stories (Colette and Somerset Maugham), a cookbook and commentaries on the Psalms and Ecclesiastes. My roommate has decided to resubscribe to the newspaper; this is good.

machine gun approach= always fun

2011-10-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

I think my roommate is concerned about my being able to pay rent. We just sat around for 45 minutes discussing different types of teaching jobs I'm willing and able to do. Substituting is not an option: that's my absolute worst nightmare. My roommate's big into me capitalizing on my ESL experience with Koreans and Japanese. So, tutoring for reading or ESL for third graders through college students-- we wrote down names of schools from ritzy to non-ritzy for possible students. Private and public schools, community colleges, etc. Plus, there's the gargantuan home-school contingent that I might be able to break into and get paid to teach somehow (I have some names of home-schooling moms to call and start investigating opportunities). I hadn't even considered that where I live, but it's worth looking into. I also need to look into high-end nannying not the ones where you clean the toilets while the kids watch cartoons and drink kool aid (I have a number for a woman with a master's who nannies and get paid on her education-- I'm going to call her).

I made my (unsuccessful) collection calls today-- just to remind the people that owe me money that I remember that they owe me money and that I, in fact, need the money. I received an email that one adjunct position isn't available. But, I got a phone call from a better school about some history classes for the summer and fall. That sounds so far away, especially the fall. And, I'm not sure I want to commit to staying in Charlotte so I can teach a single class. But, I'm jumping the gun. Who knows if they're even interested in me?

And, I added about twenty more books to my amazon account. And, I read articles on Squidoo for about an hour and am starting to get an idea about what to do for that. And, I looked at some Christian think tank in Cali, which would be beyond a dream job-- I'll look into the organization. I'm praying and acting so something is going to have to eventually sprout. "When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't, they don't." - William Temple

If you have any good ideas, please message me! I'm open to

all does not glitter

2011-10-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

We sang this in high school, then I read it in Lord of the Rings in college. My brother and I made numerous hobbit references on our hike Wednesday such as "I don't think we're going to have elevensies," which led me to think about this poem that is a poignant reminder of hope and the deeper reality. I get mesmerized by glitter of what I feel I should be and am not, and I have definitely mastered the art of wandering. But, all is not lost... ever. Whether in my job search or with Mandy's mom or in friendship or in unfulfilling work.

I had some reminders this week: yesterday and tonight as I unpacked my books from Vancouver, I had a heavy reminder of my passion in boxes. I have all these books on Christian spirituality, writing and poetry. I lose my moorings every now and then, including this week. But, these books reminded me that I do know some stuff. I've read hundreds of books on some subjects-- not that that makes me an expert, but it is something to offer.

Last Alpha, a student I taught my first year of teaching appeared outside the conference room serendipitously when I was playing around the book table. He recognized me. It was so cool. He stayed, ate, listened to the lecture and stayed for the discussion. It was really cool. That year was so miserable, but he was definitely a highlight. He won my Social Studies award. So, it felt like a consolation from God to tell me all was not lost those three years teaching in Nowhere, NC.

On Thursday, a church lady said, "Why is it that I always laugh when I'm near you?" I told her that I hoped it wasn't my sense of style. But, that comment was so encouraging. I do have that affect on some people (and vice versa), maybe there's a future for me in edutainment after all. It was also a good reminder to focus my attention on people that enjoy me instead of trying to vie for attention from uninterested people.

Then after I lamented about having no friends in town, I ran into a girl from my Sermon on the Mount Bible study at a party. I told her about all the stuff that was weighing me down, and she gladly listened. We're even getting together for wine later in the week.

It was a rough week largely due to no leads and the waiting. But, I started a whole new business venture. I need to learn how to remember whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, instead of the people who didn't answer my emails or calls. I should think about the kind words, the gorgeous weather, the exciting new adventures, the time spent with friends and family. But, I've been wallowing in the rejection I've experienced. There was plenty of gold in my week despite the dross.

This post is quite similar to this one I wrote almost three years ago: tangential meditation. I remembered it because somebody got to the page via googling "transgenital meditation". That made me laugh. And, my post made me realize that I'm in the same struggle I always am.

5 books and nothing

2011-10-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

So as I continue to hunt jobs to no avail, I need income. People aren't interested in my teaching services, so I had to think about what I have that somebody else might find valuable. Books. More precisely, some of my books. I went through my books and chose ones that I could part with and checked if they have any value on Amazon. A lot of them had no value, but some of them were worth over $50.

On Wednesday, I sold five books! I got really excited because one was a text book at $45, which made all the 4-5 buck books feel more worthwhile. I think I could definitely get into selling books, but I'm not sure it's the equivalent to a job. It's more in line with a hobby. I love to buy (and read) books. So, I've made arrangements to get my books out of storage and see if how many of them I would want to and could sell.

Today and yesterday have been rough. I'm realizing I don't have a really close friend and Charlotte with whom I could share. The last time I talked with someone about being unemployed, she asked me for a loan within two weeks of the conversation. It felt wrong on so many levels.

People are great at giving out vague encouragement and giving me ideas for jobs. I'm not substituting because that is hell on earth-- maybe for $1000/day. But, that's not the going rate. And, people talk about adjunct positions. I really need to know somebody at the schools. It's disheartening to apply to a job for several hours and not even get a response.

There's a part of me that really wants to start a business, which the posting-books-on-Amazon thing has really tapped into. My sister the marketer told me that I'm right on trend with selling my stuff; she even sent me an article. I've been thinking of different ideas. I like books, clothes, teaching and Christian spirituality. I'd really like to get some kind of online co-op/rental local thing going. I'm thinking with fancy clothes, juicers, tents, etc. People could list them and other people could rent them. Somewhere between Craig's List and Zilok and retalicand even Etsy and blog on 30 plus online clothing rental. Or, a clearing house for teachers who want to tutor and parents who need tutors. I would charge a small fee to the teachers, but it would allow them to make a lot more money (probably twice) than working for a tutoring company. So, I need to research all the different businesses and see the feasibility for me and this area. I need to look at structures and business models and figure out possible problems, the proper audience, marketing, fundraising, etc. My sister is good to remind me to use the down/hard times for tough reflection and motivation.

And, I've made two more resolutions on becoming self sufficient and simplifying. One, I want to buy no more than 3 new pieces of clothing for a year. I started in September; I'm already a month into this resolution. I can shop at second-hand stores or swap clothes. So, I'm excited about this proposition. Two, I'm going to stop dating for a while-- at least a month but maybe until the New Year. We shall see. I need to focus on my professional status and identity. I need just straight up friends to offer laughter, fun and a reality outside this little bubble of trouble in order to keep me grounded.

kyrie elieson

2011-10-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

The saddest news just bowled me over. The most dear mom of one of my very dear friends received news see has terminal cancer. She's beautiful in so many ways, and so many lives just got jolted into unknown, dark, scary, lonely territory. My friend laments that her daughter is only a year old and will not get the chance to know or be known by her. Rightfully so. What will her dad do? How much pain will she endure? We are so frail and vulnerable.

It, of course, made me think about what I'd do if my mom died. I have no idea--my siblings and I would be so lost. I ache for my friend and her family.

Last week, my sister had a long conversation with a lady about her life. The lady wrapped up by saying, "You're really lucky that your mother loves you." My sister was taken aback: of course, our mother loves her. Then she thought about it, and realized that a mother's love isn't a given. We are well loved, and so is my friend.

Family is a mix of the prosaic and the profound. For instance, I went to the Cleveland County Fair with my brother and rode all the rides that didn't go upside-down. We fed carrots to llamas and ostriches, looked at the winning Lego fort (with soldiers and monkeys defending it), and got lost on the way up. I was very conscious of the memory we were making at several junctions like when I asked a lady in her 60's decked out in camo for directions or when we were questioning the beach scene backdrop for the ride called "Tornado"-- do they mean hurricane? Even when we came back to the house, my brother offered me some "Christmas candy". Only we would know what he was talking about. Most of the profound stuff is beyond words and falls under the "things good are small and fragile." A mom's love is experienced not explained. Your family is deeply woven into your soul and reality's fabric. Something happening to them rips and alters your very being. After all, we're made in the image of the triune God.

So sad. So helpless. Please pray.

why Flannery O'Connor?

2011-10-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

She was an awkward smart aleck from the South that wrote stark, true stories. She loved birds. She went to Mass everyday during Iowa's Writer's Conference. She knew she was brilliant, and honored her genius through hard work and a monastic lifestyle. It wasn't hubris, it was focus. She lived a determined life. She thought deeply about faith, life and God. There's nothing frou-frou about her. Apparently, she had a very nasal Southern drawl and the drollest sense of humor around. She died of Lupus at a young age and didn't seem to bury herself with self pity. She wasn't pretty in a culture that judged women by that sole criterium; she didn't care. She had some very deep, lifelong friendships.‎ She loved people, but her love lacked sentimentality. She believed in the power and value of art. She strove for perfection. She believed in sin. She makes Christianity appealing for those of us who aren't nice.

She makes me want to write a short story. She makes me do a double take on my everyday experience.

Quotations:

"The truth will make you odd."

"You tell a story because a statement would be inadequate. When anybody asks what a story is about, the only proper thing is to tell them to read the story. The meaning of fiction is not abstract meaning but experienced reading, and the purpose of making statements about the meaning of a story is only to help you experience that meaning more fully."

adhd episode leads to entrepreneurial venture

2011-10-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today was designated for collecting, sifting, organizing, all my stuff from my old apartment into my new room. My apartment was small, but the room is smaller. It's a study of conspicuous consumption to have duplicates and a plethora of random crap. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff. I have to take advantage of a moment of crisis such as this.

I need to get rid of clothes, books and things miscellaneous. While weeding through my books picking out the ones I haven't read in ten years, it occurred to me that I could try to sell them on Amazon. So, I set up a seller's account and posted some books. A lot of my books wouldn't be worth selling because Amazon charges $1 plus 15% per book. But, several of my books are worth over one-hundred dollars and couple over fifty! I told my brother about it, and he said I should go through the books at Mom's. I told my sister, and she said she couldn't sell her books.

Well... I haven't sold any yet, but I'm excited about the prospect. One part of me is in total agreement with my sister and feels like a jerk for selling my books. Another part of me knows I like to buy new books. Another part of me justifies it by thinking about my high school crush Thomas Jefferson. He sold his library. Desperate times lead to desperate internet selling schemes. It's not like a ponzy scheme; it's actually making the world a better place. A book case is a treasure chest in more ways than one!

I might try to sell some of my clothes on eBay. The worst case scenario is they don't sell... or I somehow lose money on the proposition. But, selling stuff is in my blood. Lots of my family own their own businesses.

October: the autumn of my content

2011-10-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

October arrived with crisp confidence today. Hello, Autumn! Seasons are the perfect blend of new and familiar that create a delightful pang of anticipation. I love when worlds collide.

For Mandy

Still Life

I’d like to arrange
a still life
and then
go live in it--
an artful pot,
dried flowers,
a stone frog,
and perfect calm.

Luci Shaw

So lovely. Luci posted this on her Facebook page-- so wonderful and kind and true. It's perfect like a grape. I stole that from Billy Collins. He describes haikus as having a grape in your mouth.

I fell in love with these dogs this afternoon! However, I'm not sure my roommate would approve of me coming home with a 160 pound dog no matter how docile and needy he is.
Great Pyrenees Rescue Dogs

Tonight I'm feeling the necessary humility that comes from being me-- hence, these offerings of other people's genius and generosity. So much beauty to behold. I don't need to be witty; I just need to be able to say "Thank you!"

The Sacred Space monks bring together my rambling thoughts about humility and generous gift into significant cohesion:

"It has been said that the truest prayer is when I am utterly open to God, unprotected, defenseless, trusting. The best and simplest prayer is summed up when I say, ‘Here I am, O Lord, and just as I am’. It is the prayer where I open my heart, my whole being, in childlike trust, in simplicity. I simply entrust myself to Christ, who is always there for me. And I can do that, because I know I will be received in love. But such a prayer is in fact a response to what is being done towards me. First and foremost, there is the whole mystery of God’s openness to me, God’s vulnerability before me, in the self-giving of Jesus. This is the amazing thing.

"The greatest reality in my prayer is God’s openness towards me, God’s childlike giving of himself into my hands in Jesus. The truth is here, and expressed in Paul’s hymn in the Letter to the Philippians about God’s self-giving in Christ, when he tells us that Jesus ‘emptied himself’, and also ‘humbled himself’ for us (Philippians 2:7, 8). Much could be said on this but the central thing is that God’s innermost heart is opened to me in love, through the person of Jesus. In my moment of stillness, therefore, Jesus is looking on me in love - and, further, becomes poor and vulnerable for me. Such is the way of true love, after all. And so my prayer becomes none other than a loving response in simplicity and childlike trust. Someone is saying to me, ‘Here I am for you’, and so I can say in turn, ‘And here I am, O Lord, and as I am, for you’."

tuition

2011-09-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

Money paid to a school is the cheapest tuition you'll ever pay. That's how I feel about this interview I had today: I learned a lot but it cost me the job most likely. It's a proprietary school (for profit), which means, ye gods, a very different breed of cat. The head of department had problematic grammar; he hasn't mastered subject-verb agreement. Does it make me a snob that I noticed that? He was interesting, but he failed to make eye contact. Then, the other guy that sat in on my mock class winked at me when we shook hands in parting. Let's just say it isn't the last bastion of professionalism. (It's a sad state of affairs when I'm the most polished person in a room.) Ye gods, we're talking insanity. The think the entire episode can be summed up in my pearl bracelet (3 strings tied together with a pearl colored ribbon). I shouldn't have worn it; it looked utterly ridiculous in the situation. The same could be said about my degrees and my plentitude of random knowledge.

I wore the same outfit I would have worn to interview at a boarding school. I was expecting the dude to pick up on my reference to Katherine Meyer Graham and The Washington Post. Am I crazy? When in Rome, act/accessorize as a Roman. There were several points where I definitely took the wrong avenue of approach-- even with the lesson I chose to teach. I thought it was brilliant (because it WAS), but I should have created a simple lecture with power point. They were not duly impressed with the genius of my Socratic, discussion-based lesson. Whatevs. Or, maybe that's what the wink was for.

Of course, maybe the other people interviewing for the job with Master's in Divinity or Philosophy will be even more clueless than I. Maybe?

Ghandi's Seven Dangers to Human Virtue

2011-09-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

from "Few Pieces of Me" blog

The man in diapers spoke truth. I'm going to have to linger with this like a poem. It's very condensed logic and language. Oh, the beauty of a list. One day I'm going to make a collage of lists. I think it'd be fascinating, and a great way to "scrap book" your year.

I'm preparing a mock class on Ethics for an interview tomorrow. How I stated it makes it sounds as if I'm going to be making fun of ethics. But, I'm going to talk about the ethics of cell phones. If I get through the next couple of days, it's going to be a miracle. I have this interview, have to have my apartment completely cleaned out and the key turned in, I have to deal with two state agencies, I have to get my undergrad transcript, I have to clean the house and the dog before G gets back, and I have a friend flying in tomorrow afternoon and flying out on Saturday that I have to keep entertained. I told him I had an exciting time planned for him-- some cleaning, some paper work, some family time. I bet he's so wishing he hadn't bought a plane ticket. Too late, suckah! But, God is good and will provide the strength I need.

Usable Church History

2011-09-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Give me, O Lord
A steadfast heart
Which no unworthy thought can drag downwards;
An unconquered heart
Which no tribulation can wear out;
An upright heart
Which no unworthy purpose may tempt aside.
Bestow upon me also,
O Lord my God,
Understanding to know Thee,
Diligence to seek Thee,
Wisdom to find Thee, and
A faithfulness that may finally embrace Thee;
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
(Thomas Aquinas)

perhaps a return on investment

2011-09-27T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have an interview on Thursday for an adjunct teaching job with adults. It's by no means my dream job, but it's a definite step in the right direction. I have an interview and a mock class on Thursday. I definitely have some reservations, but that will be resolved partly by the interview. If I hear something back from the full-time job, then it'll probably be early next week because when they have cut-off dates.

imprint

2011-09-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

I had a busy weekend, but what was odd is that two very different people used verses from Philippians. The first person was giving an eulogy for a funeral at a funeral. He said his friend's life Philippians 2:3-5: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus (NIV)." He went on to say my friend's dad was truly a gentleman, a gentle man. Being at a funeral in general, but hearing these words made me stop and take stock. It was along the same lines of hearing the sermon on success. The guy argued that Christians shouldn't think in terms of success but rather faithfulness.

Then, the new youth minister of our church prayed a verse from Philippians (Message) to inaugurate her stint: "So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God." If she can teach one teenager that, bully for her.

These verses culminated in our Alpha discussion on sin. We were discussing how we react to the word "sin". This older lady who grew up in Montreal in the Catholic Church said she always grew up categorizing sin into mortal and venial sins, but now they don't separate the types. Now, they define sin as "no love". My first reaction was "How very French". Then, I started thinking about what Jesus said the two greatest commandments are to love God and love your neighbor as yourself, and I'm thinking that this is an accurate definition of sin. It holds up to my experience. And, the two Philippians verses are about living a holy life (without sin) and they are about love-- a sincere and intelligent love not sentimental gush. It's the way Jesus loves us. Can you imagine having those verses read at your funeral?

Now, I get to go live these ideas out in the messy, rainy real world with a friend that has disappointed me deeply. Ah, we shall see. The collect for yesterday started out, "God most powerful, who uses his power to bring about mercy and grace..."

Ecclesiastes?

2011-09-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

I am digging on the OT's wisdom literature right now, especially Ecclesiastes. Granted I'm in a Bible Study on it, but it is amazing stuff! I really think it would be a great starting point for a lot of skeptics. It's eerily modern, and it's got a lot of truth in it. But, Qoheleth says life is pointless outside of God. I think Christian apologists should take note at how seriously he takes the competing views. Q. doesn't get defensive; he just extends them completely through their logical trajectory. Pleasure, hard work, beauty. All meaningless outside of God. So, instead of starting with Jesus loves you; maybe we should start where people are. Because, seriously, who the f cares that Jesus loves you unless you understand what's on the line?

I think I'm onto something here. (I'm always the biggest fan of my ideas; nothing's changed. Nothing is new under the sun!) I think it'd be helpful to believers and unbelievers alike if the church tackled wisdom literature. I think it'd keep church goers a little saltier and give skeptics something they could track with. There are so many laments in the Psalms, but how many are there in modern church services? And, we've got plenty to lament on personal and collective levels.

So, I'm going to dig into Wisdom literature and rave about it to everyone that will listen! Right now, I'm reading through David's life, which goes along well with Ecclesiastes. Life is crazy, and it's easy to lose your bearings.

And, I think I'm going to teach a little seminar on praying the Psalms in December. I'm thinking about how to do it. If you have any pointers, let me know. What is most gripping about the Psalms for you? It's always so bizarre that Jesus prayed them; had them memorized. It's so weird that it's even in there and how rough and tumble the order is. I think I may use Brueggemann's Orientation, Disorientation and Reorientation to order the day. Gratitude, open eyes, open hands, obedient hearts.

new frame: application

2011-09-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

This week's hunt has felt radically different than the previous weeks. I feel less like a corporate misfit in the wrong century and more like a person with a definite skill set that has a lot to offer the right organization. I had that phone interview earlier this week that would have sent me into this introspective tailspin in previous weeks, but this week, I could say it was a terrible fit. I'm not who they're looking for and vice versa.

My skills and education are valuable, but I have to be willing to take the time to find the correct place. I also have to be willing to do the research and the work to translate/interpret my work experience into terms valuable to an employer. Both my siblings are in marketing, so I think I have potential to make it happen. The practical working out of this realization has been time.

I'm applying this new found self-knowledge to work in what I'm looking for. If the job seems a reasonable, I then read up on the qualifications and the job description, taking notes of word-choice and what they're really looking for. I then write a cover letter mirroring their language and rewrite my resume in the same manner. It's not that I'm changing any of the experience; I'm interpreting it so that they can perceive the relevance. For instance, teaching demonstrates a lot of skills: leadership, communication skills, organization, creativity, problem-solving, meeting goals, etc. I now decide which aspect to highlight according to what they need.

The past two jobs I've applied to have taken around four hours to apply with the new process. Hopefully, I'll get faster. But, I rationalize it by: a) I'm unemployed and have the time, b) my odds of hearing back from these people are vastly increased, c) I'm laying the groundwork for future applications. I'm going to have a lot of cover letters and resumes with the information I'll need to quickly translate. I'm creating a bank of skills and experience for hopefully fairly similar jobs.

I'm far less frustrated with this line of attack... at this point. Every application doesn't feel like a Hail Mary. I no longer feel like I'm begging for a favor. Rather, I am finding the right place to use my skills and be myself.

new frame: adjectives and rejection in reverse order

2011-09-20T14:27:00.001-07:00

I checked my email right after posting my answers. In my inbox, I had a rejection notice from a phone interview I had today. The interview went well, but by the end of it, I realized I wasn't a good fit. I am overqualified in experience, intelligence and education. It was for a nonprofit. I had to ask the poor guy to clarify every question because his were utterly vague. I think that's the problem with his nonprofit too-- you can't be all things to all people... unless you're God. Plus, he asked some illegal questions about personal life. I was talking to my mom afterwards and her take was, "run it by your sister and cousin." (My sister is a MBA and my cousin is a JD.) I really need to pray because I'm in a very bizarre space of wanting to transition in a terrible job market.

adjectives:
creative/imaginative: in a problem-solving, new frame/metaphor kind of way. Not a glitter and crayon kind of way.
intelligent: quick learner/processor, good problem solver
outgoing/amiable: enjoy working with others, fine talking with strangers
autonomous (need to work on this): I'm capable of coming up with ideas/strategies/etc.
flexible: deal well with change
humorous: find humor and make jokes (puns mostly)
verbal: write and talk well
energetic: sometimes because of running and sometimes because of coffee
interested/curious: in people, ideas, most anything really-- and will work to figure it out
dependable: in three years at my job, I ran five minutes late once. And, I was still there before my students. if I say I'll do it, I'll do it even if it means staying up all night.
reflective: especially when teaching, think about what I did, what went well and didn't go well, figure out why and how to improve.

new frame: who am I? stabbed

2011-09-20T13:47:00.000-07:00

So, after pondering answering the questions, I actually sat down Monday morning with coffee as my only distraction and answered them. I thought about the answers mostly in terms of work, but, of course, that is intertwined with lifestyle. And, sometimes I just get off track. But, nothing is lost. This is very raw and I'm very naked. It reminds me of a worksheet on similes I did in first or second grade that my mom still has. My family haven't stopped teasing me about my answers: "as quiet as a glass of milk, as cute as a kitten, as pretty as my mom, and as smart as me."

What do I love to do?
wake up early, run, walk, hike, plan a lesson, figure out how to explain something, create metaphors and comparisons, figure out what to teach, lead discussions, ask questions, listen (learning this but liking it), encourage people, research, make connections between seemingly disparate things, brainstorm, write, read, make lists, laugh and make people laugh

What have I always done?
read (or be read to), discuss (sermons, drivers, books, colors, everything), play, write, go on adventures, like old people, play outside rambunctiously, emotional, intuitive, quick, goal-oriented, competitive/judgmental/want to be the best, dislike being micro-managed, need a list to stay on task, like adventure and challenge (climbing trees), cooking

What do I do better than most people? (there's no way to avoid sounding like an ass on this one)
run, express myself verbally except about emotion: written and oral, think off the cuff, see connections, make metaphor, research, quickness (making decisions, walking, completing tasks, thinking), research, explanations, having convictions and opinions, laughing, puns/silliness, adventure, resilience

What did I want to do as a child?
be a teacher, be pretty, have a husband and children, be a lawyer, be a scientist, have lots of money, be a writer, travel to the jungle, fly

What gives me great satisfaction?
good discussion/conversation (deep and funny), pondering ideas, seeing something in a new light, being successful in a new adventure, completion, friendship, laughter, compliments, being quoted, seeing my encouragement be put to use, being a member of a team with a specific goal but different tasks, leading, getting people to think (differently), brainstorming

What do I talk to people about?
what I'm reading, what I'm doing, what they're doing or reading, politics, ideas, running/exercise, food, weather, books, Scripture, history, God, morality, art, meaning, humor, literature, complete randomness

That's enough for now. But, I highly recommend this exercise. Sometimes, we're too close to ourselves.

from Sacred Space's Something to think about while you pray

2011-09-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

"God is mystery - the nameless One I cannot grasp or comprehend. Sometimes that mystery seems never-ending, and no matter how I try to penetrate it, I am left simply in a kind of dark unknowing. This may be so, even though I find myself still drawn to long for God, to desire what is totally beyond me, and say ‘you’ in the face of the ever-greater mystery. That chasm, that abyss, between me and the One to whom I am drawn, is perhaps expressed best in the words the prophet heard, ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways not your ways – it is the Lord who speaks.Yes, the heavens are as high above earth as my ways are above your ways, my thoughts above your thoughts’ (Isaiah 55:8-9).
And yet, despite that great distancing, there is, most wonderfully, the greatest nearness – God close to me, approaching me in the person of Jesus, and entering into the house of my heart. For what is ungraspable and utter mystery is also coming close in Christ, speaking my name, whispering wordless words of truth and love into my being. I have said ‘you’ into the darkness, because already I have been approached and addressed myself as ‘you’. Within the deepest mystery, there is a meeting, an encounter, a conversation, a prayer. As Saint Augustine wrote, ‘God is nearer to me than I am to myself, more intimate to me than my inmost being’.

"Lord Jesus, the darkness I experience is not darkness at all, but the light of your coming close to me. Let me therefore, in my prayer, realise how you never leave me, but are with me, in faithful love."

Beautiful. Mystery. Via negativa a la Gregory of Nyssa. God is holy and so beyond our every perimeter, yet knows each of us better than we know ourselves and chooses to live within and transform us into his image. It's beyond frightening and beyond comforting. God's "withness" is overwhelming. He doesn't promise us happiness but His presence. I'm studying Psalms and Ecclesiastes right now, and God's sovereignty and his intimacy make me cry. He loves each one of us so much with such an efficacious loving kindness. Our minds would implode/explode as would our hearts if we could understand it. It doesn't eliminate pain and suffering; it supersedes it. God is always the bigger, eternal reality. And, he has won, is winning and will win. We still live in a broken, sick, fragmented, evil world, but Emmanuel has come. God gives us worship and prayer as little glimpses into the ultimate reality that we're a part of but do not see fully. I forget all of this so easily.

new frame: who am I?

2011-09-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

I went to meet with my university's alumni career counselor, Linda Conklin. It proved to be a truly encouraging, invigorating experience. I came out feeling hopeful with a concrete plan. Not a plan that I'm going to land my dream job next month, but a plan that I know where I'm heading and feel more in control. Going into it, I was prepared to hear how to "fix" my education (Classics and Church History) and my experience (teaching 7th grade, living abroad, being a secretary). But, she said none of that. She said I have to work from whom I am and go from there. These are the steps I'm working on now from her book Career Coach: Getting the Right Job Right Now.

1. Ask yourself these key questions. (It's important to be as specific as possible. For example: with what do I do better than most people: If you're my sister: I can take complex numerical data and turn it into a story in order to explain it. Or for me, I'm really good at aggregating disparate information and seeing pattern and connection-- crazy people and Malcolm Gladwell are good at this too.):

What do I love to do?

What have I always done?

What do I do better than most people?

What did I do when I was a child?

What gives me great satisfaction?

What one thing do I organize my life around?

What do I talk to people about?

Where do I spend my free time?

What books and magazines do I read?

When I am at my best, what am I doing?

What would I regret if I did not do it?

What do I need to be happy?

Aren't those hard?

2. Come up with ten adjectives to describe yourself.

3. Explore your "unexpected wisdom". What do you know that you learned from an unwanted/unintended experience? Everybody's an expert in some area that is applicable to other people's needs. Chances are if you have food allergies, you are an expert on recipes without gluten or nuts or peanuts. If you have a medical abnormality (whether it just makes you odd or it's a disability): for instance, I have really loose joints, which, ironically, makes it hard to stretch. I had a friend who was 4'10"; she had some really funny (and painful) stories. But, she had adapted to adult life and having strangers pick her up to see how much she weighed. Or can it be even more banal, such as my running. I've been running since 9th grade. Just from sheer experience, I know a lot about running from different surfaces, to injuries, to diet, to hydration techniques, to safety, etc. Same can be said about reading, esp. specific genres. Or, my mom is an expert on single parenting, which comes in really handy as a Principal talking with parents. The career counselor herself got into career counseling from having moved 12 times with her husband's job. Each move entailed a new job search. Voila. And, extremely applicable to other people. Plus, it helped she had corporate training experience. And, I'm coming from a Christian perspective, so I believe there's a pattern to our experience, education and desires that is forming us into specific people that are unique and valuable to God and others.

4. Come up with a 30 second commercial about yourself. I thought this was kind of hokey until Wednesday night when it would have been really helpful. I was at an alumni event where we had to go around and introduce ourselves with our year and what we did and where we worked. I panicked and ended up fibbing. I just said what I was doing last year. I said I was a 7th grade teacher at blah de blah. So, I felt badly about lying, and I got no potential networking accomplished. So, I've been working on this one. So far I have,"I'm a teacher transitioning from 7th grade into adult education and project consulting. I'm working with the Schiele Museum as a consultant on Hunger Games and several nonprofits with tutoring and small classes." It needs tweaking: it's honest without saying I'm unemployed. I am working but in volunteer capacities. I also need to come up with one more social about training for a marathon and probably one a little more spiritual for churchy events. But, I usually freeze when people say, "Tell me a little about yourself." Because where do you start? But, I need to be a little more savvy and tell them what they need to hear about me.

Irony Alert

2011-09-11T19:37:00.000-07:00

100% Whole Wheat Potato Bread

Is it me?

Oddly enough, it tastes good.

PRETTY TOES AND A NICE VOICE IS A MUST!!!

2011-09-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

Ridiculous is this day! I discovered something amazing today: one can earn a Master's in Career Counseling from 41 different institutions in the United States. Seriously? What do you read: want ads or Aristotle? Do you get a magic 8 ball when you graduate? I'm all for professional degrees, but can we call them something else please? It's the same way I feel about gay marriage. I think equal rights for partners, but let's call it something else.

It made me think of a stanza of one of my favorite poems (Wendell Berry of course!):

"To be sane in a mad time
is bad for the brain, worse
for the heart. The world
is a holy vision, had we clarity
to see it-- a clarity that men
depend on men to make."

Finding out about a Master's in Career Counseling made me feel so irrelevant with my background in liberal arts... and my love of poetry and running and all things esoteric. I felt so not useful. Then, I remembered this poem. I think this is a profound definition of church: community that allows holy vision and clarity. I reminder of who we really are in Christ.

really good spam

2011-09-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

I've become sensitive and more interested in spam ever since my email account got hacked and I sent out hundreds links to penis enlargement pills. Today I got an email with the subject line, My Preposition, in my spam box. So, I had to open it. It simply read, "Read important business message from Mr. Christopher Hayward Davis below." I was so tempted to open it and find out what preposition belonged to Mr. Christopher Hayward Davis. Was it "of" or "to" or "by" or "with"? But I resisted the temptation to hit the link.

cell phone gone mobile: a cautionary tale

2011-09-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I went on a ten mile run. It was after seven, so Grace asked me to take my cell phone with me in case it got too dark. ( Or, if I'd bitten off more than I could chew.) So, I tucked my blackberry into the back of my jog bra between my shoulder blades where I thought it'd be least noticeable. I was afraid that it might fall out of the bottom while crossing a busy road and I wouldn't hear or feel it. Turns out, that was the wrong fear.

About 2.5 miles into the run, I came across a toilet on the side walk that reminded me of Skeeter's stunt in The Help. Plus, it belonged more in my hometown than in front of this posh address: juxtaposition. I pulled out my phone to take a picture. My phone had little drops of sweat over it. So, when I put it back in it's slot, I put the back to my back and the phone to the material, thinking that would prevent any dampness problems.

My loop was proving to be eminently doable: it was neither hot nor hilly, and I was well rested having been slack earlier in the week. I got to around mile eight and realized it was dark. I got out my (now drenched) phone to alert Grace I was going to finish the run even though it was dark--that I was almost back. I hit the call button. Nothing happened. So, I hit the power button. Nothing. My brain sighed, "I should have seen this coming." Then, I was glad I wasn't whipping out the phone because I'd pulled a hammie. Then, I was nervous that it would. never. work. again. Eek. I don't have insurance on it.

I woke up in the middle of night, stretched my back and played with my phone. Again, nothing. Then, my alarm went off. Relief! Then, I went to hit "dismiss". I pressed the button multiple times. Nothing. Yet, the alarm kept alarming. There was no five minute snooze. I stuffed in socks in my sock drawer to let it wear itself out. Tonight it's semi-responsive. I have hope it will go back to normal.

Moral of the story: put your phone in a ziplock before you put it next to your sweaty flesh in a workout!

plus side

2011-08-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

Free time is a definite benefit to unemployment. It's an exercise to take advantage of it, to use it constructively. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed when I don't know the end point and spaz out, escaping any form of productivity. I remember a rowing workout where my coach explained that we would do anywhere from 3-12 all out 1k sprints. I said all out for three looks different than all out for twelve. Then she said, "No, it doesn't." You could argue both our points, but hers is stronger. I've got to give all my effort in each sprint regardless of how many are to come. I like to plan for the future even I don't have the least clue what it will bring. Take for instance, this time last year, I had no idea that I'd be unemployed, dog-sitting, in a long-distance relationship, training for a marathon.

One time when I was lamenting my lack-luster career and station in life my sister gently chastised me. My sister always warns me that I have no clue what the future holds; so, I need to be neither fearful nor complacent. She's right.

So, I'm trying to look for a job that I'll succeed in, grow in my faith in God, and enjoy the time instead of feeling guilty. So, I'm reading a lot and watching movies and cooking. Yesterday afternoon I watched The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. I would highly recommend it. It's the same guy who did Supersize Me. It provokes thought and awareness. Is advertising bad? Can we live without it? How influenced are we by it? Et cetera.

I've also been muscling through a bio of the Brontes and enjoying a bio of Eudora Welty aptly titled Eudora. I've read Welty's memoir and a lot of her work. I like Flannery O'Connor better but Eudora is great. Here are two quotes from the first page:
1) "As you have seen, I am a writer who came of a sheltered life. A sheltered life can be a daring life as well. For all serious daring starts from within." from her own One Writer's Beginnings
2) "'It wasn't that Eudora Welty was plain,' said a woman who had grown up in Jackson and now lives in Boston. 'She was ugly to the point of being grotesque. In the South, that was tantamount to being an old maid....'"

I'm finding it really entertaining and interesting, esp. since The Help takes place in Jackson, Mississippi too.

friend-ed

2011-08-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

I just "friended" Miroslav Volf on Facebook. You know you're a theology geek when you care. As completely pointless as that is, it still feels kind of cool.

In other news, I started reading the first biography of Eudora Welty. It's really good. Way better than the one on the Brontes I'm muscling through.

fractal geometry musings

2011-08-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

I watched this program on fractals last night. Benoit Mandelbrot "discovered" them in 1975 when he worked for IBM. He's a brilliant mathematician who irritated the European establishment; so he said, "Screw you guys. I'm going to America." As I understand it, he came up with an equation that explains repeating patterns in nature and some 19th century math conundrums. Thus, creating fractals. Mandelbrot came up with "fractals" from the Latin for "broken". Geometry and most of math is looking at smoothness; whereas, fractals investigates roughness. It's a way of looking at parts instead of the whole or in relation to the whole. It's a way of applying math to the visual world. Until Mandelbrot's breakthrough.

The two main components my brain latched onto were 1)self-similarity and 2) inter dimensionality because I have a natural fascination with these concepts. (Our mom should have let us play with Barbies so we would have a fighting chance at normalcy.)

Self-similarity is how the whole and the part reflect each other's pattern. For instance, think about an oak tree and a twig from that oak tree. Stand the twig up to mirror the tree. Its branching system is the same just to a different scale. This is true with clouds and blood vessels. And, the larger the system the more efficient it is. A elephant is 200,000 times the size of a mouse but only requires 10,000 times the amount of calories-- which means it's twenty times more efficient. There's a built in economy of scale.

Does self-similarity exist in history? Is there a natural lapping over of micro and macro history? Does my personal history reflect the larger history of the US or according to the Scriptures? Is Yahweh and Israel's relationship the pattern for my relationship with him? Is my identity crisis endemic of the US as a whole?

Then there is inter-dimensionality in respect to fractals. In Euclidean geometry, there are clearly defined dimensions. A line is one-dimensional. A quadrilateral is two-dimensional. A cube is three-dimensional. But, is it possible to for something to exist between two separate dimensions? Fractal geometry says YES! Something can be 2.376-dimensional. The higher the fraction the rougher the edges and closer to the higher dimension. It's a really interesting version of liminality. Liminal comes from the greek for "threshold"; its the space in between two known spaces.

This concept intrigues me because it seems to bridge a link between broken-ness and growth, which I think is true. We know it's true with building muscle and that is why rest is so integral to athletic training. This concept reminded me of my favorite Puritan quotation, "God breaks every heart differently" and the Buddhist concept of a storm breaking before beauty is born. Craziness and broken-ness can be interpreted as progress in some circumstances.

I like how Mandelbrot bent math to fit reality. He didn't adapt nature to a principle but played with the principle until it fit the reality of nature. This is the same reason I'm so much more comfortable with biblical theology than systematic theology. Biblical theology is 3.8976 dimensional to systematic's 3.2374 dimensional. It's rougher but more realistic.

marathon training

2011-08-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

When I learned I didn't get the job a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked. That night after crying, I decided, "F it. I'm training for a marathon." I figured: a) I have the time, b) it'll give me something to talk about and do besides being unemployed, c) the endorphins will be much needed, d) it'll help me sleep and e) it'll make my figure even more svelte ;).

So far, I've been doing well except for the long runs. I'm getting massively intimidated by them. 10 miles in this heat and humidity is daunting. But, I was talking about it with a girl at my church who's a legit runner. And, by legit runner, I mean she's qualified for the Boston more than once. She told me to press on during the heat and not be afraid to run slowly, and when it comes fall I'll be in much better shape than I would think. She also offered to run with me. That's motivation.

Plus, I found this cool website where I can map my runs and keep a running diary. That's fun! It's called www.walkjogrun.net. You can map out your own runs and look at other people's courses. It even gives you an elevation map. This will be fun.

This is week three of an 18 week schedule. The marathon I'm gunning for takes place December 10th. Wouldn't it be cool to run the Boston at least once?!? Then, I'll where to go from there: ultra, iron man, Boston, etc.

Reversed Thunder: The Revelation of John and the Praying Imagination

2011-08-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

I had a hard time reading this book, but I muscled through. I definitely underlined some passages and reveled in some of the chapters' epigraphs, but overall found it difficult. I think this has more to do with my internal landscape than the book, or maybe it was a combination. Peterson always reminds me that the Christian walk is an adventure beyond us (we need the Spirit) rather than a tedious moral TDL. This reminder I need. He reminds me that for all material acts there is a spiritual dimension and vice versa. The church is both a geographic and theological reality. Worship is far more profound than feel-good emotion; it's entering into eternity. Salvation is a meal and a war. Prayer definitely fits in both categories. He lambasts gnosticism and materialism.

Some quotations:
"To live in the past or future is easy. To live in the present is like threading a needle." Walker Percy

Church:
"The life of faith is developed under the image of the Trinity in the context of community." (44)

Worship:
Christians worship with a conviction that they are in the presence of God. Worship is an act of attention to the living God who rules, speaks and reveals, creates and redeems, orders and blesses. Outsiders, observing these acts of worship, see nothing like that.... Revelation 4 and 5 answers the question and gives the last word on worship in five parts: worship centers, gathers, reveals, sings and affirms." (59)

"During the act of worship something has been happening to the worshipers: minds are cleared; perceptions come into focus; spirits are renewed." (66)

Evil:
"But nothing evil has the staying power of good." (77)

Politics:
"Politics reaches into dimensions of behavior and belief.... Dissenters in a society are as dangerous as criminals to the political establishment." (123)

Review: The Elegance of the Hedgehog and Sarah's Key

2011-08-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

Key
Elegance

Spoiler Alert: I may ruin the plot twists if you read this; however, I may entice you to enjoy the stories if you read this.

I was sitting back in my chair with my copy of The Elegance of the Hedgehog<, reflecting on the story, when Sarah's Key slammed into my thoughts. There are so many connections and crossovers.

Both follow the lives of a girl and a woman separately until the story lines cross. However, Sarah's Key the the girl is in WWII and the woman in contemporary, and the Hedgehog's two protagonists are contemporary. The stories both center around apartment buildings in Paris. Both stories delve into the power of personal destiny and the power of the individual. All the characters change due to interaction with one another. The stories have to do with the role that self-knowledge and self-perception play in our lives and ability to interact with each other.

The girls in both stories struggle with their power to impact others. Sarah is a fighter; she both saves and harms someone. But, her plan could have worked if her parents would have helped. Paloma at first finds it pointless to fight and then changes her mind. Paloma discovers the key to life is to engage rather than to observe. Sarah cannot escape her engagement. It seems as if the authors use the young characters as a canvas to paint out how determined and shaped a person is by when, where and to whom she is born. I guess the same is true too of the older ones. It reminds me of J. Alfred Prufrock's question "Do I dare disturb the universe?"

The older protagonists are changed as well. Julia is a restless fighter too; she has to discover the truth regardless of the cost. The status quo holds no power over her, yet in the end the status quo wrecks her life. But, she is willing to bear the brunt. Whereas, Renee is bewitched with her understanding of the status quo and what it requires of her.

Both stories preach the power of kindness and selflessness (Ozu and the farming couple) and the necessity of being willing to receive other's generosity (of spirit and stuff). Both are very tight, complete stories, which, luckily, is something that my mom taught me to appreciate. They are not wholesome stories in the Focus on the Family or Disney sense with a safe story line with clear black and white boundaries. They're good stories in that they all strings of idea are tied together and accounted for. They're beautiful in their willingness to explore and redeem seeming ugliness. Is it possible for something good to be born out of something bad? These brilliant stories answer yes.

I remember going to see The Departed with my mom. We met a couple from the church I grew up who was leaving the theater in disgust-- they couldn't get over the violence and language. My mom and I listened to their distressed comments, and then went to the movie. My mom wryly observed afterwards, "I believe we saw very different movies." I'm glad I grew up in a Christian family that wasn't appalled by four-letter words or anger or violence. I wasn't raised to be fearful or ignorant, but to believe in a good and powerful God who enjoys beauty and story and is bigger than any evil.

I think integral to any well-constructed story is hope. There's always the capacity/chance for the character to grow and be changed-- in essence to experience grace. However, the character doesn't have to capitalize on the opportunity. In these stories, all the protagonists are open to grace even though they don't escape evil. There is the beauty.

A wiki overview of the book.

Reading Scripture

2011-08-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

Reading Scripture is always a good thing. It is especially good when I get to the read the Old and New Testament readings during the worship service! Can I tell you how much I love doing this? It's like asking a fish to swim laps. A pigeon to deliver a note. A ferret to ferret. A rainbow to curve.

The answer: It's beautiful, mysterious, natural, and perfect. Oddly enough, it's a chance to get to use my seminary education. Any reading is an act of interpretation. I study some commentaries to make sure I get the emphasis correctly. I practice because it improves my reading and intonation. I really think God can use his Scripture to speak into a person's life sans sermon. I don't want to hinder the power of the Word and the Spirit.

Plus, let's face it: I'm a nerd. It's a really good devotion, and I'm prepared to hear the sermon. It's really nice to read out loud. I forget this because I'm always in a hurry.

This reading business has been a really pleasant gift of high church. I've always bemoaned the fact I have no gifts that can be used in worship. One time I joked with a friend, "Maybe I can run laps for the offertory." But, this is a really odd junction of my unique self fitting into the body of Christ. It's quite nice really. Can you tell I'm reading Romans 12:1-8 and Psalm 138 tomorrow? But not in that order.

I've gotten a lot of compliments and thank yous for my reading and voice. Who knew? My favorite compliment went like this, "You understand the concept of the comma." So, it's ever so nice and ever so rare for the x (my enjoyment) and y (usefulness) axis to converge on me like this.

quotidian rhymes with branch davidian

2011-05-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

Some people think the rapture is happening this Saturday. That should put a little pep in your step if you're into that kind of thing. Of course, that makes me think about my first year of teaching when I planned a field trip to the Raptor Center. A lot of my pentecostal and other fundamental-ish students were interested how a Rapture Center would work. I then got to explain the pun. But, I can't see that misunderstanding happening in too many parts of the world.

The next four weeks of school are going to be pandemonium. There's an advantage to knowing that, I guess. I also know that the chaos will fly by.

My Sunday night Bible Study is on the Sermon on the Mount. We studied "love your enemies" tonight. The whole study has been challenging. Tonight my take away was that loving my enemies ultimately comes down to trust in God. I'm also developing a passion for Psalm 37. I'm always taken back how deeply imbedded the Psalms and Pentateuch are in Jesus' words. He knew Scripture. Of course, he is the Word. The Sermon on the Mount is a good reminder of the mystery and challenge of the Christian faith. I'm not sure how Jesus would feel/react to followers being concerned about figuring out the date of the rapture-- or about other ones judging them.

(I wrote this May 15th-- so the dates are a little off.)