character vs. fate

I've been particularly inspired with my teaching as of late. I'm figuring out new ways to present ideas. For instance, I've been using images to teach vocabulary... and it works. All I have to say is "big eggplant shakes his finger at little eggplant" and my kids will say "admonish". And, I made 100-point font versions of the words and cut them out and color coded them for my kinesthetic (sp?) learners-- and they loved it. I've added this to the already popular "vocabulary charades"-- the kids ask to play it. I'm keen to see their test scores after this approach. When I do this kind of lesson, it's how I'd imagined teaching would be.

Today I decided to do visuals for my conflict presentation/ power point. I enjoyed it: the kids brought up interesting examples. And, it wasn't until I was drinking Pepsi and reading Mocking Bird at Ikea did one of my questions for my students hit me: "What are the types of conflict are in your life?" And, I realized so much of my angst is character vs. fate and character vs. self (i.e. internal). I rail against my life-- it's so not what I had in mind. And sometimes the dissonance between what I want and I what I have is suffocating. And, I don't know how to get to where I want... and sometimes I can't even name what I am pining after.

For instance, I'm Southern: I was born in the South to to Southerners. It doesn't get much more southern than that (each side is at least 4 generations back). Yet, as a friend observed, "You're the least southern Southerner I've ever met. I know transplants that are more southern than you." Then, last night I lifted my funk about (what feels like) my perpetual singleness by looking at pictures from various trips. It was a good reminder of some of the amazingness I've experienced that a lot of people will never experience. It eased the pain of not getting to experience a relationship. Travelling in Japan, Galapogos, Greece, Macchu Pichu isn't the same as having kids, but neither will they mutate into teenagers.

I think I need to come up with a schedule so that I stay busy with stuff that heads me in the direction that I want to go. Like tonight I should have studied and read instead of shopping without buying anything. I guess it was good encouragement to run since the pants were not a desirable fit and I didn't waste any money. But, otherwise, it was a waste of time. But, I need to focus on the positive.

computer hospice

My five year-old computer is shuddering through her last breaths. So, sorry for the absence of posts. Plus, the janitor was locking up the school at 4:30 instead of 5:30-- so there went another opportunity.

But, the weather is gorgeous. It's in the best and most fleeting part of spring. It's that two-three week window of flowers and the lively, new green and perfect temperature. It's glorious to walk outside-- everything around you is magical. It's like being in a fairytale. Finding a little fairy perched on a toadstool wouldn't feel that uncanny right now. Or a little gnome digging in the dirt.

Yesterday, the 7th grade went to Old Salem in Winston-Salem, NC. It was a fantastic field trip-- my only regret was that we didn't stay longer. I was in charge of 9 students who behaved beautifully. I took all the brats because I wasn't going to dump them on the parent volunteers. So, I was dreading it a little. But, the kids were fascinated with all the tours and guns and ideas. I bought them hot cross buns and we chatted about Easter symbolism and moravian baking. I think it helped that I thouroughly enjoyed myself-- it's a good reminder. Kids are like horses; they smell emotion.

Then last night after attending to business (faxing and mailing applications), I went to my new favorite restaurant and had a portabello sandwich and went to a GK Chesterton lecture. The lecture was phenomenal. A professor dressed up as GK Chesterton and gave the lecture from his perspective. It was delightful and thought-provoking. Chesterton was such a witty guy that it was a brilliant idea. Then, this morning after pilates, my book club discussed his Orthodoxy-- how providential was that?

One more week of Lent to go! I'm ready for some meat and bread. I've lost about ten pounds and feeling really good. It's been a really good experience and reminder.

After much angst, I've decided to attend one of the thirty singles sunday school class. For some reason, this has been a really tough decision. Clearly, it represents a lot of unresolved issues in my psyche and heart. It feels like admitting defeat-- a lot like resignation. Plus, I get fairly annoyed in these kinds of set ups; a down side of studying theology. But, clearly, I need something if I went through so much angst. I'm just so completely opposed to categorizing.

I'm applying to some jobs and programs. I hate waiting.

faculty meeting

I loathe faculty meetings. I noticed that both my team members were absent as were the other 7th grade LA teachers. I felt abandoned... and stupid. Shocking, it was a colossal waste of time. But all was not in vain, there were two classic quotations from our erudite learning coach: 1) "the great autonomy of it all" and 2) "making connections with yourself".

wacko, presto

Today was a wackfest from start to finish. I enjoyed my classes overall, but had way too many meetings about the impending doom that is the field trip on Friday. It has catastrophe stamped in huge red letters all over it-- but we cannot abort this mission. The kids are gung ho, the money collected, the arrangements made, the permission slips collected, etc.

Then I sat through a two-hour mandatory meeting about... I don't know what. It was colossal waste of a lot of people's time. I have no idea what the objective of the meeting was.

Then, I made the strategic mistake of browsing in the relationship section of the bookstore after finding the single copy of Zinser's On Writing Well for my class that begins tomorrow. My god, I was depressed and crestfallen after scanning some of those books. Not only that, but I'm forever branded a loser for even being seen in the self-help aisle. People should shop for those kind of books through the privacy of the internet.

But, then I ate a vat of leftover spaghetti and headed to the library to work on my personal statement. Writing is a mood enhancer as is running. More effective than most things actually. Now, if it weren't too late and dark for a run. I'd be fully recovered.

clowns 1,000 joy 0

I'd be more prepared to meet a clown if I were at a circus, and they were dressed up. But, I always meet them when my guard is down, and I'm not emotionally prepared for the clownage. For instance, today, when I went to register for my Lateral Entry classes at the local schmocal college. The lady told me I didn't have the prerequisite. I told her I found that I found that hard to believe since I have a BA and a MA. She told me that they didn't have my transcipts in my folder. I responded I brought them to the college in August for the class I'm enrolled in now, and although I couldn't account for where they were that I could verify I brought them. Then she told me she had no way of knowing if I'd attended the schools. I explained that I couldn't teach if I didn't have the degrees I was saying I had (and consequently wouldn't be involved in this conversation)-- they're prerequisites for my job. Call the school system for which I work. She told me to calm down while pointing her finger at me. I thanked her for making my decision easier.

So, I'm looking for a different school, which I needed to do all along. I just landed in this one because it's the closest and least expensive (well, money wise). It wasn't the height of my emotional maturity, but all my emotional maturity had already been spent on 7th grade drama.

I just made a date to run an ultra marathon with my cousin when he gets back from Iraq and I complete my certification. There's light at the end of the tunnel for both of us. At least he gets weapons. And, he offered for me to drive his car while he's away. I love my family-- there some of the few people that are insane enough to get me.

And, I'm going sailing on Saturday!! The forecast if for the mid 60s and partly cloudy. I saw R before school, and he asked if I wanted to crew. I responded, "Of course." It's going to be a 4 man crew. Being on the water mellows me-- the size of the lake (or ocean) helps put things in perspective. Furthermore, it's a reminder of how little control we have over anything really. And, it gives me distance from all the ticky tack annoying crap that innundates my daily existence. It functions a lot like art-- it reminds of wonder and fun and beauty and adventure.

And, I made a date with my brother for the Sinatra night with the Charlotte Pops on Friday. It's going to be a swanky, good time. Where does one eat before a "Sinatra" concert.

Blood Meridian is phenomenal, and guys are a pain in the ass.

flat tire

Yesterday was one of my best teaching days yet! I nipped discipline problems in the bud while remaining chipper. The kids wrote page long journals about their life in 20 years. They engaged in conversation about oxymorons and paradoxes. The classes were quick paced. The students and I were amazed at our efficiency.

Today was okay. I'm learning how to relax in the disfunction and chaos. Things are never as they should be. The copier is always jammed or busy with 10 page packets when I'm working with tight margins. My planning-period ward needed much one on one work with prepositional phrases. Today as we were writing down literary terms to play bingo, I could see the kids get excited about how much they learned. They wouldn't stop spouting terms even though it meant more work. They were having fun. But, the natives are restless with the weather gorgeous.

But, the highlight of this teaching week has come during Walk and Talk. My 12 and 13 year olds are enthralled by the catepillars. They pick them up and play with them: they have the critters crawl up sticks. So, there are a couple of boys we had to say, "Don't step on them." But, for the most part they're gentle and curious with them. Seeing my little punks play with catepillars makes me appreciate them more. It reminds me that there's more to them than bravado, whining, body humor and sexual innuendo. I got to see them as precious little kids delighting in fuzzy worms.

This afternoon as I was hurrying to meet the Chief in order to meet my sister for dinner, I realized I had a flat. I could hear and feel it. Thankfully, the custodian was out dealing with trash. He fixed it with only a few comments about how dang hot it was. I gave him the towel I had in my gym bag, which helped a little.

I went to the place I bought the tires with the donut. They replaced the tire; whatever metal I ran over tore up the inside of the tire. Yay, for warranties and good customer service. I need to get Triple A for my car. It's common sense when your car has over 254k miles on it one might think.

I finished Jean Ferris's Bad tonight. I felt a large part of the book was about the power of literature in a reader's life. I got a list of books I'd like to read from it (Road to Oz). The protagonist's teacher assigns her books, which she falls in love with in juvie hall. I enjoyed it, and, more importantly, I think my kids will. I now have to create a Reading Guide. Then, I've started Sebestyen's Word by Heart. It's a powerful story, but I wonder if the setting and diction will mess with my kids.

Slated for tomorrow: long run and sewing. Don't I sound like a hip 60 year old-- not to mention I ordered something from Talbot's this week. And, I'm so ready for bed. Note to self: I hang out with the Chief and her sister altogether too much.

ooze

I'm still sick, and I'm tired of being sick. And, I realized that a lot of my illness is stress related. My job has worn me down. A friend asked me what I do for fun, and there was a pause afterwards. This afternoon I was thinking about what I like about my job and my mind became a blank slate. I realized that I'm not going to be able to go to DC for Spring Break due to my job, and I started crying. Then, I pulled myself together and applied with a placement company. At least I'm doing something. I need to move somewhere where I can find community and a job that doesn't eat me alive.

And, I found a possible outlet for my writing. We shall see. This is a ray of light in the dismal landscape. I just wish I were decent at something lucrative.

And, I'm going to have to make exercise a priority for health reasons. I think that'll help with the stress. And, I have no idea how to inject fun into my weeks. (Quit my job?)

And, I need to cull things that aren't life-giving, being as I need no help suffocating. "No Exit" seems to be posted on my life right now, which proves that I have little to no faith in God.

jolt

Fridays are good. My tolerance is high because the end is within sight. My students behaved... well. My mentor and I are pooling our kids together for a poetry lesson a week. She taught Limericks and Irish Blessings. They read to each other in pairs. Then, they wrote one of each in pairs. I think they enjoyed the exercise. It's the quietest I'd seen the bunch. I was impressed. I'm going to teach Haikus and Tongue Twisters (alliteration) next week. I'm getting excited about putting the lesson together.

My kids were speculating about my social life. I told them I don't have one (that in teaching a gave up friends and family)-- that I live in a box. They asked my what kind of box. I said a small one because I'm poor. They asked what about your car. I said I have a garage box for it. They asked where the box was. I said it's none of their concern. But, this cheeky exchange came after some of them told me that my team teacher had been discussing aspects of my (very exciting) private life with them. This fact disturbed me. I need to compose my thoughts and meet with my principal to see how best to deal with it. I need to provide details and facts because they are far more sustainable than he said, she said garbage. It really bothers me that she was discussing me with the students; it's unprofessional and creepy. I fail to see how there could be a possible reason or positive motivation behind it.

Another memorable exchange was with my "classroom helper". He was talking about how much money teachers make. I looked at him increduously. He remained adamant. I explained to him in relative terms, my sister. I told him that my sister and I have the exact same education level from roughly equivalent institutions. I then said, "She makes three times what I make. I make one-third what she makes." But, it made me think about how poor he must be to think that a southern teacher's salary is good. Sheesh, I find it barely livable. That makes me spoiled, I guess.

Tonight went to an independent Italian restaurant-- I had a good time, lasagna and syrah. Then, I went out to another Med-American restaurant to meet a friend, have drinks and listen to live music. Come to find out, they USUALLY have live music on Fridays. Good to know, I'll call in advance next time. We ended up having a good time.

Polycarp

Perhaps, I should have recognized the foreboding nature of a week filled with martyrs: Bonhoeffer and Polycarp. Bonhoeffer got the axe in the 20th century and Polycarp in the first. Bonhoeffer was in his 40s and Polycarp in his 80s. I love Polycarp's retort to being asked to deny Jesus: "For 86 years I have served Jesus Christ and he has never abandoned me. How could I curse my blessed King and Savior?" (This quotation from Saint Polycarp is used as the Benedictus antiphon.) The Roman officials didn't want to look like complete jerks and tried to get him to recant his faith. At Vespers, they read the part about him telling him not to nail him to the pyre. The selection is really inspiring until they get to the part about how wonderful the scent of his burning body was. I love the stories of the early martyrs, but they're over the top.


I was a martyr today on the pyre of pubescent hormones. I was ready to sell about half my students into indentured servanthood and call it character building. I can't wait to see what the rest of the week has in store in lessons of patience and humility, so I bought two bottles of Shiraz on the way home from Spiritual Direction.

I came up with a blue print for my denial during Lent. It's gonna hurt, but is immentently doable.

snapshots from the field

While I'm at it. Here are some notable interchanges I've had over the past week.

Last night around 11pm on the phone with my brother:

"I've been thinking about our lifespan. All our grandparents lived past 80. That put's me at a lifespan of over 90. It's a lot and a little bit..." I keep on pontificating.
My brother gently interrupts me, "Well, that's nice, but how about you think about your alarm clock going off at 5:30 tomorrow morning. That might be a little more helpful."
"You've got a point," I respond, and we wrap up the conversation.

After teaching a map exercise on South Africa and North Carolina while modelling Apartheid-like discrimination with the allocation of resources (rulers and calculators), I chatted with one of my habitual problem kids:

"Hey, J, why didn't you do any work today?" I ask as he's washing his hands for God knows what reason.
"You weren't fair," he said with as much earnestness as he is capable of mustering.
"When?" I ask.
"You didn't give me a ruler," he said.
"I know, it was part of the lesson," I said,
"It still wasn't fair."

Last week on a phone call with a parent:

"You know what I think the worst thing that happened to the US?" he asks.
"What?" I play along.
"Political Correctness," he said.

(This one's had me thinking all week. It makes me think of Thucydides and Jim Crow and the 19th Amendment and modern liberalism. It also makes me want to write a novel. Sometimes, I feel this year I'm collecting characters to populate novels for the rest of my life. At least, that's what I tell myself to inject some humor into a day like today. Yes, apparently, I had a hole in my dress around my ass today. I cannot think of a better audience than 7th graders for that kind of embarrassment.)

Tonight on the phone with Mand:

"They were so ridiculously pretentious, which is so annoying," I say.
She laughs at me.
"It's not like they're my kind of pretentious," I continue. "My kind of pretentious is endearing and entertaining."

p.s.

I hate the stimulus plan because I think it's stupid. Creating jobs for how long? A job could consist of one week or five years-- and the jobs are estimated to cost 100k a piece. It's a stab in the dark with a lot of pork (dead pig--i.e., it's already been stabbed) rolling around. Repeat after me, "Inflation." This is just another reason to move to Canada. At least with their hairbrain policies, I could laugh and not feel disappointed. I could say, "Silly, silly Canucks!" Unfortunately with the US, I have to use the first person plural (we) whenever I reference the evil, ridiculous shenanigans WE pull. Kyrios Elieson: FOCA. Supreme Court (judicial prudence). To me, foreign policy is secondary to state-subsidized infanticide. Call me a crazy Republican. I should clarify: when I said I hope Obama is successful, I meant I hope he doesn't run the US into the ground. I'm proud that there is a black man in office; unfortunately, it's a black man who's a politician versus a statesman. Perhaps, integrity went out of fashion with our infatuation with postmodernity. Clearly, there's a philosophical difference, differing world views, between the parties that few people are willing to admit or address. Orthodox Christianity is so tacky. Go, emerging church. Tell people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear.

comfort (food)

it all started when I overslept. I awoke ten minutes before I normally leave, but I left within my window of acceptability (6:30-6:45 am). I didn't drink coffee, and my hair looked particularly odd. Then we had intermurals in lieu of homeroom. I got miffed at my students because they were being completely half-assed (how's that for an oxymoron?). I yanked their buts off the court, and took them to homeroom. We watched the announcements instead. Apparently, it's okay to let your kids lack enthusiasm, but they were lying to me about who had gone. That's inexcusable.

And, my projector stopped projecting due to this kid "adjusting" it; he took out my computer monitor and the projector in less than ten seconds. I asked, "What did you do?" "I dunno," he replied earnestly. It's easy to believe him ever time he says 'dunno'.

So, in lieu of watching the video segment about sentence structure we turned to p. 1009; yeh, my kids were psyched. I made them work with the book even when the projector was up and running (it took about ten minutes). The point was the same: the book's version was more frumpy. They were half-assed with this sentence combining exercise. I made the one's who couldn't bother to do it to stay after until they finished it.

My day continued frollicking down Entropy Lane. My social studies lesson was dismal. In case you were wondering, 7th graders aren't fascinated by civil war in the Congo. I hope somebody learns from my failures. I thought it was awesome: three wars rolled into one (ethnic, international and civil). I was so very wrong. Drawing and comparing River Basins is way cooler. FYI.

But, afterschool I tutored some kids (two of my students pro bono and a 4th grader for $), and felt that I'm not the world's worst teacher. Hanibal Lector is. I went home and ate baked spaghetti, garlic bread, salad and coconut cake. I'm going to be a heftier person come tomorrow morning.

While I was planning LA, I found this amazing website with tons of downloadable short stories, www.short-stories.co.uk. We're talking Jack London, Oscar Wilde, Katherine Mansfield, and many more. The internets rawk! We're going to read "The Selfish Giant" by Oscar Wilde tomorrow. It has a Christian ending, which surprised me. I found the ending oddly satisfying and ironic. It didn't feel deus ex machina to me; although, it was. Wilde is such a charming and moral writer. I never bore of him.

ज्क्फ्ल्स्द;फजा क्ज्फ्क्ल्स्द;जफा क्ल्स्द्फ्जा; क्ज्स्द्फा

So my title is in Arabic, I guess. That's how you know I'm typing from school. I'll use this as reflection to gather speed for the work ahead of me. Some things went well. My first LA and my second SS went quite well.

There are a lot of whiners in my last class. Geez. Do some teachers actually capitulate when students whine? That wouldn't be a good lesson. That's not the one I'm teaching.

I definitely could have run my last class more effectively. When kids whine, I should ignore them or write their name on the board. I need to cut my instruction time down-- it's simply too much for most of them. And, I need to come up with a set amount of time for each segment of my class and stick with it. And, apparently I need to give vocabulary and tests to them. I've been focusing on grammar and reading.

I three meetings today: one before school and two during my planning.

Man. Must grade papers and plan.