rough start

Yesterday, I ate a traditional Southern New Year's meal:  Collard greens (dollars), black-eyed peas (coins=luck), corn bread (gold), and pork (supposedly, pigs are the one animal that can't walk backwards-- aren't they considered really smart too?  hmm...).  The more you eat, the better your luck is.  I skipped lunch so I could eat two helpings of everything!!!

However, I did not succumb to the tradition of New Year's resolutions. The only resolution I make is not to go to a gym in January. I think they're silly because the things I need to work on are going to take the rest of my lifetime.  However, I'm trying to become a better listener.  There was actually a class on listening one summer at Regent.  My friend Tim took it; he graciously laughed at most of my jokes about it.  But, now I think at a point in my maturity (intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) where I would benefit from that class... instead of see it as joke fodder.

I decided to go kayaking on January 1st would be a brilliant way to kick off the new year. I made this decision without checking the weather forecast.  It rained... and, apparently, I'm not an avid enough outdoorswoman.  I went and got a makeover at a store-- if you can't kayak, you might as well play with makeup.

Today a belt in my car broke while I was driving.  I called my mechanic, and he told me he'd look at it.   He fixed it.  I was super glad it happened this afternoon instead of 9:30 pm on my drive home on the interstate.  

I think there's a lot of room for improvement in 2013-- from last year.  I sent a job application last night.  I'm going on a date with a new guy tomorrow.  Here's to possibility!

Here are the two quotations that I'm commonplacing for the new year.  I found them comforting and convicting:

I don’t fear that at the end God will ask why I wasn’t Moses (great leader) or Thomas Aquinas (towering intellect), but why I wasn’t myself.  -Miroslav Volf

"We have this idea that everyone should be...totally whole, totally together spiritually, and totally fulfilled. That is a myth. In reality, our lack of fulfillment is the most precious gift we have. It is the source of our passion, our creativity, our search for God. All the best of life comes out of our human yearning - our not being satisfied...." -Gerald Mays, quoted in "Water in My Soul" by Luci Shaw.


(I took the pictures on January 29th, 2012 on my lunch break.)

gettin' her done

I left the house at 6:59 am and arrived just before 8pm ready for a shower and dinner. How things have changed.  I don't have as much time to ponder the meaning of life... and that's a good thing.  My hand is being forced in what my priorities are.  I feel there's been a fundamental shift somewhere deep inside of me.  I can't even verbalize it.  But, it's present in my attitude towards money, singleness, people, time, and God.  Humility coupled with a deep sense of responsibility, which sounds contradictory on the surface.

I was thinking about and praying about a second job, and I got a bite on a possible ESL gig nearby.  That would be cool.

I ran five miles on the elliptical and did Body Pump after work.  Traffic was terrible so I just got off at the Y 5 exit before mine and worked out in lieu of sitting in traffic. I really felt like giving up, but the two chocolate chip cookies I chowed down on for dessert... and everything else I ate provided enough motivation to muscle through the "I don't wanna".  Plus, I thought it would help me sleep tonight.  Seriously, I sit all day: driving to work, at work, during lunch, driving home from work.  I'm a sitter.

I'm liking my job.  I really enjoy some of the people, and there is a lot to learn.

reflection on the interview

As you could tell, I was pretty excited about the interview and thought it went well.  Let's be honest, I also really liked being treated like a desirable professional (being flown down and being put up in a suite) instead of a beggar being done a favor. But, I'm constantly humbled by how many things are out of my control.  I really think it came down that the other person was less expensive and easier to hire: the school would have had to pay a 3-4k finder's fee to the teacher placement service they used to find me, plus the move, and the hassle of getting certified in FL.  My consolation is that I think the middle school principal liked me a lot.  This same kind of thing happened to me last year (except the principal made a verbal offer... then rescinded it-- I could have sued but didn't).  

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a peace about it and renewed confidence.  I get carried away about finding a job... any job, instead of figuring out what precisely I have to offer (and how to market it).  I have a bizarre, niche resume, which actually suits me-- much like my new quirky haircut that I get lots of compliments on.  I just have to find the organizations that have a need for my niche. Last week's interview was a reminder that a market for my professional self exists.  I'm learning that it's just as impossible to undersell myself as to oversell myself.  We're in a really bizarre economy right now where people are uber-specialized yet multi-faceted.  And, I guess I am both those things.  I think I need to get more technologically savvy for whatever I do.

I'm making some last ditch attempts at teaching employment for this upcoming year, and then am back to the drawing board for short term employment.  I'm really leaning towards waiting tables so I have mental energy and imagination left to put into my job search.

Progress

the scarf?

My knitting project is getting longer... and inexplicably wider. I think I'm getting faster. It's nice to have a tangible product. I have my next class tomorrow night, so I will try to get at least another 5 rows done. It'd be awesome if I got 20 rows done! Bam, I'd show the preacher's wife. Ha. ha. ha.

My speed work out went splendidly. Yay :) I think 7:21 wasn't fast enough for the speed workouts; I ended doing 1.5 extra, adding incline and lowering the speed. I'm interested to see how the tempo workout goes on Thursday. Tomorrow I'm not going to do the 5-7 miles. I'd like to swim and/or row for an hour to get the cardio but save the pounding on my legs. We shall see.

I found my one-year bible while unpacking my books. I've been reading Joshua in tandem with Luke. Joshua's all busy slaughtering people and Jesus is besting Pharisees in battles of wit. It's an interesting juxtaposition and explains why Augustine and others were so keen on nonliteral interpretations of scripture. How are you supposed to read God ordained genocide? It makes sense to apply it in terms of rooting out sin: Ananaius and Sapphira style in the NT.

Progress is slow and tedious... a lot like knitting. But, every once in a while you catch a glimpse of change or improvement that makes it worthwhile.

And, finances are feeling more doable. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish them, but I now have concrete goals.

perseverance: memorizing poetry

I've been creating a new list of heroes through this desert stroll. No famous, pretty, rich or snotty people, but there are a few successful ones. My friend J is on the list. He's waited for 2.5 years to find a pastor job; he wasn't sitting in a basement twiddling his thumbs. He did all this really cool stuff: wrote a book, started an chaplaincy for elderly in a nursing home, began a fitness regime all while being rejected and dealing with a bureaucratic denomination. When I told him he was my hero in all of this, he laughed it off. But, he always offers extremely kind and useful tips (advice) always in the context of a personal anecdote. For instance, he told me he'd adopted Psalm 51:10-12 as his morning prayer. And, I have too. I've added it to my repertoire of Psalm 70:1.

My friend J who has been through an amazingly brutal marriage and divorce being judged by most of her friends because she refused to disclose why they were getting the divorce to prevent her ex-husband being shamed. She's very beautiful but that's not the beauty she cares about. One time J's daughter told her how pretty her preschool teacher was. And J asked, "Why is she so pretty?" Her daughter said, "Because she loves me. She's pretty on the inside... and her shoes."

This is a good time to be meditating on this new hero list because my fifteen high school reunion is fast approaching, and I was deciding whether or not to go being as I am unemployed, single and childless (at least I'm not fat). A veritable failure in the eyes of my 17 year-old self. But I'm realizing I'm developing a new set of standards of evaluating success. Can I go hang out with people that make lots more money, lead glamorous lives, have good-looking, successful husbands and adorable kids and be myself... and have a good time? I will impress myself. God is at work in me after all.

My sister was reporting how successful her prayer life has been recently. So, of course, I told her that she needed to put it to use on my job search. She paused and then told me that she was praying for me to find peace. She said my restlessness was the root of the problem; unemployment a symptom. Yes, she's the shallow one with the MBA. But, it reminded me of a discussion I had with Mandy about paths of sanctification. We're all getting transformed via different routes. Marriage and singleness are different burdens. Being born in the US or Burundi is a different burden. But we're not alone. That's why I like about J's Ps 51 prayer. Implicit is our helplessness and God's grace and love:

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Restore a steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not from your presence
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Renew the joy of your salvation within me.
Uphold me with a willing spirit.

5 books and nothing

So as I continue to hunt jobs to no avail, I need income. People aren't interested in my teaching services, so I had to think about what I have that somebody else might find valuable. Books. More precisely, some of my books. I went through my books and chose ones that I could part with and checked if they have any value on Amazon. A lot of them had no value, but some of them were worth over $50.

On Wednesday, I sold five books! I got really excited because one was a text book at $45, which made all the 4-5 buck books feel more worthwhile. I think I could definitely get into selling books, but I'm not sure it's the equivalent to a job. It's more in line with a hobby. I love to buy (and read) books. So, I've made arrangements to get my books out of storage and see if how many of them I would want to and could sell.

Today and yesterday have been rough. I'm realizing I don't have a really close friend and Charlotte with whom I could share. The last time I talked with someone about being unemployed, she asked me for a loan within two weeks of the conversation. It felt wrong on so many levels.

People are great at giving out vague encouragement and giving me ideas for jobs. I'm not substituting because that is hell on earth-- maybe for $1000/day. But, that's not the going rate. And, people talk about adjunct positions. I really need to know somebody at the schools. It's disheartening to apply to a job for several hours and not even get a response.

There's a part of me that really wants to start a business, which the posting-books-on-Amazon thing has really tapped into. My sister the marketer told me that I'm right on trend with selling my stuff; she even sent me an article. I've been thinking of different ideas. I like books, clothes, teaching and Christian spirituality. I'd really like to get some kind of online co-op/rental local thing going. I'm thinking with fancy clothes, juicers, tents, etc. People could list them and other people could rent them. Somewhere between Craig's List and Zilok and retalicand even Etsy and blog on 30 plus online clothing rental. Or, a clearing house for teachers who want to tutor and parents who need tutors. I would charge a small fee to the teachers, but it would allow them to make a lot more money (probably twice) than working for a tutoring company. So, I need to research all the different businesses and see the feasibility for me and this area. I need to look at structures and business models and figure out possible problems, the proper audience, marketing, fundraising, etc. My sister is good to remind me to use the down/hard times for tough reflection and motivation.

And, I've made two more resolutions on becoming self sufficient and simplifying. One, I want to buy no more than 3 new pieces of clothing for a year. I started in September; I'm already a month into this resolution. I can shop at second-hand stores or swap clothes. So, I'm excited about this proposition. Two, I'm going to stop dating for a while-- at least a month but maybe until the New Year. We shall see. I need to focus on my professional status and identity. I need just straight up friends to offer laughter, fun and a reality outside this little bubble of trouble in order to keep me grounded.

free online help for reaching 2011 goals

1. Budgetsimple.com is a free website that's easy enough for me to use. It has a spreadsheet that you design. I did accidentally erase one of my monthly budgets, but I blame that on me not the website.

2.loseit.com is a website that lets you track your food and your exercise. There are pull-down menus. I'm sure the calories aren't exact, but I was impressed with how specific the choices are. With running, you can get within 30 seconds of your pace. And, with food an ounce or an 1/8 cup. There are graphs. And, you can have friends (so if you're a member or join-- friend me!). It's kind of fun.

3. christianvolunteering.org is a site I found on idealist.org that's geared towards (you guessed it!) Christian organizations. I ended up emailing a prison ministry for teenage girls that's really nearby. It's once a week 4:45-6pm-- very doable.

If you have any good resources you want to share, please put them in the comments!