xmas tourist

I had one fun day yesterday... equally relaxing and stimulating.  Fun was much needed as I've been an uptight stress bunny the past couple of days.  But, fun is full of magic and reorientates my perspective.

I went to see the horrid new Gerrard Butler movie.  I sat through the entire thing waiting for it to get better.  But, it didn't.  (Sorry, if I ruined it for you.)  I should of gone to Anna Karenina, but I was afraid it would be disappointing because I love the book.  I don't think it could have been more disappointing than this dud; I despised how vapid it made out women to be.

Then we went to a French restaurant where I demolished this amazing smoked salmon croissant and some skinny fries and window shopped at the fancy stores that sell what NYC people where.  It's the stuff I read about in magazines.  It's nice to see it in real life.  I contend clothes boutiques are art galleries.  Shoes, dresses, etc. are beautiful and innovative.

It was cold. So when my aunt left to go to get ready for her appointment, I had to go by my favorite consignment shop.  I fell in love with this teal cashmere sweater, cool but decent jeans, and these Katherine Hepburn-esque/ Lauren Bacall-esque pants.  I was such a dork: I asked the sales girls to cut off the tags so I could wear them right then (sweater and jeans).  And, I changed right there.  I felt fantastic and adventurous that I headed to uptown.

After snagging a parking spot, I went around snapping really bad shots of cool decorations.  About five people came up to me and chatted while I was taking pictures.  I discussed with a homeless guy the possibility that they'd keep the lights up after Christmas.  We both they'll keep the tree garden one with blue lights up year-round.  The lights transform the corner from scary to magical.

An artistic Christmas tree

Then, I ended up at the Mint for their Tuesday night FREEdom.  Because of my work schedule, I miss worship services.  It's gotten to the point I'd even go to a bad one with cheesy music and lackluster preaching just to go.  But, the museum felt sacred in the sense that it's set apart.  Beauty points to a good and big God and reminds you that there are elements to reality that are not visible to the naked eye.

And, I happened upon this lecture by Joseph Walsh this artist that uses wood as his medium.  It was a fantastic lecture: nice looking guy, Irish accent, beautiful slides, and interesting ideas that I'd never considered.

It's nice to escape the grinding monotony of everyday every once in a while, right?  Even if it's a mini-adventure in your city.

contact, contact, contact, contact, contact

Did you ever say a word over and over again until you couldn't say it anymore and it seemed completely weird?  Just a normal word--nothing fancy; say, contact or, even, weird.

Or, have you ever spelled a word correctly, and it doesn't look right?  So, you spell it about three or four different ways to see if any of those look correct.   Say, occasion then ocassion then occassion. And, you end up going with your original spelling even though it still doesn't look quite right. Later, you look the word up in a dictionary, and you were right the entire time.

My sister and I would repeat words into oblivion, then dissolve into giggles.  We'd usually be sitting in one of our back bedrooms on pale green carpet next to our beds somewhere in the little kid activity schedule of eating, sleeping, playing, and growing up to be overly analytical.

Sometimes I catch myself doing that same exercise with my life.  Every once and a while, I'll wake up, start up my routine, and it doesn't seem right.  So, I tweak the schedule.  I'll have a cookie for breakfast instead of oatmeal.  Journal more to figure out what's going on. Or... go into full-on existential crisis mode.  Why am I here?  Does my life serve any real purpose?  Do I do anything worthy of my carbon footprint?  (I actually said that to someone yesterday. Oops.)  And, it turns into this dark, soupy mind loop but minus the giggling.

But, full-on existential crisis mode takes a lot of emotional and psychological energy, which leads to an early bedtime or, if I'm lucky, a nap.  Then, the universal elixir, sleep, set things right.  Oatmeal and routine are okay once again.

Comment dis tu "yeehaw" in Francais? Week 4, Day 1

Today was my first day actually doing my job.  'Twas a bit nerve wracking.  I naively thought today would be one more day to study and shore up my inadequacies. I was wrong. I'm glad that I had no idea today was the day because it would have ruined my weekend.

When my boss told me to sign onto the phone, I told him, "But, I have no idea what I'm doing."

He told me to come to his office.  So, we met in his office.  He asked, "What did you mean 'you don't know what you're doing'?"

I told him again with as much earnestness as I could muster, "I really have no idea what I'm doing."

"Be more specific," he told me.

"I don't know how to navigate the various systems. I don't even know what systems to pull up.  I'm going to fluster easily," I tried to explain.

My boss said, "Well, explain to your mentor what you need help on."  And, off I went.

I was so overwhelmed that I wasn't even scared.  When I was setting up in my mentor's cubicle, we chatted.  I confessed to him I was retarded when it came to this, and I was clueless.

He responded, "Of course you are. Everybody is when they start."

He spoke the precise words that I needed to hear.

So, he and another mentor joked with me as they helped me pull up the different programs I needed and do all my log-ons.   Then we did my first call, and it wasn't that bad.  The first couple of phone calls he did the majority of the computer work while I spoke with the member.  It was a really smart way to acclimate me.  I felt far more comfortable-- I now had a bungee cord as I plunged off the cliff.

By the end of the day, I actually took one call on my own.  It was successful.  The different programs started to make sense.  I sensed a flow, a logical rhythm in it.  The guys showed me short cuts and different (easier) ways to perform the same processes.

I had a really good time with the guys who mentored me.  They're my little brother's age.  So, I treated them as such.

Nobody was overtly rude to me.  Two people hung up on me when I told them I was unable to do what they wanted me to do... because it was illegal.  (I didn't say the illegal part.) My mentor told me that it's far better to be hung up on then to be yelled at.   I think I agree.  The members were really patient with me.

I was supposed to work out after work.  I met a friend for Mexican instead.

training: w1 d1

I arrived 30 minutes early, so I walked to Starbucks.  It opened in 28 minutes.  So, I walked to the greenway tucked under the campus of my company that runs along a sleepy creek.  (I think I'm going to enjoy that feature of the job.)

When I came back, there was a girl waiting outside the door.
Having a few episodes of Sherlock Holmes under my belt, I asked her, "Are you new?"
She said, "Yes."
I asked, "Were you told to be here at 8?"
She said, "Yes."
I said, "Good. I thought maybe I was going crazy."

We looked out at the vast, empty parking lot and the sign on the door that read: "Monday- Friday: 8:30-5:30." It was reassuring that she didn't know where to park, or how long training was or where we were supposed to be either.  We bonded as we laughed.

A two-week-old new hire let us in the building at 8:01.  Then, our boss arrived at 8:30 and told us to sit down at other peoples' desks, which we did while he printed off the paperwork we needed to fill out.

At 9:30, training commenced with a SVP who'd worked for the company for 36 years.  He was entertaining.  There was a powerpoint and lots of talking: first him and then others.  One long powerpoint.  It may have been never ending, and they simply stopped clicking.

They served a catered lunch, which was a pleasant surprise.  I walked over to the Starbucks again, and got a bogo Pumpkin Spice latte with one of the trainers.  It was a solid half-price move that got me through the afternoon of more power points and talking.

We couldn't log onto computers so they sent us up to the call center to listen on calls.  That was fun.

My first impression: I really like the people but not impressed with the organizational skills of the organization.

The highlight of my day came in the form of a text from my uncle.  Background: we'd been talking about this not being my dream job. He said that dream jobs didn't actually exist.  FYI: he thinks dream jobs have a lot in common with unicorns.  So, when I came up for air from the infinite powerpoint and droning, I discovered this text: "Here's my list of dream jobs: Quarterback for a NFL team, lead singer for a world famous rock band, concert pianist, airplane pilot, national sports talk r  adio host, owner of a major league franchise, author of at least two best selling novels, trust fund baby philanthropist."
I responded, "Fast food critic, satirist, sculptor." He responded, "Fast food critic- that's a keeper."  I felt loved and appreciated as I listened to the powerpoint's details.

C'est la vie.  God is good.

the weekend of bookshelf

On Friday my latent nesting instinct kicked in 6 months after moving.  I hung some of my pictures, and started going through some stuff. I even found a bookshelf on Craig's List Friday afternoon.  I emailed the dude and arranged a pick up that night: I borrowed a truck, gently coerced a neighbor into helping me unload it and bring it upstairs, and got the guy I bought it from with one of his neighbors to help me load it.

It was a bit daunting because the sucker was heavy.  In some ways it was nice to be a single woman because people were more willing to help me.  It was a little frustrating because I had to do it on everybody else's terms (I wanted to do it Sunday, the seller wanted to do it Friday; the neighbor helped me move it upstairs at 10 pm, etc.).  But, I ended up with what I wanted at a price I could afford-- I got a $100 check in the mail earlier this week that more than covered all the associated costs.

I unpacked all my boxes of books-- at least 12.  Bibliophiles, you know how great that feels.  I found some ones that I'd really missed: Wendell Berry's Collected Poems, NT Wright's Jesus.  And, in my 3 ring binders, I found my transcripts for my Master's.  I through away a lot of paper, and have a box of books to donate.  I'm a natural born pack rat. 

I love the bookshelf because one square is devoted to Russian novels, one square to poetry, etc.  And the shelves are deep-- so I have two rows to them.  I'm sure it'd cause an anal person a panic attack, but I love it!

The whole experience was empowering and humbling.  Friday night was full of tedium, but I organized three aspects (truck, pickup and drop off) with relative ease.  It was humbling that people were so willing to help for nothing in return.  Having my books was a little emotional because they reflect different periods in my past and bring back memories.  I unpacked Latin, Greek, Spanish, and English Lexicons.  Books I bought in Japan and Peru.  My Jonathan Edwards biography, which is surprisingly good.

I figured out a class I want to teach on writing spiritual autobiography, and two books I'd use as texts.  I found my personal training text books I need to come up with a strength workout for myself.

Much like training for a marathon, I feel like I was handed another key piece of my identity.

Southern afternoon

Farmers' Market. Watermelon, cucumbers, etc. Entertaining conversations with farmers. Took recycling and the attendant called me "ma'am" twice.

Lunch. I love a vegetable plate with macaroni and cheese, zucchini and squash, and pinto beans with sweet tea and my friend at a new restaurant.

Bookstore.  Bought a book (the last one of the title!). Read magazines for free. Excellent people watching.

Peach Ice Cream in South Carolina. Then we drove down to South Carolina... because why not? We went to the Peach Tree and shopped for produce.  Did you know there's sweet potato syrup? Then we got peach ice cream cones!  Ice cream is dangerous: my friend's scoop fell off her cone while driving.  She caught it.  We had to pull off the road.  We survived.

Drive. Past horse pastures, gardens, and lovely houses.

Flo Rida Part 2

"Me" on my little metaphorical sailboat

Today started late.  I woke up at 9:30.  I went to the farmer's market, visited the nursing home bringing my friends flowers, and received a call from the head of middle school at the Florida school.  (BOOM!  I'm flying down there next Tuesday for an interview.)  I then went to my appointment for my brow wax.  I even stopped by my favorite thrift store, and it was having a sale.  I got a navy cotton J.Crew suit that fits well for $12; it doesn't require any alterations (but I'll have to wear flats).  I bought a suit because I only own a tropical weight wool suit.  I don't care what weight it is; if it's wool, it's not going to work in southern Florida in July.  I went by the 24/7 prayer room and... prayed. Then,  I got my hair chopped.  The stylist told me, "You have a fantastic jawline for short hair."  I said, "Thank you."  Because she said I had a fantastic jaw.  Too bad jaws are underrated.  Now all I need to do is find a "jaw guy".

I came home and booked the flight.  I'm putting it on my card, and the school is going to reimburse me. I'm spending one night.

It's good to feel the breeze of hope.  I'm going to hoist my sail and see where it leads.  I'm very thankful to Jesus for this much needed break.  When I told my mom, I think she was happier for me than even I was.  I love the Mom.

Maybe I'm going to start sleeping in on principal.

weird that it isn't wierd

"I" before "e" except after "c".

"Weird": where form and function meet.

Can you tell that I just noticed that about the word?  I probably was all over the factoid when I was in third grade, then, gratefully, I moved on to other things.  But, all things, including style and ideas, are cyclical.

Yesterday was one weird day.

The weather was a moist, monochrome grey that crescendoed into this glorious, horrific thunderstorm that lasted an hour.  The thunder could have inspired Beethoven when deaf.  I just lay on the sofa and pulled down the blinds and enjoyed.

Then I drove to the big city, and it hadn't even rained.  That's the kind of detail that tests your sanity.  I was talking about the weather, because I'm polite and weird like that. Nobody knew about the thunderstorm; I might as well been talking about "the voices".

Before the thunderstorm, I visited some ladies at a nursing home.  It was not what I was expecting.  I was hoping that I'd be a ray of sunshine for these little ladies.  I didn't rely on my looks and charm alone: I brought them candy.  It ended up that I crashed two parties; they already had visitors.  I stayed over an hour with the first lady and her visitor.  They'd been missionaries in Haiti together.  They were fascinating women... and beautiful in the true, real sense.

My interaction with these women created or uncovered some form of discomfort.  It wasn't that I felt judged; they were gentle, kind, and keen women.  Maybe, it was because they were so solid, completely lacking in pretense and guile.  It made me think of the grass in Lewis' The Great Divorce.  This grass cut the visitors' feet who were ghost-like.  It's the weight of holiness.  Being in their presence reminded me of being around my favorite prof in Vancouver.  There's a qualitative difference in spending time with these people.  They're tuned into eternity.  I felt completely seen and heard in their presence.  The "completely" part is the terrifying part.  I'm sure they could sense my anxiety and shame, which is my lack of trust in Jesus.

After the thunderstorm, I had more conversations about identity.  I called one of my friends and midway through the conversation, she said, "I've been crying."  Come to find out, she'd gotten a spray-on tan that was much darker than she'd expected, which caused this identity crisis.  She felt this was a manifestation of trying to be somebody other than God created her to be.  And, I had another conversation about addiction in Christians.

It was a weird, heavy, wonderful day that I'll be carrying around for a while.  I feel like yesterday, Friday the 13th, was a lesson that I'm not quite ready for.  But, maybe I'll understand it somewhere down the road.  It was the kind of day that could turn you into a Calvinist.  It was the kind of day that reminds me of the meaning and shape of life. It was the kind of day that God was really there.

Weird: maybe my life is where form and function meet in my own journey.  Maybe similar to the English language, the exceptions prove the rule.  Expectations, like phonics, have a 70% success rate; the other 30% is where the magic, mystery and miracles exist.

"redneck" is relative

Yeehaw, it's Independence Day!  Let's shoot some fireworks, grill some meat, eat some watermelon, and drink some beer!

The last time I watched fireworks was in Edgartown on Martha's Vineyard two years ago.  It involved a picnic, a parade, a view of the ocean, a 5 mile race in the morning, and fireworks.  It was lovely.

It was nothing like tonight!  I was in the South.  We went to a friend's family gathering.  The food was plenteous: hotdogs, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, chili, potato salad, corn on the cob, creamed corn, four kinds of pickles, guacamole, watermelon, cantaloupe, seven kinds of chips, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff.  For dessert, there were six kinds of cookies, apple pie, and ice cream cake.  I'm not in bed because my tummy aches.  But, it was worth it.

There was a pool and chatting for entertainment.

Then, there were fireworks.  Probably about $1500 worth.  All the fireworks stacked and in bags looked like presents at Christmas time. Remember: fireworks are illegal in North Carolina.  It seriously was one of the best shows I've seen.  Most of the fireworks were legitimate-- not backyard variety puny.  I think it was more fun because we got to see them set them off... then run.  I never knew fireworks had names: "Rainbow Warrior", "Touchdown of Alabama", "Russian Roulette".  The names were reminiscent of fortune cookies' fortunes.  And, I learned about "30 shots" versus "50 shots".

Not only was tonight great, but I also got some people interested in going to a dirt race.  I've wanted to go.  My brother has great stories, and I've never even gone.

I have a friend who considers me her redneck friend, and, I guess, I'm more uncouth than she.  I'm guessing she had a veggie burger with some pasta salad tonight. I consider these awesome individuals my redneck friends; and they're certainly less pretentious than I.  There were ladies that were quite large who were far more comfortable in their swim suits and tank tops than I am; I have a lot to learn about contentment. Then, while we were assessing the firework booty, a kid was talking about what rednecks would say.  This is to say, everybody needs some rednecks in her life.  They're so fun and authentic that it ain't too bad to be considered one.

Thrown bones

So, some days are rough. My brother said to me: "You're to emotion what monotone is to voice." We both started laughing. He has a point, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm naturally intense, but now the intensity is rubbed raw making it all the more intense. Yeehaw. Anyway, I'm struggling for joy.

Some days, I pray, "Throw me a bone." I feel it's a variation on the woman asking for scraps from the table. And, the three bones I've received recently:

The movie Hugo is phenomenal. It's a feel-good movie with some really cool literary devices. It's also nominated for the most Oscars. It's a kids' movie in the same manner Narnia is.

These two quotations:

"Everything that happens to you is your teacher:
The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it.
Everything that happens is either a blessing which is also a lesson,
or a lesson which is also a blessing."
- Polly Berrien Berends, Quaker author

‎"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."

muchness report

*
The Mad Hatter: [to Alice] "You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." This quotation and the connected theme made the new Alice movie far more interesting, and Johnny Depp made it more sinister. I digress.

But, "muchness" is a very real attribute. I think this new business adventure is reinvigorating my muchness. I'm excited and energized. I'm researching, writing, planning, analyzing... all stuff I LOVE to do! And, it may pay off! I want to become a Slasher: tutor/personaltrainer/writer/entrepreneur/consultant. Boom.

I spoke with a good friend last night. He told me that I sounded the best that I have in a long while. He also said that there were no guarantees of success, but that didn't mean the idea isn't worth pursuing. He pointed out that I'd learn and grow and that I couldn't get more broke. And at worship, our pastor prayed that God would take away our fear and shame, and I realized that I need to pray for that every day-- to pray for my muchness.

I found some cheesy quotations that are deeply flawed, but I like them nonetheless. I'm tired of being risk adverse, and it's not helping me any. I think I'm trying to live a life that isn't mine. Maybe I can't get a job as a nanny or secretary or grocery store clerk because I'm supposed to be wrestling my way into entrepreneurship-- where nothing's safe or guaranteed and I'll always be very aware of that. I'll have to pray and trust God. Yikes.

Muchness is scary! It's overwhelming to feel the possible impact you can have as a human. Imago Dei: to feel the weight, grandeur, and humility of our humanness. It would fill me with ineffable gratitude, and I'd, consequently, be annoyingly positive. And, I am excited. It is an adventure that I can take. I don't have little kids or a mortgage. I don't have a job I could lose. I'm very free and have very little to lose. I don't even own a bed.

Therefore, friends, go be muchier--free of fear and shame!


Cheesy Quotations to Rouse One to Adventure NOW:

The future you see is the future you get. ~Robert G Allen

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. ~Maya Angelou

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. ~Zig Ziglar

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou

Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take risks, don’t wait! ~Misty Gibbs


*http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014759/

good news!!!

I received two rejections by noon today. That's nice. Plus, it's a monsoon outside. The sound of the rain woke me up this morning. Yet, a good day because of the really fun first date last night. I'm choosing to think about the positive. Mand, we went to an art museum-- it was so much fun and very funny. I'd been, but he hadn't. He made me notice things that I hadn't before. Then, we drank wine and ate tapas, which sounds really pretentious but was actually a lot of fun.

Lessons I'm learning.
1. Focus on the positive. My uncle reminded me how lucky I am to be in good shape-- to not take my health for granted. And, he's right. Joining the gym has been really good for me. I can have challenges outside of finding a job. And, allowing myself to enjoy last night despite my career being nonexistent; not being defined by circumstance. Life is still good, or, I should say: God is good despite this rather glaring circumstance.

It reminded me of the realization I had in Japan: running is a really cool gift God gave me. Running (and walking) was a total consolation when in Japan; it was an escape. It still is. Plus, it helps me sleep and keeps me sane and fit. I always wanted something flashy-- like singing. But, no. God knows best.

I read this earlier today, and it fits: “In difficult times, you should always carry something beautiful in your mind.”--Blaise Pascal. Then Luci Shaw commented, "Grace in any mode is a form of beauty--undeserved but freely bestowed and available."

2. Patience. All of life is waiting. Last night looking at the art, I experienced again the simple act of waiting. There's something to be said for a little puzzling and interaction with something new. It takes time and reorientation to understand something in its own terms. What was the artist trying to do? I'm learning to presume there's a bigger context than the one I initially considered. The same is true for people and situations. It takes time to figure out what's going on and what God's doing (not that I'll ever figure that out!).

Here's an example: My phone hasn't been working since Saturday. I went to the store to find out how to fix it. The sales people said it was beyond being fixed and the warranty had expired. They told me that I'd have to buy a new phone. I responded that this probably wasn't the best time to hawk me a phone since mine had just broken. In my twenties, I would have just said, "Screw it", thrown the phone away and be without a phone. However, I'm slowly maturing and emailed a former student with my problem. He told me to take out the battery and submerge it in rice for at least twelve hours. I did it for about 24 hours, and, by jove, it works! I wrote back to thank the student. I feel I was being rewarded for being patient.

farm

I went to a farm yesterday with my mom. It was out near where I grew up, and I've known the owners since I was a baby. It was weird to go out in the country. It's still gorgeous but seems smaller. They paved the road on which I grew up. I liked it as a dirt road.

We went for ground beef, but we bought sorghum molasses instead. No doubt you can figure out what happen. The lady tried to sell us beef sausage. No offense, but that sounds kind of nasty. However, I've never had it. It may be the most awesome sausage EVER, and I am totally missing out. So, I feel legitimately Southern with my molasses.

And, I've been walking instead of running, which takes more time but is more relaxing. Well, a different kind of relaxing.

I have a first date on Tuesday to the art museum that I'm very excited about. Now, I'm wondering what I should wear. Dress? Skirt? Black pants? Jeans? It's going to be fairly warm. It can't be any worse than my interviews, right?

I watched three movies recently: Cape of Good Hope, Northanger Abbey and Like Water for Elephants. I listed them in order of preference. I didn't really like the last one.

Oh, how could I forget: I made 15 bean soup that actually tastes really good.

This is all, of course, is juxtaposed with real news: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, 69, has died. Will his son be a better leader than he?

Ecclesiastes #9

My day was a downer, and I was dreading bible study. Women and talking. But, it was really helpful. We laughed a lot, which was much needed.

I've started Tolstoy's War and Peace (p. 60 of 1150-- getting it done). Maybe I'll remember this year as the Tolstoy year instead of the year of my employment discontent.

Also, my advent class is set. You're welcome to come!!
An Introduction to Advent. On Saturday, December 3, 2011, Pinkling will be conducting an interactive seminar on the season of Advent from 9:00-11:30 at the church office. We’ll be looking at the advents of Christ through the lens of tradition, the characters of the nativity, the Psalms of Ascent, and the O Antiphons. It’ll be an exploration of Advent through means of Scripture, poetry, music and art. Come, learn more, and celebrate this wonderful season in the church calendar! Participants receive a free Advent devotional book.

Don't you like how we're bribing them? Nice. I'm that compelling of a teacher.

My faux dog or "my" dog

Sasha
I live with a dog named Sasha. He's 100% mutt and excellent company. He's very pretty and not too smart. As we all know, this is a good thing. Canine intelligence is a terrible thing: the dog and his humans end up extremely frustrated. They don't have words only paws and teeth and incoherent barking. I emphasize the positive: "beautiful coat", "you're so quiet", "you're excellent company", etc. However, he prefers to hear his name to be sung, "Sasha sasha sasha sasha sasha." He finds the repetition pleasing. His tail wags in beat as I chant.

We enjoy walking but have separate expectations, which can lead to not good outcomes. Plus, he's obscenely furry and it gets everywhere. He's been extremely patient training me. I'm learning his language, which involves very little barking. He communicates mostly with his front paws and snout.
Sasha Asleep

craig's list is sketchy

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

weirdness and waiting

(spoiler alert: 2+2 remains 2+2; there is no resolution. But, if you're a regular, you're used to it.)

funeral
+job application
+cousin having baby (it's a girl)
+gut-wrenching conversation with a friend with a broken heart
+studying Advent (2 very different wreaths: 1) hope, faith, joy, & love 2) patriarchs, prophets, John the Baptist, Mary)
+Mexican for lunch
+car inspection and tag renewal
=Today

Life is all about weird juxtaposition. The profound and profane all crowded and jostled in the same subway car. Death, birth, bureaucracy, grace, red tape, enlightenment, boredom, laughter, disappointment.

Thought of the day: I've been role-playing through the Advent Cast: Mary, Joseph, John the Baptist, Wise Men, shepherds, etc., trying to unlock the spiritual/practical application of the historical story. (I can't help myself. I spent several semesters studying Lectio Divina.) Mary is self-explanatory-- Jesus lives and grows inside us in a nutshell. I was wrestling with Joseph-- he clearly demonstrates obedience and servanthood. But, upon my conversation with my friend, I think I may see Joseph as the role of the broken-hearted and shattered/unfulfilled-dreamers. Imagine what he must to have gone through if he loved Mary; he arrives at treating Mary with some dignity on his own. However, God doesn't let him off the hook. He's called to go into this continent of self-denial and faith that's far beyond normal expectation. It's like a precursor of the Sermon on the Mount mixed with Job post apocalypse where he gets double the children.

To sum up the rest of this incoherent post I'll quote my mom's response to my blathering on about Advent: "Studying is fun, isn't it?" You may read on if you wish.

There are the three comings Advent celebrates/acknowledges:

1. his arrival into history/incarnation
2. his return/second coming
3. intermediate entrance into our lives

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. -Romans 8:22-5 (Message)

I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny. Kathleen Norris

bread

I really want to make some bread. In the concrete sense (and the metaphorical one too). I think I'm going to try tomorrow. I really like cooking, especially now that I have a decent kitchen to work in. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm at an impasse at finding a job; I called and sent out over twenty resumes this week and am feeling emotionally drained (as lame as that is). So, I think I'll take a long weekend and come back Monday revived and energized about looking for my dream job. My bible study on Ecclesiastes is timely. There's a time to study Ecclesiastes and a time to study James.

My friend's mom is having a really good day! And, people donated enough money and miles so that her sister can fly home four times to see her family over the next two months; she disengaged the donate button. How cool is that?!? God is good. (This does fit in-- give us our daily bread.)

a long time

Everyone needs a 5 month hiatus every now and again. Mine was put to good use: 3 weeks on the Vineyard, a month in Latin America (Peru (Macchu Pichu), Ecuador (Galapagos Islands)), a weekend get-away to Boston, and I moved about 20 miles in distance, but it feels a lot further.

Update:
- I'm taking Spanish lessons on Wednesdays. There are 3 students in my class; our teacher is from Columbia. I've been to one class, and I'm thinking Level 3 might be a little ambitious. But, it will be fun. Why my sudden interest in Espanol? Embarrassment when I was in Latin America-- everybody I met was multi-lingual except for other Americans. Next, I want to take Hebrew at the Jewish Center. But, I know my limitations... one language at a time.

- I'm loving my classes this year. Let me tell you: good students make all the difference! I actually am kind of excited to go into work. It's as the Chief says it's good to give and receive... you're getting fed too; it makes a difference. And, I am. My emotional climate classroom is much warmer this year. I have about ten readers-- it's so fun to talk books with them. Plus, it's freeing to know that I won't be back next year. I need to get on the process of getting a job lined up.

- Church. I feel hesitant to make the announcement, but I think I've found one. King of Kings Anglican church. The pastor is a Regent grad. It's a teaching church that's into being Jesus' hands and feet. The service had all three of my must-haves: Nicene Creed, Lord's Prayer and expository preaching (he just plowed on through Psalm 84). They're under the Rwandan bishop-- so their talk about the universal church is more than PC chatter. I saw a woman on Sunday that I met at Well of Mercy and was glad to see because she was incredibly interesting and funny. And, there's a women's Bible study on Genesis-- not weight loss or being a loving wife. I'm a fan of the single-sex without the cloyingly sweet subject material. I'm so not a knitter. (This has made me a little giddy. I had no idea how much it had been weighing on me. My ever-pragmatic sister warned me that it won't be perfect because a church is a bunch of people.)

- I moved. I like my cute, little, old apartment. I think my roommate and I will work well together. I love the running-- the neighborhoods are great with huge trees, and there are parks. It's fantastic! And, I can walk to lots of little independent restaurants and an independent theater. It feels like I live in a city. The apartment is tiny, but I'm referring to it as "European" and seeing it as a growth opportunity. I'm way to American with all the crap I have. I need to pare down. Although 100 things is not a realistic goal at this time, I think I can definitely streamline my stuff and work on my attitude and relationship to buying and owning.

I hope to be more frequent. It dawned on me as I started treating my FB status as self-expression that I needed to get back to blogging! Although I terminated all my readership through the hiatus, I'm back! I'm reading Peterson's Reversed Thunder and Collins' Mockingjay. So, I'll report on that and other belly-button flint as I see fit.

Quotation: "Life is too short to be small." Disraeli

prep for spring break

It's surreal that we've made it to Spring Break. I just printed up my grades to sign and hand in to the secretary.

Now I'm off to a 30 minute abs class. I'm not sure my abs are up for 30 minutes of anything, esp. working. We'll see. It's my friends birthday and this is what she wanted to do.

And, I signed up for two 10ks. One is next Saturday-- it's a road race. One is May 22-- it's a trail run at the National Whitewater center. I think I'm ready for 10ks but not quite there for halfs.

Found some awesome vegan recipes. Citrus Basil Lentils.

Heading up to Richmond tomorrow.