more tuition

remarkably similar to my car-- even the right color!

6:57 am last Friday my car would not start.  Absolutely nothing.  Since It was my 10th day on the job, I didn't have a lot of wiggle room about being late let alone not showing.  My mind raced.  This had never happened to me, which is kind of nice considering I have a 1993 Corolla wagon with over 295,000 miles.

On Wednesday, my plumber neighbor warned me that my break lights were turning on and off at will, and that would eventually drain my battery.  I didn't really worry about it because the lights didn't seem to stay on very long.  I usually give myself a couple weeks of leeway with car problems.

Big mistake.

My mom loaned me her car to get me out of the pickle... AND took my car to the mechanic.  Friday night and $80 later, I had my car back.

Sunday morning came as did weird noises and a hesitant start.  Then, I stopped at Food Lion to pick up a bag of Cheetos before church because I was running early.  When I came out, my car wouldn't start.  The lady loading her minivan with groceries called her husband to figure out how to help me.  Then, this guy in a teal Chevy pickup truck came around and the guy jumped my car's battery.  I decided to risk going to church.  My car cranked after some sputtering.  Mom told me to take her car to work Monday.  I found out Monday night the car didn't start for her.  She had to take my car to the mechanic again.  This time he replaced the battery.  He didn't charge her and gave her his business card, haven written his cell number on the back in case we had more trouble.

The car has been on its best behavior ever since.  I went by the mechanic's and shelled out $90 today because the battery worked.  He had gotten the part from Toyota and put it on for me.

It made me realize how much I take for granted.  And, I realized how the past couple of years have changed me.  I'm glad that my car wouldn't start instead of breaking down while driving.  I'm really glad my mom was so close to bail me out with her car.  And, the $170 was expensive with the thin margins I'm running, but it's still a far better deal than a car payment.

And, my car is a puny need in the big picture.  I have friends who are struggling through much more trying trials.  Faith and hope are a far more rugged workout than I imagined.  You come out different.

Here's a FB status from a friend that celebrates the beauty of normal:

You know, I'd never thought about it before all this happened, but even a simple task like taking a shower requires a lot of balance and strength. I couldn't even step INTO the shower for several months. Now I've gotten the showering routine back down to about 20 minutes. Small things, but it's a lot of progress from where I was!

One of her friend's responded: I feel you! I got excited to be able to cut my toenails today!

Praise God for cars that start, the ability to shower and cut toe nails, baking sugar cookies, basking in sunshine!

all's well

A good report all around.

Work is going well. I feel like I'm catching on, building some cognitive and relational momentum. Heck, I'm even enjoying dressing up.  I'm trying to decide what purchases to make because this is a far fancier job than teaching.  I've come to a reasonable compromise with the traffic: I leave at 7am and arrive to work at 7:30 and do my devotion in my car.  And, I beat the traffic home by stopping at the Y on the way home and doing my 5 or 7 miles and maybe a class.  So, it's a little longer, but flexibility makes it far more enjoyable.

I didn't run after work but went to church instead.  It was on "Hallowed by thy name."  It hit a nerve... in a good way.  It was a reminder of my constant need to get reoriented to Reality.  God's bigger and stronger than any of the problems whether a political election or unemployment.

The icing on the cake: really phenomenal conversations with dear friends.  One on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  I felt loved, grounded and encouraged by the words and the relationships.

Day 3: haHA

When the guy exclaimed "You've got it!" at 2:30 this afternoon, his voice was the sound of relief.  The poor dude was legitimately concerned about my understanding the information.  Good thing I come through in the clutch.

I guess they had the right to be nervous: it took me over twenty minutes to log in the first time.  But, I'm unravelling the logic of the systems and financial concepts.  Let's face it: I'm not afraid to ask questions... or interrupt... or ask the instructor to repeat what he said... or hazard a guess.

Plus, I've found a volunteer position as a safari guide to the greenway.  I took two excursions out today.  My morning excursion was with two guys in the class.  Then, over lunch, I muscled through the gag reflex with speed so that I could explore.  I found a buddy to go with me.  We saw a blue heron land on a tree!  We saw a model posing for a photographer at a waterfall.  We saw braille poems.  And, I got a huge cup of Starbucks so that I'd look alert through the afternoon.

Carpe Diem!  Work hard, play hard, get to know people.  I've got to make this job my own; it's up to me.  I've got to figure out how to make it work.  And, I am.

job hunt, phase 2

I found a job: full time with benefits.  It even required a college degree. It was frightfully easy and the entire process took less than two weeks.  It feels surreal in a way.  I have no clue why this company and job didn't occur to me before now.  But, it didn't.  I think I may even enjoy it.  At least the first year or so.

I start training Monday at 8a.m.  When I finish training, I'll work Friday-Monday 10am-9pm.  That means I'll have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

I'm also going to teach a class on (spiritual) journal writing at my church, starting in late October.  I'll have an outlet for teaching.  Things are coming together.  Thanks be to God.

Information Diet: A Case for Conscious Consumption by Clay Johnson

Excellent, clever book.  Quick read with a simple, important concept:  We need to apply the same logic and consciousness (if not more) to the information we come contact with as we do with the food we eat.  He's a proponent of Info Veganism: as little processed information as possible.  Go for pure information and do the interpretation yourself.  He likens MSNBC and FOX News and the thought affirmation they provide to sugar: it tastes so good, but is really bad for us.  "Without constant attention to perspective diversity, we assure ourselves of mutual intellectual sycophanticide" (113).  It's easy to stick to perspectives we agree, but we need thought ruffage in the same manner as we need lettuce and spinach.  Chapter 9 is "A Healthy Sense of Humor."  I'm telling you: it's good.

The book is written in a conversational voice with excellent anecdotes and relevant data.  I came away convicted and liking the author.  The preface lays out the book.  The first part describes the problem and its implications.  The second part prescribes a solution-- hence the information diet.

If you're interested, you can look it up on YouTube for a one minute and a one hour discussion.

more plans...

Tomorrow, I'm headed to another state capitol to see about teaching.  They'll look at my transcripts and tell me about the Lateral Entry process... since I know nothing about it... The worst case scenario is: I get to have lunch with my little brother.  The best case scenario: I land a history position in a high school in a cool city.  There a total of three cool cities in this state.

My other plans include running.  I spoke with my cousin with whom I did a 24-hour adventure race about fighting the DPI.  He told me I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell because the guidelines are linked to state and federal funding.  I told him thanks for explaining it to me because I was going on logic rather than funding. But, while we were chatting, he told me that he wanted to do an ultra marathon.  I hem-hawed.  But, I think I'm in for phase one. I'm planning to run a marathon on November 16; it's a local one so it's no big commitment.  I won't run for time; I'll run for completion-- with a goal of 4:30 or 4:45.  Then there are several fairly local 50 k's and 50 milers in January and February.  Then there's a really nice (flat and temperate) 100 miler the first week of April we could do.

I'm so depressed and despondent about employment that I think I need a new outlet.  If I stick with this, I'll see results... unlike applying for jobs or dating.

weltschmerz to joy

Weltschmerz: Must Speak Bhutanese

My routine: find out about a job. Apply: write a cover letter and rework an existing resume after researching the company/organization. Wait. Interview. Wait. Somewhere during the process I generally fall in love with the job, and daydream about doing the job. What would I wear? Would I eat lunch at my desk? The process can stop prematurely at any stage. My latest crush ended at 12:11 this afternoon with a “we decided to offer the job to a Bhutanese speaking interpreter we are waiting for the approval of the NC state office. If the status changes we will call you back.”

But, I have to say this was one of the best rejections I’ve received. What do you say to that? I don’t know Spanish let alone Bhutanese; it’s a major oversight in my education. And, I thought I was specialized.


Rejection and failure happen on a regular basis, especially when you’re an idealist. Germans Romantics even coined a word for it: weltschmerz. They added the German words “world” + “pain” to get “worldpain”. According to Merriam-Webster online, there are two definitions:
1. mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state
2. a mood of sentimental sadness.

Of course, there’s a time and place for sentimental sadness when dealing with rejection as any teenager will demonstrate. I had a friend who had a three-day rule with a breakup that he learned from his grandmother. According to him, one is allotted three days of moping misery, and one must put her all into the grief because that’s all you get.

Apathy is definitely a popular option. Disengagement has a lot of different routes whether drugs or chosen ignorance or denial.

There are also really great platitudes to use as a mantras to beef up your will power: “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”– Confucius. There’s also work one can put into the front end of rejection and failure. It’s what my sister constantly reminds me to do: manage my expectations. She says I need to be realistic about myself and others. There is a place for cautious optimism emphasis on cautious. She reminds me that there are too many variables in any situation that I don’t know and have no control over.

However, when I opened my Bhutanese rejection, I laughed. Mirth. Yet another option. How ridiculous is this? I’m tired of getting “overqualified” as a reason for not getting a job. It is hard to argue with someone who says “life is pain” because they have a lot of evidence to settle his case. But, maybe I should start thinking in terms of “life is strange” because strangeness allows for room to be shocked and laugh.

Two weeks ago, I was miring in Weltschmerz. Lingering in it. My entire life was feeling like unjust punishment. A Wendell Berry line functioned as my lifeline out of the mental quicksand:
“…Laugh.

Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful

though you have considered all the facts.” (Manifesto: Mad Farmer Liberation Front)

The Bhutanese clause jolted me out of the week’s funk. It reminded me that my life is a comedy because we are guaranteed a happy ending. It reminded me that I’m owed nothing and know very little. It also gave me hope: if someone can find a job because of Bhutanese then there’s bound to be a job for me using my wacky, miscellaneous skills, experiences and education. Right? Granted, there aren’t refugees in need of Latin and Ancient Greek... unless the zombie movies are for real. Then, I could be the zombie whisperer.

I’m attending a class on the fruits of the Spirit. As coincidence would have it, this past Wednesday was on joy. Of course, there was a differentiation made between joy and happiness. It was also mentioned that the Spiritual fruits were more in line with character traits than with emotion. In the same way God is love and peace, we are to become love, peace, joy, gentleness and etc. It’s hard to wrap my head around joy as a character trait, but I know I’ve encountered people who have joy deeply woven into their soul. And, it’s different than happiness and luck and optimism. I’m thinking mostly of older people who have had rough lives; they earned the right to be bitter. But joy is who they are—it’s in line with gentleness, peace and self-control.

But, we have “to struggle for joy.” It brought me to the ubiquitous concept of dialectic in seminary. Joy is hard earned; it isn’t a default setting. Joy has stiff competition: anger, bitterness, and apathy. But, joy, like enjoyment in Ecclesiastes, is ultimately a gift. It is unattainable on our own striving. Ah, the alchemy of faith, obedience, and grace. Laughter, gratitude, hope, and kindness are all part of the arsenal that help us struggle towards joy—confidence in a big and good God… even after having considered all the facts.

*http://luc.devroye.org/bhutan.html (image address)

wisdom yoda has

*

Emotional mixed showers today was. Rain drizzled when my sister responded to me in a text: "You ca n't embarrass me" to a request I had made. I'd have been fine with a "no", but "embarrass" seemed a strong and unnecessary word choice. My brother told me that I'm being overly sensitive, and no doubt that's an aspect of it. I found this article "On Taking It Personally" about an hour later and applied it to my situation. Ergo, clearly, I'm a writer (thanks, Poor Logic). Rain cleared.

I met a teaching buddy for dinner tonight. It was good to chat (there are three teachers I really miss). And chat we did: religion, politics, and money because neither of us is couth. Of course, I got around to my "business plan", which everybody gets to eventually hear about if they get into a conversation with me. I told him the name, the idea, the niche. I don't think he was overly impressed; he seemed to think it was good stop gap, which wasn't what I wanted to hear. But, that's why I like him. Finally he gave me his advice in the form of a Yoda quotation: "Do or do not... there is not try."






* http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-yoda-halloween-costume.html

muchness report

*
The Mad Hatter: [to Alice] "You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." This quotation and the connected theme made the new Alice movie far more interesting, and Johnny Depp made it more sinister. I digress.

But, "muchness" is a very real attribute. I think this new business adventure is reinvigorating my muchness. I'm excited and energized. I'm researching, writing, planning, analyzing... all stuff I LOVE to do! And, it may pay off! I want to become a Slasher: tutor/personaltrainer/writer/entrepreneur/consultant. Boom.

I spoke with a good friend last night. He told me that I sounded the best that I have in a long while. He also said that there were no guarantees of success, but that didn't mean the idea isn't worth pursuing. He pointed out that I'd learn and grow and that I couldn't get more broke. And at worship, our pastor prayed that God would take away our fear and shame, and I realized that I need to pray for that every day-- to pray for my muchness.

I found some cheesy quotations that are deeply flawed, but I like them nonetheless. I'm tired of being risk adverse, and it's not helping me any. I think I'm trying to live a life that isn't mine. Maybe I can't get a job as a nanny or secretary or grocery store clerk because I'm supposed to be wrestling my way into entrepreneurship-- where nothing's safe or guaranteed and I'll always be very aware of that. I'll have to pray and trust God. Yikes.

Muchness is scary! It's overwhelming to feel the possible impact you can have as a human. Imago Dei: to feel the weight, grandeur, and humility of our humanness. It would fill me with ineffable gratitude, and I'd, consequently, be annoyingly positive. And, I am excited. It is an adventure that I can take. I don't have little kids or a mortgage. I don't have a job I could lose. I'm very free and have very little to lose. I don't even own a bed.

Therefore, friends, go be muchier--free of fear and shame!


Cheesy Quotations to Rouse One to Adventure NOW:

The future you see is the future you get. ~Robert G Allen

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. ~Maya Angelou

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. ~Zig Ziglar

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou

Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take risks, don’t wait! ~Misty Gibbs


*http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014759/

lesson

I went to a church meeting about a major decision. I was expecting to figure out what was going on-- what ideas were at stake. I'm less clear about what happened and the conflict. But, that was the point of the meeting: it's not about being factual and correct. It's about unity, love and being under authority. An attorney on the committee said to think about the situation in terms of interpretation rather than choice. Our pastor said that we needed to withhold judgment and wait and see because there was a lot of information and misinformation. We also needed to trust that the Spirit was at work.

I learned a lot listening to the lecture and conversation. It made me respect these people even more. I didn't figure out what I wanted to, and that's okay. In fact, not getting what you want can be a very good thing. There's life application in this.

relief!

Thursday I finished and faxed my appeal. I faxed it again on Friday just for good measure. My brother took the copy over to the business. My cousin told me to wrap my head around the fact that my winning was a total crap shoot. But, I think the odds are slightly in my favor because of economy and political party in power. I hope I'm right. I really, really hope. It ultimately comes down to who is the referee and God.

I taught my long awaited Advent seminar this morning to six people two of whom I'm related. I had a technology scare this morning: I connected my computer to the projector, and the screen didn't project. Then, about fifteen minutes later it did. Plus an IT guy came. God had it covered. But, it was an ideal start because we could fit around a table and talk, which is what I envisioned. People talked... a little too much. I went in concerned about getting people engaged. The people who came were ready to talk. The problem was I got through about half of my material. We missed some really good stuff. My uncle and brother gave me good feedback; they're probably the most honest. My brother told me that I brought my A game, but I need to work on speaking more fluidly. He said I made little noises (hmm, okay) that detracted from the presentation. He's probably right because I hadn't fully thought out what I was going to say. I made some bullet points. Plus, I was monitoring other people to see how they were doing. Teaching has definitely helped me with facilitating a group. I just called on people to read or respond. A lady pointed out the irony of the words of "o come, o come Emmanuel": we're saying "come" to God-with-us. I wanted a unhurried, meditative pace, and I got it. I might need to speed it up next time. It was a positive experience.

I'm feeling paranoid about church now because this lady I barely know told me while smiling and nodding her head, "Now, I know how you really are." I dodged her question with a vague answer the previous week; it was the kind of thing my grandmother would say. I said something like: "I'll think about it" instead of a flat no. I'm trying to adjust to being in the South. So, I wonder if she gossiped with other ladies.

And, I told my roommate (who goes to the church) that I'd keep her dog for the month of December if she paid me $10/day-- the going rate is at least $25. I thought she'd be pleased. She told me,"You're being outrageous! I'll take the dog to Florida." Then told me how ungrateful I was; um, I pay rent. Rent must not count as gratitude. So I am glad I asked in order to stand up for myself, but I think it definitely put a rift in our relationship because she demonstrated an attitude that's come out before of my owing her something. I promised to keep her dog in September for her trip to Switzerland and in January for her trip to Honduras; I didn't promise to dog sit for month-long periods for free whenever she decides. I miss the dog more... at least so far. I promised myself a new place by May 1st; it may be sooner because there's a weird, unhealthy dynamic. (Seriously?!? This is pathetic, but it took up a lot of head and heart space this week.)

Good news: a weekly tutoring gig is in the works, and it hopefully starts tomorrow. And, a lady contacted me about nannying. I need to find out more, but there's potential. It looks like I may be able to teach in Anchorage just on my Praxis scores; I need to call. I'm back in touch with an old friend in town, which has been really nice. I exercised every day except Thursday; I think joining the gym is going to improve morale. Huzzah!

harrowing but successful day

Lost in the Cosmos. Itchy scratchy with energy to do something worthwhile and amazing. It's frustrating and exciting. It happens to me even when I'm engaged in a job. Restlessness. The complete inability to say, "This is it, and it's enough." It' good to realize this on the outside of a job or marriage or parenthood in order to realize it's internal friction... and it's not all bad. It just needs to be channelled.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5 (The Message)

This said, today was filled with effective busyness. I finished and faxed my appeal. I'm further along on my Advent class that happens Saturday. And, I'm more and more aware of how much I lucked out in the mom department. I got top of the line. This holds true for my entire nuclear family and a lot of the extended. I can used "blessed" in this category and feel overly cheesy. This diatribe is sponsored by the 2.5 hours my mom worked with me editing and honing the appeal. She's really smart and educated plus she's really into acting out her love. One time, Mom did something pretty amazing, way over the expected. I thanked her sheepishly and told her she didn't have to do it. She said, "I tell you 'I love you', but the words would ring hollow if I didn't back it up with action." Or something along those lines. It's pretty solid.

perseverance: memorizing poetry

I've been creating a new list of heroes through this desert stroll. No famous, pretty, rich or snotty people, but there are a few successful ones. My friend J is on the list. He's waited for 2.5 years to find a pastor job; he wasn't sitting in a basement twiddling his thumbs. He did all this really cool stuff: wrote a book, started an chaplaincy for elderly in a nursing home, began a fitness regime all while being rejected and dealing with a bureaucratic denomination. When I told him he was my hero in all of this, he laughed it off. But, he always offers extremely kind and useful tips (advice) always in the context of a personal anecdote. For instance, he told me he'd adopted Psalm 51:10-12 as his morning prayer. And, I have too. I've added it to my repertoire of Psalm 70:1.

My friend J who has been through an amazingly brutal marriage and divorce being judged by most of her friends because she refused to disclose why they were getting the divorce to prevent her ex-husband being shamed. She's very beautiful but that's not the beauty she cares about. One time J's daughter told her how pretty her preschool teacher was. And J asked, "Why is she so pretty?" Her daughter said, "Because she loves me. She's pretty on the inside... and her shoes."

This is a good time to be meditating on this new hero list because my fifteen high school reunion is fast approaching, and I was deciding whether or not to go being as I am unemployed, single and childless (at least I'm not fat). A veritable failure in the eyes of my 17 year-old self. But I'm realizing I'm developing a new set of standards of evaluating success. Can I go hang out with people that make lots more money, lead glamorous lives, have good-looking, successful husbands and adorable kids and be myself... and have a good time? I will impress myself. God is at work in me after all.

My sister was reporting how successful her prayer life has been recently. So, of course, I told her that she needed to put it to use on my job search. She paused and then told me that she was praying for me to find peace. She said my restlessness was the root of the problem; unemployment a symptom. Yes, she's the shallow one with the MBA. But, it reminded me of a discussion I had with Mandy about paths of sanctification. We're all getting transformed via different routes. Marriage and singleness are different burdens. Being born in the US or Burundi is a different burden. But we're not alone. That's why I like about J's Ps 51 prayer. Implicit is our helplessness and God's grace and love:

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Restore a steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not from your presence
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Renew the joy of your salvation within me.
Uphold me with a willing spirit.

bummer

The interview. Yeah... about that. I need to psyche myself up for things, especially if I'm not that excited about them. I got dressed up, which I thought would do the trick. But, I needed more than my thrift store finds to get me through this interview. Plus, there was a huge gap in the amount of work and responsibility and the pay. I'm basically supposed to start a business from scratch working 20 hours a week making $14 an hour with no benefits. What's in it for me? There was no teaching. I did not have a good attitude. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't Pollyanna. I didn't ooze enthusiasm.

The important part of my day was interior. I think Holy Spirit day hit me this afternoon. I really had some insights into my heart and life that were sobering yet encouraging. It happened while I read the last chapters of Cliff Williams' Singleness of Heart.

linked in

I looked up a ton of people I know on Linked In today. It'll bring my numbers to over 100. It felt like I was doing something somewhat useful, but maybe I was just playing around on the internet, which I feel like I do on a regular basis. I'm lacking focus these days. I need to schedule my days more thoroughly so that I end up accomplishing what I intend to not something random.

It's not as if I watch TV during the day, but I end up getting side tracked, which is frustrating. I need more architecture to my day. I get up by 8am, but maybe I should make that seven because I am a morning person. And, I get interrupted a lot. That's my other excuse. I'm technically a victim here.

I talked to a lady at the Employment Commission, and her advice was "be patient" because it will take them 6-8 weeks to process my appeal. Nice. And, I followed up with two other leads. First one, I heard nothing after a phone call and email. Second one, I found out 34 people are applying to the job I was sure was a shoe-in. Feeling a little overwhelmed and perplexed. Sending out CVs and applications feels like I'm hurling a pebble off a cliff-- absolutely no feedback to where or when it hits.

Waiting is so hard. I guess that's why I'm being so drawn to Advent right now. So much of the Christian life is spent in waiting... and ordinary time. One must learn how to be comfortable with silence and the unknown-- I'm a puny human. It's completely mystery to think that Jesus willingly became so limited and vulnerable. I guess, he of all people/gods knew what capable hands he would be in.

It's a time for reassessment and growth if I don't completely lose my moorings. As scared as I am, I think I still feel better than feeling trapped in a job I hate. We'll take the temperature on that a couple of months from now. The biggest thing I'm losing out on is going to my friend's wedding in India, which is sad. But, I may not have been able to go if I had job either.

craig's list is sketchy

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

5 books and nothing

So as I continue to hunt jobs to no avail, I need income. People aren't interested in my teaching services, so I had to think about what I have that somebody else might find valuable. Books. More precisely, some of my books. I went through my books and chose ones that I could part with and checked if they have any value on Amazon. A lot of them had no value, but some of them were worth over $50.

On Wednesday, I sold five books! I got really excited because one was a text book at $45, which made all the 4-5 buck books feel more worthwhile. I think I could definitely get into selling books, but I'm not sure it's the equivalent to a job. It's more in line with a hobby. I love to buy (and read) books. So, I've made arrangements to get my books out of storage and see if how many of them I would want to and could sell.

Today and yesterday have been rough. I'm realizing I don't have a really close friend and Charlotte with whom I could share. The last time I talked with someone about being unemployed, she asked me for a loan within two weeks of the conversation. It felt wrong on so many levels.

People are great at giving out vague encouragement and giving me ideas for jobs. I'm not substituting because that is hell on earth-- maybe for $1000/day. But, that's not the going rate. And, people talk about adjunct positions. I really need to know somebody at the schools. It's disheartening to apply to a job for several hours and not even get a response.

There's a part of me that really wants to start a business, which the posting-books-on-Amazon thing has really tapped into. My sister the marketer told me that I'm right on trend with selling my stuff; she even sent me an article. I've been thinking of different ideas. I like books, clothes, teaching and Christian spirituality. I'd really like to get some kind of online co-op/rental local thing going. I'm thinking with fancy clothes, juicers, tents, etc. People could list them and other people could rent them. Somewhere between Craig's List and Zilok and retalicand even Etsy and blog on 30 plus online clothing rental. Or, a clearing house for teachers who want to tutor and parents who need tutors. I would charge a small fee to the teachers, but it would allow them to make a lot more money (probably twice) than working for a tutoring company. So, I need to research all the different businesses and see the feasibility for me and this area. I need to look at structures and business models and figure out possible problems, the proper audience, marketing, fundraising, etc. My sister is good to remind me to use the down/hard times for tough reflection and motivation.

And, I've made two more resolutions on becoming self sufficient and simplifying. One, I want to buy no more than 3 new pieces of clothing for a year. I started in September; I'm already a month into this resolution. I can shop at second-hand stores or swap clothes. So, I'm excited about this proposition. Two, I'm going to stop dating for a while-- at least a month but maybe until the New Year. We shall see. I need to focus on my professional status and identity. I need just straight up friends to offer laughter, fun and a reality outside this little bubble of trouble in order to keep me grounded.

bible study

I've been waffling about my bible study but no more. The women are absolutely darling. I know that sounds fake and sentimental, but I promise I'm being neither. The women are very much themselves. This means I have a lot in common with a couple and with others next to nothing. My "least Southern Southerner" aspect comes out, especially when dealing with theology.

We discussed Hagar, Ishmael, and circumcision, which made for very interesting conversation. The Bible is incredibly odd and interesting. I feel the most skeptical in the group-- I have to say "Hold up-- that's more than a little weird." What really threw me this study is when Yahweh comforts Hagar by telling her she'll have numerous descendants and her son will be a wild donkey of a man who will constantly fight with others. She replies that Yahweh sees her. The whole interaction seems disjointed and not very believable. I need to read some commentary to make sense of it. Usually I can follow where the people are coming from, especially when they make bad decisions that make you cringe. Yep, I can identify with that. What mom would be excited to be told her son would be a wild donkey of a man?

But, I'm reading through the Pentateuch right now and I'm overwhelmed with God's choice. He's amazing, gracious, personal, truthful, powerful, humble. He's present in Abram's and Sarai's history. He knows them and loves them. The Bible doesn't seem to gloss over the characters' flaws. I love Sarai laughs when Yahweh says she'll have a son... and then she denies it. Abram believes Yahweh about having a son, but then ask for clarification about the land ("So God, what I'm hearing is...). Yahweh seems painfully plainspoken in several conversations. Your offspring will be refugees and slaves and badly treated for 400 years, but the nation will be punished and they'll come out with bounty. Yahweh also seems very specific: the land specs, Sarah will have the baby within the year. Then, it seems like there are parts when he's vague and then later on clarifies.

This Bible Study is a lot like my running club. Reading my bible and running are different activities when alone and when in community. Community is both harder and more fun. There's less room for self-deception surrounded by others. I need these women and this study in order to grow more holy in the same way I need the running club people to grow faster. P.S. Last night's track workout kicked my butt and I did the fat-kid version pyramid (3miles) while most of the real runners did a 4 mile version.

Goals for 2011

At first I titled it "2011 Goals", then I realized that even the most hearty of readers would be turned off by that, and I'd have to accomplish about five goals a day for a year. I'd be exhausted. The goals are for me, but I'm blogging them as a form of accountability. I'll probably revisit this post at my birthday and other junctures. Pointers and encouragement are welcome.

My goals are categorized:

Health:
1. To run a race a month or a total of 12 races for the year. The race must be a minimum of a 10k to count.
2. To join a running club or run with a group at least once a week.
3. No fast food.
4. Mostly vegetarian but with a focus on clean eating-- local and not processed. I'm more interested in reducing sweeteners than I am in meat.
5. No soda and reduced caffeine.

Vocation:
1. Find a job for next September-- be open to opportunities beyond my search.
2. Be intelligent, active and faithful in my job search. Consider it work-- set mini goals (like applying to certain schools by certain dates).
3. Refrain from being negative at my present job-- consider all my frustrations to be incentive for finding a new job.
4. Write 15 blog posts a month. Come up with a more organized, categorized formula for the posts.
5. Write the book I've been thinking about (work on it for a minimum of 5 hours a week and produce a minimum of 250 double spaced, 12 font pages).

Summer:
A. Volunteer in some cool local and journal
or
B. Work and save money while training for some cool race.

Faith:
1. Attend Sunday worship weekly.
2. Be a member of a Bible study or Community group and attend weekly.
3. Have a set daily quiet time-- try for two (a main and a mini).
4. Practice Lent.
5. Read a theology book at least once a month-- and blog about it.
6. Listen.

Financial:
1. Write a budget down.
2. Use cash.
3. Live in the black (spend less than I make)
4. Find additional income (tutoring, second job: bookstore, Starbucks, REI, etc)
5. Cook. Eat out at most twice a week (once at EarthFare).
6. Come up with alternative ways to hang out with friends and meet people that don't cost money.
7. Not buy new clothes.

Intellectual:
1. Read 40 books this year.
2. Write.
3. Listen.

Happiness:
1. Catch up with at least one long distance friend a week via phone, snail mail or email. This vacation reminded me how formative and nurturing friends are.

Essentially, I want to live with more intention. I want to be less hurried and not procrastinate.

long lost love

I found you! Ha. I broke down and bought a computer today so I can blog.

Confession/Narrative Tale of how I came to own a brand new 13" MacBook
I bought my other computer refurbished in September 2005. I've been in denial of its deathlike condition for over a year-- I could never call in computer hospice because it could perform some of its functions sometimes. And, I hate how Mr. The Man designs technology to be obsolete in three years. It's amoral, and I feel icky being involved in the system. But, here I am.

My sister makes fun of my Mac addiction to my face: "It doesn't make you cooler." I know. How could I possibly get cooler? I'm already at the pinnacle (comment on that). So not to be a Steve Job drone, I tried a Dell for about a week last April. But, I couldn't do it. I just didn't like it. Then, I traveled all summer. Then, I nestled back into my work routine and got busy sans computer.

One day, I looked at my blog. It'd been two months since my last entry! It'd be one thing if I'd given birth and breast-feeding every two hours. Lactation and motherhood are decent excuses. A broken computer is not. A broken computer is easy enough to remedy if I'm willing to go on a financial fast, which I just signed onto.

I've missed blogging-- the discipline of sitting down on a regular basis to put together some paragraphs together. I don't write genius, but it is the quotidian that makes up the majority of life. Writing sorts out my messy thoughts and feelings. It reminds me of the shape and Author of my life.

So, I'm back in the saddle.