the 8 mile race that was actually nine miles

Last Thursday I went to pick up my race packet at the running store. I asked the lady at the counter, "May I get my race packet?" She replied, "Which race?"
I answered, "The eight mile."
She raised her eyebrow, "The nine-mile race?"
"Sure, the nine-mile race."

This misunderstanding foreshadowed the entire course of the race. Ye gods, I even got lost going to the site... and it's on my way to work! I went the wrong direction on 485. It was very cold, which was fine. We all know the weather is no one's pet monkey. However, what was not fine is that I didn't wear enough clothes. The bagels and the cookies they that were out at the end of the race were crunchy... it was that cold. But my fellow racers were chipper and encouraging, which was much needed. The best part of the race: the sweatshirt!


Despite the adverse conditions, Saturday reminded me I do like trail running-- it's a lot of fun! Even if I completely suck at it! I always in a Lord of the Rings kind of a mood. I kind of expect to happen upon a hobbit or some other woodling creature. I bought a parking pass so that I can come back and practice.

After the race I went to my cousin's basketball game which she played the last period in which she told off a player on the other team. I was proud of her because the ref wasn't calling the foul. She wasn't rude but very straight forward. She's got some spunk in her. Then my uncle and I went to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We also were complete goobers and tried all the samples at Dean & Deluca then proceeded to go out and get burgers.

Later I filled out a survey that a Regent friend sent out about singles and church. It stirred up a lot of emotion that I normally avoid. Church and Christian circles are definitely the hardest places to be single. I'm not self-conscious at work or around my high school or college friends. But, around Christians, singleness feels like affliction. She's writing several articles at her blog: The Purse. She might even use some of my experiences but she'll cloak them with a pseudonym. But I think the frankness I treated her questions took a toll on me.

This afternoon I went to lunch with four people after church. It was both lovely and awkward. Small talk isn't my strong suit. Large talk, silly talk, and self talk are my specialties. I came home exhausted and thoroughly disheartened (I can't pinpoint why). I burrowed in my bed to no avail. Finally I got up and started writing my cover letter for a teaching position I'd really enjoy. I'm getting ready to cook my sister's vegan recipe for sweet potato and barley chili, spaghetti sauce and eggs and sausage. I'm gearing up for the week. The icky emotions are dissipating with the application of the good ol' Protestant work ethic. Busy does function as anesthesia.

Recently I've been engaging in activities that are excellent lessons in self-knowledge: the running, church, bible study, teaching. I'm getting schooled in my emotional, psychological and moral weaknesses. Before Randy's sermon on Sodom and Gomorrah this morning, he said the point of the this story and sermon was to highlight the profundity and necessity of the cross-- to combat what Bonhoeffer called cheap grace and Willard renamed costly faithlessness. My practical atheism is definitely under attack.

character vs. fate

I've been particularly inspired with my teaching as of late. I'm figuring out new ways to present ideas. For instance, I've been using images to teach vocabulary... and it works. All I have to say is "big eggplant shakes his finger at little eggplant" and my kids will say "admonish". And, I made 100-point font versions of the words and cut them out and color coded them for my kinesthetic (sp?) learners-- and they loved it. I've added this to the already popular "vocabulary charades"-- the kids ask to play it. I'm keen to see their test scores after this approach. When I do this kind of lesson, it's how I'd imagined teaching would be.

Today I decided to do visuals for my conflict presentation/ power point. I enjoyed it: the kids brought up interesting examples. And, it wasn't until I was drinking Pepsi and reading Mocking Bird at Ikea did one of my questions for my students hit me: "What are the types of conflict are in your life?" And, I realized so much of my angst is character vs. fate and character vs. self (i.e. internal). I rail against my life-- it's so not what I had in mind. And sometimes the dissonance between what I want and I what I have is suffocating. And, I don't know how to get to where I want... and sometimes I can't even name what I am pining after.

For instance, I'm Southern: I was born in the South to to Southerners. It doesn't get much more southern than that (each side is at least 4 generations back). Yet, as a friend observed, "You're the least southern Southerner I've ever met. I know transplants that are more southern than you." Then, last night I lifted my funk about (what feels like) my perpetual singleness by looking at pictures from various trips. It was a good reminder of some of the amazingness I've experienced that a lot of people will never experience. It eased the pain of not getting to experience a relationship. Travelling in Japan, Galapogos, Greece, Macchu Pichu isn't the same as having kids, but neither will they mutate into teenagers.

I think I need to come up with a schedule so that I stay busy with stuff that heads me in the direction that I want to go. Like tonight I should have studied and read instead of shopping without buying anything. I guess it was good encouragement to run since the pants were not a desirable fit and I didn't waste any money. But, otherwise, it was a waste of time. But, I need to focus on the positive.

computer hospice

My five year-old computer is shuddering through her last breaths. So, sorry for the absence of posts. Plus, the janitor was locking up the school at 4:30 instead of 5:30-- so there went another opportunity.

But, the weather is gorgeous. It's in the best and most fleeting part of spring. It's that two-three week window of flowers and the lively, new green and perfect temperature. It's glorious to walk outside-- everything around you is magical. It's like being in a fairytale. Finding a little fairy perched on a toadstool wouldn't feel that uncanny right now. Or a little gnome digging in the dirt.

Yesterday, the 7th grade went to Old Salem in Winston-Salem, NC. It was a fantastic field trip-- my only regret was that we didn't stay longer. I was in charge of 9 students who behaved beautifully. I took all the brats because I wasn't going to dump them on the parent volunteers. So, I was dreading it a little. But, the kids were fascinated with all the tours and guns and ideas. I bought them hot cross buns and we chatted about Easter symbolism and moravian baking. I think it helped that I thouroughly enjoyed myself-- it's a good reminder. Kids are like horses; they smell emotion.

Then last night after attending to business (faxing and mailing applications), I went to my new favorite restaurant and had a portabello sandwich and went to a GK Chesterton lecture. The lecture was phenomenal. A professor dressed up as GK Chesterton and gave the lecture from his perspective. It was delightful and thought-provoking. Chesterton was such a witty guy that it was a brilliant idea. Then, this morning after pilates, my book club discussed his Orthodoxy-- how providential was that?

One more week of Lent to go! I'm ready for some meat and bread. I've lost about ten pounds and feeling really good. It's been a really good experience and reminder.

After much angst, I've decided to attend one of the thirty singles sunday school class. For some reason, this has been a really tough decision. Clearly, it represents a lot of unresolved issues in my psyche and heart. It feels like admitting defeat-- a lot like resignation. Plus, I get fairly annoyed in these kinds of set ups; a down side of studying theology. But, clearly, I need something if I went through so much angst. I'm just so completely opposed to categorizing.

I'm applying to some jobs and programs. I hate waiting.

letdown

I was so sure we were going to get a snow day... or at least a two-hour delay. Nothing. I was miffed this morning (and still am a little... can you tell?) But, I got an excellent workout out of my self-generated hype as I mentioned before.

The Chief has been sick, and I've been cranky with her. It's just that all her drama and loud breathing are getting to me. And, she sends me out multiple times to get a single item. I told her last night before I went on a hamburger mission-- Is there anything else? Then I listed about twenty things I thought she might want or need. She wanted rainbow sherbert to soothe her throat. So, I saved myself an extra trip.

I'm going to skip my writing class because I think I'm coming down with what the Chief has. Dayquil can only stave it off for so long.

My students were far better behaved today. I can't pinpoint what was different: it has to be a mixture of them and me. But, I didn't argue-- instead, I was a broken record, which is far more effective with this age group.

As for the Daniel Fast, 2 of 6 weeks have been completed. I've lost 8.2 lbs. I'm praying more regularly-- I've set aside ten minutes of my commute each way, and inevitably I pray more or get side tracked. And, I'm more in tune/aware of my physical, mental and spiritual goings on. It's not as if I've stopped sinning or become holy, but it's as if I can see sin for what it is. How I'm eating is affecting how I'm sleeping, my running, my energy level (all for the better). I'm feeling how integrated my body is. Although I had a really emotionally rough night last night-- overall, life feels more manageable. Perhaps, it's because of the discipline being applied in one area.
Anyway, I'm a big fan of this fast.

snow 1.5 hours?

Forget a snow day. Our school system let out one hour forty minutes early. Okay, whatever. Class was kind of pointless for the most part-- the kids were all high on snow... and getting out of school. So, I left school at 2:35, went to the Y, ran 6.5 miles on a treadmill, then aced a piyo class. It was my best yoga class ever because I was warmed up after just having run an hour. Of course, everybody looked cute and all yoga chic, and I was wet with sweat in my old running gear.

I really want a snow day tomorrow. So, I'm at the library checking out KL Going's Saint Iggy and the 2010 Newberry Winner When you reach me by stead. Snow day. The sky has been dropping these huge, luscious snow flakes. However, said snowflakes melt as soon as they touch the ground. I hope it gets cold tonight.

what do it matter?

Work was rough, r-u-f-f, today. I considered screaming (and probably did raise my voice) during some more ridiculous meetings. And, the seventh graders were being, well, seventh graders. I commanded, "Get back to your seat!" And the response was, "But, I was only a couple of steps away from it." (It's in line with my favorite: "I wasn't talking-- I was asking a question!") And, I put grades into the system for over an hour. Why am I teacher?

But, several of my boys got really into Anne McCaffrey's "Smallest Dragonboy" as did I. It's a really good story and it's part of a trilogy. So, two of them went to the library to get copies. That's rewarding.

And, I had a lovely run. It was about 3.5 miles and on the slowish side. But, very relaxing and the temperature was not too hot and not too cold.

Plus, I got my first tangible reward (besides comments) from this stinking blog. A book... how apropos. The publishers sent me "What Do It Matter?" by the guys who wrote "Same Kind of Different As Me". I'm looking forward to reading it after my weird little sci-fi.

I still haven't written my article for my class tomorrow. And, I don't want to, and I'm tempted to drop out of the class. But, I spent over one hundred dollars on it. So, I might as well go even if I don't have my homework. It's supposed to be fun not to stress me out. And, Career Day's the following day and I need to prep for myself and two other guys plus look nice.

I still haven't applied to any new jobs. It's hard not having internet access on my personal computer. (I'm at the library now.) And, reading the article in the Atlantic about the job landscape wasn't exactly encouraging. And, is teaching even a good fit? Or, will I find any job incredibly stressful being a stressball and all?

Writing all this down puts into rather harsh (and hilarious) perspective. Ah, running and writing and reading-- God's gifts to my curmudgeonly (sp?) soul. Lent isn't feeling overly spiritual, but I am praying more. And, I'm realizing what a stress eater I am. Yowsers, a couple of times this week, I'd gladly demolished a coke and a candy bar and had to settle for raw almonds or a cup of pineapple.

even distribution

Whenever there's a discussion about class makeup, the administration says it's random. However, the fact that two of our kids in the past two weeks have been charged with criminal activity, one attempted suicide and our scores at the beginning of the year were 20 points below the school average leads me to believe otherwise. Clearly, my team has been dumped on; and there are days that if I get any teaching done, I'm lucky. I try not to get upset, but look at it as both a mission ground and incentive to apply to other schools and school systems.

clowns 1,000 joy 0

I'd be more prepared to meet a clown if I were at a circus, and they were dressed up. But, I always meet them when my guard is down, and I'm not emotionally prepared for the clownage. For instance, today, when I went to register for my Lateral Entry classes at the local schmocal college. The lady told me I didn't have the prerequisite. I told her I found that I found that hard to believe since I have a BA and a MA. She told me that they didn't have my transcipts in my folder. I responded I brought them to the college in August for the class I'm enrolled in now, and although I couldn't account for where they were that I could verify I brought them. Then she told me she had no way of knowing if I'd attended the schools. I explained that I couldn't teach if I didn't have the degrees I was saying I had (and consequently wouldn't be involved in this conversation)-- they're prerequisites for my job. Call the school system for which I work. She told me to calm down while pointing her finger at me. I thanked her for making my decision easier.

So, I'm looking for a different school, which I needed to do all along. I just landed in this one because it's the closest and least expensive (well, money wise). It wasn't the height of my emotional maturity, but all my emotional maturity had already been spent on 7th grade drama.

I just made a date to run an ultra marathon with my cousin when he gets back from Iraq and I complete my certification. There's light at the end of the tunnel for both of us. At least he gets weapons. And, he offered for me to drive his car while he's away. I love my family-- there some of the few people that are insane enough to get me.

And, I'm going sailing on Saturday!! The forecast if for the mid 60s and partly cloudy. I saw R before school, and he asked if I wanted to crew. I responded, "Of course." It's going to be a 4 man crew. Being on the water mellows me-- the size of the lake (or ocean) helps put things in perspective. Furthermore, it's a reminder of how little control we have over anything really. And, it gives me distance from all the ticky tack annoying crap that innundates my daily existence. It functions a lot like art-- it reminds of wonder and fun and beauty and adventure.

And, I made a date with my brother for the Sinatra night with the Charlotte Pops on Friday. It's going to be a swanky, good time. Where does one eat before a "Sinatra" concert.

Blood Meridian is phenomenal, and guys are a pain in the ass.

wired

Exhausted and overwhelmed. I have so much to do that I need to write a to-do list and break it down into manageable chunks. I'm very proud of my sister who swept the awards at her graduate program, but I'm also annoyed with her. I would love to curl up in a private hobbit hole to read, journal, sip herbal tea and eat toast with strawberry preserves for about three days so that I could build up the reserves to survive the next month. But, it's not going to happen. I must go back to the to-do list and write "purge all the abstract ideas that have hijacked my brain's function". I need to write lesson plans and take education courses rather than ponder the bigger question of "creative nonfiction and the merging of fact with imagination". I need to write out all my reactions to Biden's concept of "bending history"-- wtf! I need to run. I need to call multiple friends. I need to do laundry. I need to email numerous parents. All I want to do is read. Reading is a definite escape... my drug of choice.

Today's victory: I finally signed up to give to IJM on a monthly basis and got info on giving to the Pan-African Academy of Christian Surgeons since I'm no tithing to a church because I'm churchless.

ooze

I'm still sick, and I'm tired of being sick. And, I realized that a lot of my illness is stress related. My job has worn me down. A friend asked me what I do for fun, and there was a pause afterwards. This afternoon I was thinking about what I like about my job and my mind became a blank slate. I realized that I'm not going to be able to go to DC for Spring Break due to my job, and I started crying. Then, I pulled myself together and applied with a placement company. At least I'm doing something. I need to move somewhere where I can find community and a job that doesn't eat me alive.

And, I found a possible outlet for my writing. We shall see. This is a ray of light in the dismal landscape. I just wish I were decent at something lucrative.

And, I'm going to have to make exercise a priority for health reasons. I think that'll help with the stress. And, I have no idea how to inject fun into my weeks. (Quit my job?)

And, I need to cull things that aren't life-giving, being as I need no help suffocating. "No Exit" seems to be posted on my life right now, which proves that I have little to no faith in God.

jolt

Fridays are good. My tolerance is high because the end is within sight. My students behaved... well. My mentor and I are pooling our kids together for a poetry lesson a week. She taught Limericks and Irish Blessings. They read to each other in pairs. Then, they wrote one of each in pairs. I think they enjoyed the exercise. It's the quietest I'd seen the bunch. I was impressed. I'm going to teach Haikus and Tongue Twisters (alliteration) next week. I'm getting excited about putting the lesson together.

My kids were speculating about my social life. I told them I don't have one (that in teaching a gave up friends and family)-- that I live in a box. They asked my what kind of box. I said a small one because I'm poor. They asked what about your car. I said I have a garage box for it. They asked where the box was. I said it's none of their concern. But, this cheeky exchange came after some of them told me that my team teacher had been discussing aspects of my (very exciting) private life with them. This fact disturbed me. I need to compose my thoughts and meet with my principal to see how best to deal with it. I need to provide details and facts because they are far more sustainable than he said, she said garbage. It really bothers me that she was discussing me with the students; it's unprofessional and creepy. I fail to see how there could be a possible reason or positive motivation behind it.

Another memorable exchange was with my "classroom helper". He was talking about how much money teachers make. I looked at him increduously. He remained adamant. I explained to him in relative terms, my sister. I told him that my sister and I have the exact same education level from roughly equivalent institutions. I then said, "She makes three times what I make. I make one-third what she makes." But, it made me think about how poor he must be to think that a southern teacher's salary is good. Sheesh, I find it barely livable. That makes me spoiled, I guess.

Tonight went to an independent Italian restaurant-- I had a good time, lasagna and syrah. Then, I went out to another Med-American restaurant to meet a friend, have drinks and listen to live music. Come to find out, they USUALLY have live music on Fridays. Good to know, I'll call in advance next time. We ended up having a good time.

p.s.

I hate the stimulus plan because I think it's stupid. Creating jobs for how long? A job could consist of one week or five years-- and the jobs are estimated to cost 100k a piece. It's a stab in the dark with a lot of pork (dead pig--i.e., it's already been stabbed) rolling around. Repeat after me, "Inflation." This is just another reason to move to Canada. At least with their hairbrain policies, I could laugh and not feel disappointed. I could say, "Silly, silly Canucks!" Unfortunately with the US, I have to use the first person plural (we) whenever I reference the evil, ridiculous shenanigans WE pull. Kyrios Elieson: FOCA. Supreme Court (judicial prudence). To me, foreign policy is secondary to state-subsidized infanticide. Call me a crazy Republican. I should clarify: when I said I hope Obama is successful, I meant I hope he doesn't run the US into the ground. I'm proud that there is a black man in office; unfortunately, it's a black man who's a politician versus a statesman. Perhaps, integrity went out of fashion with our infatuation with postmodernity. Clearly, there's a philosophical difference, differing world views, between the parties that few people are willing to admit or address. Orthodox Christianity is so tacky. Go, emerging church. Tell people what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear.

tooth 19

Tooth 19 had a cavity; I got it filled at 2pm. My dentist kept talking about a hypothetical situation of a guy wearing my "festive shoes". The dental hygienist and I disturbed him by saying that without a doubt, somewhere in this world, there's a guy who wears silver metallic shoes with "jewels". When he was finished, he told me, "Don't bite your tongue." Thanks, man.

I was late because I lost track of time because I was enjoying my brunch with Marcia. It was so good to spend time with this lady. She's a role model of my high school's motto: function in disaster, finish in style, remain calm at the center of your being. She's so gracious and joyful and authentic; her faith is completely present and lived in. We chatted, chatted, chatted. She's an elixir. She buoyed my spirits. She patiently reminds me that there is more than one way to frame a situation. Perspective is key: God loves and wants what's best. Yay, friends. (And, I complain I have no kindred spirits in this neck of the woods.)

So, it's the New Year: time to evaluate, and take necessary actions. Under consideration: do I stay in my writing group? I'm leaning towards no (I can't see improvement in my writing-- if anything, it's deteriorating), but I enjoy the comraderie. I want to start a theological book club. I need to train for a race; do I get a personal trainer?

I need to find a job I like or find something redeemable in my job: it really looks as if I'm stuck in this death for another year (I just read Dylan Thomas wrote, "A job is death without dignity", which struck a cord: exactly). Things could be worse, I could be an amputee with this job.

Last week a friend asked me: How did your first semester go? I wrote: (It was) excruciating. She responded: I hope you mean painful, but a blessing to others. Her comment set my thoughts reeling.

I am learning a lot: I'm a dreadful communicator-- I just expect people to know my expectations. I'm also learning a lot about myself and people in general in dealing with my students. For instance, I use a more complex form of their "My pencil got lost" logic. But to answer her question, I do think I'm impacting some of my students. And, one of the custodians calls me the little sister he's always wanted. And, my observations are 90-95% positive. It's just that I feel lied to and taken advantage of (The whole writing assessment extra 130 hours of uncompensated work, the being told I'd get paid on my master's and that I'd have 21 students in a class, etc). I told D and M, "I use none of my strengths; it's to the point I question if I have any strengths."

And, do I start a dating campaign: a romance blitz. I'm not a Disney princess with a Prince Charming waiting in the wings. I really need to find a church. Maybe Lutheran; I've been so concentrated on Anglican that this high-church option slipped my mind.

with (lemon) zest

Today was a lemon-fresh downward spiral. All grade-level teachers trained for the writing assessment all day (and we still have more to go). It's fairly interesting-- lots of articles. Enough articles that there was conflicting data, which makes me happy. I'm the only person who noticed the conflict. I don't know if that shows that I'm the only one who read the articles or that I'm a natural contrarian. Either way, I was ready to gouge my eyes with a toothpick by the end of the session. I'd go into more detail but that would be whining.

What was this lemon fresh that you mentioned? Well, after getting some more craptastic news from the State in my box, I left school. I cried myself all the way home just like the olden days of August and September. I prayed some laments. I asked God for "just one thing to go right" or something like that. ( I pray it with some frequency, which is a different entry.) But after the annoying day topped with bad news, I got a call during dinner from a number I didn't recognize. They left a message, so I asked my companion if it were alright to check it. Turns out that it was lady I dogsit for, and she needs a dog sitter from Dec 26-Jan 4th. I'm very excited: the dogs are cute, the house is nice, the pay is good. It'll be like a paid getaway... with dogs. That's lemon fresh.

P.S. A friend hooked me up with the latest Tracy Chapman CD, which was today's soundtrack. It's witty and mellow.

yowsers

It's 5:30. I'm at school, and I have enough work to keep me here until 10pm at least. But, my mentor suggests that I leave by 6pm no matter what. Eleven hours at work is long enough.

I spent over an hour calling parents, and I reached fewer than half. My brilliant lessons and insights are getting replaced by discipline. I wish my classes were smaller. If my classes were half the size-- say 15 kids-- we could explore so much material and climb up the ladder of critical thinking. But, I'm busy hushing kids. I need to teach in private school.

I feel as if I am carrying out the tennets of classroom management. I assign seats. I have work for them to do-- not busy work, but legitimate work. I'm patrolling and moving around constantly. Yet, swear to God, there's tons of chatter... and some of the boys get up out of their seats and are in a different quadrant than assigned. I design group work because 7th graders are about as social as humans come. But, perhaps, that's a reason not to have them engage in group work.

I know pedagogy is learner-centered not teacher-centered. But, this model requires a degree of motivation from the students side. I hate it for my intelligent, hardworking students. I think I'm going to meet their needs by scheduling enrichment classes after school or during lunch. I'm not sacrificing the smart, motivated kids to placate the half-assed. On the whole, my kids are great, but I cannot manage 31 of them without some help. Hence, the phonecalls to parents. There are going to be some missed ballgames.

Ah, I need to rest this weekend-- and create a killer seating chart.