acceptance and enjoyment

I feel often I misconstrue openess and acceptance for resignation and failure. It's hard to enjoy something that you feel resigned to doing. And, and I've been fighting resignation is where I've been in my life recently. I feel if I relax into my job and life that it will somehow leech my spirit and future. But, I that's hogwash. As several of my friends point out on an annoyingly frequent nature, I'm in a season.

Today, as I walked down the eigth grade hall, I thought about how different it would look if I knew this was my last year being here. I'd find all the idiosyncracies quaint instead of annoying.

And, today I was really enjoying teaching poetry. It's fun. About half of each of my classes was getting into it too. I tried to bribe and/or ignore the other half. And, several of my students just came up and hugged me. L told me that my outfit was much better today, and that I shouldn't wear heels if I didn't like them. And, a student from last year came and hung out with me after school-- she told me how much I helped her. And, about eight kids stayed around to chat.

Now, I'm off to watch the soccer and baseball games. I have students playing in both. I just got finished helping the art teacher contour draw some of the sections of the mural. Today was a lovely day except for evil secretary yelling at me for something she screwed up. But, the good far outweighed the bad.

This is enjoyment and acceptance not resignation... I think. When I came back from helping with the mural, I had an email from a school I've sent an application. So, this may be my last year.

lessons

The weather is cooperating with my spring break. It's absolutely gorgeous, and I'm sunburned. I'm in Richmond, VA, staying with my sister. I've been doing a lot of running and walking in the historic parts. This morning I wandered around Hollywood Cemetary where three presidents and Jefferson Davis are burried. It's enjoyable to be outside just sitting or standing.

I got a Blackberry on Saturday because my brother broke his phone. There was a buy one get one free deal. Yep. I walked into that one. I can see why they're referred to as crackberries. It's hypnotic all the updates you get. And, I like word mole... a lot. My highest score thus far is 57 with "squirrel". And, I'm trying to find a free, easy to use budget application to use on my phone.

I am supposed to hear from the National Writing Project by the end of this week. I'm nervous and excited. I'm reminding myself that it'll be expensive and a pain in the butt-- so it's not all bad if I don't get accepted. But, it will be awesome.

I learned again how poor I am during a conversation with the CPA who does my taxes. Yowsers, I was going to buy a new laptop, a sewing machine, put an extra thousand towards my student loan and the rest in savings. I'm hilarious with a great imagination. I'll get a lesser version of the laptop I want if I getting into the summer institute and I'm looking for a used sewing machine.

So, I learned the difference between a "deduction" and a "credit" are from said CPA-- that's part of the problem. I thought the interest on student loans functioned as a credit-- nope, it's a deduction.

I really need another job. My position is changing a lot with the smaller budget. It'll take a lot of time but without any worthy gains. I don't want to do it.

I'm trying to introspect, but it's hard to unwind enough to get to the good stuff.

Waiting is a difficult task. It requires a lot of faith and hope in God's goodness and power... and observational skills. I'm concerned He's taking me in a different direction than I'm interested in going. This poverty thinking stinks. But, maintaining an eternal perspective in near impossible-- that's where the Bible and prayer come into play, I presume.

My sister has a lot of fantastic cook books. She's been calling me "the monk" as I copy her recipes ino my recipe book.

prep for spring break

It's surreal that we've made it to Spring Break. I just printed up my grades to sign and hand in to the secretary.

Now I'm off to a 30 minute abs class. I'm not sure my abs are up for 30 minutes of anything, esp. working. We'll see. It's my friends birthday and this is what she wanted to do.

And, I signed up for two 10ks. One is next Saturday-- it's a road race. One is May 22-- it's a trail run at the National Whitewater center. I think I'm ready for 10ks but not quite there for halfs.

Found some awesome vegan recipes. Citrus Basil Lentils.

Heading up to Richmond tomorrow.

computer hospice

My five year-old computer is shuddering through her last breaths. So, sorry for the absence of posts. Plus, the janitor was locking up the school at 4:30 instead of 5:30-- so there went another opportunity.

But, the weather is gorgeous. It's in the best and most fleeting part of spring. It's that two-three week window of flowers and the lively, new green and perfect temperature. It's glorious to walk outside-- everything around you is magical. It's like being in a fairytale. Finding a little fairy perched on a toadstool wouldn't feel that uncanny right now. Or a little gnome digging in the dirt.

Yesterday, the 7th grade went to Old Salem in Winston-Salem, NC. It was a fantastic field trip-- my only regret was that we didn't stay longer. I was in charge of 9 students who behaved beautifully. I took all the brats because I wasn't going to dump them on the parent volunteers. So, I was dreading it a little. But, the kids were fascinated with all the tours and guns and ideas. I bought them hot cross buns and we chatted about Easter symbolism and moravian baking. I think it helped that I thouroughly enjoyed myself-- it's a good reminder. Kids are like horses; they smell emotion.

Then last night after attending to business (faxing and mailing applications), I went to my new favorite restaurant and had a portabello sandwich and went to a GK Chesterton lecture. The lecture was phenomenal. A professor dressed up as GK Chesterton and gave the lecture from his perspective. It was delightful and thought-provoking. Chesterton was such a witty guy that it was a brilliant idea. Then, this morning after pilates, my book club discussed his Orthodoxy-- how providential was that?

One more week of Lent to go! I'm ready for some meat and bread. I've lost about ten pounds and feeling really good. It's been a really good experience and reminder.

After much angst, I've decided to attend one of the thirty singles sunday school class. For some reason, this has been a really tough decision. Clearly, it represents a lot of unresolved issues in my psyche and heart. It feels like admitting defeat-- a lot like resignation. Plus, I get fairly annoyed in these kinds of set ups; a down side of studying theology. But, clearly, I need something if I went through so much angst. I'm just so completely opposed to categorizing.

I'm applying to some jobs and programs. I hate waiting.

bronchitis

A bad bout of bronchitis is making me feel like death... and sound like it too. I went to the doctor and got meds. So, I should be on the mend. Apparently, my sicknesses are related to allergies... and everything is in bloom. It's glorious outside. Perfect.

The conference was inspiring. It reminded me there is a point to teaching... beyond the paperwork, annoying parents and lack of supplies.

I was at school one, whopping day this week. Yea, spring break... well conference and death by bronchitis.

I bought some really fun fabric today (I can see my sister rolling her eyes now). I am checking Consumer Reports on sewing machines.

weird day

I stayed out of school. I slept a lot, talked on the phone and watched The Gospel of John (the three hour version). I did put potting soil into some pots but no seeds. I did unload the rest of the dishwasher. Then, I was pooped. I'm waiting to feel normal. My aunt with a brain anuerism (sp?) reminded me how great normal is. I just wrote a really bizarre email to a school requesting an application. We'll see how that goes. And, I talked with a friend about his book proposal, which didn't feel like it went well. But, then, I get a text to stop what I'm working on because he's revamping it. So, maybe, it didn't go that badly. I'm headed home to the humidifier and nasal spray.

infected sinuses/sini/sinus

Yep. I'm sick. I have antibiotics to prove it. I felt like an idiot at the doctors-- I would have sworn I had strep throat. Good thing, I don't have money to place high stake bets. I've been feeling cruddy since Tuesday of last week. I left a half day to see a doctor today. I'm more relieved to find out what it is. As I drove to Charlotte, my strep throat was mutating into cancer. So, good to have professionals negate my imagination. I've deemed tomorrow a sick day too. Then, it's back to the proverbial grind.

Looking for work. Trying to be smart and methodical. Such things come hard for me. I found the article in The Atlantic both depressing and cathartic. But, I'm finding hope and encouragement in the Gospel of John, GK Chesterton's Orthodoxy and Books and Culture. God is at work... in the world, including my life. And, let's face it, there's lots of room for improvement. God, the sky's the limit.

Going home to sleep and heal.