what do it matter?

Work was rough, r-u-f-f, today. I considered screaming (and probably did raise my voice) during some more ridiculous meetings. And, the seventh graders were being, well, seventh graders. I commanded, "Get back to your seat!" And the response was, "But, I was only a couple of steps away from it." (It's in line with my favorite: "I wasn't talking-- I was asking a question!") And, I put grades into the system for over an hour. Why am I teacher?

But, several of my boys got really into Anne McCaffrey's "Smallest Dragonboy" as did I. It's a really good story and it's part of a trilogy. So, two of them went to the library to get copies. That's rewarding.

And, I had a lovely run. It was about 3.5 miles and on the slowish side. But, very relaxing and the temperature was not too hot and not too cold.

Plus, I got my first tangible reward (besides comments) from this stinking blog. A book... how apropos. The publishers sent me "What Do It Matter?" by the guys who wrote "Same Kind of Different As Me". I'm looking forward to reading it after my weird little sci-fi.

I still haven't written my article for my class tomorrow. And, I don't want to, and I'm tempted to drop out of the class. But, I spent over one hundred dollars on it. So, I might as well go even if I don't have my homework. It's supposed to be fun not to stress me out. And, Career Day's the following day and I need to prep for myself and two other guys plus look nice.

I still haven't applied to any new jobs. It's hard not having internet access on my personal computer. (I'm at the library now.) And, reading the article in the Atlantic about the job landscape wasn't exactly encouraging. And, is teaching even a good fit? Or, will I find any job incredibly stressful being a stressball and all?

Writing all this down puts into rather harsh (and hilarious) perspective. Ah, running and writing and reading-- God's gifts to my curmudgeonly (sp?) soul. Lent isn't feeling overly spiritual, but I am praying more. And, I'm realizing what a stress eater I am. Yowsers, a couple of times this week, I'd gladly demolished a coke and a candy bar and had to settle for raw almonds or a cup of pineapple.

weather report

It's a gloomy, wet, gray day-- perfect napping weather. I did yawn several times in my classes. And, I had TWO unexpected parent conferences-- we're talking about two hours of yakking about kids. One of them might prove worthwhile.

I had a beautiful, enjoyable, semi-productive weekend. I went for a run yesterday which was nice, but could tell that my caloric intake is down. And church was good although I find it irritating-- it's probably a reason I need to go. My church just makes me angry on several different levels. I have to pray myself through the services: exploration (what and why am I feeling this emotion) and confession (so often it's self-centeredness and pride and other types of my favorite sins).

The food aspect is going remarkably well. My appetite is definitely suppressed-- I'm eating when I'm not hungry to insure that my caloric intake is high enough. The Chief surmised that it's eliminating high corn fructose or whatever from my diet, which never lets you feel satiated. I feel better overall. But, the spiritual is still difficult. I'm praying more and reading my Bible. But, the journaling just isn't happening.

I found more schools to apply to. I'm going to do that and swim tonight.

day 4

It's the fourth day of Lent. No more headaches!! The Daniel Fast is going very well food-wise, but I'm struggling with the spiritual aspects: journaling, meditating, etc. This I hadn't expected. But, vegan isn't so bad. I'm not eating as much because a lot of my options no longer exist. And, I met my aunt for dinner last night at a place that had a vegan section of the menu. Sweet.

It was bizarre Friday afternoon knowing that I couldn't have a soda and candy bar as a reward to surviving my first day of centers. Same with looking at amazing desserts. Right now, it's not tempting to me. It's off limits. It feels like crushes that I had in school-- the boy was so unattainable it didn't really matter.

Today I did some yoga to relieve my aching neck and shoulders-- and it worked. Then, I went to bookclub to discuss Strout's Abide with Me, which two of the three of us weren't into. So, the discussion was good but just not about the book. But, I love chatting with the women. We decided on Chesterton's Orthodoxy for next month. Now, that's a book that excites me.

Then, K and I hiked Pinnacle Mtn. the shorter, steeper trail at Crowder's Mountain. It's in the 60s-- it was so lovely and crowded. Now, I need to go home and clean, write my feature article, organize my schedule for next week (study, work, class, apply to jobs, workout, plan food), laundry, eat. Then, I'll read or watch a movie!

lent confession

Yesterday my sister and I embarked on a rather ambitious Lent. We're doing the Daniel Fast for all of Lent. The Daniel Fast is basically a Vegan diet minus leavened bread, sugar and caffiene. I went home from school with a migraine yesterday afternoon and slept from 5-8pm then went back to bed from 10-6am. As inauspicious beginning as it might seem, I'm actually kind of excited. Whenever I've been on retreat sleep is a really big factor, especially at the beginning. So, although I slept through the Ash Wednesday service and haven't felt particularly soulful-- I'm still hopeful. This kind of thing is about faith afterall. I've picked the two areas of my life I'm praying into and about. I also know the people I'm praying for.

Now, I have a medium-sized headache. I'm introducing my centers tomorrow in class. It should be a little fun and crazy.

get-away

I went to Richmond this weekend. I took a sick day on Friday and scooted on up 85 and 95. I had a fantastic time with my sister! We had a very girlie, very foodie kind of a weekend. I felt very pampered. We're talking mani/pedi and facial, Valentine's Day the movie, Red's, Cafe Guttenberg, Millie's, Red Robbin and the gyro place. It was fun and relaxing. I'm tired but revived. I'm going to stay late at school tonight to work on my centers, which debut on Friday. I've got to get them organized.

And, my sister and I've have decided on a massive undertaking for Lent. We're going to do the Daniel Fast (vegan, no caffeine, no alcohol, no fried, no added sweeteners)for Lent, we're going to read two books of the Bible and journal. It's hard core, but it's really the only way. I've been getting less these couple of months both with food and reading my Bible. My body, heart and mind need to detox. Lent is a structured time with a great celebration at the end. What's not to like? I'm going to be in pain starting Wednesday. No caffiene.

I found two running clubs: one meets on M/W/F at 5:45am at the Country Club-- about a five minute jog from my house. And the other, meets Mondays at 7:15 and Thursdays at 6:30 pm at an elementary school. I'm a little concerned about the earliness, but it does appeal. And, I imagine the morning people are a little more hard core. Any opinions/insights?

I haven't heard anything from any jobs. We shall see.

President's Day

During homeroom last Thursday, we discussed what we were going to wear for Valentine's. Red is the right answer in case you were wondering... pink and purple not so much.

So, I quickly steered the conversation to President's Day. I asked them, "What President are you going to dress up as for President's Day?" I got a lot of Lincolns and Washingtons of course, but my favorite response was Benjamin Franklin. I told the kid, "Franklin wasn't a president." He looked at me indignantly and said, "He's on a hundred dollar bill." Which was fairly solid logic. But, we cleared up that misunderstanding.

faculty meeting

I loathe faculty meetings. I noticed that both my team members were absent as were the other 7th grade LA teachers. I felt abandoned... and stupid. Shocking, it was a colossal waste of time. But all was not in vain, there were two classic quotations from our erudite learning coach: 1) "the great autonomy of it all" and 2) "making connections with yourself".

honesty

When I went to pick up my class in the gym this morning, one of my students came up to me with three pips surrounding her. She says, "Hi, Ms. M. Not to be rude, but that is seriously the worst outfit you've worn all year." So, I've been a little self-conscious all day, but she did have a point. It's kind of out there.

even distribution

Whenever there's a discussion about class makeup, the administration says it's random. However, the fact that two of our kids in the past two weeks have been charged with criminal activity, one attempted suicide and our scores at the beginning of the year were 20 points below the school average leads me to believe otherwise. Clearly, my team has been dumped on; and there are days that if I get any teaching done, I'm lucky. I try not to get upset, but look at it as both a mission ground and incentive to apply to other schools and school systems.

the year of git 'er done (get her done)

I'm realizing a month and a half into 2010 that this is the year of rainmaking. I'm being very "pro-active"-- as opposed to "reactive". I've started multiple balls rolling. I envision myself keeping about 4 bowling lanes busy. It's hard work, but I'll get more strikes that way. I realize that in order to get the hotdog on my plate, I'm going to have to fork it and place it on the bun myself (it's a family story involving my brother and uncle). In honor of this insight, I've been sending out resumes and cover letters to schools I want to teach at in lieu of waiting to call me. I've been researching summer adventures, jobs, and schools. It takes a lot of faith and chutzpah because I hate rejection... and there is going to be a lot of impossible going on here. But, I feel I'm gaining a clearer vision of who I am and what I want to do. For instance, I'm taking the writing class, which I'm afraid is a bust, but I'm learning a lot about my hangups about writing and places I really need to grow. The class is helping me realize why my stuff isn't sellable as is. And, I tried a new church this morning instead of settling for the one I've been going to. And, I called a friend when I was feeling lonely, and we went for a lovely, long walk and chatted Calvin, Luther and theology. My life is still full of challenges, but I'm feeling less the victim with these crazy moves. Even with the diastrous romantic experiment of New Year's, I still learned a lot.

Also, the year of git 'er done has made me repeat and use my mom's mantra: "Sometimes, good enough is good enough." The centers aren't perfect, but, regardless, I'm starting them up in two weeks from Friday. I'm going to Richmond next weekend even though it's not a long weekend and I have a ton of work to do (and I'll have fun). I realize I spend way too much time waiting for the ideal, and it's simply not going to happen in this life.

a bust

I had my first drug bust as a teacher yesterday. One of my students, C, got back from a 10-day suspension on Wednesday after the snow days. He was well-rested and raring to go. He was fine on Wednesday; well, he didn't open a book in my class, but he didn't kick anyone or anything. But, come Thursday morning, the School Resource Officer (a police officer who works in the school, short SRO)caught me in the hall around 8:30 to tell me that he'd heard from several students that C had told him that he'd been bragging about bring Jack Daniels to school, but he'd hid it during intramurals on the way to the bathroom. (I didn't tell the officer that I was the one who'd given him permission to leave the gym.) The SRO just told me to be on the look out and to ease drop on conversations.

I came back to my room and C was at his locker waiting for the custodian to unlock it. Apparently, another kid had put his lock on C's locker. But, C lost interest and left his bookbag in my teammate's room. So, when he was off to his class, we decided to search his bookbag. Lo and behold, I found a little Axe bottle in one of the many side pockets. I opened and smelled it; it was whiskey all right.

We decided to take the bottle up to the SRO who smelled to confirm our suspicions. It wasn't cologne. We took it to the principals, and they took it from there. C got charged with illegal substances and a ten-day suspension. He's fast-tracked to the bad kid school.

CD Review: Mat Kearney's City of Black and White

(This was my first assignment for my freelance journalism class.)

My sister Susan is on top of all things new in pop culture because she has to be. It’s her passion… and job. Especially when it comes to music. In the music, nee the coolness department, I used to be an embarrassment to her; then as we matured, I progressed from a project to a challenge, and am now an opportunity. According to her, the work involved in making me cool is the equivalent to a second job. And, for the most part, I’m a willing recipient of her efforts in my coolness makeover.

For the most part… But, even little sisters need some self-respect. So, I resisted her recommendation of Mat Kearney based on the song “Nothing Left to Lose”. I turned the station whenever that song played because of its annoying chorus that reminded me of a preschool rhyme in how it extended the end of each line with an “ee-ee-ee”, demonstrating a serious error in judgment and taste.

However being the wily, persistent marketer she is, Susan slipped a Mat Kearney song onto a mix she sent me. Susan, aware of a) my strong aversion to Mat Kearney’s apparent lameness and b) my weakness for poetic lyrics, chose the perfect song. “What’s A Boy to Do” hooked me with the lines “Guess I’m looking for the right way to do this/ Guess I’m looking for the right things to call pretty” that got lodged in my psyche. It’s as if Mat and I became friends over a cup of coffee and great conversation. My sister is good at what she does.

But, it wasn’t until I bought “City of Black and White” that I became an official Mat Kearney fan. If that yellow CD had been fabric, it would be threadbare. Kearney is also good at what he does. He provided excellent thought-provoking company for my work commute for several months. He has intelligent, introspective lyrics that escape self-absorption. His gaze reaches above the rim of his belly button without coasting down the vapid road to pop.

He extracts the essence of the human condition from the mundane, foregoing sentimentality in order to reach something greater: compassion and connection. For example in “Closer to Love”, he sings, “She got the call today, one out of the grey/ And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away/she said she didn’t believe, it could happen to me/ I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees/…. And don’t apologize for all the tears you’ve cried/you’ve been way too strong now for all your life….”

Then, with the chorus in “Lifeline”, he redeems the “ee-ee-ee” fiasco with these lyrics: “The world is too big never to ask why/ The answers don’t just fall from the sky/I’m fighting to live and feel alive….” Instead of wallowing with the emo kids in perpetual angst, Kearney wrestles with the black and white in order to grasp hope and meaning. He’s looking for the right thing to call pretty and invites us to join him.