i like books, too!!!

 Ackerman's sentences are great in themselves.  But her books have so much energy and excitement that they beg the question why people haven't bothered to write them before now.  There are five chapters: one devoted to a sense.  The ideas are provocative and haunting.  It's a fun house of interesting facts and new ideas.

The idea that keeps nibbling at me comes from the touch chapter.  The idea: pain is contextual.  She uses the example of getting legs waxed.  In the context of the salon, it's reasonable pain.  But take the scenario into a prison cell in lieu of a spa and substitute the aesthetician with a Nazi, and you have an extremely different scenario.  There's an emotional element to physical pain as well as choice.  It's made me think about the power of attitude.  I keep playing with the idea.  The weight-training coaches in college always made us scream "I FEEL GREAT" while we did ab work.  It made me angry because I thought it was a lie.  But, now I concede their point.  There's a degree we can choose how pain registers with us.  I just read about this in a Ravi Zacharias book on overcoming emotions in a spiritual realm (wow, I made it sound all new age, but it's not).

Another new idea: humans don't have a vocabulary for smell.  It's never occurred to me, but I can't prove her wrong.

I bought this book at a Goodwill.  God's providence, yo.  I've already cried twice.  One with the black scientist who grew up in the projects and earned her PhD at MIT; she speaks of God's grace in her life.  And, the story of the pastor made me bawl; its brutal.  Henri Nouwen told her she was a wounded healer (and she is).

It's very reassuring and inspiring.  CSL wrote: "We read in order to know we're not alone."  This book proves him right... again. I think I may try to buy these for graduation presents in the future... or if a friend is struggling within her career path.  I discussed it with the chemistry teacher turned pharmacist.  People are fascinating.  Passion is inspiring... even if I'm a passion vampire.

i like the movies!!!!

Over the past two weeks, I've watched three movies.   I love movies.  I'm a cinema glutton.  It's so bad; there's barely a movie I don't like.  (I've attached links to the official trailers of each movie.)

1. Salmon Fishing In The Yemen on Mother's Day.  I enjoyed this movie.  The Sheik's character is the most memorable aspect of the movie for me.  The character was amazing.  (No doubt there are political undertones, but so what?  Our secular culture needs to be called to task about its pointlessness.) I like the idea of trying something different and something beautiful can transpire despite terrible reasons underpinning it.  I appreciated how the main character played by Ewan McGregor grew and changed through interaction with the Sheik and being forced into the ridiculous venture that somehow ignites his soul.  This is a beautiful "feel good" movie.

2. The Avengers This movie is so much fun!  Brilliantly campy!  LOL!  Some of the scenes are too much (like when the Black Widow takes out about 10 guys while being tied to a chair with her boss on hold).   I think this would be a great date movie-- lots of one-liners to keep the conversation going.  I love Iron Man; he's so snarky yet lovable.  Captain America is the perfect straight man.  They could have done more with the bad guy, but he was strange.  My main complaint is predictability.  But, that said the humor and action more than made up for it.  Highly entertaining... just not high brow.

3. Footnote  Oddly enough, this may have been my favorite in this trio.  It's decidedly well done.  The acting is good, and there's subtlety to the telling of the story that alludes Hollywood.  Father and son. What is good scholarship?  Politics. Truth or grace? Ambiguity abounds throughout the movie.  This movie is a brilliant study of the human condition, especially our chosen forms of isolation and how we use stereotypes and short hand to understand others, esp. ones we're close too.   The familial relationships were heart-breaking.  The son and grandson's relationship and marriage ones are brilliantly portrayed.

refrigerators and rabbits

full fridge

I came across these quotations today on Facebook.  


The power of the gospel:


"You want to know how big God’s love is? The answer is: It’s very big. It’s bigger than you’re comfortable with." ~Anne Lamott*


“The bread that is spoiling in your house belongs to the hungry. The shoes that our mildewing under your bed belong to those who have none. The clothes stored away in your trunk belong to those who are naked. The money that depreciates in your treasury belongs to the poor!”
-St. Basil the Great


This came as an unplanned culmination of what I've been meditating this week: the first and greatest commandment this week.  And, I'm realizing that loving your neighbor is an act of worship because of the imago dei.  It's the same logic employed in the command to resolve conflict before offering sacrifice.  It's about integrity (wholeness).  


I've been wrestling with this and how to live it.  I had a friend to compare her single life (described as "fun") and her wedded/motherhood life (described as "real").  Her comments made me think of the Velveteen Rabbit: He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him. It hurts to love and be loved.

Velveteen Rabbit

I think the call of the gospel is to become real, and I have the same reservations as the bunny.  To love, forgive, talk, think, buy, work, eat, laugh and sleep in a way that worships our big and good God is uncomfortable.  My faith, theology, ideas, love, and life are far too puny and abstract.  They are made real in living in community.  Our shortcomings are painfully evident as we live in community.



Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.- Goethe  



I think this is where I've fallen short in looking for a job and conceptualizing my life... and other people.  God's love is big enough to make me forever uncomfortable.


* I have a quibble with the emphasis on God's love vs. God's love.  The simple grammatical structure renders emphasis on love. 

plan (in advance)

It's Canada, folks!

"Plan in advance" is one of my mom's pet peeve redundancies.  So, it's fun to say.  For people such as myself, it isn't so much a redundancy as a reinforcement strategy.

I'm headed to Vancouver to visit friends for the first two weeks of June!  Woohoo!

My Vancouver TDL:

My Soon-to-be Jericho Beach Running Buddies

1. Earth Day 5k or 10k at Jericho Beach with M&P.  I haven't decided yet.  It's the equivalent to running a Krispy Kreme race in North Carolina.

Some good eating buddies.  Notice the G&T's.

2. Eat lamb at Minerva's with Becky and Betty.  Drink a G&T with Cheetos with B&B as well.











3. Go to the Aquarium with M&S.
4. Evening Lecture at Regent about Technology and Imagination.
5. Drink coffee and read.
6. Stanley Park... maybe run the seawall... maybe not.

Granville Island: Hijinks and Hilarity

7. Granville Island: enjoy the buskers and all the crazy.














8. Trail run in the Endowment Lands (map: Hemlock and Huckleberry are some of my favorites).
9. Journal and fast from meals at Rivendell on Bowen. (This includes a beautiful bus and ferry ride.)
10. Learn a new recipe or two.  People are far more health conscious in Vancouver than they are here.
11. Watch at least one sunset.  I love how it dunks so quickly... and how late it'll be.
12. Have some amazing conversations and enjoy some good, old-fashioned silliness.
13.  Sushi and salmon are maybe's, but Grounds for Coffee cinnamon rolls are a must.
14.  Wear jeans in June!
15.  Go to the Nitobe Japanese Garden at UBC.
16. Go for a hike.
17. Drink hot tea.
18.  Art galleries on Granville.
19. Hear Darrell Johnson preach.
20.  Public transit.  I love taking the buses in Vancouver.
21. Bard on the Beach: Taming of the Shrew and Macbeth!

Figure some stuff out and get some distance from my present situation. (This, perhaps, is a byproduct.)

It's nice to have plans.  One can't deviate or accomplish anything if she doesn't have plans, eh?

(I took all these pictures in 2009.)

shop loves

A Mole

A Vole

Snickers, Other Spoiled Dogs, and Their Owners


Snickers and her owner came into the store today to buy some replacement tomatoes.  Snickers is a 4 year old chihuahua who refuses to bark.  She's prissy yet well-behaved.  Her owner is tough with a bald head, but loses all street cred when he cuddles her.

Then there's Robert who told me that he was taking his dog to Dairy Queen after work because she wanted a pineapple blizzard (a milkshake).

I asked him, "How do you know she (your dog) wants a blizzard?  Did she tell you?"

"Oh, she has ways of communicating," he replied.  He went on to tell me what her favorite sandwiches were at various fast foods.


Names that could inspire literary masterpieces


That's my favorite part of running a credit card is finding out a person's name.
Eugenia Crookshank.
Juanieshia (she spelled it out for me, which was a very good thing).  She was over the phone.
One of my co-workers is even a Mrs. Darling.

That is the beginning of a population of a most fantastic novel.  It's reminiscent of Ignatius O'Reilly in Confederacy of Dunces, which was my favorite novel in university.


Delicious Trivia


Yesterday, I learned that catnip can be used to deter mosquitoes.  You just rub it on your skin.

Birds don't have taste buds, but squirrels do.  Therefore, you can douse bird seed with hot sauce to deter squirrels from eating it.

The difference between a mole and a vole.  Heck, that there even is such a thing as a vole.  And, moles are really ugly.  They're endangered so you can't kill them; you can only repel them.  Unless, you buy rat poison and stick down their holes.  The down side to rat poison is... dogs.

Yellow and pink tomatoes have lower acidity.

Growers use steroids to get flowers to bloom when they want them to.


Saying, "I don't believe you"


Yesterday, a guy told me that he grew a 250-pound watermelon.   I asked him how he weighed it.  He told me he had to cut it into pieces and way the pieces. He said, "You don't believe me do you."  I told him that was significantly larger than a majority of humans and that there was a drought last year (WATERmelon), which lowered the plausibility of his statement. I asked him if he fished.

Another guy told me he grew a 22-pound sweet potato.  Are you detecting a theme?

Another guy told me that his okra plant grew to be 12 feet.

One woman came in and returned a sell flag with a "N" and asked to see the "F" flags.  I asked, "How did you have the wrong letter?"  She answered, "A friend gave it to me."  Um, right.  A friend who doesn't know your name?

Mother's Day

At church yesterday, the pastor opened up a "share time" about what you most appreciated about your mother.  It was the usual, boring rigamarole you'd expect people to say in church.  Although I really enjoyed when a woman talked about her mother's "selfishness".

What I wanted to say but didn't: There are a lot of boring people in the world (and glance around at all the people with a cocked eyebrow), but my mom is not one of them.  She's the only woman in a church of over 1,000 whose children refer to her as The Chief... and mean it.

I now appreciate my odd mama.  Although, my young mullet-headed self would cringe every time she'd send a note to the teacher signed, "Merci".  That mullet instilled character in me.  And, I remember the time when I came across tuna salad that wasn't bright yellow.  My mom's favorite spice is mustard.  We had no ketchup... or really anything else besides mustard.  This instilled an openness to any kind of cuisine. I'm not a picky eater.

flashbacks

Being back in my hometown is crazy, especially where I work.  A customer from across the store yelled, "You're Joy."
I said, "Yes."
"I knew it," he replied.
After racking my brain and coming up with nothing, I asked, "I'm sorry, but who are you?"
He said, "I'm Trey McIntosh."
As soon as he said his name, I could place him.  We were in the same kindergarten class.  I would not have recognized him without the name.  He is still super sweet, and I'm still taller than he is.  He was buying plants in order to create a garden for his wife.  It was good to catch up, and I was impressed with his memory.  I guess I haven't changed all that much even though I no longer wear my hair in a mullet.  (There's no denying my parents had and have a sense of humor.  No doubt they thought it was hilarious.)

Then, a woman recognized me from a summer job I had from my freshman year in university.  I got the "You're Joy" again.  I admitted to it.  She said, "I KNEW it was you! You have a distinct voice."  I hadn't seen her in 14 years.

I got the "distinct voice" comment again from a guy I was in a Sunday School class with about five years ago, right before I moved to Japan.  It was good to see these random people out of my random past.  Upon reflection, I think the "distinct voice" has more to do with my accent, diction and grammar than my actual voice.  I speak differently from the majority of the people in my hometown.  I get asked regularly where I am from.  I tell them here.  This one guy asked me, "How far South are you?"
I replied, "Excuse me?"
"How far South are you?" he continued.
"I don't understand," I plead.
"You're from New York, aren't you?" he said.

He would not believe me when I said I was from here.

For the most part of my life, I've felt invisible.  These incidents have made me realize that people notice and remember me.  The fact they come and talk to me makes me think they had pleasant interactions with me.  Or maybe they are adventurous.

the highest love, according to CSL

The Four Loves has to be one of my favorite books by CS Lewis.  I found the introduction in which he discusses gift-love and receipt-love to be a game-changer for me.  It is really tough to receive love, especially when you are unable to reciprocate.  When you're the giver, you have control; and when you're the receiver, you're vulnerable and relinquish control.  He argues that are human relationships prepare us for agape, which is completely receipt-love from our standpoint.


Plus, I got a lot out of the chapter on friends, and the idea of being shoulder-to-shoulder, facing the world.    He calls friendship the highest love because it is the purest of the human loves.  He equates eros with fire and hunger-- something that has more to do with our animal instincts.  He says friendship is much more and contends eros is at its best set within a friendship.  He's a big fan of friends turning into more, but females and relationships with them was never his strong suit.  Both his mother and wife died young, and he had no sisters.  Women were not really a part of his world; they were mostly characters in books for him.  I digress.


I agree with his chapter on friendship.  Friendship is good and makes life livable.  I think it is one of God's greatest gifts to us, which makes sense considering he's a triune God.  In Sacred Space "Consciousness" prayer for May 12, it states, "Help me Lord to be more conscious of your presence. Teach me to recognise your presence in others.  Fill my heart with gratitude for the times Your love has been shown to me through the care of others."


And, I'm really grateful for God's love being shown through the care of others.  This week has been chalk full of concrete instances.  Friends' generosities have made me cry and filled me with hope this week.  I can feel my worth through their love.  Some of it came in terms of money, and some came in terms of sharing really helpful information that was private and made the person vulnerable.


It's been very interesting learning how to love and be loved in this period of unemployment.  I have two friends who have been the stalwarts throughout the ordeal. The guy has been through an extended period of unemployment, so he understands it from experience.  He has a useful compassion.  And, my other friend is a social worker by trade and has an amazingly tender heart for all people, including me.  She reminds me that often times people care but simply don't know how to demonstrate their care.  They don't know how to love or help me through this time.  And, I'm learning the key to friendship is presence.  So much of friendship comes down to participation.


I'm also realizing the importance of struggle and suffering in our lives.  People who make it through are generally gentler, kinder people than the people who haven't been through tough times.  But this is a generalization.  Some people come out even more brittle: "If I had to go through it, so do you" kind of mentality.  Ravi Zacharias says we'll end life with one of three types of heart: hard, broken or tender.  The two amazing friends have been some really rough patches and come through with tender hearts and greater faith.


I'm realizing that I put a lot of emphasis on accomplishments.  I was duly impressed by the accomplishments of a lot of my friends at my high school reunion.  But, I'm realizing that the eternal question is: who am I becoming?  I was depressed at my birthday because this year was a total bust-- my only accomplishment was making it through in one piece.  But, I'm now reconfiguring the question: how have I grown?  Is my heart softer?  Do I feel more gratitude?  More humility? Am I more patient, kind, loving, etc? Is my heart more prayerful? Am I more like my friends?

break-up sadness

I just called off a friendship, and, consequently,  I feel sad.  It needed to be done.  She wanted to meet for coffee, but I'd rather do hot yoga, pass out, and pay for the Emergency Room trip in change to an old, fat, over-bearing accountant scowling at me the entire time.  Well, that may be overstating my lack of desire by a small margin.  We don't really have anything in common.  I don't really care about potty training and arguments over strawberries, and she doesn't care about my fantastic impersonations of customers and immature but overwhelming existential angst.

I had a conversation at reunion with a good friend who happens to be a psychologist.  We were discussing my lackluster year, and she said, "I thought you had a lot church friends or something."

I responded, "I did too."

"Where were they?" she countered.

"Hell if I know," I answered.

The friend I broke up with was one of the above named AWOL people.  I feel kind of bad talking like that with my Jewish friend.  But, I didn't know where my friends were nor where God was in the maelstrom.  And, furthermore, I know very few Christians who haven't been deeply wounded by the church and her members.  Words are so much easier than actions.  Believe me, I know.  I'm definitely not the go-to evangelist.  Faith doesn't make life easier merely richer and more meaningful.

I've been thinking about friends and friendship often recently.  The many people who've disappointed me have really high-lighted the amazing friends that I do have. The shoddy, generic friendships offer foil for the real deal. Maybe I'll cobble together a coherent couple of paragraphs on the subject.

cloud texture

Tonight the full moon is the closest to the earth that it is going to be this year.  I went out to enjoy it but got sidetracked by the clouds.  They were fantastic.  I'm no Wordsworth or romantic or natural poet.  I'm no poet of any kind.  The only poetry I write is bad.  Really, pathetically, hysterically funny bad.  I peaked as a poet in fifth grade.  I digress.

The clouds' various textures, translucence covering the moon,  and movement were mesmerizing.  The sight made me realize how petty all my complaints against my day were.  It made me realize that although I'm itching to move, that much of life has a certain, unavoidable, and necessary universality.  The moon and clouds are staples to the Earth. Of course you can quibble with me: clouds are probably different in the Sahara.  And, you'd be correct.

The cloud experience also demonstrated the power of the particular: full moon happens once a month and the closest time deal happens once a year.  At one level, I could have only experienced this beauty tonight for 2012.  Yet, the beauty of the moon has been attested by poets (and non poets) for a large part of history.

There's something about night time that makes me feel small and vulnerable.  Tonight it was a good, humble, everything's-gonna-be-alright small thanks to the beauty of the clouds.  I'm not always sure we gained as much as we think we did  with electricity and the ability to ignore the night and subsequent darkness.  Night helps us appreciate the day; it helps us remind us that it is a gift.  But, then again, so is night.  I love Psalm 130 De Profundis; I wrote a lot of papers on it as a student.

My fascination with clouds has a long history.  I wrote a paper on clouds for second grade, which included cotton ball art.  My mom still teases me about how serious and anal I was about my cloud art.  It took multiple attempts to get the texture and coloring right.  But, my fixation was earned.  Clouds deserve to be taken seriously... and enjoyed.

TED Talk affects birthday

Probably my favorite part of Facebook besides pictures is my birthday!  I love getting happy birthday wishes from people I haven't talked to in years... and people I talk to every day.  It's awesome!  However, I had never really considered writing about it or really addressing it in any real sense.

Then, yesterday I listened to a TED talk on vulnerability that argues that connection is necessary.  I realized that the connection is what I love about the Facebook Birthday shout out-- getting noticed by these people with whom I have tenuous to tight connections.  The speaker argues that the one key thing she detected was a sense of worthiness to be loved that differentiated people.  It had profound Christian implications.

I'm realizing that ALL friendships don't need to be profound.  It's okay to have surface friendships; in fact, it's important to have low-connectivity friendships for things like finding a job and a mate.  Politeness matters.  I'm realizing this in my job quest.  It takes me back to studying atoms in chemistry class in high school.  The closer bonds are stronger, but atoms need their outer layers to be balanced-- otherwise they become ions.   I know I now have some customers that I like to see.  I don't even know some of their names, but I always have a enjoyable conversation with them.

My job with the public has been teaching me this lesson too.  Politeness and gentleness are necessary.  Gratitude and generosity make life so much more enjoyable whichever side you're on of it.

So, I commented on all my birthday wishes with at least a thanks!, which is completely dorky, but it made me feel connected to all my birthday wishers.  I like to get some form of acknowledgement when I do something, and I'm guessing I'm not alone.

However much I enjoyed getting FB wishes, I far preferred Lexie and Catie's homemade sticker cards.  Utterly charming.  I have no idea why I adore little kid art because I hate when children choir sings.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's amusing to have little kids pick their noses and stare into space in front of a large space, but I don't get anything out of it higher than a chuckle.  Maybe it's because I love these little kids who scribbled for me and were generous with their stickers.  I'm worthy of their stickers and merry making, and they are worthy of my adoration.

Do you want champagne?

What a lovely question!  This had to be one of my favorite parts of reunion.  I also realized that the absence of this question was part of the problem with my Monday.  Not a single person offered me free champagne all day!  I'm not sure how I managed to survive.

I think I might start asking "do you want champagne?"  in lieu of "how are you?"  It really changes the atmosphere of the conversation as only effervescing alcohol can... even if it is only the mention of it.  Even if you were in a really horrid situation, you would still want champagne, I imagine.  It reconstructs the most dreary day into a celebration.

I told my brother that there was only one true answer to this question: something along the lines of "Yes!" or "Absolutely!"  He pointed out that "Do you have something stronger?" would be a viable response.