good news!!!

I received two rejections by noon today. That's nice. Plus, it's a monsoon outside. The sound of the rain woke me up this morning. Yet, a good day because of the really fun first date last night. I'm choosing to think about the positive. Mand, we went to an art museum-- it was so much fun and very funny. I'd been, but he hadn't. He made me notice things that I hadn't before. Then, we drank wine and ate tapas, which sounds really pretentious but was actually a lot of fun.

Lessons I'm learning.
1. Focus on the positive. My uncle reminded me how lucky I am to be in good shape-- to not take my health for granted. And, he's right. Joining the gym has been really good for me. I can have challenges outside of finding a job. And, allowing myself to enjoy last night despite my career being nonexistent; not being defined by circumstance. Life is still good, or, I should say: God is good despite this rather glaring circumstance.

It reminded me of the realization I had in Japan: running is a really cool gift God gave me. Running (and walking) was a total consolation when in Japan; it was an escape. It still is. Plus, it helps me sleep and keeps me sane and fit. I always wanted something flashy-- like singing. But, no. God knows best.

I read this earlier today, and it fits: “In difficult times, you should always carry something beautiful in your mind.”--Blaise Pascal. Then Luci Shaw commented, "Grace in any mode is a form of beauty--undeserved but freely bestowed and available."

2. Patience. All of life is waiting. Last night looking at the art, I experienced again the simple act of waiting. There's something to be said for a little puzzling and interaction with something new. It takes time and reorientation to understand something in its own terms. What was the artist trying to do? I'm learning to presume there's a bigger context than the one I initially considered. The same is true for people and situations. It takes time to figure out what's going on and what God's doing (not that I'll ever figure that out!).

Here's an example: My phone hasn't been working since Saturday. I went to the store to find out how to fix it. The sales people said it was beyond being fixed and the warranty had expired. They told me that I'd have to buy a new phone. I responded that this probably wasn't the best time to hawk me a phone since mine had just broken. In my twenties, I would have just said, "Screw it", thrown the phone away and be without a phone. However, I'm slowly maturing and emailed a former student with my problem. He told me to take out the battery and submerge it in rice for at least twelve hours. I did it for about 24 hours, and, by jove, it works! I wrote back to thank the student. I feel I was being rewarded for being patient.

farm

I went to a farm yesterday with my mom. It was out near where I grew up, and I've known the owners since I was a baby. It was weird to go out in the country. It's still gorgeous but seems smaller. They paved the road on which I grew up. I liked it as a dirt road.

We went for ground beef, but we bought sorghum molasses instead. No doubt you can figure out what happen. The lady tried to sell us beef sausage. No offense, but that sounds kind of nasty. However, I've never had it. It may be the most awesome sausage EVER, and I am totally missing out. So, I feel legitimately Southern with my molasses.

And, I've been walking instead of running, which takes more time but is more relaxing. Well, a different kind of relaxing.

I have a first date on Tuesday to the art museum that I'm very excited about. Now, I'm wondering what I should wear. Dress? Skirt? Black pants? Jeans? It's going to be fairly warm. It can't be any worse than my interviews, right?

I watched three movies recently: Cape of Good Hope, Northanger Abbey and Like Water for Elephants. I listed them in order of preference. I didn't really like the last one.

Oh, how could I forget: I made 15 bean soup that actually tastes really good.

This is all, of course, is juxtaposed with real news: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, 69, has died. Will his son be a better leader than he?

lesson

I went to a church meeting about a major decision. I was expecting to figure out what was going on-- what ideas were at stake. I'm less clear about what happened and the conflict. But, that was the point of the meeting: it's not about being factual and correct. It's about unity, love and being under authority. An attorney on the committee said to think about the situation in terms of interpretation rather than choice. Our pastor said that we needed to withhold judgment and wait and see because there was a lot of information and misinformation. We also needed to trust that the Spirit was at work.

I learned a lot listening to the lecture and conversation. It made me respect these people even more. I didn't figure out what I wanted to, and that's okay. In fact, not getting what you want can be a very good thing. There's life application in this.

depletion

I don't know why I find job applications so depleting, but I do. I applied to about seven jobs yesterday (about 3-4 hours of actual work) and was exhausted. I applied to two today and am tired. I'm less surprised and irritated by how redundant the applications are. Today's I had to fill out my reference information in two separate locations on the same internet application. One was in an Excel format and one was in Word. Seriously. I sometimes think it's some form of psychological test to see if you have what it takes to survive the bureaucratic mechanisms of the institution. "Dance, monkey, dance."

It's weird trying to maintain an identity separate from this uphill battle. Working out is helping. Prayer is definitely helping. This has made me realize the holes in my social network around here... again. I have more friends in DC, New York and Seattle than I do here. I need to reach out more to the people I know here, and figure out ways to branch out. And, I need to do all this with spending as little money as possible. Yes? Yes. I hang on to the possibility that I'm learning something profound and pragmatic and building character.

Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller Quasi-Reviewed

Counterfeit Gods

I picked this book up in my mom's church's library. I really liked Prodigal God and thought that odds were in this books favor. I was right. This book was good; it was far more powerful than I expected it would be. It's founded in Scripture and profoundly relevant. He talks about surface idols and deep idols and how insidious idolatry is. Reading about it reminded me of kudzu; idolatry is the kudzu of the heart.
kudzu

Idols are rarely bad things: love, family, work. It's just taking a good thing and turning it into an ultimate thing. Keller writes about the distortion and the correction: Jesus Christ. He always brings it back to Jesus. He roots his teaching in the stories of Abraham, Jacob and Jonah woven with modern examples. After reading this book, I needed to pray. I needed to pray while reading it. The book functioned in the same way art does. It brings new light into the familiar, unsettling the seemingly comfortable. It reminds me that as Christians, we are pilgrims in a foreign land. It reminds me of all of Jesus's I AM statements: he is the way, the bread of heaven, life, etc. All else although really, truly amazing and good cannot satisfy. It reminds of Darrell Johnson saying that if you don't offer up your idols to God, he will take them.

This said, it's a gentle, gracious book. I'd recommend it to anyone. It's a provocative, thoughtful book.

crazy train

This morning I called a guy with whom I'd had a phone interview last week to follow up about my resume. The guy answered the office phone, but just to make sure I said, "May I speak with ____?" I thought he'd say, "This is he." But, NO. He said, "He's not in. Please leave a message on his cell." So, I did. Shocker, he didn't pick up. I think this let me know that this isn't the job for me.

Then the leaf guy came to clean the leaves off the roof and out of the yard, but he forgot his ladder. So, he had to go back home and get it.

I fixed my mom and brother dinner, but they're not coming to my house. I'm taking everything over to my mom's.

39 to go

I tutored a kid today. I think we're going to get along. His favorite subject is history. We spent time getting to know each other and writing an article review for Health class. He decided to write on the Green Bay Packers' upcoming game. I learned a lot about football. He was a really cool kid. We talked about the Romans. I hope the gig takes.

Both his parents are writers: his mom is a journalist and his dad a published author. That's a little awkward and adds some pressure. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

One hour of paid work this week... now I just need to find 39 more as cool as this one.

it was bound to happen...

I bought wine, and the cash register girl didn't even bother to check my ID. I must look over thirty.

Of course, I am over thirty... and grocery stores have very harsh lighting. I won't ever get a photo shoot done in a grocery store. I bet Oprah never goes into one for that very reason.

new goal

I gave a pint of A+ blood on Wednesday afternoon at the library during a thunderstorm. It was an overall good experience-- one exception-- lady let walk-ins go before appointments. Not cool. Lesson learned-- go in the middle to late part of the period. However, I met some cool people and learned that the elevation of the place you visited in India affects whether or not you can give blood. The #1 cool person was the little lady volunteer in charge of snacks after you give. She was 78 years old and chatty. We were talking about random stuff then got onto the topic of working out. This little lady meets with a personal trainer three times a week and can do 30 "man push-ups" (direct quote). She can also bench more than I can. But, I do more cardio than she. She was envious that my gym has a pool. She said she took being in good shape seriously because some of her grandchildren and great grandchildren were obese, and she wanted to be a good role model for them. I told her that my family had more cautionary tales than role models. Seriously, when you meet old people like this, it gives one hope about getting older. She was talking about how her house is messier since retirement because she's so busy. Coolness.

Before giving blood, I rowed for the first time in years on Wednesday. I did 5x1k workout with .25 mile running recoveries. It was slow but reasonable. When I rowed in college I tried my 500 splits under 2:00 no matter what-- 12k pieces or 90 minute sessions. I needed under 1:50 to keep my position on a boat for more competitive pieces. This time I tried to keep my measly 1ks under 2:10, which I did. It felt really good. I'm going to incorporate more rowing into my workout. I was sweating within 4 minutes, and it's not just about going full-out. It's about pacing and stroke rating and form. There was a guy on the erg beside me that had clearly never rowed on the water. I managed to keep all my unsolicited advice to myself. The whole time I watched him I was thinking, "He's going to kill his back."

Job related: I applied to the chaplaincy program in the Army earlier this week. It's a pretty long process, and I'd have to go back to school to convert my Master's into an MDiv, which is kind of a nice prospect. I'd have to the candidacy program, which means I'd go into the reserves for 7 years. I was whining to my sister that I'd be over forty when I was finished with the entire process. She pointed out that I'd be over forty in 8 years no matter what I do, so that shouldn't really be a factor not to do something. My other concern is what about IF I meet a guy and want to get married and have kids-- being prego in a combat zone doesn't seem overly ideal. My sister pointed out again that my cousin's wife got pregnant while stationed in Japan (noncombat zone), and she was released from duty. This is to say, the military works with you. But, it seems like a really interesting, important job. Imagine getting to interact with people in such a critical time of life. These men and women are going to be asking crucial questions about meaning and life, etc. And, although there's pluralistic protocol, you still get to pray and care for these people.

I have my first tutoring gig in a while with a 12 year-old boy who sounds like he's a trip. I'm excited. I also figured out some places I want to start volunteering.

So, we shall see. My appeal worked somewhat: I'm going to have a hearing. I'm on my way!

Must go work on my upper body strength!

pilates

Pilates kicked my butt today. A good, swift kick. I should have known when all the chicks were decked out in legit gear showing off their svelte bodies. Next time, I'm going to a class with chubby people in sweat pants. I was in the back equally unbalanced with the lone dude. I was sweating and mildly stressed, then my sense of humor came to my rescue. It was oddly ridiculous: while we were doing these bizarre, painful exercises, people were shouting out about stock options and christmas decor. And, I felt like I got a good enough workout that I didn't feel obligated to run in the rain. And, I ate healthily the rest of the day. My snack tonight was carrots. Carrots. Clearly, this week-old gym membership is working its magic. Next thing I'm going to be selling athletic gear at Sports Authority, drinking protein shakes and training for an Ironman. Watch out!

And, I heard back from two job prospects. One of them I talked with the guy on the phone for over an hour. I think I'd really like the work, but it pays very little. Very little is of course much more than I'm making right now, and it's very interesting, worthwhile work.... And, it's work. We shall see. Maybe, they'll work in tandem. The other's a little blah, but it'd pay the bills better than saving the world.

I watched The World's Greatest Dad with Robin Williams. It's interesting not great. The soundtrack is good, and I love Robin Williams. The protagonist is real-- not overly like-able but still sympathetic.

relief!

Thursday I finished and faxed my appeal. I faxed it again on Friday just for good measure. My brother took the copy over to the business. My cousin told me to wrap my head around the fact that my winning was a total crap shoot. But, I think the odds are slightly in my favor because of economy and political party in power. I hope I'm right. I really, really hope. It ultimately comes down to who is the referee and God.

I taught my long awaited Advent seminar this morning to six people two of whom I'm related. I had a technology scare this morning: I connected my computer to the projector, and the screen didn't project. Then, about fifteen minutes later it did. Plus an IT guy came. God had it covered. But, it was an ideal start because we could fit around a table and talk, which is what I envisioned. People talked... a little too much. I went in concerned about getting people engaged. The people who came were ready to talk. The problem was I got through about half of my material. We missed some really good stuff. My uncle and brother gave me good feedback; they're probably the most honest. My brother told me that I brought my A game, but I need to work on speaking more fluidly. He said I made little noises (hmm, okay) that detracted from the presentation. He's probably right because I hadn't fully thought out what I was going to say. I made some bullet points. Plus, I was monitoring other people to see how they were doing. Teaching has definitely helped me with facilitating a group. I just called on people to read or respond. A lady pointed out the irony of the words of "o come, o come Emmanuel": we're saying "come" to God-with-us. I wanted a unhurried, meditative pace, and I got it. I might need to speed it up next time. It was a positive experience.

I'm feeling paranoid about church now because this lady I barely know told me while smiling and nodding her head, "Now, I know how you really are." I dodged her question with a vague answer the previous week; it was the kind of thing my grandmother would say. I said something like: "I'll think about it" instead of a flat no. I'm trying to adjust to being in the South. So, I wonder if she gossiped with other ladies.

And, I told my roommate (who goes to the church) that I'd keep her dog for the month of December if she paid me $10/day-- the going rate is at least $25. I thought she'd be pleased. She told me,"You're being outrageous! I'll take the dog to Florida." Then told me how ungrateful I was; um, I pay rent. Rent must not count as gratitude. So I am glad I asked in order to stand up for myself, but I think it definitely put a rift in our relationship because she demonstrated an attitude that's come out before of my owing her something. I promised to keep her dog in September for her trip to Switzerland and in January for her trip to Honduras; I didn't promise to dog sit for month-long periods for free whenever she decides. I miss the dog more... at least so far. I promised myself a new place by May 1st; it may be sooner because there's a weird, unhealthy dynamic. (Seriously?!? This is pathetic, but it took up a lot of head and heart space this week.)

Good news: a weekly tutoring gig is in the works, and it hopefully starts tomorrow. And, a lady contacted me about nannying. I need to find out more, but there's potential. It looks like I may be able to teach in Anchorage just on my Praxis scores; I need to call. I'm back in touch with an old friend in town, which has been really nice. I exercised every day except Thursday; I think joining the gym is going to improve morale. Huzzah!

harrowing but successful day

Lost in the Cosmos. Itchy scratchy with energy to do something worthwhile and amazing. It's frustrating and exciting. It happens to me even when I'm engaged in a job. Restlessness. The complete inability to say, "This is it, and it's enough." It' good to realize this on the outside of a job or marriage or parenthood in order to realize it's internal friction... and it's not all bad. It just needs to be channelled.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5 (The Message)

This said, today was filled with effective busyness. I finished and faxed my appeal. I'm further along on my Advent class that happens Saturday. And, I'm more and more aware of how much I lucked out in the mom department. I got top of the line. This holds true for my entire nuclear family and a lot of the extended. I can used "blessed" in this category and feel overly cheesy. This diatribe is sponsored by the 2.5 hours my mom worked with me editing and honing the appeal. She's really smart and educated plus she's really into acting out her love. One time, Mom did something pretty amazing, way over the expected. I thanked her sheepishly and told her she didn't have to do it. She said, "I tell you 'I love you', but the words would ring hollow if I didn't back it up with action." Or something along those lines. It's pretty solid.