french toast

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I learned this "recipe" from a roommate in Vancouver. We came home from class and were ravenous. It takes fewer than ten minutes and is warm comfort food perfect for one person. It's really sweet but without sugar!

Ingredients in order of appearance:

1 egg
medium splash of milk
cinnamon
nutmeg
2 pieces of loaf bread
spray/butter/oil

1. crack egg into a soup bowl.
2. pour some milk-- you're looking for an egg-milk ration of 3:1 or 4:1.
3. stir until it looks ready to scramble.
4. 2 shakes of cinnamon and 2 shakes of nutmeg. stir mixture a little more.
5. turn on stove to medium heat. put pan on and spray/butter/oil.
6. submerge first piece of bread for about 5 seconds. then flip. repeat.
7. put in pan. flip once if possible.

I serve toast with cherry preserves and milk.

yes, I mean no

"'I'm not religious, I'm spiritual'. You ever hear girls say that? 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' I go, 'Well I'm not honest, but you're really interesting.'" —Daniel Tosh

It's been one of those kick-them-when-they're-down weeks, and by "them" I mean "me." When Prof. Race told me that work was our greatest consolation, I rolled my eyes when I left his office. Now I'm beginning to see his point. There is something rewarding about accomplishing a task as piddly as it is. It gives the sense of order and justice. Right now the cause and effect button seems to be malfunctioning in my life. It's supposed to work a certain way: when I apply for a job I'm qualified, I should get it. When I ask for an awesome book for my class, my principal should say, "Of course. I'll do anything for a dedicated, talented teacher such as yourself." The wiring has gotten a little loose, and the desired outcomes did not come to be.

So to ward off my impending feelings of helplessness, I was productive today. I got up at 5:30am on a Saturday (I went to bed at 8:30--I forced myself to stay up. I could so have gone to bed at 7pm, but everybody knows you can't go to bed before Jeopardy.) I cooked oatmeal. I read about ten chapters in Genesis, which was oddly comforting. The bible is comforting in its very wildness and unexpectedness even in familiar stories. The cause and effect is on the blink-- grace does that. For instance, Jacob. Jacob is such an interesting, complex not altogether likeable character. He's sneaky. He's slick. He wrestles with God and gets a new name. Then his son Joseph is completely upright before God and men, and he's thrown into prison. But Joseph experiences God's grace and presence even in prison. God's wields his power and will in a very hands off way, yet he wields it with precision. I find comfort in that.

I spent most of the day in Gastonia, taking V. to get her done to give the Chief a break. I ran 6 miles on the Greenway while she got her done. I was afraid I'd be late if I ran the 8 I'd planned, but it would have worked out. I helped the Chief clean out her attic.

Then, I went over to M&B's and ate shepherd's pie and laughed and laughed and laughed. Whenever I hang out with them, I thoroughly enjoy myself. On the surface, our friendship makes no sense because we don't really line up in a traditional sense: we're so very different age, occupation, etc. But it definitely works. They have to enjoy my company because they keep asking for it. Our friendship reminds me of Emily Dickinson's poem that starts out with "The soul selects her own society." Friendship is no mathematical expression. I love how psychologists and other experts try to analyze and explain it. It's beautiful, wonderful mystery. I agree with CSL: friendship is the highest love.

(Sorry this is so disjointed... maybe I'll come back and edit some sense into it someday!)

the return of ralph

When I was in Japan, I was super stressed out all of the time. One time while joking with a friend on the phone about my nausea, he told me I should name it. So I knighted my nauseated state Ralph. Ralph because it's what I constantly felt like doing.

My brother makes fun of my uptight, high-strung nature... as if I chose to be wound this way! So Ralph is over for it looks like for at least a week-long visit. Sleep goes out the window when I feel this way. It's a vicious cycle.

I was waxing on to the Chief about it. She simply asked, "What's got you worried?"

Well it all started with R, the SMS art teacher, made an off-handed comment about me being unemployed next year, sitting at home unable to pay my bills. (I really think he said it in a joking manner.) This doubt has really taken root and thrived. And it has functioned as a gateway doubt for all my other dormant doubts and worries. For instance, I was sure I was going to get that part-time job as a SAT tutor, which paid well; I haven't heard from them. I have followed up. Gas prices are up. I have six weddings to attend, which is another of my personal rat holes of worry and doubt. I swear negative thoughts and emotions travel around in gangs with their little neuro-nunchucks and emotional brass knuckles. Hello, Ralph and your friend Insomnia!

When I spent so much quality time with Ralph in Japan, I prayed the Psalms of Ascent over and over again. I'd written a paper on Psalm 130 De Profundis for Darrell Johnson. Little did I know when I wrote it how much that research would serve and comfort me. The prayers are beautiful and articulate better than I ever could.

I need to remember and practice Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." This verse would make me puke except it's coming from Paul who is writing from prison and who has led a pretty tough life. He knows from experience and this whole letter is filled with his love for this people.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Wish me luck.

ode to reepicheep: review of Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I waited until I'd reread the book because it had been a long time. I'm glad I did-- it helped me appreciate the movie. Voyage of the Dawn Treader (VDT) is a poignant little ditty. Several scenes are breath-taking. CSL has a knack for coming up with simple, concrete symbolism to explain incredibly complex, esoteric ideas. For instance, Eustace the Dragon trying to rub off his skin and Aslan taking over and cutting deep and hurting Eustace in order for him to become human. However, CSL falls short with delivery and presentation. He's a brilliant chef who serves his french cuisine on dusty paper plates. Lewis's ideas are enjoyable, but he doesn't get mired down with smooth transitions or integrating different threads of story throughout the books. Perhaps he'd been seduced by the deus ex machina of the stories he'd studied. Early literature isn't overly concerned with plausibility. My uncle pointed out that although he prefers the Chronicles of Narnia that JRR Tolkien writes a far tighter and more integrated story. CSL's stories are highly imaginative and scantily clad biblical theology.

The movie is very different from the book in chronology and has fewer scenes. However, the movie tightens the story line by introducing the "green mist" as the overarching conflict. Furthermore, the movie introduces a reason for sailing by collecting the swords of the seven lords to dispel the dreaded green mist and reclaim the Narnians that had been sacrificed to the evil. The movie takes many liberties with the book, but most are in line with the book. I really missed the part of Eustace becoming a dragon and slowly figuring out that he's the dragon that he's trying to escape-- it's funny and a great explanation of the doctrine of sin. And, the other scene near the end when Aslan tells Lucy and Edmond that they won't be back. The movie leaves out the part where Lucy tells Aslan that it is He that she will miss not Narnia.

However, the best part of VDT movie and book is Reepicheep, the valiant mouse who won't shut up. He's the most endearing character in the books! He has such a huge heart, which we see with kindness and gentleness with Eustace the Dragon. We see it again as he sings his song about Aslan's land. He is all about honor and friendship; he's a knight of the first order. He's extremely comfortable with himself and doesn't accept limitation and cowers to no one or no circumstance. It's such a beautiful scene when Lucy finally gets to hug him.

the 8 mile race that was actually nine miles

Last Thursday I went to pick up my race packet at the running store. I asked the lady at the counter, "May I get my race packet?" She replied, "Which race?"
I answered, "The eight mile."
She raised her eyebrow, "The nine-mile race?"
"Sure, the nine-mile race."

This misunderstanding foreshadowed the entire course of the race. Ye gods, I even got lost going to the site... and it's on my way to work! I went the wrong direction on 485. It was very cold, which was fine. We all know the weather is no one's pet monkey. However, what was not fine is that I didn't wear enough clothes. The bagels and the cookies they that were out at the end of the race were crunchy... it was that cold. But my fellow racers were chipper and encouraging, which was much needed. The best part of the race: the sweatshirt!


Despite the adverse conditions, Saturday reminded me I do like trail running-- it's a lot of fun! Even if I completely suck at it! I always in a Lord of the Rings kind of a mood. I kind of expect to happen upon a hobbit or some other woodling creature. I bought a parking pass so that I can come back and practice.

After the race I went to my cousin's basketball game which she played the last period in which she told off a player on the other team. I was proud of her because the ref wasn't calling the foul. She wasn't rude but very straight forward. She's got some spunk in her. Then my uncle and I went to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We also were complete goobers and tried all the samples at Dean & Deluca then proceeded to go out and get burgers.

Later I filled out a survey that a Regent friend sent out about singles and church. It stirred up a lot of emotion that I normally avoid. Church and Christian circles are definitely the hardest places to be single. I'm not self-conscious at work or around my high school or college friends. But, around Christians, singleness feels like affliction. She's writing several articles at her blog: The Purse. She might even use some of my experiences but she'll cloak them with a pseudonym. But I think the frankness I treated her questions took a toll on me.

This afternoon I went to lunch with four people after church. It was both lovely and awkward. Small talk isn't my strong suit. Large talk, silly talk, and self talk are my specialties. I came home exhausted and thoroughly disheartened (I can't pinpoint why). I burrowed in my bed to no avail. Finally I got up and started writing my cover letter for a teaching position I'd really enjoy. I'm getting ready to cook my sister's vegan recipe for sweet potato and barley chili, spaghetti sauce and eggs and sausage. I'm gearing up for the week. The icky emotions are dissipating with the application of the good ol' Protestant work ethic. Busy does function as anesthesia.

Recently I've been engaging in activities that are excellent lessons in self-knowledge: the running, church, bible study, teaching. I'm getting schooled in my emotional, psychological and moral weaknesses. Before Randy's sermon on Sodom and Gomorrah this morning, he said the point of the this story and sermon was to highlight the profundity and necessity of the cross-- to combat what Bonhoeffer called cheap grace and Willard renamed costly faithlessness. My practical atheism is definitely under attack.

classic housemate exchange

After over an hour of conversation, I say, "There's definitely an internal logic in your thought process."
My housemate replies, "Thank you. That means a lot coming from you."

bible study

I've been waffling about my bible study but no more. The women are absolutely darling. I know that sounds fake and sentimental, but I promise I'm being neither. The women are very much themselves. This means I have a lot in common with a couple and with others next to nothing. My "least Southern Southerner" aspect comes out, especially when dealing with theology.

We discussed Hagar, Ishmael, and circumcision, which made for very interesting conversation. The Bible is incredibly odd and interesting. I feel the most skeptical in the group-- I have to say "Hold up-- that's more than a little weird." What really threw me this study is when Yahweh comforts Hagar by telling her she'll have numerous descendants and her son will be a wild donkey of a man who will constantly fight with others. She replies that Yahweh sees her. The whole interaction seems disjointed and not very believable. I need to read some commentary to make sense of it. Usually I can follow where the people are coming from, especially when they make bad decisions that make you cringe. Yep, I can identify with that. What mom would be excited to be told her son would be a wild donkey of a man?

But, I'm reading through the Pentateuch right now and I'm overwhelmed with God's choice. He's amazing, gracious, personal, truthful, powerful, humble. He's present in Abram's and Sarai's history. He knows them and loves them. The Bible doesn't seem to gloss over the characters' flaws. I love Sarai laughs when Yahweh says she'll have a son... and then she denies it. Abram believes Yahweh about having a son, but then ask for clarification about the land ("So God, what I'm hearing is...). Yahweh seems painfully plainspoken in several conversations. Your offspring will be refugees and slaves and badly treated for 400 years, but the nation will be punished and they'll come out with bounty. Yahweh also seems very specific: the land specs, Sarah will have the baby within the year. Then, it seems like there are parts when he's vague and then later on clarifies.

This Bible Study is a lot like my running club. Reading my bible and running are different activities when alone and when in community. Community is both harder and more fun. There's less room for self-deception surrounded by others. I need these women and this study in order to grow more holy in the same way I need the running club people to grow faster. P.S. Last night's track workout kicked my butt and I did the fat-kid version pyramid (3miles) while most of the real runners did a 4 mile version.

January's Long Weekend

On Saturday the Chief and I visited two of her sisters/my aunts. The one convalescing wasn't even at home when we stopped at her condo. The little hobbit was at K&W. When she got back, she was game to going to Chapel Hill with us. I love Chapel Thrill! It's the best town in North Carolina, the United States and the World. I played around in the arboretum and walked down the brick sidewalks. I checked out extremely expensive sweatshirts that I cannot afford, which led me down a depressing spiral. My mom helped when she told my aunt the hobbit: "Susan's bonus was more than Joy's salary." Awesome. Rub it in. I buoyed my emotions by thinking: I'm not coming back to my job next year. But I could replace my UNC hat that I lost white water rafting three years ago. Plus, I ate a guacamole taco and a steak taco at Armadillo Grill.

On Sunday MJ and I went to Renovatus' 11:30 service. Wow. I am so not a hipster (that I even use "hipster" verifies this statement). But, the testimony and sermon did tackle porn in a straight-forward way. I will give the church that. I was impressed with that.

I watched Country Strong with Gwyneth Paltrow. It was a lot better than I thought it would be. I liked it. It was definitely a chick flick-- there were three guys in the entire theater. It'd be a great place to pick up a girl for any single guy.

I discussed botox with several people. I got a resounding no from all parties-- and there was a range.

I made beef stew from the meat I bought from the local farm. I finished readingThe Hunger Games and Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I ran twice. I'm ready to go back to school.

calendars are a lie!

This week has been delightfully offbeat. Today was a lovely, unexpected kind of day following completely in line with the others. Maybe it's the shiny snow that refuses to melt away. Maybe it's how my week turned out very differently than I anticipated, reminding me how magical and mysterious the future really is. My life isn't measured out in teaspoons, Mr. Prufrock... or little calendar boxes.

Maybe in lieu of the perfect little square boxes, calendar makers should shape divvy up the days of a month like puzzle pieces. No two days the same size or shape to remind us how special Tuesday, January 11, 2011 really was. The blank or metered-out rectangle of a normal calendar gives an illusion of control and boredom. That the days are little dominoes in a row to fall neatly one after the other.

Not that there isn't rhythm and meter in a week. Ritual and repetition are lovely and necessary. I'm not proposing eliminating Monday mornings or Thursday afternoons, but to celebrate them in the same manner the Mad Hatter celebrates unbirthdays. He's right, you know, unbirthdays are rather splendid days.

Maybe I should designate all unbirthdays that fall on Mondays "celebrate a friend" day and write or call one of my friends to tell them how he or she sparkles. Tuesday could be "celebrate a word day" and I could pick a word of the day to run into the ground-- or to say with an accent-- or I could blog it over and over again like "maybe" in this entry. Wednesday could be "celebrate food", and I could decide to eat 100 french fries or to savor a bowl of my delicious pumpkin curry soup. Thursday could be "celebrate music" day, and I could choose a genre or sing along or dance around in my socks. Friday could be "celebrate silly" day and make fun of my ridiculous self all day long or wear a feather in my hair or something else to let people know that my eyes twinkle even when I sleep. Saturday could be "celebrate small tasks" day and turn vacuuming into a game or dish washing into fun. Sunday could be "celebrate rest" day, and I could take a long, luxurious nap!

These are just examples. I could just as easily celebrate running or weather. Imagine how different my mornings would be if I considered inclement weather as adventure instead of imposition. We have a good and gracious God worth celebrating-- and so is his creation. Maybe I need to recalibrate my attitude from complaining and cynical jabs to little outbursts of wonder and awe of the amazing, zany, and exciting things that happen in a day. I get so focused on a door slamming that I don't even feel the orange light of the sunrise streaking through the window. Instead I let the the slam echo in my ears instead of stare in awe at the gorgeous day dawning. I'm so sure I know how my life is going to turn out. God must laugh and shake his head.

For instance today I went into a hen house and rooted around for eggs and talk about African versus Italian bees. Like I saw that coming. Plus I took the verbal section of the SAT and read really interesting excerpts about the fundamental physics. Who saw that coming to someone in her thirties? This was no boring calendar slab. Celebrate surprise! Celebrate strange! Celebrate failed plans!

"Inception"

On my trip from Guayaquil, Ecuador to Trujillo, Peru via the most dangerous border crossing in South America, I sat beside the coolest Indian kid ever. He had just graduated from university and worked for 8 months at a crap job living at home in order to save to go on a trip with his friends to South America. We talked for about 6 hours then finally drifted off to sleep. He told me about the Salt Flats in Bolivia and about the rain forest. I told him about the Galapagos and staying with my friend's family. We talked about his future: did he want to go to law school or not-- was it worth the debt? I talked about my love-hate relationship with teaching. And we talked movies. He told me that one thing that got him excited about going back was that he was going to get to see Inception. Apparently all his friends were blasting Facebook with how fabulous it was. Then this week another friend posted that "Inception was a total mind bomb." Finally I was at a RedBox at the Wal-Mart in Gastonia the day before the snow. They had it; I rented it.

Warning: there may be spoilers.

I watched it two nights in a row. It reminds me of Shutter Island-- it's the Funhouse mirrors psychological thriller genre. It's the questionable narrator issue, which is fun. And trippy and, at times, annoying. It was definitely entertaining and well-acted. Most of the characters were likeable.

The movie plays with how dreams function, and, consequently, how thieves can steal ideas-- or in this case, plant ideas. There were multiple story lines, which makes sense given the format of a dream within a dream within a dream. The two main ones for me was for Cobb to succeed in planting the idea in Fischer and for Ariadne to help Cobb defeat Mal/subconscious.

What struck me the most were the metaphors of the characters' names: Dom Cobb, Arthur, Mal, Ariadne, Eames, Yosef, Fischer, Phillipa and Luke. These two short articles Impose's article and Technorati's article give you a break down of the meaning.

It's engaging and entertaining. It raises a lot of interesting issues. Different scenes and connections have been popping into my head all day.

The line that struck me the most was one that Eames said to Arthur as he pulled out a grenade launcher: "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." Arthur had been trying unsuccessfully to fend off bad guys with a rifle.

This quotation struck me because it's a) hilarious and b) true. I so often settle for a far smaller and duller life than God has called me. Obedience and holiness is daring to dream a little bigger. Prayer, hope, love and faith are daring to dream a little bigger. So often we let marketers tell us what to want and how we should let ourselves be defined.

The second most important quotation came while they were discussing how to plant the idea into Fischer's mind. They'd already discussed that for an idea to stick they'd have to translate it into emotion. Cobb goes on to say: "I think positive emotion trumps negative emotion every time."

This quotation struck me as a teacher and a friend. I need to keep this in my mind when I want to reach someone, including myself. It reminds me of the idea of always making decisions out of a place of consolation instead of desolation.

Here's a list of quotations from Inception.

There are definitely parts of the movie that are contrived. But the fight scene without gravity trumps the Couching Tiger Hidden Dragon scenes... or at least matches it. It's worth seeing if for just the idea of layered dreams. I'd like to own this movie when it becomes affordable. So five months after the coolest Indian kid ever planted the idea of watching the movie, I saw Inception.

I just found this article "The Age of Austerity?"! It's incredibly thought-povoking. I agree with what he's saying, but it causes in me the same kind of angst that reading Wendell Berry does because I leave feeling "But how do we get there?"

hospitality

I love my (new) church! It's been years since I've felt at home, but now I do. This isn't to say that this church is easy, but that the Spirit is at work... and I'm experiencing it!

I have come to the realization that I need liturgy to worship. People complain that it becomes mere ritual, but for me the familiar words set apart the time and space as something holy. The words and the movements provide a spiritual muscle memory of transformation and openness. Saying the collect for purity: "Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hidden, cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit,… that we may perfectly love you, and worthily magnify your holy Name; through Christ our Lord. Amen." helps prepare my heart. It helps me enter true reality beyond the news and my job-- the beyond aspect to my everyday life. It isn't that this "beyond" in any way decreases the reality of every day, but it's an additional dimension that's impossibly easy for me to dismiss a lot of the time.

The church celebrates Eucharist every Sunday, and I need that too. A reminder that my communion with God is guaranteed by something far more sure than my sputtering, half-hearted good works and of my new identity in Christ-- my sin no longer defines me. Furthermore, I love to watch the procession of people as they head towards the bread and wine-- the equality of the young and old, rich and poor before the cross. But most of all, I appreciate that it's not a weekly funeral for Jesus, but a reminder of what love is and who our God is. Love has nothing to do with Hallmark's sentimentality, and our God is far more wild and beautiful and humble than a heavenly Santa Claus.

The preaching causes me to think and to reorient and to pray. Randy's sermons keep on going well into the week; I have to process them. Here is quite possibly my favorite:Hospitality Toward God. It's the ninth one in the Abraham series and was given December 19th; sorry, I couldn't get the link more precise. It's brilliant and multi-faceted. It's simple yet dramatic in how it builds momentum. And it helps that my book club had just discussed a book on hospitality, and I have to say Randy's sermon had far more impact on me. If you don't have time to listen to the whole thing-- skip to the last part.

My audience

When I write my blog, it's with several friends in mind. People who either started the idea or I'd chat about it over dinner except that they live thousands of miles away from me-- or are busy with two kids and a job-- or with a farm and a parish. And it's for friends. My brother and sister passionately refuse to read it and finding it eludes my mom.

I've been entirely too much time on Facebook the past couple of weeks collecting friends from high school and Regent. I went to school with amazing people. People who were on the team that designed the Chevy Volt, live in Niger, write and publish books, make movies and music, live in Haiti, compete in Iron mans, design their clothes, start their own businesses, get a PhD and move to HK. At points I feel like asking "who doesn't belong?" would be a rhetorical question. It makes me think of that iconic Groucho Marx quotation: I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Here's a picture of the friend that probably pops the most to my mind as I write. If you're thinking, is she being funny? Then, chances are this friend is laughing. She also prompts a lot of my thinking-- giving me ideas I have to live with a long time. I always have somebody in mind when I write whether it's a TDL (me), lesson plans (students), journal (God). I keep writing at the process level, I rarely bother to reach towards the product level, which is a failing. I read a friend's blogHaiti's Jesus today that made me stop and pray. There's no comparison between his product and mine. I should have decency to shut this chop shop down. But, no. Chop, chop. I have friends to read and improve upon my garble.

first running club run

My brilliant intro into the world of club running! At 7am this morning, I ran for the first time ever with a running club. Yea, it wasn't inspired... at all. (I might as well have been chewing on a snack.) But I finished the 8 miles. I was the weak link of the four girls. It hurt.

The pathetic run exhilarated me the rest of the day; there's plenty of room for improvement. This running club goal will be easy to meet, I think. The ladies were super nice-- too nice.

the lasso

This afternoon a boy walked into class with this round fabric bag with handles and set it down on the reading chair in the back.

I asked, "Is that your drum?"
The boy stared at me then said, "Nah, it's my rope."

He proceeded to unzip the bag and get out a blue rope and demonstrate that it was not only a rope but a lasso. I told him he'd have to put it up until Show & Tell. Of course, my slower kids looked around asking, "We have Show & Tell?" So at the end of a long 90 minute class (they lost their break), I told the kid he could show me his lassoing skills after bus riders were dismissed if he could find a willing participant.

I teach 7th grade, so it wasn't hard for him to find a guinea pig or, in this case, a bull. So, from 3:10 to 3:30 he practiced throwing his rope without a human target in the back of the room. He kept muttering, "It ain't coiling right."

Finally the announcement was made: "All remaining bus riders please report to the cafeteria." Four boys and I headed out to the grass outside my classroom. Lasso Boy instructed the other boys on the proper way they should run so he could lasso them.

They ran, and he critiqued,"Pick up your feet more." Or "A little slower."

And, I asked the boys running, "Are you sure you want to do this?"
They nodded their heads.

I asked the lasso boy, "You're not going to make them fall, are you?"
He responded, "I'll try not to."

There were about ten failed attempts before he successfully lassoed a kid's left foot. I told him, "I was losing faith, but now I believe you." He smiled, "It weren't coiling right."

free online help for reaching 2011 goals

1. Budgetsimple.com is a free website that's easy enough for me to use. It has a spreadsheet that you design. I did accidentally erase one of my monthly budgets, but I blame that on me not the website.

2.loseit.com is a website that lets you track your food and your exercise. There are pull-down menus. I'm sure the calories aren't exact, but I was impressed with how specific the choices are. With running, you can get within 30 seconds of your pace. And, with food an ounce or an 1/8 cup. There are graphs. And, you can have friends (so if you're a member or join-- friend me!). It's kind of fun.

3. christianvolunteering.org is a site I found on idealist.org that's geared towards (you guessed it!) Christian organizations. I ended up emailing a prison ministry for teenage girls that's really nearby. It's once a week 4:45-6pm-- very doable.

If you have any good resources you want to share, please put them in the comments!

results unimpressive

I woke up in the middle of the night to find that it was three minutes before my alarm was to sound. I felt both relief and anguish. The first day back was rougher than I had anticipated due to my students being awake and happy to see one another.

My "seek the good" at work was sorely tested by both printers being out of toner (they were out of toner before we left for Christmas) and a student saying about Greek mythology, "This is stupid. When am I ever going to USE Greek mythology!" What a bizarre and depressing idea: using a story. It's such a consumer mentality. I guess I consider ideas and stories on the same plane as friends-- there's an intrinsic value and usefulness even if you don't get to use them per se.

It's so much easier to be holy when reading theology than when teaching middle school. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of the weight and awesomeness of my students' souls, but a lot of the time they feel like punks. I wanted to ask three kids in my last class, "Why did you bother showing up to school today? Seriously, why did you bother?" I refrained.

My mom reminds me that I have no idea what they went through over break, which is true. Some of these kids have rough lives. It's just that I wish they wouldn't fight me on everything. One kid yelled at me at least five times-- I didn't send him out because that's precisely what he wanted. Most of the other students are to the point with him they just roll their eyes. I'm perfecting what my mom refers to as the "flat affect". I don't raise my voice; I just repeat myself like a broken record until I get what he wants. I was not very loving today; but, at least I didn't yell.

My students' journal entry was a minimum of five goals for 2011. I told them the more specific the better. Some of them took it seriously.

I also found out that I'm eligible for some loan forgiveness by teaching at my school; however, I have to teach for five years. I don't think the tax free 5k is worth that price. Teaching students that don't want to be in school drains a teacher. Teaching in a school system that doesn't value learning and thought puts a strain on a teacher as well. This job would wear Richard Simmons down.

My highlight of the day came at the expense of breaking one of my goals: I went out to eat with my mom and brother. But, it was worth it. We talked about Medusa and cuties. There's just something to be said for shared history.

Goals for 2011

At first I titled it "2011 Goals", then I realized that even the most hearty of readers would be turned off by that, and I'd have to accomplish about five goals a day for a year. I'd be exhausted. The goals are for me, but I'm blogging them as a form of accountability. I'll probably revisit this post at my birthday and other junctures. Pointers and encouragement are welcome.

My goals are categorized:

Health:
1. To run a race a month or a total of 12 races for the year. The race must be a minimum of a 10k to count.
2. To join a running club or run with a group at least once a week.
3. No fast food.
4. Mostly vegetarian but with a focus on clean eating-- local and not processed. I'm more interested in reducing sweeteners than I am in meat.
5. No soda and reduced caffeine.

Vocation:
1. Find a job for next September-- be open to opportunities beyond my search.
2. Be intelligent, active and faithful in my job search. Consider it work-- set mini goals (like applying to certain schools by certain dates).
3. Refrain from being negative at my present job-- consider all my frustrations to be incentive for finding a new job.
4. Write 15 blog posts a month. Come up with a more organized, categorized formula for the posts.
5. Write the book I've been thinking about (work on it for a minimum of 5 hours a week and produce a minimum of 250 double spaced, 12 font pages).

Summer:
A. Volunteer in some cool local and journal
or
B. Work and save money while training for some cool race.

Faith:
1. Attend Sunday worship weekly.
2. Be a member of a Bible study or Community group and attend weekly.
3. Have a set daily quiet time-- try for two (a main and a mini).
4. Practice Lent.
5. Read a theology book at least once a month-- and blog about it.
6. Listen.

Financial:
1. Write a budget down.
2. Use cash.
3. Live in the black (spend less than I make)
4. Find additional income (tutoring, second job: bookstore, Starbucks, REI, etc)
5. Cook. Eat out at most twice a week (once at EarthFare).
6. Come up with alternative ways to hang out with friends and meet people that don't cost money.
7. Not buy new clothes.

Intellectual:
1. Read 40 books this year.
2. Write.
3. Listen.

Happiness:
1. Catch up with at least one long distance friend a week via phone, snail mail or email. This vacation reminded me how formative and nurturing friends are.

Essentially, I want to live with more intention. I want to be less hurried and not procrastinate.

back to the grind... and all is grist

It's not possible! I'm not going back to work tomorrow! As I gaze out the window, I'm fixated by the rain drops lined up along the electrical wire outside my window. Some look ripe to drop, and the little kid in me wants to watch.

The ordinary raindrops have my ugly black wire into art. The gray and brick background and the white blinds in the foreground display the sparkle of the rain drops. This train of rain drops has been a good reminder of how God works every day. I want a flashy miracle to help me rise above the mundanity. Instead, God brings two commonplace things (rain and wire) together into a temporary piece of art. I can't even grow numb to or tired of its simple beauty. Ah, juxtaposition. There are the human and natural aspect of creation and others too.

And, finally the juxtaposition of holiday and work. Each little raindrop/day of my holiday has plopped off the wire and left me with work tomorrow. I'm dreading the 5:40am alarm! But I will be glad to see my fellow teachers and my students. No doubt my students will be as sleepy as I will be. The first day back from a holiday is usually calm; seventh graders are still asleep. My beautiful, restful holiday will be converted into a little smooth stone of a memory that I can pick up every now and then.