Tuesday, October 30, 2012

psychopaths and literature, sin and thinking, oh, my

I came across two articles that left me wide awake on http://www.aldaily.com, the website I go to when I fancy a little intellectual engagement.

The Psychopath Makeover has a brilliant start but loses steam after the article goes into the author being analyzed and receiving experiments (speaking of narcissism).  The author follows research that links psychopathy to the decline of reading literature and the empathy and concentration that reading exercises.  This angle is interesting and important but incomplete.  I would like to see a study of the relationship of growing psychopathy and the decline of the Christian faith and the rise of secularism.  I think so much of what the article discusses is actually a demonstration of secularized Christianity: when there is no God, no sin, no Jesus, no Scripture as moral authority, then we're left with psychological disorders and neural science.  The questions determine the boundaries and dimensions of the answers.

"College kids today are about 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts of 20 or 30 years ago," Konrath reports.
"More worrisome still, according to Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, is that, during this same period, students' self-reported narcissism levels have shot through the roof. "Many people see the current group of college students, sometimes called 'Generation Me,' " Konrath continues, "as one of the most self-centered, narcissistic, competitive, confident, and individualistic in recent history."
"Precisely why this downturn in social values has come about is not entirely clear. A complex concatenation of environment, role models, and education is, as usual, under suspicion..."

Why think in terms of God and sin when there are endless solutions that the soft sciences can provide? Last week I had a rather long conversation with a dear friend who explained to me how there evil is a figment of my imagination.  The problems are a calculus involving class structure (not greed), education (not moral but academic). His argument made complete sense to him.  His argument scared me, leaving me speechless.  When I finally collected my emotions and thoughts enough to form a couple of coherent sentences, I told him that I wasn't smart enough to understand him, and that his argument did not fit my experience of reality.  That anyone can say that genocide, that child abuse, that slavery, that greed isn't evil is beyond my imagination.

Some of the people at International Justice Mission were explaining that they begin the gospel message with: "You don't deserve this.  How you are being treated is wrong."  Evil and destruction are wrong not imaginary in my way of thinking.  This is where the gospel begins-- not with Jesus walking around in flip flops teaching love as if it is some emotional high.  The love Jesus preaches is heavy and expensive.  It's not about our self-esteem; it's about how completely incapable we are of saving ourselves.

But, the more I think about it, dismissing evil in the world and our hearts is reasonable in a logical system that doesn't include God. My friend is wonderful and kind and even goes to church.  Our society and culture is at an interesting point.  Rights have usurped the call to charity. Tolerance has replaced discussions of right and wrong.  Tolerance is a cheap, generic version of grace that skirts any really issues and absolves personal responsibility. Video games are replacing books. We don't believe in God.  We gage our lives by what we buy, what we look like and how we keep ourselves entertained.  It's come to a point it's easier to believe in the absence of evil than in the reality of sin.  Sometimes I feel a little crazy when I talk about deep stuff with people.  I wonder if we're talking about the same thing. As Wendell Berry wrote: "To be sane in a mad time/ is bad for the brain, worse/ for the heart."


Literature is not Data made me say, "Yes!" I had another discussion/sparring match with another friend about Scripture.  (I like to bicker with my friends about esoteric stuff. Why not, right?)  He said he was a devout Christian until he read the Oxford Annotated Bible, which killed his God and his faith.  I think the author puts his finger on what leaves me so uneasy about so much of research surrounding Biblical Studies-- and what I failed to articulate in my side of the debate.  He says, "Literature cannot meaningfully be treated as data. The problem is essential rather than superficial: literature is not data. Literature is the opposite of data."

Reductivism makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.  It sucks the beauty, joy, and life out of anything, leaving the colorless, tasteless, pointless leftovers carefully graphed meticulously in black and white.  Literature mirrors life in the important stuff: there's mystery beyond us.  We're never going to understand the in's and out's of everything... and that's not a problem.  It's a glorious fact.  There's more to reality than can be explained in an equation.  There's more to me than my socio-economic background, my chemical makeup, my cultural influences, my impulses.

Both of these articles support my reading habit.  Reading is glorious, but it made me weigh what I read and how I read more.  I'm very democratic in reading material.  But, maybe I need to weight Scripture more highly (or at least more frequently), reading Bible Intake as Discipline yesterday led me to think that this discipline is the key to the right view of reality-- it provides the proper scale and the "invisible" characters and forces at hand.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

"doubt"

To deny the existence of God may... involve less unbelief than the smallest yielding to doubt of His goodness. I say yielding; for a man may be haunted with doubts, and only grow thereby in faith. Doubts are messengers of the Living One to the honest. They are the first knock at our door of things that are not yet, but have to be understood.... Doubt must precede every deeper assurance; for uncertainties are what we first see when we look into a region hitherto unknown, unexplored, unannexed.     -George MacDonald (Unspoken Sermons, Series 2, The Voice of Job)

*******

George MacDonald mentored CS Lewis through his writing.  The great Scot was formative in the Brit's  thought and spiritual life.  They were kindred spirits.

It's so humbling to think these guys are the communion of saints we are called to take part.  What would I do to share a beer with these guys or amble down a dirt road jabbering away.

*******

I shared my faith a week ago with an atheist.  It's been a long time since I've flat-out had a conversation about Jesus with a non Christian.  I'll talk vaguely about my faith but this was more than vague.  My friend honored me and I him as we discussed how we'd wrestled with God and the conclusions we'd earned. It was a beautiful, brutally honest conversation.

He's a keen guy that's lived a hard life.  I have more respect for his atheism than I have for a complacent Christianity.  I felt a lot of freedom in knowing that God can stand up to any scrutiny including his.  The conversation was also a reminder of how we can hide our hurt within the bounds of reason and logic.  It reminded me of John Donne's "Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue" in "Batter My Heart".  

I firmly believe what this friend needs more than anything is Jesus.  

Saturday, October 27, 2012

for the ache

"What to do with bits of string"

We are expert at extraction, making
something out of something else.
A cat's cradle for the kids. A rag rug.
A torn apart loaf for Eucharist or turkey stuffing.
We take traces of a fractured dream
and devise a plot for a new novel.

Old tires make for resilient highways.
I have a friend who rips out worn sweaters
for new scarves. Women in Africa
roll magazine pages into beads,
varnishing them for sale in other worlds,
jewels from junk. I love to rescue river stones
and beach shells for ornaments on
my window sills. They cost nothing.

Try it yourself. See what lovely new thing
you can make from what is common
and discarded. Including your own life.
Call it recycling. Whatever. Call it renewal
and you're getting at the heart of it. 
                                                  -Luci Shaw




Thursday, October 25, 2012

the eight-mile apple and half a lunch

The Prelude

I drove up to Brevard yesterday afternoon to visit a friend.  The drive was perfection: 75 degrees, sunshine, blue sky, bluegrass, windows down, no traffic.  The leaves were peaking: deep red, orange and yellow.  Total bliss!

My friend and his wife have a beautiful property.  A trout pond, modern house, garden, etc.  It was enough to make the hippest hippy reconsider materialism.  We traipsed around the property, fed the trout, saw the waterfall.  They own a waterfall, but not a big waterfall as he was quick to point out.

We sipped beer out of the bottles and thoroughly enjoyed the polarity of our views regarding 98% of the entire universe.  My talking with Richard is whatever the inverse of preaching to the choir is.

I also thoroughly enjoyed his viscous spaghetti sauce and his insanely large portions.  They were even too large for me, which made me feel almost dainty.

The night became even lovelier when his wife arrived home.  She's the ideal of the southern lady-- all the good stereotypes: genteel and gracious.  Soft-spoken.  Slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to anger. Et cetera.   She's so lovely I don't even feel my rough edges.

The Hike

The next morning, after a breakfast of cranberried oatmeal, coffee and freshly squeezed tangerines, Richard and I set out for a hike in Panthertown Valley near Cashiers.  We met up with the hiking group on the edge of a huge parking lot.  Everybody was retired except for me, which was kind of relaxing.

We set out on our five-mile hike.  It was lovely scenery and a total of 17 people-- lots of conversation partners.  Everybody liked talking about my teaching, and I felt a little censure for quitting by some.  Whatever.  But, there was this one guy.  He introduced himself in the parking lot, and I explained I knew Richard because we'd taught together, he asked me what I taught.  I said English and History. When we fell in step on the hike, started talking Japan.  But, we quickly moved to the Punic Wars and Scipio, the greatest Roman general.  I have no idea why, but we became a conversational island as soon as we started talking Roman military strategy.  It boggles the mind really.  Scipio first fought with the short sword in Hispania, and he doubled the centuries.  It's all about the genius of the tweak.  (Okay, it's slightly more involved than that.)  Then we moved on to the Duke of Wellington and Queen Victoria.  It was an amazing conversation.  I won't tease you anymore with more of the awesomeness. I was kind of glad that our guide got lost and turned our hike into 8 miles.

Lunch: I forgot to pack anything: my water bottle, food, etc.  I ended up packing my running clothes because my super-cool hiking pants were missing the left leg.  So, they were no longer super-cool.  So, I was terribly unprepared.  Richard said no matter.  He had his lunch from his Monday hike left over, he'd share it with me.  So, I thought it was a peanut-butter and jelly.  No, no.  It was a peanut butter and banana.  A dark beige, gelatinous banana and natural peanut butter that had separated.  I was so hungry that it didn't even occur to me to pinch off the truly suspect pieces of banana-- say, the translucent gray parts.  It was even tasty.

But, I have to say when the lady offered a bite of her apple in the backseat, I eagerly accepted.  It was a huge bite, but I was really near Transylvania County.  Afterwards, I told Richard that somebody sharing her apple with me really set the bar for sharing-- as did half a lunch on an 8 mile hike.  I mean, maybe sharing your soup with somebody using a single spoon would be the next step.  But, that's kind of amazing.  I didn't know the lady, but she was that friendly.  She was a native North Carolinian.

I highly recommend going on a hike with a bunch of retired people.  It's really interesting and inspiring.  Hiking behind a spry 83 year-old makes getting old not seem so bad. Plus, you might strike up a conversation with someone who's fluent Japanese and well-versed in the Punic Wars.  And, people will share their lunch, their water and their delicious, local, Fuji apple with you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

the bliss of sunshine, thank you's, and puns

Turns out that I'm a simple soul.  Really, truly simple.

Kindergarten math simple.

Just add water simple.

Phonetically-spelled simpul.

I know you're thinking, "Dude, I loved nap time and recess!"

But, there's a down side of my simplicity:

The mean reds.

(In case you didn't go through the obligatory Breakfast at Tiffany's phase, here's the the clip.)

On Saturday, the most dreadful people berated me on the phone..., and I let it get to me.

This ornery octogenarian (who'd apparently misplaced his dentures) told me how utterly useless I am... and slow... and several other things I couldn't make out.  I really wanted to lash out with something biting like "At least I know how to enunciate," and that's when I realized it's fairly easy to tune out somebody you have to strain to understand.

Then this stack of mistakes appeared on my desk.  I'd signed each one of them.  It took a lot of time to fix my mistakes-- mistakes I made because I paid attention in training.  And, the ornery guy and the mistakes of course took away from my call total, which is your gage of self respect.


The upside: grins and giggles

As yucky as my day was, going outside saved me.  I escaped the cubicle and day that kept getting cruddier and cruddier.  There's something magical about fresh air, sunshine, and walking.  Feeling the rays of sun revived me.  It reminded me that there was so much more than those jerks yelling at me and stupid mistakes. Maybe it was the vitamin D, or maybe it was God.  Or, maybe it was a combination.

Then, I got an email from some IT cog in my organization.  She forwarded me an email that some customer had written about me, reporting how awesome I was.  That one thank you unbruised my soul from my complaints.

Some people have a soul mate and/or a meaningful job that changes lives.  I have puns.  Like I said, I'm simple.  I came across: The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.  It was tense.

I giggled when I read it.  I giggled every time it crossed my mind.

Giggling is fun.  It's one of my under rated talents.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Best side: your left

Profile pic from 2007
A friend just wrote a really useful post: your-best-side.  After reading it, I analyzed my profile pics on FaceBook and concluded she's right.  Most of my favorites are from the left.  The study made me proud to be from North Carolina-- where we study stuff like this.  Seriously, I bet the study cost several million dollars.

And, I thought I need to write useful things.  Or at least somewhat entertaining. Or perplexing.

Today, I realized I'm fine with critiquing my life but take issue when others do it.  A guy I'm trying to help told me his problems were nothing compared to mine. That's a problem.

I also want to buy a camera and a house.  Let's just say a camera is outside my budget.  I think working at a bank is already impacting me.

I did yoga this morning with a lot of older women who are far more flexible than I am.  But, I feel better and more humble.

I met my mom and brother for brunch.  It was a good time.  We laughed.

In a conversation with a friend, I discovered I'm in the midst of an identity crisis but concluded it's only an issue when I think about it-- as are a lot of things.  Maybe, I need to become an alcoholic.  Or, I need to buy the camera and start taking pictures of my day-- to make my life feel more tangible and traceable.  Yes, that was a day I took a picture of the spoonerism on the church sign.  The camera will have a deep impact on my existential angst.  That's why I'm a fan of materialism.  One day, I'll finally purchase the item that will make my life worth living.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Curry and Casual Vacancy

All these ridiculously poetic (and/or silly) phrases are rushing through my mind in search of an audience.  I know it's time to write when the sentences are self-serving.  Seriously, I referred to last year as "an existential journey."  I think it's suitable description albeit a little hifalutin.  So, I need to let my little mental gerbil take a spin on his proverbial wheel.

I'm sure autumnal sunshine is on the ingredient list of happiness.

There's another one.  And, I think that would be an excellent exercise to write ingredient lists of my emotions: happiness, sadness, pensiveness.

Happiness: autumnal sunshine, laughing with a friend, fresh air, unconscious smiling, a spirit of inhibition and kindness, gratitude, bouncy energy, mug of coffee, comfy, colorful clothes...

It'll do.

This is the turn of phrase that best describes my job.  It's not the spiritual and intellectual pinnacle of my existence... at least I hope not.  But, I don't mind going... or leaving.  The people are interesting and polite. There's a lot to learn.  It's a lot easier than teaching.

The bonus to this okay job is that I have time and energy to do other things.

Like cook.  pumpkin curry with lentils and apples  Except I made it with acorn squash instead of pumpkin.  It's fantastic.  Very fall.  But, dear God, I'll never cut a raw acorn squash again.

Like read for fun.  I highly recommend Casual Vacancy. It's literature.  Keen insights into the human condition and fantastic sentences.  Even better than mine. (haha)  I'll review it when I finish it.

Like teach a class.  I'm getting ready to teach.

Like look for a part-time job substituting.

Like go hiking in the mountains next week.

Like work out.  Today I familiarized myself with the my options.  Maybe I'll be inspired to actually work out.

Like meet friends for lunch.  Multiple lunch dates.  Super nice.



I have a growing realization that life is hard and God is good.

If I were to condense my theology of right now, this would be the sentence.  It's neither poetic nor silly.   I used to think life should be easy.  Now I'm getting that it isn't.  I guess, it's a blessing that it's taken me this long to figure it out.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Comment dis tu "yeehaw" in Francais? Week 4, Day 1

Today was my first day actually doing my job.  'Twas a bit nerve wracking.  I naively thought today would be one more day to study and shore up my inadequacies. I was wrong. I'm glad that I had no idea today was the day because it would have ruined my weekend.

When my boss told me to sign onto the phone, I told him, "But, I have no idea what I'm doing."

He told me to come to his office.  So, we met in his office.  He asked, "What did you mean 'you don't know what you're doing'?"

I told him again with as much earnestness as I could muster, "I really have no idea what I'm doing."

"Be more specific," he told me.

"I don't know how to navigate the various systems. I don't even know what systems to pull up.  I'm going to fluster easily," I tried to explain.

My boss said, "Well, explain to your mentor what you need help on."  And, off I went.

I was so overwhelmed that I wasn't even scared.  When I was setting up in my mentor's cubicle, we chatted.  I confessed to him I was retarded when it came to this, and I was clueless.

He responded, "Of course you are. Everybody is when they start."

He spoke the precise words that I needed to hear.

So, he and another mentor joked with me as they helped me pull up the different programs I needed and do all my log-ons.   Then we did my first call, and it wasn't that bad.  The first couple of phone calls he did the majority of the computer work while I spoke with the member.  It was a really smart way to acclimate me.  I felt far more comfortable-- I now had a bungee cord as I plunged off the cliff.

By the end of the day, I actually took one call on my own.  It was successful.  The different programs started to make sense.  I sensed a flow, a logical rhythm in it.  The guys showed me short cuts and different (easier) ways to perform the same processes.

I had a really good time with the guys who mentored me.  They're my little brother's age.  So, I treated them as such.

Nobody was overtly rude to me.  Two people hung up on me when I told them I was unable to do what they wanted me to do... because it was illegal.  (I didn't say the illegal part.) My mentor told me that it's far better to be hung up on then to be yelled at.   I think I agree.  The members were really patient with me.

I was supposed to work out after work.  I met a friend for Mexican instead.