gratitude

Most of the day I felt sorry for myself. I was grumbling to myself as I cooked chili and no bake cookies for a family at church who just had a baby boy. I was thinking: why doesn't anybody cook for me? Grumble, grumble, grumble. What can you do besides hatch a kid to be worthy of some attention?

I was grumbling to my Aunt at dinner (china, crystal, candle, roast, roasted potatoes, salad, Cab Sav, etc.), and she pointed out that she'd cooked dinner for me. Touche. But, I take that for granted. How lucky am I? She does cook a lot of really good meals for me. She told me I need to keep a gratitude journal-- fair enough.

My mom took off from work today to deliver a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries to a janitor who is retiring. She drove 40 miles. He was a janitor at a school where she had worked over ten years ago; she felt he needed to be celebrated. She spent over fifty dollars on the ridiculous bouquet; she wanted it to be frivolous and over the top. How lucky am I to have a mom like that? A lot of people might do that for a boss, but a janitor?

My mom's friend spent about 3 hours with me this morning helping me set up a website for my "business". She has a Master's in Computer Science. Think how much money that would have cost if she'd charge me her fees?

And the ecstatic welcome I receive from my dog. What if I got that excited about seeing someone come home? Now that's the good life. Right now he's nuzzled up to me as I type. He keeps readjusting himself in order to get petted.

wisdom yoda has

*

Emotional mixed showers today was. Rain drizzled when my sister responded to me in a text: "You ca n't embarrass me" to a request I had made. I'd have been fine with a "no", but "embarrass" seemed a strong and unnecessary word choice. My brother told me that I'm being overly sensitive, and no doubt that's an aspect of it. I found this article "On Taking It Personally" about an hour later and applied it to my situation. Ergo, clearly, I'm a writer (thanks, Poor Logic). Rain cleared.

I met a teaching buddy for dinner tonight. It was good to chat (there are three teachers I really miss). And chat we did: religion, politics, and money because neither of us is couth. Of course, I got around to my "business plan", which everybody gets to eventually hear about if they get into a conversation with me. I told him the name, the idea, the niche. I don't think he was overly impressed; he seemed to think it was good stop gap, which wasn't what I wanted to hear. But, that's why I like him. Finally he gave me his advice in the form of a Yoda quotation: "Do or do not... there is not try."






* http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-yoda-halloween-costume.html

muchness report

*
The Mad Hatter: [to Alice] "You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." This quotation and the connected theme made the new Alice movie far more interesting, and Johnny Depp made it more sinister. I digress.

But, "muchness" is a very real attribute. I think this new business adventure is reinvigorating my muchness. I'm excited and energized. I'm researching, writing, planning, analyzing... all stuff I LOVE to do! And, it may pay off! I want to become a Slasher: tutor/personaltrainer/writer/entrepreneur/consultant. Boom.

I spoke with a good friend last night. He told me that I sounded the best that I have in a long while. He also said that there were no guarantees of success, but that didn't mean the idea isn't worth pursuing. He pointed out that I'd learn and grow and that I couldn't get more broke. And at worship, our pastor prayed that God would take away our fear and shame, and I realized that I need to pray for that every day-- to pray for my muchness.

I found some cheesy quotations that are deeply flawed, but I like them nonetheless. I'm tired of being risk adverse, and it's not helping me any. I think I'm trying to live a life that isn't mine. Maybe I can't get a job as a nanny or secretary or grocery store clerk because I'm supposed to be wrestling my way into entrepreneurship-- where nothing's safe or guaranteed and I'll always be very aware of that. I'll have to pray and trust God. Yikes.

Muchness is scary! It's overwhelming to feel the possible impact you can have as a human. Imago Dei: to feel the weight, grandeur, and humility of our humanness. It would fill me with ineffable gratitude, and I'd, consequently, be annoyingly positive. And, I am excited. It is an adventure that I can take. I don't have little kids or a mortgage. I don't have a job I could lose. I'm very free and have very little to lose. I don't even own a bed.

Therefore, friends, go be muchier--free of fear and shame!


Cheesy Quotations to Rouse One to Adventure NOW:

The future you see is the future you get. ~Robert G Allen

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. ~Maya Angelou

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. ~Zig Ziglar

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou

Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take risks, don’t wait! ~Misty Gibbs


*http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014759/

The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.

-William Blake

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.
George MacDonald


Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.
Plautus

She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.
Toni Morrison

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.
Thomas Aquinas

Accident

Last night I spent 45 minutes parked on an entrance ramp because of an accident. The ambulance had a hard time getting to the crash site. I was annoyed, irritated, irked. I could have reentered the freeway I was exiting if the cars behind me hadn't been driving so quickly. I could have taken another way and be home!

It took talking to my sister to realize I just avoided a major accident myself. I could have been seriously injured with a totaled car. I pointed out I couldn't afford to get hurt right now because I don't have health insurance. She pointed out that apparently I had a much better form of insurance than can be bought.

I get bent out of shape so easily and miss the big picture. Maybe one day my initial reaction will be to say, "Thank you, Jesus." But, then again, that'd require maturity and wisdom. These days, I get maturity and wisdom from outside sources, which is better than not at all. It's a good reminder all my rushing is rather pointless.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-- the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse." Philippians 4:7 (the message)

Expectation Exceeded: Fantastic

1
Last night I experienced Opera Carolina's Madama Butterfly, which far exceeded my expectations! Not to sound pretentious, Jun Kaneko's set and costumes were stunning. Several times "Wow!" escaped my lips. Kaneko truly used the space. I couldn't use my binoculars much because I wanted to see the entire stage.

2
I was expecting a cheesy, over-the-top love story. Instead, I got politics: American Imperialism, Orientalism, gender politics, socioeconomics. There's also the age old story of the naivete of a 15 year-old girl glossing over a multitude of obvious red flags-- Madama Butterfly, it so much easier to see what you want to see instead of what's there. I heard the tail-end of a lecture before the show, and the woman said this opera's themes could be distilled into "joy, love and pain." I didn't get that at all. What I came away with is how political and personal history intersect in very real ways. We are our culture, and our culture has deep imprints on our identities and attitudes. It is a love story full of joy and pain, but love stories aren't separate from macro-history. Also, the power of art and creativity is actually breath-taking. Amazing art, whether a poem, novel, mobile, sculpture, sonata, opera, painting, transfixes and transforms.

3
I've never been to an opera where the visual component was as powerful and integrated with the music. Puccini does flamboyance well. Kaneko complemented without competing with the music. I was truly engaged with the multi-sensory experience. My mind was busy taking in all the beauty and ideas. The performance was enchanting. I escaped all my worries and entered into this world of love, politics, and beauty.

4
The Mint has some of Kaneko's art on exhibition concurrently. Brilliant. He does minimalism so well. Apparently, ever since Kaneko designed this set and costumes it has been awing audiences throughout North America. And, I know why. Even if you don't like opera, you'd be hard pressed not to like this performance.


1. http://www.thedailypage.com/isthmus/article.php?article=24385 (stage)

2. http://magazine.creativecow.net/article/orchestrating-a-simple-wipe (death scene)

3. http://www.wfae.org/wfae/19_100_0.cfm?action=display&id=8157 (curtain)

4. http://www.locksgallery.com/news_item.php?nid=1 (vases)

Cautious Optimism

Joy is the most simple form of gratitude. Karl Barth

I've been methodically beating my head against the cliched brick wall. Performing the same task over and expecting a different outcome is a definition of insanity, and this has been the precise route my job search has taken. No wonder I'm feeling a little crazy. The most useful thing I've been doing during these months is praying for a solution, i.e. job.

Instead of a job, my sister suggested an idea that incorporates so many of the things I want to do and excel at (kids, creativity, teaching, learning, complexity, flexibility, exercise, autonomy). It would involve self-employment and several of my passions and things I have experience doing. In fact, it's borderline genius, and there doesn't appear to be anything like it... at least in this area.

But, there's a lot of work to get there. I'm not sure how it will all work; I'm going to have to do a lot of research. I'm going to have to figure out who to ask questions. I read that the highest vocabularies and IQs belong to entrepreneurs-- not scientists, doctors, professors (although technically some of those have become entrepreneurs). Just dipping my toe into the waters of this concept is making me believe this factoid. The intelligence fact is making realize how much help I'm going to need.

I'd really like to see if I could get it set up for the summer but definitely by the fall. I'm feeling the most excited I have in a while! This is making me feel gratitude for my quirky package of talents, temperament and experience instead of dread and a wtf mentality. However, the idea hit me the same day I went to a lecture on patience. Hmm.

out of order

Today I worked hard: kettle bells and running. When finished, I went directly to the steam room and lay down. It was really drippy so I just turned on my stomach. Then, it stopped pumping steam altogether. I stayed in there hoping it would come on and just relaxed. I'd been content to be on the carpet in front of my locker. Finally, I began to get a little cold. I walked out and I read the sign on the door: "Out of order" as I watched the little ole biddies in the sauna across the hall gawk at me. They must of thought I can't read, am stupid, or both. Oh well. Later, I told my mom and she said, "You should have gone into the men's." She then cackled.

my newest nemesis

The Kettlebell

Prologue:
I've been trying to work out at least ten hours a week. (Working out is the best thing I can do for morale these days.) And, my sister has hired a personal trainer. Those who don't know me may fail to make the automatic connection. Here are two clues: I'm thrifty and competitive. My sister has mentioned a lot of exercises some more interesting than others, but the kettlebell remarks got my attention because I did them one time before with a friend and liked them.

Story:
I showed up at a Total Strength class as a novice last Tuesday. The teacher announced, "We're doing kettlebells tonight." And, boy, did we. I was sore through Saturday, especially my legs. Needless to say, I went to another class today because I got so sore last week, which means I need MORE. They combine the weight work with cardio and abs. It's really fun because a) all exercises are timed with a max of 90 seconds (I can do anything for 90 seconds), b) there's a lot of jumping, c) you get to use momentum with the weights-- so they swing. My legs were trembling as I left. Not to mention the teacher came over three times to help me with my form. The teacher would have embarrassed me when I was in my twenties, but all I was thinking, "This is a lot cheaper than a personal trainer!"

Conclusion:
I will be back for more of the sore! I figure I'll go to at least ten classes to figure out what I'm doing, then I can start doing it on my own. Right now I can feel my shoulders-- that's nice. I like this better than straight up weight-lifting, and I want to be svelte come May. Plus, I feel like I'm accomplishing something, which is a good (and necessary?) feeling. I'm thinking about training for a half marathon in April, but maybe I should just do the 6k and do a fantastic job.

BEWARE of DOG

Ferocious DOG who refuses to bark


I love the sign: "Beware of DOG". It is awesome because it is missing "the". Sasha gets a promotion: he isn't "a dog" or "the dog". He is DOG. With this designation, he deserves his own comic book series and cape. DOG to the rescue. He is the platonic ideal of a dog: DOG. It's a lot to live up to, but Sasha just wags his fluffy tail.

Then again, maybe the pressure is why he spends so much of his day in repose on his comfy bed. Maybe it is why he conserves his barks. One never knows when he'll be called on to BARK because that is what DOG does.

Then there is the other side of the sign, who designed it? Did he graduate from Fortune Cookie Fortune School where he mastered the art of vaguely awkward syntax? BEWARE of DOG. Was he maximizing the space? Was it a joke or meant to be menacing?

(I'm going to try to make this blog more about the writing and less of a teenage diary. I did say try. See, this was an attempt at comedic writing. Read it again and see if it worked.)

Adios 2011!!!!

If I were to summarize 2011 in a word, I'd choose from the thesaurus entry for "difficult". Something along the lines of arduous, treacherous, tough, relentless. There were glimmers of beauty among the rubble... and lots of unpackaged lessons lying around to be learned when my heart and soul were ready. I'm probably a littler rougher, tougher and more gentle for the wear.

Deciding to quit my job felt like a reasonable proposition-- I had nine interviews lined up. One out of nine seemed like legitimate odds. Oh, I learned: don't count your chickens before they hatch. I'm learning that confidence and hope have to lie outside of circumstances. I've always wondered what Paul meant to have his identity in Jesus alone and now I'm beginning to understand. It's not that circumstances aren't real, it's that they're transitory and ephemeral. The good and the bad are fleeting as the teacher in Ecclesiastes frames all of human life in terms of vapor.

Also along the lines of Ecclesiastes, enjoyment and fun are gifts. I feel like a spoiled-rotten little kid pouting at my birthday present because of the one gift I didn't receive who has completely lost sight of the twenty unwrapped ones that surround me. Employment is kind of a big deal when you don't have a trust fund, but it isn't everything. My uncle really brought this home to me when he exhorted me to run more. He reminded me that although it doesn't pay the bills, it's something a lot of people can't do. In Ecclesiastes, the teacher says that a rich man can only enjoy his riches if God lets him. How many miserable well off people are there? I think about the statistics regarding anti-depressants in North America. I really believe we've been especially conditioned in our materialistic culture to be unsatisfied and malcontent. What would happen to our economy if we were more concerned with loving people instead of impressing them? I'm learning how to care less about what people think about me and try to love and see them on their own terms.

"What is life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare." WH Davies

I have been living far below the poverty level for a couple of months now. Needless to say, I've made it because of family and friends. The friend I live with charges a very reasonable rent and letting me pay as I can. Friends and family either invite me to dinner or some half price fare that I can afford. And, I'm learning how little I really need. I used to try to buy something new when I went out on a date (especially a first date) but not now. I can't. And, I'm realizing the success of the date has little to do with my outfit... it has more to do with my hair and makeup (just kidding). Not spending time shopping and wanting stuff frees up a lot of time and energy... so I can run... and think deep (?) thoughts.

Anyway, I'm reading three books right now and I need to finish two of them by tomorrow. Adios.