the weekend of bookshelf

On Friday my latent nesting instinct kicked in 6 months after moving.  I hung some of my pictures, and started going through some stuff. I even found a bookshelf on Craig's List Friday afternoon.  I emailed the dude and arranged a pick up that night: I borrowed a truck, gently coerced a neighbor into helping me unload it and bring it upstairs, and got the guy I bought it from with one of his neighbors to help me load it.

It was a bit daunting because the sucker was heavy.  In some ways it was nice to be a single woman because people were more willing to help me.  It was a little frustrating because I had to do it on everybody else's terms (I wanted to do it Sunday, the seller wanted to do it Friday; the neighbor helped me move it upstairs at 10 pm, etc.).  But, I ended up with what I wanted at a price I could afford-- I got a $100 check in the mail earlier this week that more than covered all the associated costs.

I unpacked all my boxes of books-- at least 12.  Bibliophiles, you know how great that feels.  I found some ones that I'd really missed: Wendell Berry's Collected Poems, NT Wright's Jesus.  And, in my 3 ring binders, I found my transcripts for my Master's.  I through away a lot of paper, and have a box of books to donate.  I'm a natural born pack rat. 

I love the bookshelf because one square is devoted to Russian novels, one square to poetry, etc.  And the shelves are deep-- so I have two rows to them.  I'm sure it'd cause an anal person a panic attack, but I love it!

The whole experience was empowering and humbling.  Friday night was full of tedium, but I organized three aspects (truck, pickup and drop off) with relative ease.  It was humbling that people were so willing to help for nothing in return.  Having my books was a little emotional because they reflect different periods in my past and bring back memories.  I unpacked Latin, Greek, Spanish, and English Lexicons.  Books I bought in Japan and Peru.  My Jonathan Edwards biography, which is surprisingly good.

I figured out a class I want to teach on writing spiritual autobiography, and two books I'd use as texts.  I found my personal training text books I need to come up with a strength workout for myself.

Much like training for a marathon, I feel like I was handed another key piece of my identity.

Banana Splits and other food for thought

Tomorrow (August 25th) is Banana Split Day!!!  Here's a link to a blog I follow that explores and celebrates the phenomenon: guiltless banana split in jar.  

I came across this quotation on Facebook today (Cory Booker posted it):

If you fear it, you give it power. 
If you face it, you gain the strength. 
If you hate it, you reveal your darkness. 
If you love it, you reveal your light.

Love banana splits and reveal your light!

freedom?!?*

Studying in Canada revealed how profoundly American I am. I think like an American. I have an American attitude: I expect things to be quick and orderly. I don't like people telling me what to do-- I hate being micro-managed. There are certain presumptions that I take for granted because I am American: individual freedom being one of those core values. Hello, Bill of Rights. Hello, Declaration of Liberty!

I used to think that freedom would arrive with adulthood. No more bedtime! No more chores! I could all my money however I wanted! I could eat all the dessert I wanted! No more green peas. I would get to do whatever I wanted and be whomever I wanted to be. Haha... at least for me. Now, it seems that as we age we inevitably move toward more constraints... or at least different constraints. Even more shocking, I'm not sure the constraints are all bad. I'm coming to think independence (as a free-floating state) is an intellectual farce just as autonomy is.

My American and childhood concepts of freedom are small and naive compared to the Christian concept. Os Guiness sees current American culture in the context of a War about Freedom. The Judeo- Christian concept of freedom:

Jewish and Christian freedom has a number of very striking features. It's derived, not self-created. It's relational; it has to be done in community. It's not atomistic and individualistic. And it has a framework of truth—"The truth will set you free." And it's not boundless.

Opposed to:
On the other hand, you have the philosophical revolution that comes out of the Renaissance that humans are capable of creating themselves. You tie that with the scientific revolution, which imagines we can through science create ourselves. And then there is the consumer revolution, where everything is possible through the market and you can be whoever you want to be. You can see how these things have created this incredible sense of infinite possibility. You have profoundly anti-Christian views on freedom underlying so many of the discussions.

Judeo-Christian freedom is derived, relational, done in community, bounded by absolute truth: a meta-narrative rooted in history centered on God. In the Christian faith, we're freed from death and sin in order to become fully, truly human through relationship with Jesus and our neighbors. Whereas, the philosophical revolution conceives freedom in human-centered terms of infinite possibility. I conceptualize this infinite possibility in terms of self fulfillment and reaching potential.

Conflict is eminent. Internal conflict for the American Christian... or Christian American. Christian freedom gives a person an identity as a child of God and a member of the Church; it's a bounded identity. We're called to love... because we are loved. There's a moral aspect to Christian freedom. Modern philosophy says identity is self-created or chosen (I'm straight or gay, Republican or Democrat, my profession, my race, my weight, my marital status). This kind of identity is prone to fluctuate with circumstances.

An added dimension of the concept of freedom is the positive and negative freedom, using Isaiah Berlin's categories*. Os Guinness defines them as:
Negative freedom is freedom from—freedom from oppression, whether it's a colonial power or addiction to alcohol oppressing you. You need to be freed from negative freedom. Positive freedom is freedom for, freedom to be. And that's what's routinely ignored today.

To quote Kierkegaard: How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech.

Os Guinness argues (correctly, I believe) that Americans are interested in negative freedom rather than positive freedom. We're more interested in being able to drink a 32 oz Coca-Cola in NYC than we are in the freedom to live a healthy lifestyle. I know I view freedom in more American/negative terms than Christian/positive terms. I can feel my tendency toward negative freedom in my hesitation toward commitments. But, making a commitment to other people forces us to become people and to face our demons that we could easily avoid outside community. We are profoundly social beings; it's in our DNA. The illusion of autonomy is giving us rope to hang ourselves with a freedom unbounded by morality/virtue. Having to create and maintain an identity is a lot of work.

Transformation is a slow process.

* This is a reflection on Christianity Today's Freedom in Balance (interview with Os Guinness)

Merchant of Venice and Mercy

I went to see the Merchant of Venice tonight.  It was my first time ever seeing the play.  It was fantastic-- I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The actors did a fantastic job-- they were having a lot of fun.

I was really struck by the discussions of mercy throughout the play, esp. in the court scene.  Shylock refuses to give Antonio mercy; then, Shylock is refused mercy.  The plea for mercy:
The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice bless’d;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

Portia is an amazing character.  She's clever, wise and human.  Shakespeare had such a strong, important female character in the Elizabethan era.  Modern Hollywood doesn't have as strong female characters.

There's a theme of being cautious and prudent and not accepting things and people at face value.  Human nature is on display.

"If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men’s cottages princes’ palaces." Portia

"The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness,
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek;
A goodly apple rotten at the heart:
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!" Antonio

Be wary:

"I like not fair terms and a villain's mind." Bassanio

Don't be a fool.  Don't be shallow:

"All that glisters is not gold,
Often have you heard that told:
Many a man his life hath sold,
But my outside to behold:
Gilded tombs do worms infold."  Prince of Morocco (in the letter)

Hard words:

"I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we shall resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge. The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction." Shylock

Next time you get a chance, go to see a play!

pomo tribes, etc.

Samuel Salcedo

The universe feels full of surprisingly heavy, sharp objects-- shards of glass.  I keep waiting for life to make sense... to be logical.  But, I'm standing too close to it.  If I could understand then I could control it, right?  Thanks, Descartes, for setting me up for disappointment and a life of low-grade frustration.

Relief came in the form of "aha" listening to James Houston's lecture.  I've been flailing against these ridiculous, nonsensical, purposeless classes that prove nothing but are necessary to certification.  Houston relieved my angst: Postmodernism has returned to a tribalism, and professionalism is the new tribalism.  Overall, I agree with his take from experiencing 1) certification hoops that must be jumped, 2) the existential angst that comes with unemployment (granted I'm prone to all forms of angst in all situations), 3) observing my mom's decision-making process regarding retirement and my friends who've chosen to stay at home with their children.

I listened to his lecture on identity at least three times.  Ontology fascinates and plagues me.  He basically said that people who stick with "what" questions can find answers, and people who ask "why" questions will discover more questions.  What I understood him to say is that there is no I.  Our fierce individualism is a fallacy.  The elemental level of society is not the individual, but the mother and child. We are not islands.  Replacing "we" with "I" has caused of a lot of problems.  "We" has room for love.  "I" will always be pitted against the other.  "We" can be enlarged to the point that "other" no longer exists.  In this sense, All Saints' Day is more important than Christmas, Easter, and Pentecost. All Saints is the answer to Jesus' prayer in John 17.  I'm oversimplifying.

He wasn't limiting or denigrating our personhood, but saying that we are persons only through relationships.  We weren't designed to be individuals.  We are limited in our ability to engage in relationship by our degree of self-knowledge.  We really need to plumb the feelings and memories behind our ideas and attitudes.

We're like Zacheus perched in a tree, wanting to glimpse and experience Jesus from a distance and on our own terms.  That's the blessing and curse of the Christian life: after encountering Christ you cannot remain the same.   To encounter Jesus is to be truly seen and known-- absolute vulnerability in the surest of loves.

But, the fruits of the spirit make sense in the context of relationship when you think about it.  Gentleness, kindness and patience, etc. wouldn't be that necessary on a deserted island.  Self control on the other hand...

It's a beautiful lecture; I'll be contemplating if for a long time.

feelin' alive

When I was in Japan, I realized what a gift running was.  It made me happy like few things could.  I realized it was kind of a nice thing to be made happy by that.  I realized that this past year I've strayed away from things that have been central to my identity either because they're not possible (an exciting social life) or because I feel I don't deserve them (new clothes).

Loneliness is one of the aspects of unemployment that people leave out.  And, there's a sense of isolation that goes along with it, esp. since I'm in my thirties and single to boot.  Everybody my age is married with kids... or ridiculously fat where I live.

So, I've decided to make a conscious effort to be me.  Does that make sense?

I like people.

1. Although I have no kindred spirits in these parts, I do have some kind, dear friends.  So, I'm contacting them.  I'm going to see Merchant of Venice with one tomorrow night.  I'm meeting another for drinks another night.

2. I have my sweet, old ladies who think I'm incredibly young!  What's not to love?  And, just smiling and saying hi to the other people is uplifting.  It makes me feel useful.  The absence of care for the elderly is one of my major beefs with the church (not just mine but in general).  So, I get to be the change I want to see.

I like to think.

1. I'm really enjoying War and Peace.  There's so much to it.  It's well-written with keen insights on the human condition.  Oddly, literature eliminates loneliness.  I feel recognized.

2. Listening to deeply insightful lectures that provide new ways of framing my life. John's Gospel: Exercises in Spiritual Theology for a PostModern World by James Houston. Houston is wise; his lectures are full of his cleverness and gentleness.  His ideas are extremely energizing, satisfying and comforting.  

I like to run.

I'm training for a marathon... but my hip is hurting so I'm taking a few days off.

These are little parts of my uniqueness that add up to me.  Not one of them is glamorous, but that's okay.

look alert!!!

I want to be hot when I'm 56!  At my weight lifting class, I totally got schooled by a woman that goes to my church who's 56.  She tripled the weight I was doing for most of the muscle groups.  Wowsers.  Not that I set out to win any awards, but I was impressed.  She was ripped... in a good way not a scary way.

I went to hear a friend preach.  I think it was providential that I chose to attend his church today.  It was a sermon on Ruth 2: 1-3 and Faith in God.  It was about God's sovereignty and his involvement in the quotidian and his provision for the poor.  God is at work in all circumstances of our lives whether we acknowledge it or not.

"Look alert" came from a neighbor on Friday night.  Of course, we totally got a kick out of her saying that and wouldn't let it go for the rest of the night.  Why be alert when you can look alert?  Fake people out: look alert.

This week's goals: find a job.  Watch some movies. Read.  Come up with some subjects for articles to write... while looking alert at all times.

Marathon training: week 2 (or 5)

Monday: 3 miles

Tuesday: 6 miles

Wednesday: 3 miles

Thursday: rest

Friday: 6 miles at pace

Saturday: 12 miles

Sunday: strength and yoga (projected)

My left hip is feeling a little raw, but other than that, I'm feeling great.  It's going better than I was hoping.  I think because of my hip I may do a little more miles on the elliptical, but do my long runs outside whenever possible.  I might add a speed workout.  

Friday's run was amazing.  I kept going faster and faster.  I think I may have paid for it today.  Next week is an easy week, which I found incredibly motivating: the long run is 9 miles (a total of 26-- clearly a mental state).  Then the miles really start being piled on: 36 miles.  But, I'm needing the mental toughness.

I listened to a lecture on the long run for the first time today!  It was good.  I'm not sure it helped my speed, but it passed the time!  I think I'm going to get some mp3 books for my long runs.  I also went to the Y and got into the whirlpool after the run, I think that will help with soreness.  I also drank some chocolate milk after the run-- I think twelve miles is a long enough run to deserve it without being ridiculous.

back in the saddle

Today, I knitted.  I was nodding off while listening to a brilliant lecture on the Gospel of John in a Post Modern Context and thought, "This should not be!"  I needed something so to keep me awake because coffee wasn't doing the trick.  Voila, my discarded scarf from June.  It was mindless enough to keep me engaged in the lecture, and mindful enough to keep me awake.

Then, after my brilliant run, I went to the knitting store and asked her how much further I had to go.  She said at least 18 inches.  Then, she preceded to tell me that I needed to correct this glitch about 8" down because it would unravel if I didn't.  She showed me how to fix it.  It was cool and depressing how easy it was to unravel that much work-- it seemed pretty true to life.  Now, I have enough knitting to last me several lectures.  I really want a new pair of knitting needles.  Straight ones.

I'm interested to see how the running and knitting interrelate in my life.  Will it be too much space-out time?  Will I become an alcoholic?  Stay tuned.

Information Diet: A Case for Conscious Consumption by Clay Johnson

Excellent, clever book.  Quick read with a simple, important concept:  We need to apply the same logic and consciousness (if not more) to the information we come contact with as we do with the food we eat.  He's a proponent of Info Veganism: as little processed information as possible.  Go for pure information and do the interpretation yourself.  He likens MSNBC and FOX News and the thought affirmation they provide to sugar: it tastes so good, but is really bad for us.  "Without constant attention to perspective diversity, we assure ourselves of mutual intellectual sycophanticide" (113).  It's easy to stick to perspectives we agree, but we need thought ruffage in the same manner as we need lettuce and spinach.  Chapter 9 is "A Healthy Sense of Humor."  I'm telling you: it's good.

The book is written in a conversational voice with excellent anecdotes and relevant data.  I came away convicted and liking the author.  The preface lays out the book.  The first part describes the problem and its implications.  The second part prescribes a solution-- hence the information diet.

If you're interested, you can look it up on YouTube for a one minute and a one hour discussion.

Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges

"Sin" is such an old-fashioned word in our society.  We now have issues, difficult childhoods, and natural proclivities.  It's hard to say that any behavior is deviant in our culture.  Murder and pedophilia are still universally accepted as wrong, but the list is getting shorter and terms qualified.

Then, within the church, sins are the things Christians would never dream of doing: abortion and homosexuality come to mind.  Now, those are sins!  We believe in the doctrine of niceness: we need to seem nice, good and happy. And, good church-goers don't tolerate those bad sins on which we focus.  However, we leave a lot of room for petty, acceptable sins in our lives.

In his book, Respectable Sins, Jerry Bridges minds the gap between the idea of no sin and blatant sin.  He argues that sin robs Christians of joy and contentment.  He doesn't broach any "major" sins like pornography, lying, stealing, which based on statistics, Christians do on a regular basis.  He delves into subtle, acceptable sins that we take for granted in our lives as personality traits and intrinsic foibles.

Bridges argues that these petty sins we tolerate are an affront to God's holiness. The first third of the book sets the stage for individual sins.  He winsomely portrays holiness and the malignancy of sin in our lives and witness.  Much like George MacDonald, Bridges makes goodness look good.

The list of sins/chapters:
Ungodliness (or what I've heard called practical atheism)
Anxiety and Frustration
Discontentment
Unthankfulness
Pride
Selfishness
Lack of Self Control
Impatience and Irritability
Anger
Weeds of Anger
Judgmentalism
Envy, Jealousy and Related Sins
Sins of the Tongue (gossip, slander, lying, harsh words, sarcasm, insults, ridicule)
Worldliness

I don't know about you, but this list made me cringe. This book is hard to read (not intellectually but spiritually).  It's humbling and worthwhile.  It reminds me of the quotation: "Grace is fundamentally odious" and the freedom the doctrine of sin allows.  We can be cured/freed/released of all these petty things that suck the joy out of life.  "Remember that our progressive sanctification-- that is, our putting off sin and putting on Christlikeness-- rests on two foundation stones: the righteousness of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit" (181).  We're not on our own, and the author is constantly reminding us.

I also found Bridge's phrase dependent responsibility really helpful. "... We are responsible before God to obey His Word, to put to death the sins in our lives.... At the same time, we do not have the ability within ourselves to carry out this responsibility.  We are in fact totally dependent upon the enabling power of the Holy Spirit.  In this sense, we are both responsible and dependent" (41).

He describes the sins and then gives Scripture to help combat the sin (I know it sounds kind of hokey). This is the summary from the chapter: "Directions for Dealing with Sins"
Apply the gospel.
Depend on the Holy Spirit.
Recognize your responsibility.
Identify specific respectable sins.
Memorize and apply appropriate Scriptures.
Involve one or a few other believers with you. (51).

I found the most difficult part of the book to grapple with is God, specifically his sovereignty and goodness.  Intellectually, I think I grasp it.  Psychologically, spiritually and practically, I know I don't.  To believe in a sovereign and good God seems almost laughable when you look around at all the pain and suffering, but that is why we were given the Bible.  And, Bridges returns to Scripture again and again to get a clear vision of God and reality.  To believe in the goodness and power of God alters reality to the point that you live differently: eternity becomes real.

"To be sane in a mad time
is bad for the brain, worse
for the heart. The world
is a holy vision, had we clarity
to see it...." -Wendell Berry

We gain that clarity through Scripture, prayer, and each other.  Bible verses are amply sprinkled throughout the text.  Imagine believing Romans 8:28 with every fiber of your being. Or, "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in your book were written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them" (Psalm 139:16).  This  differs profoundly from the "you can be anything you want to be" slogan I grew up with.  Ultimately, it's not about me or up to me, God's love and purpose are the foundations of life.

As you have noticed, I'm still grappling with it.  It's a deep book with practical applications.

Batman and Bourne

Two weeks ago, the Chief and I underwent an intense psychological experiment.  We watched Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy.  We watched Batman Begins on Wednesday night, Dark Knight  on Thursday, and Dark Knight Rises on Saturday.  They were exceptional movies that I highly recommend. They were smart, complex and complete.

My brother's favorite is the final one.  I really liked the second and third one.  The Joker is hard to beat; Heath Ledger did a phenomenal job.  That said, I really liked the third one too.  I like the twist in the tale, which is fitting with Cat Woman.  The third one met its match with the Aurora shooting and the Olympics: those are powerful antagonists.  I've read reviews that boo the third one by saying it's over written and ridiculously implausible.  Of course it is-- it's a super hero tale based on a comic book.

Now, we're watching the Bournes.  Bourne Identity's flashy.  Bourne Supremacy is actually interesting-- the bad guy situation gets complicated.  Good and bad go awry.  They're good movies but pale in comparison to the Dark Knights.

I remember a guy told me that book series are popular with publishers because they represent less marketing because they already have a readership for the sequels.  This makes sense.  And, I like it as a reader... or a viewer.

I really like having the movies and watching them in close succession.  It's reminiscent of when I read the Harry Potters in Japan.  I devoured them.  I even went to Tokyo to buy one because it wasn't in my town.  It's excruciating to wait for an installment of a story to come out.  It's smart to wait until the last one is in place then you can gulp the entire story in one fell swoop.

Ryan: what am I missing?

First off, I'm no political scientist.  In fact, I'm becoming more and more disaffected as I age... or mature.  But, Romney's choice of Paul Ryan as his running mate is interesting.  Romney has run a generic campaign up until now.  Picking Ryan was a fiscal statement.  Obama's camp's excitement about the choice seems to say it all.

To me, it seems a repeat of the 2008 McCain campaign.  Sarah Palin is a woman, but she in no way encouraged moderate voters to move right.  Ryan seems to be a more savvy and intelligent politician, but he seems that he'll have the same effect on moderates: either none or negative.  It seems that Romney is putting all his eggs in the Wisconsin-recall basket.  He hopes that people will be for strong leadership willing to make tough decisions.  Don't get me wrong, I really like the Republican governor in Wisconsin and that style of leadership. I hate the tyranny of special interest groups. But, we shall see.

This is what I don't understand about politics: why is there a trend towards the fringe instead of a move to moderation?  Plenty of rhetoric exists to talk about the two parties working together, but it seems the reality is always to polarize.

A visit

I took one of my former students on a college visit Friday.  I had to get some transcripts, so I asked if he wanted to go.  He was up for the adventure!  My college, UNC Chapel Hill, is a liberal arts school heavy on humanities and pure sciences. My former student is really good at computers and applied science; so, I decided to take him to NC State too.

When I spoke with my mom about this trip, she told me to look up one of her former students.  Turns out, he's a nuclear engineering student finishing his last semester this fall.  He went into the military after high school. And, I knew him because he's my age, and he was my mom's favorite student that year.

It was also really good to see the State guy.  He's a really awesome guy who's had a tough life but makes no excuses for himself and makes the best of situations.  It was a good reminder of the many ways I've been blessed.  I think it was really good for my student to talk with him because he has a different perspective on things than I do.  In fact, he flat-out told him things that contradicted me.  I told my student that's why you discuss ideas and plans with multiple people.

I think it was good for my student to see the schools.  I think it's hard to imagine college when you've never been to one.  There so much bigger and different than high school.  My student is starting high school this year, and I wanted him to see college to maybe get him motivated to do well.  We'll see if my plan works!

I still have no idea if I want to teach, and I thought the trip may have been clarifying.  I'm going to have lunch with a good friend I've had for over 20 years.  He's good at speaking the truth.

Success!!!

My first week of marathon training is done!  I'm following Hal Higdon's Intermediate 1 Program, starting at week 4. I did all the workouts... just not on the right days.  I put what I did and then what I was supposed to do in parenthesis.  Saturday I did what I was supposed to do, so there's no parenthesis.
Monday: 4 miles (3 miles)
Tuesday: 3 miles (6 miles)
Wednesday: 4 miles (3 miles)
Thursday: 6 miles at pace (rest)
Friday: rest (6 miles)
Saturday: 11 miles
Sunday: (cross training) weight lifting and yoga

That's a total of 28 miles.  The program looks like it works up to 43 miles a week.  We'll see how my body does.  I took the long run really slow.  Irritatingly slow.  But, it was hot. I was tired... and determined to finish.

I think I'm going to need to add in some more strength training and yoga during the week so that I'll have the strength and flexibility to make it happen.  My hamstrings and hips were sore after the long run.

I'm also trying to drink a lot of water and eat real food.  I'm praying I don't get injured because this is a much more strenuous exercise program than what I've been doing.  That's why I've been taking it slow.  If push comes to shove, I plan to take out a day or two of the short runs and replace them with swimming, rowing or biking for the same amount of time and intensity.

I did Body Pump (weight lifting class) and Body Flow (yoga, tai chi, pilates class) right after.  My poor little muscles were shaking with fatigue or fear by the end of the classes.  But, my hips and hamstrings feel better.  I did minimal weights because my goal was more to stretch and not be sore than to get ripped.

How's everybody's running coming along?  Are there any suggestions or pointers?

Deluge, Downpour, Etc.

It took 1.5 hours to drive to Columbia over 2.5 hours to get back.  The difference: rain.  We're not talking a gentle, lovely, soaking rain.  We're talking I risked pulling off a six lane interstate rain because I couldn't see 10 feet in front of me.  But, I got home safely.  Clearly. It hadn't even rained at my house.  Summertime thunderstorms, oh,  how I love you.

The meeting was fruitful and provided some hope.  If I understood correctly, their process is far more logical than my state's.  I have some work ahead of me the next couple of days.  The academic standards are far lower to teach middle school than high school.  Needless to say, I'm good to go with the punks.  I just need to swing by Chapel Hill and get some course equivalencies since I was a Classics major (not straight up English or History).  My Classics and Comparative Lit classes should make up the deficit in English.  But, I've never taken a European History Class.  That's kind of bad and explains a lot.

Also, two supernatural things?  I was looking for Zaxby's (a chicken fast food joint) and turned around in the parking lot of the building that my meeting was in three hours later.  That seemed like a good sign.  But, when I got in my car after the shindig, U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" was playing.  Background info: I've been praying that God reveal himself in all this madness.  My take away: He's got a sense of humor.

I really enjoyed lunch with my brother at Chipotle.  A balance of levity and gravity exist in our conversations.  I'm always amazed what a fantastic guy he is.  He's witty and caring.  I think he got my pragmatic gene. Dude, I'm totally a doting, big sister.

I got home at 9pm.  Did I run? Yes.  But 3 miles instead of the prescribed 6.  I'll make it up tomorrow.

more plans...

Tomorrow, I'm headed to another state capitol to see about teaching.  They'll look at my transcripts and tell me about the Lateral Entry process... since I know nothing about it... The worst case scenario is: I get to have lunch with my little brother.  The best case scenario: I land a history position in a high school in a cool city.  There a total of three cool cities in this state.

My other plans include running.  I spoke with my cousin with whom I did a 24-hour adventure race about fighting the DPI.  He told me I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell because the guidelines are linked to state and federal funding.  I told him thanks for explaining it to me because I was going on logic rather than funding. But, while we were chatting, he told me that he wanted to do an ultra marathon.  I hem-hawed.  But, I think I'm in for phase one. I'm planning to run a marathon on November 16; it's a local one so it's no big commitment.  I won't run for time; I'll run for completion-- with a goal of 4:30 or 4:45.  Then there are several fairly local 50 k's and 50 milers in January and February.  Then there's a really nice (flat and temperate) 100 miler the first week of April we could do.

I'm so depressed and despondent about employment that I think I need a new outlet.  If I stick with this, I'll see results... unlike applying for jobs or dating.

reflection on the interview

As you could tell, I was pretty excited about the interview and thought it went well.  Let's be honest, I also really liked being treated like a desirable professional (being flown down and being put up in a suite) instead of a beggar being done a favor. But, I'm constantly humbled by how many things are out of my control.  I really think it came down that the other person was less expensive and easier to hire: the school would have had to pay a 3-4k finder's fee to the teacher placement service they used to find me, plus the move, and the hassle of getting certified in FL.  My consolation is that I think the middle school principal liked me a lot.  This same kind of thing happened to me last year (except the principal made a verbal offer... then rescinded it-- I could have sued but didn't).  

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a peace about it and renewed confidence.  I get carried away about finding a job... any job, instead of figuring out what precisely I have to offer (and how to market it).  I have a bizarre, niche resume, which actually suits me-- much like my new quirky haircut that I get lots of compliments on.  I just have to find the organizations that have a need for my niche. Last week's interview was a reminder that a market for my professional self exists.  I'm learning that it's just as impossible to undersell myself as to oversell myself.  We're in a really bizarre economy right now where people are uber-specialized yet multi-faceted.  And, I guess I am both those things.  I think I need to get more technologically savvy for whatever I do.

I'm making some last ditch attempts at teaching employment for this upcoming year, and then am back to the drawing board for short term employment.  I'm really leaning towards waiting tables so I have mental energy and imagination left to put into my job search.

Southern afternoon

Farmers' Market. Watermelon, cucumbers, etc. Entertaining conversations with farmers. Took recycling and the attendant called me "ma'am" twice.

Lunch. I love a vegetable plate with macaroni and cheese, zucchini and squash, and pinto beans with sweet tea and my friend at a new restaurant.

Bookstore.  Bought a book (the last one of the title!). Read magazines for free. Excellent people watching.

Peach Ice Cream in South Carolina. Then we drove down to South Carolina... because why not? We went to the Peach Tree and shopped for produce.  Did you know there's sweet potato syrup? Then we got peach ice cream cones!  Ice cream is dangerous: my friend's scoop fell off her cone while driving.  She caught it.  We had to pull off the road.  We survived.

Drive. Past horse pastures, gardens, and lovely houses.

Not alone

"We read to know we are not alone," wrote CS Lewis.  This is one of my favorite quotations.  I had a professor who said some of his best friends were books.  A book can offer amazing companionship.  The Catcher in the Rye and Holden Caulfield were my good friends in tenth grade.  I loved the ducks in Central Park question, the baseball glove, discussion of pimples, and the"phonies".  Holden got it.

Tenth grade was also the year I gave up reading horoscopes.  I was reading some teenage-ish magazine's horoscope, and MY horoscope stated that I would meet a cute boy near my locker and that we'd fall in love.  I got really peeved because a) I didn't have a locker and b) there were no boys at my school.  So, I was not going to fall madly in love that month.  Not only that, but it was wrong from its conception: it was using the law of averages (lockers and boys are pretty safe bets for most high schools), and my situation didn't fit.  For some reason, this resonated deeply in my teenage philosophical sensibilities.

So, I've transferred my disdain of horoscopes to daily devotionals.  Seriously, how on target can they be?  And, I can't do daily devotionals for women.  I find them insulting (clearly, I have some deep-seated issues.)

But, the human condition is universal.  JD Salinger nailed teenage angst and ennui.  The horoscopist nailed my desire to fall in love with a cute boy... just didn't realize how high the odds were stacked against me.  And, I think the universality is especially true on a spiritual level.  St. Augustine's description of "the God-shaped hole" in our hearts is the crux of so much pain.

Anyway, that was a really long introduction to the fact that I've been reading two daily devotionals recently.  One is "Streams in the Desert Volume 1" that I bought for $2.00 and smells like it's older than I am but in a bookish way.  And the other one is cheesy, but I'm enjoying it: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  It's written in Jesus's voice-- it's as if he's talking to you.  It's super cheesy and a great reminder of his realness.  And, it's really short.

Streams in the Desert was first copyrighted in 1925, so it can be a little stilted at times.  (But, if you read this blog, you'll do just fine with it.)  But, July 31st entry was perfect for my July 31, 2012:

"He guided them by the skillfulness of his hands." (Psa. 78:72)

When you are doubtful as to your course, submit your judgment absolutely to the Spirit of God, and ask Him to shut against you every door but the right one... Meanwhile keep on as you are and consider the absence of indication to be the indication of God's will that you are on His track... As you go down the long corridor, you will find that He has preceded you, and locked many doors which you would fain have entered; but beyond these there is one which He has left unlocked. Open it and enter, and you will find yourself face to face with a bend of the river of opportunity, broader and deeper than anything you had dared to imagine in your sunniest dreams.  Launch forth upon it; it conducts to the open sea.

God guides us, often by circumstances.  At one moment the way may seem utterly blocked; and then shortly afterward some trivial incident occurs, which might not seem much to others, but which to the keen eye of faith speaks volumes. Sometimes these are repeated in various ways, in answer to prayer. They are not haphazard results of chance, but the opening up of circumstances in the direction we would walk. And they begin to multiply as we advance toward our goal, just as the lights do as we near a populous town, when darting through the land by night express. -F.B. Meyer 

I really needed these words and the pictures they paint yesterday (and today) and don't think it was haphazard results of chance that I came across them.  Right now, it does feel like I'm walking down a long corridor with a lot of locked doors.  But, it helps to think of God as a parent locking doors/ putting up safety walls to prevent my doing something really stupid.

And, although it feels futile to keep applying to jobs, and writing letters trying to figure out licensure.  I'm always finding the balance between faith and action.  It's as my grandpa used to say, "The harder I work, the luckier I get."  I need to keep going down the corridor trying doors, knowing that I'm not alone.