good news!!!

I received two rejections by noon today. That's nice. Plus, it's a monsoon outside. The sound of the rain woke me up this morning. Yet, a good day because of the really fun first date last night. I'm choosing to think about the positive. Mand, we went to an art museum-- it was so much fun and very funny. I'd been, but he hadn't. He made me notice things that I hadn't before. Then, we drank wine and ate tapas, which sounds really pretentious but was actually a lot of fun.

Lessons I'm learning.
1. Focus on the positive. My uncle reminded me how lucky I am to be in good shape-- to not take my health for granted. And, he's right. Joining the gym has been really good for me. I can have challenges outside of finding a job. And, allowing myself to enjoy last night despite my career being nonexistent; not being defined by circumstance. Life is still good, or, I should say: God is good despite this rather glaring circumstance.

It reminded me of the realization I had in Japan: running is a really cool gift God gave me. Running (and walking) was a total consolation when in Japan; it was an escape. It still is. Plus, it helps me sleep and keeps me sane and fit. I always wanted something flashy-- like singing. But, no. God knows best.

I read this earlier today, and it fits: “In difficult times, you should always carry something beautiful in your mind.”--Blaise Pascal. Then Luci Shaw commented, "Grace in any mode is a form of beauty--undeserved but freely bestowed and available."

2. Patience. All of life is waiting. Last night looking at the art, I experienced again the simple act of waiting. There's something to be said for a little puzzling and interaction with something new. It takes time and reorientation to understand something in its own terms. What was the artist trying to do? I'm learning to presume there's a bigger context than the one I initially considered. The same is true for people and situations. It takes time to figure out what's going on and what God's doing (not that I'll ever figure that out!).

Here's an example: My phone hasn't been working since Saturday. I went to the store to find out how to fix it. The sales people said it was beyond being fixed and the warranty had expired. They told me that I'd have to buy a new phone. I responded that this probably wasn't the best time to hawk me a phone since mine had just broken. In my twenties, I would have just said, "Screw it", thrown the phone away and be without a phone. However, I'm slowly maturing and emailed a former student with my problem. He told me to take out the battery and submerge it in rice for at least twelve hours. I did it for about 24 hours, and, by jove, it works! I wrote back to thank the student. I feel I was being rewarded for being patient.

farm

I went to a farm yesterday with my mom. It was out near where I grew up, and I've known the owners since I was a baby. It was weird to go out in the country. It's still gorgeous but seems smaller. They paved the road on which I grew up. I liked it as a dirt road.

We went for ground beef, but we bought sorghum molasses instead. No doubt you can figure out what happen. The lady tried to sell us beef sausage. No offense, but that sounds kind of nasty. However, I've never had it. It may be the most awesome sausage EVER, and I am totally missing out. So, I feel legitimately Southern with my molasses.

And, I've been walking instead of running, which takes more time but is more relaxing. Well, a different kind of relaxing.

I have a first date on Tuesday to the art museum that I'm very excited about. Now, I'm wondering what I should wear. Dress? Skirt? Black pants? Jeans? It's going to be fairly warm. It can't be any worse than my interviews, right?

I watched three movies recently: Cape of Good Hope, Northanger Abbey and Like Water for Elephants. I listed them in order of preference. I didn't really like the last one.

Oh, how could I forget: I made 15 bean soup that actually tastes really good.

This is all, of course, is juxtaposed with real news: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, 69, has died. Will his son be a better leader than he?

lesson

I went to a church meeting about a major decision. I was expecting to figure out what was going on-- what ideas were at stake. I'm less clear about what happened and the conflict. But, that was the point of the meeting: it's not about being factual and correct. It's about unity, love and being under authority. An attorney on the committee said to think about the situation in terms of interpretation rather than choice. Our pastor said that we needed to withhold judgment and wait and see because there was a lot of information and misinformation. We also needed to trust that the Spirit was at work.

I learned a lot listening to the lecture and conversation. It made me respect these people even more. I didn't figure out what I wanted to, and that's okay. In fact, not getting what you want can be a very good thing. There's life application in this.

depletion

I don't know why I find job applications so depleting, but I do. I applied to about seven jobs yesterday (about 3-4 hours of actual work) and was exhausted. I applied to two today and am tired. I'm less surprised and irritated by how redundant the applications are. Today's I had to fill out my reference information in two separate locations on the same internet application. One was in an Excel format and one was in Word. Seriously. I sometimes think it's some form of psychological test to see if you have what it takes to survive the bureaucratic mechanisms of the institution. "Dance, monkey, dance."

It's weird trying to maintain an identity separate from this uphill battle. Working out is helping. Prayer is definitely helping. This has made me realize the holes in my social network around here... again. I have more friends in DC, New York and Seattle than I do here. I need to reach out more to the people I know here, and figure out ways to branch out. And, I need to do all this with spending as little money as possible. Yes? Yes. I hang on to the possibility that I'm learning something profound and pragmatic and building character.

Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller Quasi-Reviewed

Counterfeit Gods

I picked this book up in my mom's church's library. I really liked Prodigal God and thought that odds were in this books favor. I was right. This book was good; it was far more powerful than I expected it would be. It's founded in Scripture and profoundly relevant. He talks about surface idols and deep idols and how insidious idolatry is. Reading about it reminded me of kudzu; idolatry is the kudzu of the heart.
kudzu

Idols are rarely bad things: love, family, work. It's just taking a good thing and turning it into an ultimate thing. Keller writes about the distortion and the correction: Jesus Christ. He always brings it back to Jesus. He roots his teaching in the stories of Abraham, Jacob and Jonah woven with modern examples. After reading this book, I needed to pray. I needed to pray while reading it. The book functioned in the same way art does. It brings new light into the familiar, unsettling the seemingly comfortable. It reminds me that as Christians, we are pilgrims in a foreign land. It reminds me of all of Jesus's I AM statements: he is the way, the bread of heaven, life, etc. All else although really, truly amazing and good cannot satisfy. It reminds of Darrell Johnson saying that if you don't offer up your idols to God, he will take them.

This said, it's a gentle, gracious book. I'd recommend it to anyone. It's a provocative, thoughtful book.

crazy train

This morning I called a guy with whom I'd had a phone interview last week to follow up about my resume. The guy answered the office phone, but just to make sure I said, "May I speak with ____?" I thought he'd say, "This is he." But, NO. He said, "He's not in. Please leave a message on his cell." So, I did. Shocker, he didn't pick up. I think this let me know that this isn't the job for me.

Then the leaf guy came to clean the leaves off the roof and out of the yard, but he forgot his ladder. So, he had to go back home and get it.

I fixed my mom and brother dinner, but they're not coming to my house. I'm taking everything over to my mom's.

39 to go

I tutored a kid today. I think we're going to get along. His favorite subject is history. We spent time getting to know each other and writing an article review for Health class. He decided to write on the Green Bay Packers' upcoming game. I learned a lot about football. He was a really cool kid. We talked about the Romans. I hope the gig takes.

Both his parents are writers: his mom is a journalist and his dad a published author. That's a little awkward and adds some pressure. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

One hour of paid work this week... now I just need to find 39 more as cool as this one.

it was bound to happen...

I bought wine, and the cash register girl didn't even bother to check my ID. I must look over thirty.

Of course, I am over thirty... and grocery stores have very harsh lighting. I won't ever get a photo shoot done in a grocery store. I bet Oprah never goes into one for that very reason.

new goal

I gave a pint of A+ blood on Wednesday afternoon at the library during a thunderstorm. It was an overall good experience-- one exception-- lady let walk-ins go before appointments. Not cool. Lesson learned-- go in the middle to late part of the period. However, I met some cool people and learned that the elevation of the place you visited in India affects whether or not you can give blood. The #1 cool person was the little lady volunteer in charge of snacks after you give. She was 78 years old and chatty. We were talking about random stuff then got onto the topic of working out. This little lady meets with a personal trainer three times a week and can do 30 "man push-ups" (direct quote). She can also bench more than I can. But, I do more cardio than she. She was envious that my gym has a pool. She said she took being in good shape seriously because some of her grandchildren and great grandchildren were obese, and she wanted to be a good role model for them. I told her that my family had more cautionary tales than role models. Seriously, when you meet old people like this, it gives one hope about getting older. She was talking about how her house is messier since retirement because she's so busy. Coolness.

Before giving blood, I rowed for the first time in years on Wednesday. I did 5x1k workout with .25 mile running recoveries. It was slow but reasonable. When I rowed in college I tried my 500 splits under 2:00 no matter what-- 12k pieces or 90 minute sessions. I needed under 1:50 to keep my position on a boat for more competitive pieces. This time I tried to keep my measly 1ks under 2:10, which I did. It felt really good. I'm going to incorporate more rowing into my workout. I was sweating within 4 minutes, and it's not just about going full-out. It's about pacing and stroke rating and form. There was a guy on the erg beside me that had clearly never rowed on the water. I managed to keep all my unsolicited advice to myself. The whole time I watched him I was thinking, "He's going to kill his back."

Job related: I applied to the chaplaincy program in the Army earlier this week. It's a pretty long process, and I'd have to go back to school to convert my Master's into an MDiv, which is kind of a nice prospect. I'd have to the candidacy program, which means I'd go into the reserves for 7 years. I was whining to my sister that I'd be over forty when I was finished with the entire process. She pointed out that I'd be over forty in 8 years no matter what I do, so that shouldn't really be a factor not to do something. My other concern is what about IF I meet a guy and want to get married and have kids-- being prego in a combat zone doesn't seem overly ideal. My sister pointed out again that my cousin's wife got pregnant while stationed in Japan (noncombat zone), and she was released from duty. This is to say, the military works with you. But, it seems like a really interesting, important job. Imagine getting to interact with people in such a critical time of life. These men and women are going to be asking crucial questions about meaning and life, etc. And, although there's pluralistic protocol, you still get to pray and care for these people.

I have my first tutoring gig in a while with a 12 year-old boy who sounds like he's a trip. I'm excited. I also figured out some places I want to start volunteering.

So, we shall see. My appeal worked somewhat: I'm going to have a hearing. I'm on my way!

Must go work on my upper body strength!

pilates

Pilates kicked my butt today. A good, swift kick. I should have known when all the chicks were decked out in legit gear showing off their svelte bodies. Next time, I'm going to a class with chubby people in sweat pants. I was in the back equally unbalanced with the lone dude. I was sweating and mildly stressed, then my sense of humor came to my rescue. It was oddly ridiculous: while we were doing these bizarre, painful exercises, people were shouting out about stock options and christmas decor. And, I felt like I got a good enough workout that I didn't feel obligated to run in the rain. And, I ate healthily the rest of the day. My snack tonight was carrots. Carrots. Clearly, this week-old gym membership is working its magic. Next thing I'm going to be selling athletic gear at Sports Authority, drinking protein shakes and training for an Ironman. Watch out!

And, I heard back from two job prospects. One of them I talked with the guy on the phone for over an hour. I think I'd really like the work, but it pays very little. Very little is of course much more than I'm making right now, and it's very interesting, worthwhile work.... And, it's work. We shall see. Maybe, they'll work in tandem. The other's a little blah, but it'd pay the bills better than saving the world.

I watched The World's Greatest Dad with Robin Williams. It's interesting not great. The soundtrack is good, and I love Robin Williams. The protagonist is real-- not overly like-able but still sympathetic.

relief!

Thursday I finished and faxed my appeal. I faxed it again on Friday just for good measure. My brother took the copy over to the business. My cousin told me to wrap my head around the fact that my winning was a total crap shoot. But, I think the odds are slightly in my favor because of economy and political party in power. I hope I'm right. I really, really hope. It ultimately comes down to who is the referee and God.

I taught my long awaited Advent seminar this morning to six people two of whom I'm related. I had a technology scare this morning: I connected my computer to the projector, and the screen didn't project. Then, about fifteen minutes later it did. Plus an IT guy came. God had it covered. But, it was an ideal start because we could fit around a table and talk, which is what I envisioned. People talked... a little too much. I went in concerned about getting people engaged. The people who came were ready to talk. The problem was I got through about half of my material. We missed some really good stuff. My uncle and brother gave me good feedback; they're probably the most honest. My brother told me that I brought my A game, but I need to work on speaking more fluidly. He said I made little noises (hmm, okay) that detracted from the presentation. He's probably right because I hadn't fully thought out what I was going to say. I made some bullet points. Plus, I was monitoring other people to see how they were doing. Teaching has definitely helped me with facilitating a group. I just called on people to read or respond. A lady pointed out the irony of the words of "o come, o come Emmanuel": we're saying "come" to God-with-us. I wanted a unhurried, meditative pace, and I got it. I might need to speed it up next time. It was a positive experience.

I'm feeling paranoid about church now because this lady I barely know told me while smiling and nodding her head, "Now, I know how you really are." I dodged her question with a vague answer the previous week; it was the kind of thing my grandmother would say. I said something like: "I'll think about it" instead of a flat no. I'm trying to adjust to being in the South. So, I wonder if she gossiped with other ladies.

And, I told my roommate (who goes to the church) that I'd keep her dog for the month of December if she paid me $10/day-- the going rate is at least $25. I thought she'd be pleased. She told me,"You're being outrageous! I'll take the dog to Florida." Then told me how ungrateful I was; um, I pay rent. Rent must not count as gratitude. So I am glad I asked in order to stand up for myself, but I think it definitely put a rift in our relationship because she demonstrated an attitude that's come out before of my owing her something. I promised to keep her dog in September for her trip to Switzerland and in January for her trip to Honduras; I didn't promise to dog sit for month-long periods for free whenever she decides. I miss the dog more... at least so far. I promised myself a new place by May 1st; it may be sooner because there's a weird, unhealthy dynamic. (Seriously?!? This is pathetic, but it took up a lot of head and heart space this week.)

Good news: a weekly tutoring gig is in the works, and it hopefully starts tomorrow. And, a lady contacted me about nannying. I need to find out more, but there's potential. It looks like I may be able to teach in Anchorage just on my Praxis scores; I need to call. I'm back in touch with an old friend in town, which has been really nice. I exercised every day except Thursday; I think joining the gym is going to improve morale. Huzzah!

harrowing but successful day

Lost in the Cosmos. Itchy scratchy with energy to do something worthwhile and amazing. It's frustrating and exciting. It happens to me even when I'm engaged in a job. Restlessness. The complete inability to say, "This is it, and it's enough." It' good to realize this on the outside of a job or marriage or parenthood in order to realize it's internal friction... and it's not all bad. It just needs to be channelled.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5 (The Message)

This said, today was filled with effective busyness. I finished and faxed my appeal. I'm further along on my Advent class that happens Saturday. And, I'm more and more aware of how much I lucked out in the mom department. I got top of the line. This holds true for my entire nuclear family and a lot of the extended. I can used "blessed" in this category and feel overly cheesy. This diatribe is sponsored by the 2.5 hours my mom worked with me editing and honing the appeal. She's really smart and educated plus she's really into acting out her love. One time, Mom did something pretty amazing, way over the expected. I thanked her sheepishly and told her she didn't have to do it. She said, "I tell you 'I love you', but the words would ring hollow if I didn't back it up with action." Or something along those lines. It's pretty solid.

O Radix (Root of Jesse)

All of us sprung from one deep-hidden seed,
Rose from a root invisible to all.
We knew the virtues once of every weed,
But, severed from the roots of ritual,
We surf the surface of a wide-screen world
And find no virtue in the virtual.
We shrivel on the edges of a wood
Whose heart we once inhabited in love,
Now we have need of you, forgotten Root
The stock and stem of every living thing
Whom once we worshiped in the sacred grove,
For now is winter, now is withering
Unless we let you root us deep within,
Under the ground of being, graft us in.

-Malcolm Guite

Activity

I've been a busy bee.

Morale has been low. Yesterday was extremely rough, so I decided I had to take some form of action. I joined a gym yesterday; I found one with a sliding scale that I could afford right now. The people were kind and helpful. And I met with a Personal Trainer today to go over a weight lifting program. My trainer was impressed that I gravitated towards the free weights... and I had good form. And, I filled out the sheet of exercises so she could talk and demonstrate. She said she had a really good time. I was reminded of a lot and started cobbling out a possible routine. Then I swam for 35 minutes, which I'm really feeling now. I earned the steam room but didn't have time for the sauna. I totally sketched out this woman in the steam room by coughing. I wanted to tell her I wasn't contagious, but I figured that would only make things worse. She got up and left. So, I think working out will help out my crazy mood swings. The running I did last week reminded me how much better life is when your active. Walking the dog isn't enough even if it's over 2 miles a pop. And, I think I found a trail race I want to run on January 21st: I need to decide 4, 9, or 13 miles.

I went by the church office and got things set up for the class I'm teaching on Saturday. I'm glad I went early because I need an adaptor for my Mac. But, I'm really excited about the speakers. There's a sub wolfer. The sound sounds great! I'm getting excited. It's going to be a small class, but I'm kind of excited about that. We'll fit around a table.

I went to the Army and Air Force recruiters to chat possibilities. I'm too old for OCS in the Army. As of April, you have to be no older than 29. And, the regulations on being a Chaplain are insane-- no wonder they have a hard time recruiting. On one level it's a good thing, we need excellent chaplains. On the other, seriously? Someone's going to put that much effort into being shot at when she has to be without a weapon?

And, I've researched, been to an office and made several phone calls regarding my appeal. I think I'll write it tomorrow. I need to send it by Friday.

Action is very therapeutic. I feel less a victim when there's something to do. It makes waiting feel more fruitful.

Oh come, oh come Adonai

The Adonai, the Tetragramaton
Grew by a wayside in the light of day.
O you who dared to be a tribal God,
To own a language, people and a place,
Who chose to be exploited and betrayed,
If so you might be met with face to face,
Come to us here, who would not find you there,
Who chose to know the skin and not the pith,
Who heard no more than thunder in the air,
Who marked the mere events and not the myth.
Touch the bare branches of our unbelief
And blaze again like fire in every leaf.
-Malcolm Guite

Our God-with-us

O come, O come, and be our God-with-us
O long-sought With-ness for a world without,
O secret seed, O hidden spring of light.
Come to us, Wisdom, come unspoken Name
Come Root, and Key, and King, and holy Flame,
O quickened little wick so tightly curled,
Be folded with us into time and place,
Unfold for us the mystery of grace
And make a womb of all this wounded world.
O heart of heaven beating in the earth,
O tiny hope within our hopelessness
Come to be born, to bear us to our birth,
To touch a dying world with new-made hands
And make these rags of time our swaddling bands.

-Malcolm Guite

Happy New Year! Happy Advent!

O Sapientia

I cannot think unless I have been thought,
Nor can I speak unless I have been spoken.
I cannot teach except as I am taught,
Or break the bread except as I am broken.
O Mind behind the mind through which I seek,
O Light within the light by which I see,
O Word beneath the words with which I speak,
O founding, unfound Wisdom, finding me,
O sounding Song whose depth is sounding me,
O Memory of time, reminding me,
My Ground of Being, always grounding me,
My Maker’s Bounding Line, defining me,
Come, hidden Wisdom, come with all you bring,
Come to me now, disguised as everything.

by Malcolm GuiteOh Come, Oh Come. Some Advent reflections

recent music fixations

Civil Wars' "Poison and Wine"

Bedouin Soundclash "Brutal Hearts"

So you need smokey eye makeup to listen to these songs because they're so groovy. But, I listen to them in sweat shirts. You have my permission to do the same. Enjoy

thanksgiving

"your burdens are light, but your blessings are heavy... almost too weighty to bear." Ordinary Time

One of my favorite traditions at the high school I went was the Thanksgiving assembly. It usually lasted about an hour and a half, which would usually be a bad thing. But, all the girls could get up to the announcement microphone and list the things for which they were grateful. The litany ranged from the prosaic to the profound: gummy bears and four leaf clovers to recoveries from cancer and peace treaties.

This time of year when the days grow short and the night long, the weather cold and gray... one can palpably feel the dichotomy of mirth and misery that is humanity's lot. On the one hand, the weather is dreary, but on the other, how much more enjoyable is a mug of coffee or a cup of soup. And, it feels so delightful to walk into a toasty room after being out in the cold.

One has a decision to focus on the dreary weather or the bright warmth of the fireplace. It's an excellent and much-needed reminder of choice in interpretation of the data of one's life. I'm enjoying St. Paul's writings a lot more because he wrote a lot of them from prison, and I'm finding consolation in this. He wrote: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about such things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:4-9).

This was written by a guy who was unjustly imprisoned and beaten. Paul had a lot of reasons to be bitter, but he wasn't. He wasn't even self-absorbed in all his suffering. He was still focused on his churches. As I look at the list of whatever is true..., it's a long list. I now realize that sometimes you have to look long and hard to discover the redeemable aspect of the situation. Paul's instructions imply a really tough life: the "always", the "everything", "whatever" and "anything" don't leave room for a comfy, safe life. He says our hearts and minds need to be guarded by something supernatural-- that's really intense. And, it also seems we learn the Christian life by imitating and learning from those on the path before us... living and dead.

I heard a sermon on the radio last night by a Baptist minister who was taking the rejoice always verse above and Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called according to his purpose." He said that Christians kind of use them as proof of how good life is-- along the lines of prosperity gospel. But, he said if you step back and think about what Paul is saying is that God is sovereign and has the power to work good in any circumstance no matter how horrible and dire it is, which is incredibly different than saying God promises believers a good, easy life. Man, look what he did to his own son. But, I also was aware of the kaleidoscope of timing involved in me hearing this sermon so apropos to my situation.

So, although I can't honestly say I'm grateful for being unemployed in a crappy economy, I am grateful for persistent friends who put up with me, for figuring out flaws and illusions in my world view, and the compassion and warmth of a broken heart. I'm learning how little stuff I need. I wouldn't have believed you. My identity is under fire, and that's not all bad, in fact, it's much needed. I have a wonderful family and set of friends who I do not deserve. I can run and walk. I can cook while drinking wine. I have a beautiful dog to pet. Some gorgeous memories to luxuriate in. Friends who have confidence in me despite evidence to the contrary. An excellent spicy pumpkin soup recipe. And, a heart and soul that's being transformed. (Hopefully) I'm becoming more like Charis, Bill, Mandy, Grace, Alvin, Jerry, Mom, etc. and ultimately Jesus.

family day

L cheering
I spent a lot of time with family today and yesterday. It was mostly good time. I got to hang out with my favorite 6 month old and 2.5 year old. The older one now needs a snack for both hands: 2 strawberries, 2 tortilla chips. She bites one and then the other, wearing them down evenly. Apparently food gets lonely on death row and needs some company. I got to get the little one to sleep. Fun with small children. When they were down I got to hang out with their parents. My cousin is trying to convince me to go into the military. He thinks I'd enjoy intelligence or logistics in the Air Force. It'd be interesting, relatively good pay and give me career options when I got out. I don't know. But, I need to think about it. It's not as if I have a cornucopia of options set before me. We also chatted dogs.

I talked Hunger Games with my cousins in 11th, 9th and 6th grades. Peeta or Gale? Which of the trilogy was the best? The burnt bread-- etc.

I have to say the best part about thanksgiving was the drive with my brother and running the 5 miler turkey trot with my sister. We had a lot of fun. I'm feeling sickish, which my brother says is due to me being a hyperchondriac.

I have to say I'm appalled by Black Friday following Thanksgiving-- and the shopping being the more exciting proposition. It makes Thanksgiving seem kind of weak. I'm so thankful for what I have and the important things in life that I'm going to go and buy a lot more crap and go in debt. I did buy some cold medicine and gas today, but nothing out of the ordinary.

perseverance: memorizing poetry

I've been creating a new list of heroes through this desert stroll. No famous, pretty, rich or snotty people, but there are a few successful ones. My friend J is on the list. He's waited for 2.5 years to find a pastor job; he wasn't sitting in a basement twiddling his thumbs. He did all this really cool stuff: wrote a book, started an chaplaincy for elderly in a nursing home, began a fitness regime all while being rejected and dealing with a bureaucratic denomination. When I told him he was my hero in all of this, he laughed it off. But, he always offers extremely kind and useful tips (advice) always in the context of a personal anecdote. For instance, he told me he'd adopted Psalm 51:10-12 as his morning prayer. And, I have too. I've added it to my repertoire of Psalm 70:1.

My friend J who has been through an amazingly brutal marriage and divorce being judged by most of her friends because she refused to disclose why they were getting the divorce to prevent her ex-husband being shamed. She's very beautiful but that's not the beauty she cares about. One time J's daughter told her how pretty her preschool teacher was. And J asked, "Why is she so pretty?" Her daughter said, "Because she loves me. She's pretty on the inside... and her shoes."

This is a good time to be meditating on this new hero list because my fifteen high school reunion is fast approaching, and I was deciding whether or not to go being as I am unemployed, single and childless (at least I'm not fat). A veritable failure in the eyes of my 17 year-old self. But I'm realizing I'm developing a new set of standards of evaluating success. Can I go hang out with people that make lots more money, lead glamorous lives, have good-looking, successful husbands and adorable kids and be myself... and have a good time? I will impress myself. God is at work in me after all.

My sister was reporting how successful her prayer life has been recently. So, of course, I told her that she needed to put it to use on my job search. She paused and then told me that she was praying for me to find peace. She said my restlessness was the root of the problem; unemployment a symptom. Yes, she's the shallow one with the MBA. But, it reminded me of a discussion I had with Mandy about paths of sanctification. We're all getting transformed via different routes. Marriage and singleness are different burdens. Being born in the US or Burundi is a different burden. But we're not alone. That's why I like about J's Ps 51 prayer. Implicit is our helplessness and God's grace and love:

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Restore a steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not from your presence
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Renew the joy of your salvation within me.
Uphold me with a willing spirit.

puff of hope

My visit to Austin was amazing! My friend and her family are great. I didn't want to come back to Charlotte... at all. It's such a nifty city! And, it helps when you're hanging out with cool people. My friend was recovering from the flu, which was sad and made things low key. But, that's cool. It meant we got to sit around and chat a lot. And, we watched North by Northwest, which was good. I'd never seen it; I've only watched Rear Window. I need to get on my Hitchcock.

Max's Wine Dive

We celebrated Jenny's birthday at Max's Wine Dive in downtown Austin. I got to meet Hannah and Laura to of Jenny's hipster friends. One is getting her singer/songwriter career started while working as a software engineer. Another is a student and her boyfriend's in Burundi= fun people to chat with. I had fried chicken, collards, mashed potatoes and texas toast. No prosecco though. It was so yummy. And, it was excellent people watching. First dates are so fun to observe.

Gourdough's Gourmet Donuts

Food Trailers are kind of a big deal in Austin. They seem highly regulated but still manage an avant garde feel. We went to Gourdough's Gourmet Donuts for dessert. It was a thirty-minute wait, which was fine because there were three trailers, lots of picnic tables, good tunes, and lots of people to watch. And, lots of stories.

Baby Rattler

Before I left to go to Austin, my roommate and I discussed how it was seeming clear that God's shutting the door on Charlotte.

unchartered territory

Do you remember the SNL skit with Will Ferrell: "I cannot control the volume of MY VOICE!"? I feel like that. I cannot control the volume or direction of my emotions! I'm having a hard time concentrating. Writing and reading are too much for most of the day. So, I walk the dog. Or pray. Or clean. Or check my email or Craig's List or Facebook.

I got my eyebrows done today for the interview tomorrow. I didn't want to look scary. I love my "brow artist"; she's really cool. But, we were talking about my interview and discussed discernment and she gave me this prayer to pray every morning: "I trust God to guide me to the place where I can use my abilities effectively and constructively. The way to my right place of my employment is now open." The last part sounds a little Oprah and a little less Bible. But, as my uncle wrote, "Sometimes urgency is the catalyst for persistence." This is definitely true in my prayer life. However, what I like about my "brow artist's" prayer is the reminder that God has given me abilities and the world has need of them. Maybe I should read the story of baby Moses and his nannies to get psyched up for the interview. But, I feel like I've lost my moorings. Who am I? What do I want? What purpose do I serve? These questions are little demons who sick on me when I try to go to sleep right now.

"You got a lot of people in your corner kiddo."

Jerry wrote me, "You got a lot of people in your corner kiddo." I feel as if I've been set in a corner for being bad like I was when little. I got more than one chance to meditate on my past actions. I'm not sure my time in the corner reformed me any, but my mom got some one-liners out of my siblings and me after we served our time.

I mixed metaphors. Back to Jerry's Rocky corner metaphor. I have some amazing, faithful friends in my corner. Today I was fixating on some friends that have bailed on me, but that's not important. It's the people who are faithful and supportive when the problem is no longer new and exciting that are phenomenal. Fair weather people are to be expected. It's people who still love you when unemployed and mired in self doubt lacking any sense of direction... and still see the you beyond your circumstances. They're the friends who recognize that you're not happy when circumstances are on track too. I tend to take these friends for granted until times like these and the other people disappear. I would really like to know someone who could help me land my dream job, but I'm stuck with these people who love me through thick and thin instead. I want an easy solution and get something much more big and true instead.

Which brought me around to how unexpected Jesus was as the Messiah. The Jews wanted somebody who'd show the Romans who was boss and take them to task militarily and politically. They got Jesus instead. He didn't beat the Romans, but he beat death. And, it wasn't nearly as spectacular or instantaneous as they would have liked. Jesus did fix some people's problems up, but for the most part he didn't.

So in a nutshell, I'm comparing finding true friends in the midst of this unemployment fiasco to the Jewish race's overall disappointment with Jesus as Messiah, a God who bothered to become man and overcome death for all his people yet managed to overlook ridding them of their urgent problem of Roman tyranny. Yes, I do take myself seriously. But, I come to this over and over again. God and I have very different views of the landscape and the horizon-- we're looking at very different things when we're looking at my life. I'm looking at circumstances and he's looking at the status of my heart and soul. Very different targets (although they might be pretty parallel right now... thoroughly decimated).

My friend Mandy had an amazing post yesterday on this; she called it Gratitude. But it's a poem about Jesus' love that's so different than we want and exactly what we need. It's beautiful. After you read it, you'll regret bothering to read my drivel.

speed job-hunting

One of my big(ger) beefs with looking for a job is how spread out the process is. For instance, the school in the summer took almost two months between turning in my application and getting my rejection letter. You need to have four interviews over a month in order to figure out if you want to hire someone?

Anyway, not today. Today I experienced the job version of speed dating.

I found a job on Craig's List.
9:50 I send email to address.
10:59 Receive email about phone interview.
11:12 I give availability
11:16 set up interview for 2.
2:04-2:19 phone interview. it was a questionnaire.
4:25 I send an email with two clarifications after having walked the dog and rethinking interview.
4:35 Receive polite refusal because I'm overqualified
5:08 I send missive that refutes her position and ask her to reconsider (because after all I have nothing to lose:
"I understand your position, but would like to share my perspective. Your position would be ideal for me and my Master's because I want to adjunct teach at ____. I've talked with the head of the History department I would put me in "adult learner" programs, which translate into a night or weekend class, which is a very part-time job. And, I also love to teach at my church; I'm preparing an Advent seminar right now. So, I'm getting the intellectual stimulation I need; I'm just not getting paid for it. I really do have fun working with children, and they like me too:) Your position would provide a worthwhile, honest, and enjoyable work, and hours, salary and benefits to teach what I love.

"Furthermore, your daughters would benefit from my higher education. All research concludes that whether or not a child goes to college is best determined by her third grade reading scores. And, the single factor that can be quantified about effective teachers is their vocabulary, which I have in spades. So, your investing in me now would have a far better ROI than even than SAT prep tutoring and prep schools, etc. I understand your concerns that are somewhat legitimate, but my benefits far outweigh the dark horse factor (plus, you can't overestimate the power of a bad economy on the fate of a liberal arts major).

"I'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider; I know you'd be pleased."

5:21: receive:
"Okay. You got me. You have valid points. How about a face to face interview on Thursday at our country club?"

So this would have taken far longer in most circles. It's not my dream job, but I'm coming to realize that dream jobs don't really exist. They're kind of like utopias, which literally means "no place" in Greek. And, I failed to mention the three mass emails I sent out today too, which was OVERkill even for me. But, I had no idea how quickly the process would go.

I don't know what God's doing in this and if I'll get the job, but I do know Sasha dog is snoring at my feet... because we went on two walks today.

Gerard Manley Hopkins on Advent/Waiting

“Patience, Hard Thing!”
Patience, hard thing! the hard thing but to pray,
But bid for, Patience is! Patience who asks
Wants war, wants wounds; weary his times, his tasks;
To do without, take tosses, and obey.
Rare patience roots in these, and, these away,
Nowhere. Natural heart’s ivy, Patience masks
Our ruins of wrecked past purpose. There she basks
Purple eyes and seas of liquid leaves all day.
We hear our hearts grate on themselves: it kills
To bruise them dearer. Yet the rebellious wills
Of us we do bid God bend to him even so.
And where is he who more and more distils
Delicious kindness?—He is patient. Patience fills
His crisp combs, and that comes those ways we know.

George Herbert on Advent/Christmas

The shepherds sing; and shall I silent be?
My God, no hymn for Thee?
My soul's a shepherd too; a flock it feeds
Of thoughts, and words, and deeds.
The pasture is Thy word: the streams, Thy grace
Enriching all the place.
Shepherd and flock shall sing, and all my powers
Outsing the daylight hours.
Then will we chide the sun for letting night
Take up his place and right:
We sing one common Lord; wherefore he should
Himself the candle hold.
I will go searching, till I find a sun
Shall stay, till we have done;
A willing shiner, that shall shine as gladly,
As frost-nipped suns look sadly.
Then will we sing, and shine all our own day,
And one another pay:
His beams shall cheer my breast, and both so twine,
Till ev'n His beams sing, and my music shine.

unofficial coach

Somebody really awesome called me her coach today! Woot. It went like this:
"Hi. Just wanted you (my coach) to know that I jogged again today. Think I'm a little over a mile right now (not quite 1.5 miles, but close). Felt so good to be out in the fresh air and sunshine today...."

And, I got up at 6:30 on a Saturday to watch my uncle run his first 5k. It was pretty awesome even if he came in dead last. There were only 36 runners and some of them fell out... you'd think it was a pretty tough course. Apparently my presence at a top of a hill provided motivation to keep running (so it was a less slow dead last). Yep.

So during my own running desert (two puny runs a week at bes), I'm serving as a coach for others. There's a profound metaphor sewn in this somewhere.

Ecclesiastes #9

My day was a downer, and I was dreading bible study. Women and talking. But, it was really helpful. We laughed a lot, which was much needed.

I've started Tolstoy's War and Peace (p. 60 of 1150-- getting it done). Maybe I'll remember this year as the Tolstoy year instead of the year of my employment discontent.

Also, my advent class is set. You're welcome to come!!
An Introduction to Advent. On Saturday, December 3, 2011, Pinkling will be conducting an interactive seminar on the season of Advent from 9:00-11:30 at the church office. We’ll be looking at the advents of Christ through the lens of tradition, the characters of the nativity, the Psalms of Ascent, and the O Antiphons. It’ll be an exploration of Advent through means of Scripture, poetry, music and art. Come, learn more, and celebrate this wonderful season in the church calendar! Participants receive a free Advent devotional book.

Don't you like how we're bribing them? Nice. I'm that compelling of a teacher.

TS Eliot on Advent

*

Final stanza of "The Journey of the Magi"


All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

*http://www.cityside.org.nz/node/642

Auden on Advent

The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.
Was it to meet such grinning evidence
We left our richly odored ignorance?
Was the triumphant answer to be this?
The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.

We who die must demand a miracle.
How could the Eternal do a temporal act,
The Infinite become a finite fact?
Nothing can save us that is possible:
We who die must demand a miracle.


The Summons
Star of the Nativity
....
Beware. All those who follow me are led
Onto that Glassy Mountain where are no
Footholds for logic, to that Bridge of Dread
Where knowledge but increases vertigo:
Those who pursue me take a twisting lane
To find themselves immediately alone
With savage water or unfeeling stone;
In labyrinths where they must entertain
Confusion, cripples, tigers, thunder, pain.

V

Chorale

Our Father, whose creative Will
Asked Being for us all,
Confirm it that Thy Primal Love
May weave in us the freedom of
The actually deficient on
The justly actual.

Though written by Thy children with
A smudged and crooked line,
Thy Word is ever legible,
Thy Meaning unequivocal,
And for Thy Goodness even sin
Is valid as a sign.

Inflict Thy promises with each
Occasion of distress,
That from our incoherence we
May learn to put our trust in Thee,
And brutal fact persuade us to
Adventure, Art, and Peace.

bummer

The interview. Yeah... about that. I need to psyche myself up for things, especially if I'm not that excited about them. I got dressed up, which I thought would do the trick. But, I needed more than my thrift store finds to get me through this interview. Plus, there was a huge gap in the amount of work and responsibility and the pay. I'm basically supposed to start a business from scratch working 20 hours a week making $14 an hour with no benefits. What's in it for me? There was no teaching. I did not have a good attitude. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't Pollyanna. I didn't ooze enthusiasm.

The important part of my day was interior. I think Holy Spirit day hit me this afternoon. I really had some insights into my heart and life that were sobering yet encouraging. It happened while I read the last chapters of Cliff Williams' Singleness of Heart.

Another quote

I was at church for over seven hours today! Yikes. And, I should say at the YMCA because there is no church. I enjoyed it. I read the Scripture (Daniel 4:27-37 and I Thess 4:13-18). The sermon was topical on God's Sovereignty. But, back to me, I got compliments on my reading, but I had really good material. King Nebachednezzar going crazy gives the reader something with which to work. And, I met a cool guy during set up. We went to the same university but he graduated last year; we had some of the same professors. That was nice.

Quotation: "Everything has beauty" Confucius. I profoundly disagree with this statement. It in fact makes me upset because it sounds good, but it has terrible implications. There's beauty in genocide, infanticide, AIDS, slavery? Think a little, people. God can redeem things-- that makes God beautiful not the horrid circumstances.

***Update: I wrote my question as a comment on the pinterest pin and received a livid response. (I did write more tactfully than above.) My friend said my question was absurd. But, in my defense, I think genocide, etc. fall under the umbrella of "everything". I probably shouldn't have said anything because she took it as a personal attack. The beauty in this situation is: I think I'm going to use this as the starting question for my advent class-- we are in some desperate need of some true beauty in this broken world.

excitement with Alpha or Alpha!

Kendra Baird's painting
We had Holy Spirit day today. It was a slow start. I fell asleep during the TWO video lectures in the morning, an inauspicious beginning for sure. But, I went on a gorgeous walk with the lady from Montreal in my group and talked about the numerous parallels our very different lives have. We had way too much food, which depressed me because I knew how much it cost. However, a guy took the leftovers sans vegetable tray to the Men's Shelter. So, that was a good ending.

The awesome part of the day came after lunch: the hour and a half of prayer time. There was 45 minutes of soaking prayer and 45 minutes of intercessory prayer. I was on the receiving end of the soaking prayer, which was much needed. Then, Joy and I went around and prayed for all the women in the room. We asked them what they wanted to pray and then we took turns praying over them. (Someone referred to us as the minimalist team because we were few in words. I don't think it was a complaint rather a comparison.) It was an amazing blessing to pray with these women. I was overwhelmed by how much God loves each of us and struck by his design of our souls and lives. I guess we were a group of normal (boring?) people, but praying makes you aware of a much bigger and deeper story of which we're all a part. Our lives are not our own-- they belong to God and to each other. Talking about gifts of the Spirit brought home how God blesses individuals in order to bless the church. Being surrounded by these fellow course members was encouraging despite the lack of fireworks and feats of wonder. It was a lovely day; I'm glad I came. It provided some context. To quote Rowan Williams, we're all being "unmade in order to be remade" and the "goal of a Christian life is not enlightenment but wholeness."

much needed quotation

When we begin to believe God can provide the unexpected, we won't live our lives with doubts and constraints. -Cliff Young

I'm suffocating from doubt and self-imposed constraints right now. Today, I really busted after yesterday's loveliness with this thought, "I'm excited about an interview to become a secretary-- where did I go wrong?" I've just been feeling angst about all the things I don't have today. But, this is where faith is faith. God is good and sovereign-- reading in I Kings this morning was a good reminder.

crest!

"Autumn Rain" by Cynthia Herron on the Freed Gallery

So, today was a fantastic day for me! 1) A business called me this morning to set up an interview (Monday at 7:15). 2) Then, a manager from a tutoring business interviewed me by phone, and I got the job. 3) And, then after that news, I got an email from a school I applied to over a month ago to fill out a survey for the headmistress. THIS is the job I really want. It's a secretary, but it's good hours at a good school and would be good for also tutoring and teaching adjunct. 4) As if that wasn't enough, I went to the thrift shop and found a gorgeous coral sweater set for $6 and an old charcoal gray wool skirt (old= really good material, excellent construction and classic style) $7. 5) Had a fantastic time celebrating my brother's 24th birthday with him and my mom. It's a low key kind of a birthday, and he was okay with that. Both their pastors came by, and all three of us were drinking. (This is kind of bad in the South, the younger pastor actually said something (haha).)

But, my excellent day was the ying to my sister's yang day. The bottom fell out for her. But, she was a good sport and said that the ying went to me instead of some total stranger. We like to keep the highs and lows in the family.

My sister's heart break and my hopefulness are a microcosm of the world and reminded me of this Advent quotations:

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5

"I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny." Kathleen Norris

I would say it confronts with the gloriousness and wretchedness of our humanness and ultimately our helplessness. And, it reframes it in the context of God's forever loving kindness. His withness. His compassion for us. We who can't help ourselves our made complete by the Creator of the universe.

I'm listening to a steady downpour of rain. It's lovely and relaxing. It's also a metaphor of God's blessing in the OT and in Charlotte, NC.

on marriage

from Amazon


Tim and Kathy Keller have just released a book on marriage titled The Meaning of Marriage, based on a popular sermon series he did. I love reading about marriage, but I haven't read it yet. My favorite book on marriage is by a Regent grad called The Mystery of Marriage. So, maybe this will rank up there. We will see.

However, I did watch the The Meaning of Marriage live discussion tonight. It was thought provoking.

What I like about these books (presuming the discussion is related to the book) is that they're primarily about your relationship with God and present marriage as a catalyst in becoming holy. God will sanctify his people anyway he pleases. I'm not sure evangelicals have really bought into this. Bethany was a moderator, and she talked about how to apply the ideas to her life as a single. She said it was easy: loving the stranger and confronting your selfishness (plenty of opportunity for that as a single), embracing femininity (or masculinity as the case may be) doesn't require marriage, loving and forgiving someone who's hurt you-- single people have friends and family for that too.

So, oddly, reading about marriage makes me more content about being single. It fights all my urges to settle for a nice guy-- there's a lot on the line. And, last month a friend's husband contacted me to buy me a flight to her birthday party in Austin, TX so I can come for the weekend. If I were to get married, I want a husband who not only remembers my birthday but knows my random friends and contacts them on my behalf (he hasn't even met me in person). Tim Keller kept on talking about your spouse as your best friend and counsellor. That you fall in love with the person God is making him into and vice versa. Books like these raise the bar.

Advent: 2nd Coming

Come, Lord Jesus!

Come, Lord Jesus! Do I dare
Cry: Lord Jesus, quickly come!
Flash the lightning in the air,
Crash the thunder on my home!
Should I speak this awful prayer?
Come, Lord Jesus, help me dare.

Come, Lord Jesus! You I call
To come (come soon!) are not the child
Who lay once in the manger stall
Are not the infant meek and mild.
You come in judgment on our all:
Help me to know you, whom I call.

Come, Lord Jesus! Come this night
With your purging and your power,
For the earth is dark with blight
And in sin we run and cower
Before the splendid, raging sight
Of the breaking of the night.

Come, my Lord! Our darkness end!
Break the bonds of time and space.
All the powers of evil rend
By the radiance of your face.
The laughing stars with joy attend:
Come Lord Jesus! By my end!

L'engle

I can't get this to fit on a power point slide. Should I break it up or just pick a couple of stanzas? If a break up, which stanzas would you choose?

My faux dog or "my" dog

Sasha
I live with a dog named Sasha. He's 100% mutt and excellent company. He's very pretty and not too smart. As we all know, this is a good thing. Canine intelligence is a terrible thing: the dog and his humans end up extremely frustrated. They don't have words only paws and teeth and incoherent barking. I emphasize the positive: "beautiful coat", "you're so quiet", "you're excellent company", etc. However, he prefers to hear his name to be sung, "Sasha sasha sasha sasha sasha." He finds the repetition pleasing. His tail wags in beat as I chant.

We enjoy walking but have separate expectations, which can lead to not good outcomes. Plus, he's obscenely furry and it gets everywhere. He's been extremely patient training me. I'm learning his language, which involves very little barking. He communicates mostly with his front paws and snout.
Sasha Asleep

valley day

Very rough. Looking for an exit strategy for this juncture of my life.

Highlights: going to the two art museums: The Bechtler and The Mint. It was my first time at the Bechtler because we were having a standoff about the price of admission. I won. Today was free thanks to Wells Fargo. I saw some amazing art, and I really like the architecture of the buildings. I had my fill of squawking children though.

Great walk with the dog. I love getting compliments about what a wonderful dog he is from strangers when he isn't my dog. I'm quite smitten with him, and my brother makes fun of me. He asks, "How's Sasha?" At least once per conversation.

Good prayer. Beautiful but cold day.

Resolutions:
Move out by May 1st.
Do NaNoWriMo 2011.
Get Microsoft Office for my computer and set up a printer for it. This is driving me nuts.
Read Lilies of the Field this week.

I should be in bed, but my mind and heart are so tightly coiled that my muscles are tense. Love it.

linked in

I looked up a ton of people I know on Linked In today. It'll bring my numbers to over 100. It felt like I was doing something somewhat useful, but maybe I was just playing around on the internet, which I feel like I do on a regular basis. I'm lacking focus these days. I need to schedule my days more thoroughly so that I end up accomplishing what I intend to not something random.

It's not as if I watch TV during the day, but I end up getting side tracked, which is frustrating. I need more architecture to my day. I get up by 8am, but maybe I should make that seven because I am a morning person. And, I get interrupted a lot. That's my other excuse. I'm technically a victim here.

I talked to a lady at the Employment Commission, and her advice was "be patient" because it will take them 6-8 weeks to process my appeal. Nice. And, I followed up with two other leads. First one, I heard nothing after a phone call and email. Second one, I found out 34 people are applying to the job I was sure was a shoe-in. Feeling a little overwhelmed and perplexed. Sending out CVs and applications feels like I'm hurling a pebble off a cliff-- absolutely no feedback to where or when it hits.

Waiting is so hard. I guess that's why I'm being so drawn to Advent right now. So much of the Christian life is spent in waiting... and ordinary time. One must learn how to be comfortable with silence and the unknown-- I'm a puny human. It's completely mystery to think that Jesus willingly became so limited and vulnerable. I guess, he of all people/gods knew what capable hands he would be in.

It's a time for reassessment and growth if I don't completely lose my moorings. As scared as I am, I think I still feel better than feeling trapped in a job I hate. We'll take the temperature on that a couple of months from now. The biggest thing I'm losing out on is going to my friend's wedding in India, which is sad. But, I may not have been able to go if I had job either.

Augustine's Prayer (my favorite)

delapidated cottage from geograph

My soul is like a house,
small for you to enter,
but I pray you to enlarge it.
It is in ruins,
but I ask you to remake it.
It contains much you will not be pleased to see:
this I know and do not hide. Confessions 1.5

craig's list is sketchy

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

weirdness and waiting

(spoiler alert: 2+2 remains 2+2; there is no resolution. But, if you're a regular, you're used to it.)

funeral
+job application
+cousin having baby (it's a girl)
+gut-wrenching conversation with a friend with a broken heart
+studying Advent (2 very different wreaths: 1) hope, faith, joy, & love 2) patriarchs, prophets, John the Baptist, Mary)
+Mexican for lunch
+car inspection and tag renewal
=Today

Life is all about weird juxtaposition. The profound and profane all crowded and jostled in the same subway car. Death, birth, bureaucracy, grace, red tape, enlightenment, boredom, laughter, disappointment.

Thought of the day: I've been role-playing through the Advent Cast: Mary, Joseph, John the Baptist, Wise Men, shepherds, etc., trying to unlock the spiritual/practical application of the historical story. (I can't help myself. I spent several semesters studying Lectio Divina.) Mary is self-explanatory-- Jesus lives and grows inside us in a nutshell. I was wrestling with Joseph-- he clearly demonstrates obedience and servanthood. But, upon my conversation with my friend, I think I may see Joseph as the role of the broken-hearted and shattered/unfulfilled-dreamers. Imagine what he must to have gone through if he loved Mary; he arrives at treating Mary with some dignity on his own. However, God doesn't let him off the hook. He's called to go into this continent of self-denial and faith that's far beyond normal expectation. It's like a precursor of the Sermon on the Mount mixed with Job post apocalypse where he gets double the children.

To sum up the rest of this incoherent post I'll quote my mom's response to my blathering on about Advent: "Studying is fun, isn't it?" You may read on if you wish.

There are the three comings Advent celebrates/acknowledges:

1. his arrival into history/incarnation
2. his return/second coming
3. intermediate entrance into our lives

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. -Romans 8:22-5 (Message)

I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny. Kathleen Norris

the beach

I just got back from a long weekend at the beach with my immediate family. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm sunburned and have a huge cut on my forehead, but it's all for a good cause. The weather was gorgeous. People were in a good mood. Water is cathartic. I read about half of Empire Falls. I walked along the beach and the dunes. I love dunes.

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's funeral. There was a member of the church that thought she was my grandmother (I guess because she always sat with us during the Sunday service). I'm not sad because she's so much better off. But, I will miss her, her keen wit and her confidence in me very much. She's the kind of woman you'd name a daughter after.

Ultimate Hike

While I'm relaxing at the beach this weekend with my family, my former roommate is doing a 25 mile Ultimate Hike to raise money for children's cancer... or children with cancer. I think she's raising 2500 dollars, which she has another month to raise. I think she still needs another $1000. I think that's stressing her out more than the actual hike; she's counting on adrenaline for that. It'll be in the mountains. I think she'll have an amazing time. We shall see.

Let me know if you're interested in sponsoring her, and I'll give you her name. I wish I had more money to give, but time is what I have right now.

Cancer affects everyone. My present roommate had breast cancer. A woman I work with on Alpha has a mom that just found out that it came back in her bones. The mom of one of my best friends is fighting a very aggressive form; here's her Cancer Wars blog. A woman my sister just through a baby shower for a cancer survivor. Four other people spring to mind. And, I'm sure anyone can list people with cancer; I went to a funeral less than a month ago for a cancer victim. It's concrete evil. And, to think little babies die of it, and that it's just as present in countries that don't have our medical technology to deal with it effectively. Kyrie eleison. Go Kristen!!

head above water

Rough week. If I can make it to Friday, I'll make it to the Outer Banks. And if I make it to the Outer Banks, all will be well. I love the beach this time of the year! Right now, I'm in survival mode but meeting a friend for wine this afternoon helped me smile and put things in perspective. Friends are good.

baby mop

Baby Mop link
So, I didn't end up making edible bread today. However, I did make some metaphorical bread when my aunt said, "I really like your purse." I immediately asked, "Enough to buy it?" And, a deal was struck. She said she had the cash on her, and I said she could have the bag then and there. I learned my lesson-- one must seize a transaction when one notice's it. Strike while the iron is hot. This looking for a job stint is really transforming my relationship to stuff. I'm getting far less emotionally attached. It's stuff. It helps that my Bible study last night was on Ecclesiastes 6, which is about stuff.

Happy stuff: Doesn't that baby mop do your heart glad on so many levels? I found this on pinterest, which is yet another online black hole to suck your life force. So, of course, I like it. My sister contends that pinterest is the dumbed down (i.e. "feminized" version) of digg. She may be right. However, the baby mop reminds me of dogs carrying packs on hikes. I swear the dog and the baby are psyched about pitching in for the greater good!
dog carrier link

bread

I really want to make some bread. In the concrete sense (and the metaphorical one too). I think I'm going to try tomorrow. I really like cooking, especially now that I have a decent kitchen to work in. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm at an impasse at finding a job; I called and sent out over twenty resumes this week and am feeling emotionally drained (as lame as that is). So, I think I'll take a long weekend and come back Monday revived and energized about looking for my dream job. My bible study on Ecclesiastes is timely. There's a time to study Ecclesiastes and a time to study James.

My friend's mom is having a really good day! And, people donated enough money and miles so that her sister can fly home four times to see her family over the next two months; she disengaged the donate button. How cool is that?!? God is good. (This does fit in-- give us our daily bread.)

reading material

Oh, how the West has gone awry. Here are some articles on how we tweak the basics and come up short. None of this is new... not even the articles.Haiti Doesn't Need Your Old Tshirt
Steve Jobs: Secular Prophet

ignorance

I have no idea went on the world today: how South Sudan is doing, how Wall Street is crumbling, who's running in the different primaries. It's nice and scary. Needing a job does give me more overall focus, but I'm taking it a little far. And, I cancelled my subscriptions that kept me smart: Atlantic, Economist, Nat Geo, Runner's World because it was an easy way to save money. Now, I'm reading books. I read some smarmy 19th century short stories (Colette and Somerset Maugham), a cookbook and commentaries on the Psalms and Ecclesiastes. My roommate has decided to resubscribe to the newspaper; this is good.

machine gun approach= always fun

I think my roommate is concerned about my being able to pay rent. We just sat around for 45 minutes discussing different types of teaching jobs I'm willing and able to do. Substituting is not an option: that's my absolute worst nightmare. My roommate's big into me capitalizing on my ESL experience with Koreans and Japanese. So, tutoring for reading or ESL for third graders through college students-- we wrote down names of schools from ritzy to non-ritzy for possible students. Private and public schools, community colleges, etc. Plus, there's the gargantuan home-school contingent that I might be able to break into and get paid to teach somehow (I have some names of home-schooling moms to call and start investigating opportunities). I hadn't even considered that where I live, but it's worth looking into. I also need to look into high-end nannying not the ones where you clean the toilets while the kids watch cartoons and drink kool aid (I have a number for a woman with a master's who nannies and get paid on her education-- I'm going to call her).

I made my (unsuccessful) collection calls today-- just to remind the people that owe me money that I remember that they owe me money and that I, in fact, need the money. I received an email that one adjunct position isn't available. But, I got a phone call from a better school about some history classes for the summer and fall. That sounds so far away, especially the fall. And, I'm not sure I want to commit to staying in Charlotte so I can teach a single class. But, I'm jumping the gun. Who knows if they're even interested in me?

And, I added about twenty more books to my amazon account. And, I read articles on Squidoo for about an hour and am starting to get an idea about what to do for that. And, I looked at some Christian think tank in Cali, which would be beyond a dream job-- I'll look into the organization. I'm praying and acting so something is going to have to eventually sprout. "When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't, they don't." - William Temple

If you have any good ideas, please message me! I'm open to

all does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

We sang this in high school, then I read it in Lord of the Rings in college. My brother and I made numerous hobbit references on our hike Wednesday such as "I don't think we're going to have elevensies," which led me to think about this poem that is a poignant reminder of hope and the deeper reality. I get mesmerized by glitter of what I feel I should be and am not, and I have definitely mastered the art of wandering. But, all is not lost... ever. Whether in my job search or with Mandy's mom or in friendship or in unfulfilling work.

I had some reminders this week: yesterday and tonight as I unpacked my books from Vancouver, I had a heavy reminder of my passion in boxes. I have all these books on Christian spirituality, writing and poetry. I lose my moorings every now and then, including this week. But, these books reminded me that I do know some stuff. I've read hundreds of books on some subjects-- not that that makes me an expert, but it is something to offer.

Last Alpha, a student I taught my first year of teaching appeared outside the conference room serendipitously when I was playing around the book table. He recognized me. It was so cool. He stayed, ate, listened to the lecture and stayed for the discussion. It was really cool. That year was so miserable, but he was definitely a highlight. He won my Social Studies award. So, it felt like a consolation from God to tell me all was not lost those three years teaching in Nowhere, NC.

On Thursday, a church lady said, "Why is it that I always laugh when I'm near you?" I told her that I hoped it wasn't my sense of style. But, that comment was so encouraging. I do have that affect on some people (and vice versa), maybe there's a future for me in edutainment after all. It was also a good reminder to focus my attention on people that enjoy me instead of trying to vie for attention from uninterested people.

Then after I lamented about having no friends in town, I ran into a girl from my Sermon on the Mount Bible study at a party. I told her about all the stuff that was weighing me down, and she gladly listened. We're even getting together for wine later in the week.

It was a rough week largely due to no leads and the waiting. But, I started a whole new business venture. I need to learn how to remember whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, instead of the people who didn't answer my emails or calls. I should think about the kind words, the gorgeous weather, the exciting new adventures, the time spent with friends and family. But, I've been wallowing in the rejection I've experienced. There was plenty of gold in my week despite the dross.

This post is quite similar to this one I wrote almost three years ago: tangential meditation. I remembered it because somebody got to the page via googling "transgenital meditation". That made me laugh. And, my post made me realize that I'm in the same struggle I always am.

5 books and nothing

So as I continue to hunt jobs to no avail, I need income. People aren't interested in my teaching services, so I had to think about what I have that somebody else might find valuable. Books. More precisely, some of my books. I went through my books and chose ones that I could part with and checked if they have any value on Amazon. A lot of them had no value, but some of them were worth over $50.

On Wednesday, I sold five books! I got really excited because one was a text book at $45, which made all the 4-5 buck books feel more worthwhile. I think I could definitely get into selling books, but I'm not sure it's the equivalent to a job. It's more in line with a hobby. I love to buy (and read) books. So, I've made arrangements to get my books out of storage and see if how many of them I would want to and could sell.

Today and yesterday have been rough. I'm realizing I don't have a really close friend and Charlotte with whom I could share. The last time I talked with someone about being unemployed, she asked me for a loan within two weeks of the conversation. It felt wrong on so many levels.

People are great at giving out vague encouragement and giving me ideas for jobs. I'm not substituting because that is hell on earth-- maybe for $1000/day. But, that's not the going rate. And, people talk about adjunct positions. I really need to know somebody at the schools. It's disheartening to apply to a job for several hours and not even get a response.

There's a part of me that really wants to start a business, which the posting-books-on-Amazon thing has really tapped into. My sister the marketer told me that I'm right on trend with selling my stuff; she even sent me an article. I've been thinking of different ideas. I like books, clothes, teaching and Christian spirituality. I'd really like to get some kind of online co-op/rental local thing going. I'm thinking with fancy clothes, juicers, tents, etc. People could list them and other people could rent them. Somewhere between Craig's List and Zilok and retalicand even Etsy and blog on 30 plus online clothing rental. Or, a clearing house for teachers who want to tutor and parents who need tutors. I would charge a small fee to the teachers, but it would allow them to make a lot more money (probably twice) than working for a tutoring company. So, I need to research all the different businesses and see the feasibility for me and this area. I need to look at structures and business models and figure out possible problems, the proper audience, marketing, fundraising, etc. My sister is good to remind me to use the down/hard times for tough reflection and motivation.

And, I've made two more resolutions on becoming self sufficient and simplifying. One, I want to buy no more than 3 new pieces of clothing for a year. I started in September; I'm already a month into this resolution. I can shop at second-hand stores or swap clothes. So, I'm excited about this proposition. Two, I'm going to stop dating for a while-- at least a month but maybe until the New Year. We shall see. I need to focus on my professional status and identity. I need just straight up friends to offer laughter, fun and a reality outside this little bubble of trouble in order to keep me grounded.

kyrie elieson

The saddest news just bowled me over. The most dear mom of one of my very dear friends received news see has terminal cancer. She's beautiful in so many ways, and so many lives just got jolted into unknown, dark, scary, lonely territory. My friend laments that her daughter is only a year old and will not get the chance to know or be known by her. Rightfully so. What will her dad do? How much pain will she endure? We are so frail and vulnerable.

It, of course, made me think about what I'd do if my mom died. I have no idea--my siblings and I would be so lost. I ache for my friend and her family.

Last week, my sister had a long conversation with a lady about her life. The lady wrapped up by saying, "You're really lucky that your mother loves you." My sister was taken aback: of course, our mother loves her. Then she thought about it, and realized that a mother's love isn't a given. We are well loved, and so is my friend.

Family is a mix of the prosaic and the profound. For instance, I went to the Cleveland County Fair with my brother and rode all the rides that didn't go upside-down. We fed carrots to llamas and ostriches, looked at the winning Lego fort (with soldiers and monkeys defending it), and got lost on the way up. I was very conscious of the memory we were making at several junctions like when I asked a lady in her 60's decked out in camo for directions or when we were questioning the beach scene backdrop for the ride called "Tornado"-- do they mean hurricane? Even when we came back to the house, my brother offered me some "Christmas candy". Only we would know what he was talking about. Most of the profound stuff is beyond words and falls under the "things good are small and fragile." A mom's love is experienced not explained. Your family is deeply woven into your soul and reality's fabric. Something happening to them rips and alters your very being. After all, we're made in the image of the triune God.

So sad. So helpless. Please pray.

why Flannery O'Connor?

She was an awkward smart aleck from the South that wrote stark, true stories. She loved birds. She went to Mass everyday during Iowa's Writer's Conference. She knew she was brilliant, and honored her genius through hard work and a monastic lifestyle. It wasn't hubris, it was focus. She lived a determined life. She thought deeply about faith, life and God. There's nothing frou-frou about her. Apparently, she had a very nasal Southern drawl and the drollest sense of humor around. She died of Lupus at a young age and didn't seem to bury herself with self pity. She wasn't pretty in a culture that judged women by that sole criterium; she didn't care. She had some very deep, lifelong friendships.‎ She loved people, but her love lacked sentimentality. She believed in the power and value of art. She strove for perfection. She believed in sin. She makes Christianity appealing for those of us who aren't nice.

She makes me want to write a short story. She makes me do a double take on my everyday experience.

Quotations:

"The truth will make you odd."

"You tell a story because a statement would be inadequate. When anybody asks what a story is about, the only proper thing is to tell them to read the story. The meaning of fiction is not abstract meaning but experienced reading, and the purpose of making statements about the meaning of a story is only to help you experience that meaning more fully."