all does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

We sang this in high school, then I read it in Lord of the Rings in college. My brother and I made numerous hobbit references on our hike Wednesday such as "I don't think we're going to have elevensies," which led me to think about this poem that is a poignant reminder of hope and the deeper reality. I get mesmerized by glitter of what I feel I should be and am not, and I have definitely mastered the art of wandering. But, all is not lost... ever. Whether in my job search or with Mandy's mom or in friendship or in unfulfilling work.

I had some reminders this week: yesterday and tonight as I unpacked my books from Vancouver, I had a heavy reminder of my passion in boxes. I have all these books on Christian spirituality, writing and poetry. I lose my moorings every now and then, including this week. But, these books reminded me that I do know some stuff. I've read hundreds of books on some subjects-- not that that makes me an expert, but it is something to offer.

Last Alpha, a student I taught my first year of teaching appeared outside the conference room serendipitously when I was playing around the book table. He recognized me. It was so cool. He stayed, ate, listened to the lecture and stayed for the discussion. It was really cool. That year was so miserable, but he was definitely a highlight. He won my Social Studies award. So, it felt like a consolation from God to tell me all was not lost those three years teaching in Nowhere, NC.

On Thursday, a church lady said, "Why is it that I always laugh when I'm near you?" I told her that I hoped it wasn't my sense of style. But, that comment was so encouraging. I do have that affect on some people (and vice versa), maybe there's a future for me in edutainment after all. It was also a good reminder to focus my attention on people that enjoy me instead of trying to vie for attention from uninterested people.

Then after I lamented about having no friends in town, I ran into a girl from my Sermon on the Mount Bible study at a party. I told her about all the stuff that was weighing me down, and she gladly listened. We're even getting together for wine later in the week.

It was a rough week largely due to no leads and the waiting. But, I started a whole new business venture. I need to learn how to remember whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, instead of the people who didn't answer my emails or calls. I should think about the kind words, the gorgeous weather, the exciting new adventures, the time spent with friends and family. But, I've been wallowing in the rejection I've experienced. There was plenty of gold in my week despite the dross.

This post is quite similar to this one I wrote almost three years ago: tangential meditation. I remembered it because somebody got to the page via googling "transgenital meditation". That made me laugh. And, my post made me realize that I'm in the same struggle I always am.