Friday or Monday

At 8:52 pm, the head of the middle school called to let me know they offered the job to another candidate because she had experience teaching two AP History classes. He then told me to consider the school in the future.  I responded, "Thanks."

Back to the drawing boards... yet again.  Each time I feel more diminished and less human... even though it's never personal... and never me.

No Olympics today, but up until the phone call of death the day was good.  I spent it with my mom, aunt and great aunt in Greensboro, enjoying one another's company.

A Hike

the view

Thanks to Amanda's comment, I felt inspired to have fun.  I was at a loss to do something on my budget, and then it came to me. I went on one of my favorite hikes: Crowder's Mountain.  It's about six miles, nearby, and involves a mountain.  It usually takes about 2 hours to do it, but today was hot... even in the shade.  And, it was crowded because it was the weekend. So, those are my excuses to why it took over three hours.  I enjoyed myself-- taking breaks at scenic stops that I usually rush past, drinking water.  I was reminded why we sweat: the breeze felt so nice!

Rock Top Trail

Then, I came home and had a big, fat nap after a big, fat lunch!  I read some about ancient Rome.  I chatted with one of my old roommates and found out that it's National Dance Day.  (Happy National Dance Day to you!)  I ate watermelon for dinner!  I got an email from a college friend!  I ate three desserts!  Boom.

It's a climb!

Now, I've officially gotten sucked into the Olympics.  Gymnastics, swimming, beach volleyball.  I almost cried with the story about John Orozco, the gymnast from the Bronx.  I'm even enjoying Ryan Lochte's cockiness; it's cute since it's earned.

But, what's so compelling is the beauty and happiness of a win... no matter what nation.  I'm no fan of China-- I was not impressed with them bullying Taiwan, and the Olympic Committee cowling to the Chinese.  But, I caught myself cheering for some Chinese athletes.  It's like a friend said, "You can't be mean to a child because of something his parents did."  The same goes with the athletes.

London Olympics 2012

Inspiration galore!  Yes, I was watching the opening of the games and got so pumped I went for a run.  The Olympics are exciting... and oddly motivating for someone who's far past the possibility of entering.  Unless, I take up archery.  But, ever since The Hunger Games and Katniss, I think the pool got far more competitive.

P.S. I think the camera men were actually men at the Opening Ceremony, based on the allotment of shots geared at pretty girls.  There were lots of cute guys that didn't get adequate air time.

so tired...

I'm drinking a 8.50 glass of really crappy CabSav and am finished with the 1.5 days of interviewing.  I don't feel overly interviewed (but utterly exhausted) after all of it because they talked more than I did for the most part (I'm not sure if that's good or bad).  I feel like I met some interesting people.  I don't know if that's a good or bad sign.  I felt a lot better about the position up until I was getting into the cab, and the guy told me that I was one of three candidates, and that I would hear from him Friday or Monday.  He told me that he wanted to leave no stone unturned.  That comment just inserted a storm cloud into my blue skies.

I thought it went well.  But, now I'm wondering if it did, in fact, go well.  I guess this is where faith kicks in.  Persistence enters stage left. I think I'd enjoy the school and would be a good fit.  It was far more laid-back than the last school at which I interviewed last.  It was unpretentious.  The school motto is even (gasp) in English... not translated Latin.  Classes are short, which is a good thing in my book.  One teacher I spoke with said, "I like this school because I'm treated like I'm a professional, who I am."

I'm concerned because I'm probably one of the more expensive candidates. The guy spoke about how much using the teacher placement service cost: 3-4k if they hire me.  They'd probably also offer me housing (at no cost to me).  On the other hand, a local wouldn't have any of those additional costs.  Schools have budgets too; even very chihuahua ones.

Then again, there were some positives.  They flew me in.  I was a rower, and rowing coaches are hard to find.  I've taught Language Arts, and there's a strong emphasis on writing in this course.  They finger printed me for a background check.  I have the same alma mater as the guy who interviewed me.  People seemed to like me, but it's harder to tell with well-mannered people.

Regardless, come Monday, I exit this psychological limbo of possibility.  I pray that I'm strong enough for both outcomes.  Supporting two possible futures is sometimes overwhelming.

weekend of family!!!

Saturday Afternoon

Happy Couple

Birthday Girl!

practice makes perfect

I decided to do my homework and find some interview questions.  I found some really good questions out there on the internets.  Ones that regard my philosophy of education, how I evaluate mastery, what the necessary elements are in designing a lesson.

It made me remember all the things I love about teaching and "middle level" students.  Middle school is more hands-on teaching, which is so much more fun and interesting than discussing facts.  Maybe we'll build a plan of a city, or design an outfit that a person would wear in the middle ages.  We'll get to connect current events with the motifs that we're studying.  After all, the human condition is universal.  Of course I lecture, but I get to use Socratic method and secondary methods (creating a group project that the students can extract the information and ideas from together for themselves).  There's such a high from hearing your students having an interesting conversation about the material, esp. relating it to themselves.

I caught myself looking at apartments and condos and getting nervous.  So, I put my nervous energy into thinking about the job.  It's also helping me develop questions I have about the position and a litmus for deciding if it's a good fit.  Mostly, the exercise got me excited and positive.  I really enjoy talking and thinking about how pedagogy of history needs to adapt to the digital environment.

learning to savor

Savor

Today I met two people from southern Florida who were big fans of the area.  That was one of my biggest concerns about moving is the actual place.  I'm not really a huge fan of tropical weather, and I don't know anyone.

These ladies seemed a little jealous of my interview and the possibility of moving down there.  The second girl (the one who gave me highlights) said there was a lot to do, and that it was far easier to meet people down there.  She said you go to the beach to meet friends.  Ride a bike, you'll meet people.  Go out for coffee, you'll meet people.  That sounds doable, right?

She said it was a far more relaxed place then around here.  People dress and act more casually because it's hot.  Really?  She said there were less heels and makeup. Really?  But, she said there was a lot of traffic-- not as bad as DC, but worse than here.  I know how to deal with traffic.

I was also told it's a great time to purchase property.  Not that I'm in a position to purchase property, but that sounds good.  Actually, several people have told me that.  I might be able to buy a condo... on the beach.  That definitely sounds doable... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

She could tell that I'm a little amped up about getting the job.  She told me that they had to be pretty interested in me because they were flying me down.  I hadn't really considered it from that perspective.  I'm probably one of two candidates-- or something along those lines.  I really hope that a nearby person doesn't come in and snatch the position.

School starts in a month, so things have to go quickly.  I'll probably find out by the end of next week-- a week. I am nervous about finding a place to stay, but I feel that God is in this because of the conversations, the "luck", etc.  I just need to do my best, and things will work out as planned.  If it doesn't pan out, it won't be the first time I've had a turn of bad luck, right?  And, I've managed to survive.  Transition reveals all the vulnerability of your situation; clothing always rips at the seams.  Liminal space is the most delicate, volatile and rich.  It's so dangerous.  It reveals all your illusions about control.

Tomorrow, I'm going to research interview questions and answers.  Not that I can control it, but I can prepare.  It's part of savoring the hope I feel.  I'm trying to savor the possibility.

Flo Rida Part 2

"Me" on my little metaphorical sailboat

Today started late.  I woke up at 9:30.  I went to the farmer's market, visited the nursing home bringing my friends flowers, and received a call from the head of middle school at the Florida school.  (BOOM!  I'm flying down there next Tuesday for an interview.)  I then went to my appointment for my brow wax.  I even stopped by my favorite thrift store, and it was having a sale.  I got a navy cotton J.Crew suit that fits well for $12; it doesn't require any alterations (but I'll have to wear flats).  I bought a suit because I only own a tropical weight wool suit.  I don't care what weight it is; if it's wool, it's not going to work in southern Florida in July.  I went by the 24/7 prayer room and... prayed. Then,  I got my hair chopped.  The stylist told me, "You have a fantastic jawline for short hair."  I said, "Thank you."  Because she said I had a fantastic jaw.  Too bad jaws are underrated.  Now all I need to do is find a "jaw guy".

I came home and booked the flight.  I'm putting it on my card, and the school is going to reimburse me. I'm spending one night.

It's good to feel the breeze of hope.  I'm going to hoist my sail and see where it leads.  I'm very thankful to Jesus for this much needed break.  When I told my mom, I think she was happier for me than even I was.  I love the Mom.

Maybe I'm going to start sleeping in on principal.

WAR and Peace: Update #1

I was a bit circumspect about the greatness of the novel when I started.  A lot of the plot seems petty.  Teenagers being love, political power struggles, jilted lovers, blah, blah, blah.  But, then, two things.

1. War scenes.  Powerful stuff.  Maybe it's just me, but I love military history.  Thucydides' Peloponnesian Wars has to be one of my favorite books ever.  It's brilliant and insightful.  Any history, rendered well, has the power to dissect and display the devices and desires of the heart.  I think military history is brilliant at depicting pride and greed writ large.  So many tactical mistakes are made because of these two sins.  Also, military history is brilliant at illustrating how powerless we are to author our own stories.  It's uncanny how often inclement weather and terrain play into the success of a battle-- things the Generals have no control over-- not that officers won't take credit for it.  Also, the value of loyalty and faith plays a large role in military history.

2.  Tolstoy's asides are magic.  My initial complaint about the book is its pettiness, but most of life is petty. Precise yet brilliant. Universal.  He nails people so aptly.  You know his characters.  His remarks make Oscar Wilde seem kind of catty.  Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not a character in his book; I'd be embarrassed on how he'd sum me up.  Although I don't think his comment would make me angry, I think I'd feel more naked and sad.

Practical Advice

You have no idea how badly I'd like to be a unicorn right now... really, all the time.

weird that it isn't wierd

"I" before "e" except after "c".

"Weird": where form and function meet.

Can you tell that I just noticed that about the word?  I probably was all over the factoid when I was in third grade, then, gratefully, I moved on to other things.  But, all things, including style and ideas, are cyclical.

Yesterday was one weird day.

The weather was a moist, monochrome grey that crescendoed into this glorious, horrific thunderstorm that lasted an hour.  The thunder could have inspired Beethoven when deaf.  I just lay on the sofa and pulled down the blinds and enjoyed.

Then I drove to the big city, and it hadn't even rained.  That's the kind of detail that tests your sanity.  I was talking about the weather, because I'm polite and weird like that. Nobody knew about the thunderstorm; I might as well been talking about "the voices".

Before the thunderstorm, I visited some ladies at a nursing home.  It was not what I was expecting.  I was hoping that I'd be a ray of sunshine for these little ladies.  I didn't rely on my looks and charm alone: I brought them candy.  It ended up that I crashed two parties; they already had visitors.  I stayed over an hour with the first lady and her visitor.  They'd been missionaries in Haiti together.  They were fascinating women... and beautiful in the true, real sense.

My interaction with these women created or uncovered some form of discomfort.  It wasn't that I felt judged; they were gentle, kind, and keen women.  Maybe, it was because they were so solid, completely lacking in pretense and guile.  It made me think of the grass in Lewis' The Great Divorce.  This grass cut the visitors' feet who were ghost-like.  It's the weight of holiness.  Being in their presence reminded me of being around my favorite prof in Vancouver.  There's a qualitative difference in spending time with these people.  They're tuned into eternity.  I felt completely seen and heard in their presence.  The "completely" part is the terrifying part.  I'm sure they could sense my anxiety and shame, which is my lack of trust in Jesus.

After the thunderstorm, I had more conversations about identity.  I called one of my friends and midway through the conversation, she said, "I've been crying."  Come to find out, she'd gotten a spray-on tan that was much darker than she'd expected, which caused this identity crisis.  She felt this was a manifestation of trying to be somebody other than God created her to be.  And, I had another conversation about addiction in Christians.

It was a weird, heavy, wonderful day that I'll be carrying around for a while.  I feel like yesterday, Friday the 13th, was a lesson that I'm not quite ready for.  But, maybe I'll understand it somewhere down the road.  It was the kind of day that could turn you into a Calvinist.  It was the kind of day that reminds me of the meaning and shape of life. It was the kind of day that God was really there.

Weird: maybe my life is where form and function meet in my own journey.  Maybe similar to the English language, the exceptions prove the rule.  Expectations, like phonics, have a 70% success rate; the other 30% is where the magic, mystery and miracles exist.

The Never Ending Story

I hadn't seen this movie in forever!  A friend and I went to see it last night.  I highly recommend it.

Is it cheesy?
Yes, in a really cool way.

Is it hilarious?
Yes, not only where it was supposed to be.

Does it inspire you?
Yes, I came away from it fired up and in a better mood.

Does it give you insight into your childhood psyche?
Yes, it was really bizarre to see the parts I remembered.

This is what I remember from the movie

I forgot that it functioned as allegory, or maybe I didn't understand the concept of allegory in 1984.  The swamps of sadness, "the nothing", and the mirror of your true self were fascinating concepts.  And, I really love the role reading plays in the story, and the role the reader plays in the story. I really enjoyed them as an adult.  I also realized that I need a luck dragon.







When I came home and googled it, I found out the book on which it is based was written by Michael Ende who also wrote Momo, which is one of my favorite novels of all time.  I discovered it when I was in Japan.  So, I'm thinking I need to read the book.  Momo is definitely worth reading too; it feels like a philosopher telling a story.  It raises fascinating ideas, but it's no beach read.  Momo plays with concepts of time.

It was a nice way to spend an evening, especially since we ended on the rooftop of an Irish pub, sipping beer, chatting away about the story and life.

when is "too late"?

In the past three days, I've gotten two responses to emails in mid-June.  I'd forgotten that I'd sent the emails.  I had to read the email I sent one friend to figure out why he was emailing me.  That said, all was not in vain. I enjoyed reading my email; it was quite witty.  I have no idea what took him so long to respond... maybe he was intimidated.  I just responded my question had been rendered moot by time.

This highlights my sense of time-- it's off kilter.  Partly due to this, I am feeling a deep ambivalence towards making plans... and life in general.  I realize at this juncture that I have waaaaaaaaaay too much time on my hands to analyze and worry, and most people don't have the luxury.  I've always been prone to over analysis and now can fully indulge it.

Time is a luxury.  The problem is that I'm to anxious, stressed and worried to use it well.  And it affects my sleep patterns: it's a vicious pattern. I'm sure everybody had experienced it. There are days I can't read because I can't concentrate.  My sense of reality has morphed into fun-house mirrors.  Major problems get dwarfed by little problems, and it's hard to find a way out of the mental maze.  Prayer and people seem to normalize the patterns and eliminate some of the anxiety.

I picked up Streams in the Desert at the ReStore yesterday.  Yesterday's devotional was on waiting patiently.  I read it in the store, and it made me mad.  So many people have implied that I'm not trying hard enough or have done something wrong to be unemployed, that I should have felt relief.  What does waiting look like?  What's my responsibility in it?  All the tension between faith and action-- I must be looking at something incorrectly.  All this said, I bought the book for $2.

no jobbie in abu dhabi

Just found out the school's filled the position.  The shock is that I'm more bummed than I thought I would be.  Bummer.

War and Peace

Same old, same old to report... except I'm reading Tolstoy's War and Peace.  It's my uncle's favorite Russian novel.  Whenever I finish a Russian novel, he takes me out to dinner to discuss it.  We always have a good time.

I'm on page 136 of 1358.  10%

I read some reviews of the novel yesterday.  This one reviewer said it's the only book you need to read because it covers everything.  The same review talked about how Tolstoy was part of the aristocracy so he wasn't cramped for time and money.  He also had a very modern view of history.  We'll see how I feel as I get deeper into it.

onwards and upwards, onwards and upwards

Can I tell you how ridiculously tired I am of being underemployed?  and of the sense of helplessness it's stirred in me.  There's a sense of despair that accompanies repeatedly putting yourself out there, and receiving either rejection or nothing in return.

I finally found a job that I really, really want.  One that makes me beyond excited.  It's a global mobile high school.  Each semester is spent in a different city.  I'd be teaching the history of the city we'd be living in.  How awesome would that be?!?  Can you imagine?

So, they don't have an open position now... I've already heard.  But, I'm going to send them my cover letter and resume to hold.

The in between phase looks like it may be overseas teaching.  I'm interested in two schools.  One in the Middle East (high GDPs, I'm looking at you) and former USSR (flexibility and one-year contract, I'm looking at you).  Apparently, I'm pretty attractive because I have teaching experience, a Master's, and am single.

It's nice to be found desirable.  Now, I have to figure out what my non-negotiables are.  And, I'm calling around to find the easiest certification route.  I'm wondering if there's some flexible red-tape somewhere, esp. on election year.

I wish I had a longer discernment period, but at least I'm looking forward to having some decisions to make.

I have some financial goals that need to be met, and this seems like the best avenue of approach.  If it comes down to taking some classes to get my certification, I could do that overseas while making some money.  As much as my Japan teaching experience was a failure, I did learn a lot.  I'm only looking at large cities and schools with English or British curriculums.  

Here's the rub.  True love and family-- am I putting it on hold? Maybe, but I don't think so.  My love life is terrible right now because of my employment situation.  The guy I'm interested in does not reciprocate the interest (and I can't really blame him... I'm a little depressing right now.... although I'll feel sorry for him when I get back on track for not recognizing the diamond in the rough).  My friend M relieved me of some of my fear by saying, it only takes one guy in a city of millions.

I'm studying Proverbs right now, and it's been good.   My take-away has been quite different from what I expected, and that's a good sign. 

Onwards and upwards, friends!  Hoist your sail while the wind blows!

"redneck" is relative

Yeehaw, it's Independence Day!  Let's shoot some fireworks, grill some meat, eat some watermelon, and drink some beer!

The last time I watched fireworks was in Edgartown on Martha's Vineyard two years ago.  It involved a picnic, a parade, a view of the ocean, a 5 mile race in the morning, and fireworks.  It was lovely.

It was nothing like tonight!  I was in the South.  We went to a friend's family gathering.  The food was plenteous: hotdogs, hamburgers, cheeseburgers, chili, potato salad, corn on the cob, creamed corn, four kinds of pickles, guacamole, watermelon, cantaloupe, seven kinds of chips, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some stuff.  For dessert, there were six kinds of cookies, apple pie, and ice cream cake.  I'm not in bed because my tummy aches.  But, it was worth it.

There was a pool and chatting for entertainment.

Then, there were fireworks.  Probably about $1500 worth.  All the fireworks stacked and in bags looked like presents at Christmas time. Remember: fireworks are illegal in North Carolina.  It seriously was one of the best shows I've seen.  Most of the fireworks were legitimate-- not backyard variety puny.  I think it was more fun because we got to see them set them off... then run.  I never knew fireworks had names: "Rainbow Warrior", "Touchdown of Alabama", "Russian Roulette".  The names were reminiscent of fortune cookies' fortunes.  And, I learned about "30 shots" versus "50 shots".

Not only was tonight great, but I also got some people interested in going to a dirt race.  I've wanted to go.  My brother has great stories, and I've never even gone.

I have a friend who considers me her redneck friend, and, I guess, I'm more uncouth than she.  I'm guessing she had a veggie burger with some pasta salad tonight. I consider these awesome individuals my redneck friends; and they're certainly less pretentious than I.  There were ladies that were quite large who were far more comfortable in their swim suits and tank tops than I am; I have a lot to learn about contentment. Then, while we were assessing the firework booty, a kid was talking about what rednecks would say.  This is to say, everybody needs some rednecks in her life.  They're so fun and authentic that it ain't too bad to be considered one.

oops... my employment application

Yesterday, I applied to a bakery that I'd applied to last summer. Thinking I didn't get a callback because I was overqualified for the cashier position, I thought I'd fair better for caterer coordinator one. I fit all the criteria for the job.

So, I logged into the application system with my login and password, which I remembered from last August (it's a national chain, so everything's computerized).  I read through the application and updated the parts that I needed to be.

Then, I came to this question: How many times a month is it okay to come into work late?  The drop menu had options for 0, 1, 2, 3, 4+.  Guess what I chose the last go round?

4+.

Oops... Maybe, it wasn't my vast overqualification that eliminated me from last summer's job but my inability to read and/or use drop menus.

oops... my phone

I accidentally left my cell phone in my car on the passenger's seat this morning.

Today's high was 98.

I got in my car for my next errand about 6 hours later and saw my phone.  Relief.  Then I picked it up.  It was HOT, and it was dead.

Now, over six hours later, my phone will still not turn on.

Oops. It was probably at least 115 in my car.

Maybe it will work tomorrow?

Brave, Esposito, and The Meaning of Marriage

This week's reviews.  Two movies and a book.  Get psyched.

Can I tell you how psyched I was to see Brave?  Who doesn't love a kick-ass princess?  I heard several friends talk about how great it was! Then, I saw it. Disappointment galore.

Merida is no kick-ass princess; she's a selfish, spoiled brat.  She's no Katniss; They only share archery.  Merida harms her family instead of helps them.  They're both feisty but go about it in very different ways.  I think the two characters give two completely different view of the role of freedom: Katniss= freedom as being at liberty to perform one's duty, and Merida= freedom as being at liberty to follow one's whims.  Here's a link to my two reviews regarding Katniss and The Hunger Games.

I thought Brave made light of the role of education and peace-making, and glossed over the necessity of decorum and culture for the most part.  It used hyperbole as if it were theI think it attempted to meld the traditional princess story with a coming of age story, but failed each genre miserably.  And, I think the whole concept of fate gets muddled with the double story.  I can't recommend it.  And, I have to say it further bothered me that such a befuddled, pointless story was set in Scotland.

Fans of the movie would argue that the transference of the "Legend as lesson" from mother to daughter is the point-- that one can learn from other's mistakes if one is wise.  But, I'm not sold on that.  I find it far more problematic that the protagonist would have killed her mother.  She asked that the witch change her mother in lieu of wishing to be changed.  (I'm guessing that I feel such animosity towards Merida, the cartoon character, because I'm dealing with the selfish, spoiled brat aspects of myself and wishing that my situation be changed instead of myself.  I identify with her much to my chagrin-- and it's quite enlightening for my evaluation of my situation when added to a conversation I had on Friday about differentiating between "personal preference" and philosophy/world view/character.)

PS.  I know I'm the dissenting opinion on Brave. Please feel free to disagree with me.

On the other hand, Esposito was awesome.  (Not only should we support local food, but we should support local arts.) It exceeded expectations. It's a love story set in a self-storage place in North Carolina.  Orange shirts and golf carts are involved!  It was obviously the first feature film for most of the ensemble (we're talking actors, writer, director), and that may have added to its charm.  But, it had a good idea and wrestled with questions of honesty, friendship, and character.  Esposito is along the lines of Junebug in terms of Southern flavor, but a little less polished.

It was really funny!  The writer and protagonist is a key player in an improv group.  There's definitely some improv going on in the movie.  The friend I went with wasn't overly thrilled with that aspect of the film, but I liked it.  I found it highly entertaining throughout.  The bit characters were quite fun; they made me think of this quote Designer Women quotation: "In the South we don't institutionalize the crazy, we celebrate them."  I think this idea would be an amazing sitcom.  It'd being distributed in October.  You should check it out.

Now for the book: The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller.  I read it because my mother bought it for my cousin who's getting married later this month.  My mom asked me to read it in order to guarantee that it be read.  You see, books as gifts are a running joke between my mom and this cousin.  My mom is a former English teacher and my cousin hated/s reading.  You can see where this is headed.  Anyway, my mom would always give M a book with an IOU tucked in the book near the end.  After M read it, Mom would quiz her, and if she knew the answers would give her the money.  I think this time, she's just going to put a check into the book.  M will most likely rifle through the pages.

Anyway, I'm glad I read it.  Keller is a fantastic writer.  Here's my gist of the book.  Marriage isn't about personal happiness or fulfillment.  It's about commitment and covenant.  One's spouse is his or her partner in sanctification-- or as I said in my head, "sanctification buddy".  Marriage, by its essence, changes the individuals.  Marriage should be done in community.  Marriage is good... and hard.  Yet, marriage is no one's salvation.

Singleness is also good; I think he means it since he's a pastor of about 3,000 singles.  Singles need to make sure that they neither glorify or fear marriage.  And, one should consider compatibility of character and friendship as the number one factors in potential partners.  A single should be looking at the person's potential not where they are now (talking about character).  He warned women not to get hung up about money and men about looks.

So, it's slightly more complex than that, and that is why you should read it!