O Radix (Root of Jesse)

All of us sprung from one deep-hidden seed,
Rose from a root invisible to all.
We knew the virtues once of every weed,
But, severed from the roots of ritual,
We surf the surface of a wide-screen world
And find no virtue in the virtual.
We shrivel on the edges of a wood
Whose heart we once inhabited in love,
Now we have need of you, forgotten Root
The stock and stem of every living thing
Whom once we worshiped in the sacred grove,
For now is winter, now is withering
Unless we let you root us deep within,
Under the ground of being, graft us in.

-Malcolm Guite

Activity

I've been a busy bee.

Morale has been low. Yesterday was extremely rough, so I decided I had to take some form of action. I joined a gym yesterday; I found one with a sliding scale that I could afford right now. The people were kind and helpful. And I met with a Personal Trainer today to go over a weight lifting program. My trainer was impressed that I gravitated towards the free weights... and I had good form. And, I filled out the sheet of exercises so she could talk and demonstrate. She said she had a really good time. I was reminded of a lot and started cobbling out a possible routine. Then I swam for 35 minutes, which I'm really feeling now. I earned the steam room but didn't have time for the sauna. I totally sketched out this woman in the steam room by coughing. I wanted to tell her I wasn't contagious, but I figured that would only make things worse. She got up and left. So, I think working out will help out my crazy mood swings. The running I did last week reminded me how much better life is when your active. Walking the dog isn't enough even if it's over 2 miles a pop. And, I think I found a trail race I want to run on January 21st: I need to decide 4, 9, or 13 miles.

I went by the church office and got things set up for the class I'm teaching on Saturday. I'm glad I went early because I need an adaptor for my Mac. But, I'm really excited about the speakers. There's a sub wolfer. The sound sounds great! I'm getting excited. It's going to be a small class, but I'm kind of excited about that. We'll fit around a table.

I went to the Army and Air Force recruiters to chat possibilities. I'm too old for OCS in the Army. As of April, you have to be no older than 29. And, the regulations on being a Chaplain are insane-- no wonder they have a hard time recruiting. On one level it's a good thing, we need excellent chaplains. On the other, seriously? Someone's going to put that much effort into being shot at when she has to be without a weapon?

And, I've researched, been to an office and made several phone calls regarding my appeal. I think I'll write it tomorrow. I need to send it by Friday.

Action is very therapeutic. I feel less a victim when there's something to do. It makes waiting feel more fruitful.

Oh come, oh come Adonai

The Adonai, the Tetragramaton
Grew by a wayside in the light of day.
O you who dared to be a tribal God,
To own a language, people and a place,
Who chose to be exploited and betrayed,
If so you might be met with face to face,
Come to us here, who would not find you there,
Who chose to know the skin and not the pith,
Who heard no more than thunder in the air,
Who marked the mere events and not the myth.
Touch the bare branches of our unbelief
And blaze again like fire in every leaf.
-Malcolm Guite

Our God-with-us

O come, O come, and be our God-with-us
O long-sought With-ness for a world without,
O secret seed, O hidden spring of light.
Come to us, Wisdom, come unspoken Name
Come Root, and Key, and King, and holy Flame,
O quickened little wick so tightly curled,
Be folded with us into time and place,
Unfold for us the mystery of grace
And make a womb of all this wounded world.
O heart of heaven beating in the earth,
O tiny hope within our hopelessness
Come to be born, to bear us to our birth,
To touch a dying world with new-made hands
And make these rags of time our swaddling bands.

-Malcolm Guite

Happy New Year! Happy Advent!

O Sapientia

I cannot think unless I have been thought,
Nor can I speak unless I have been spoken.
I cannot teach except as I am taught,
Or break the bread except as I am broken.
O Mind behind the mind through which I seek,
O Light within the light by which I see,
O Word beneath the words with which I speak,
O founding, unfound Wisdom, finding me,
O sounding Song whose depth is sounding me,
O Memory of time, reminding me,
My Ground of Being, always grounding me,
My Maker’s Bounding Line, defining me,
Come, hidden Wisdom, come with all you bring,
Come to me now, disguised as everything.

by Malcolm GuiteOh Come, Oh Come. Some Advent reflections

recent music fixations

Civil Wars' "Poison and Wine"

Bedouin Soundclash "Brutal Hearts"

So you need smokey eye makeup to listen to these songs because they're so groovy. But, I listen to them in sweat shirts. You have my permission to do the same. Enjoy

thanksgiving

"your burdens are light, but your blessings are heavy... almost too weighty to bear." Ordinary Time

One of my favorite traditions at the high school I went was the Thanksgiving assembly. It usually lasted about an hour and a half, which would usually be a bad thing. But, all the girls could get up to the announcement microphone and list the things for which they were grateful. The litany ranged from the prosaic to the profound: gummy bears and four leaf clovers to recoveries from cancer and peace treaties.

This time of year when the days grow short and the night long, the weather cold and gray... one can palpably feel the dichotomy of mirth and misery that is humanity's lot. On the one hand, the weather is dreary, but on the other, how much more enjoyable is a mug of coffee or a cup of soup. And, it feels so delightful to walk into a toasty room after being out in the cold.

One has a decision to focus on the dreary weather or the bright warmth of the fireplace. It's an excellent and much-needed reminder of choice in interpretation of the data of one's life. I'm enjoying St. Paul's writings a lot more because he wrote a lot of them from prison, and I'm finding consolation in this. He wrote: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about such things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:4-9).

This was written by a guy who was unjustly imprisoned and beaten. Paul had a lot of reasons to be bitter, but he wasn't. He wasn't even self-absorbed in all his suffering. He was still focused on his churches. As I look at the list of whatever is true..., it's a long list. I now realize that sometimes you have to look long and hard to discover the redeemable aspect of the situation. Paul's instructions imply a really tough life: the "always", the "everything", "whatever" and "anything" don't leave room for a comfy, safe life. He says our hearts and minds need to be guarded by something supernatural-- that's really intense. And, it also seems we learn the Christian life by imitating and learning from those on the path before us... living and dead.

I heard a sermon on the radio last night by a Baptist minister who was taking the rejoice always verse above and Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called according to his purpose." He said that Christians kind of use them as proof of how good life is-- along the lines of prosperity gospel. But, he said if you step back and think about what Paul is saying is that God is sovereign and has the power to work good in any circumstance no matter how horrible and dire it is, which is incredibly different than saying God promises believers a good, easy life. Man, look what he did to his own son. But, I also was aware of the kaleidoscope of timing involved in me hearing this sermon so apropos to my situation.

So, although I can't honestly say I'm grateful for being unemployed in a crappy economy, I am grateful for persistent friends who put up with me, for figuring out flaws and illusions in my world view, and the compassion and warmth of a broken heart. I'm learning how little stuff I need. I wouldn't have believed you. My identity is under fire, and that's not all bad, in fact, it's much needed. I have a wonderful family and set of friends who I do not deserve. I can run and walk. I can cook while drinking wine. I have a beautiful dog to pet. Some gorgeous memories to luxuriate in. Friends who have confidence in me despite evidence to the contrary. An excellent spicy pumpkin soup recipe. And, a heart and soul that's being transformed. (Hopefully) I'm becoming more like Charis, Bill, Mandy, Grace, Alvin, Jerry, Mom, etc. and ultimately Jesus.

family day

L cheering
I spent a lot of time with family today and yesterday. It was mostly good time. I got to hang out with my favorite 6 month old and 2.5 year old. The older one now needs a snack for both hands: 2 strawberries, 2 tortilla chips. She bites one and then the other, wearing them down evenly. Apparently food gets lonely on death row and needs some company. I got to get the little one to sleep. Fun with small children. When they were down I got to hang out with their parents. My cousin is trying to convince me to go into the military. He thinks I'd enjoy intelligence or logistics in the Air Force. It'd be interesting, relatively good pay and give me career options when I got out. I don't know. But, I need to think about it. It's not as if I have a cornucopia of options set before me. We also chatted dogs.

I talked Hunger Games with my cousins in 11th, 9th and 6th grades. Peeta or Gale? Which of the trilogy was the best? The burnt bread-- etc.

I have to say the best part about thanksgiving was the drive with my brother and running the 5 miler turkey trot with my sister. We had a lot of fun. I'm feeling sickish, which my brother says is due to me being a hyperchondriac.

I have to say I'm appalled by Black Friday following Thanksgiving-- and the shopping being the more exciting proposition. It makes Thanksgiving seem kind of weak. I'm so thankful for what I have and the important things in life that I'm going to go and buy a lot more crap and go in debt. I did buy some cold medicine and gas today, but nothing out of the ordinary.

perseverance: memorizing poetry

I've been creating a new list of heroes through this desert stroll. No famous, pretty, rich or snotty people, but there are a few successful ones. My friend J is on the list. He's waited for 2.5 years to find a pastor job; he wasn't sitting in a basement twiddling his thumbs. He did all this really cool stuff: wrote a book, started an chaplaincy for elderly in a nursing home, began a fitness regime all while being rejected and dealing with a bureaucratic denomination. When I told him he was my hero in all of this, he laughed it off. But, he always offers extremely kind and useful tips (advice) always in the context of a personal anecdote. For instance, he told me he'd adopted Psalm 51:10-12 as his morning prayer. And, I have too. I've added it to my repertoire of Psalm 70:1.

My friend J who has been through an amazingly brutal marriage and divorce being judged by most of her friends because she refused to disclose why they were getting the divorce to prevent her ex-husband being shamed. She's very beautiful but that's not the beauty she cares about. One time J's daughter told her how pretty her preschool teacher was. And J asked, "Why is she so pretty?" Her daughter said, "Because she loves me. She's pretty on the inside... and her shoes."

This is a good time to be meditating on this new hero list because my fifteen high school reunion is fast approaching, and I was deciding whether or not to go being as I am unemployed, single and childless (at least I'm not fat). A veritable failure in the eyes of my 17 year-old self. But I'm realizing I'm developing a new set of standards of evaluating success. Can I go hang out with people that make lots more money, lead glamorous lives, have good-looking, successful husbands and adorable kids and be myself... and have a good time? I will impress myself. God is at work in me after all.

My sister was reporting how successful her prayer life has been recently. So, of course, I told her that she needed to put it to use on my job search. She paused and then told me that she was praying for me to find peace. She said my restlessness was the root of the problem; unemployment a symptom. Yes, she's the shallow one with the MBA. But, it reminded me of a discussion I had with Mandy about paths of sanctification. We're all getting transformed via different routes. Marriage and singleness are different burdens. Being born in the US or Burundi is a different burden. But we're not alone. That's why I like about J's Ps 51 prayer. Implicit is our helplessness and God's grace and love:

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Restore a steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not from your presence
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Renew the joy of your salvation within me.
Uphold me with a willing spirit.

puff of hope

My visit to Austin was amazing! My friend and her family are great. I didn't want to come back to Charlotte... at all. It's such a nifty city! And, it helps when you're hanging out with cool people. My friend was recovering from the flu, which was sad and made things low key. But, that's cool. It meant we got to sit around and chat a lot. And, we watched North by Northwest, which was good. I'd never seen it; I've only watched Rear Window. I need to get on my Hitchcock.

Max's Wine Dive

We celebrated Jenny's birthday at Max's Wine Dive in downtown Austin. I got to meet Hannah and Laura to of Jenny's hipster friends. One is getting her singer/songwriter career started while working as a software engineer. Another is a student and her boyfriend's in Burundi= fun people to chat with. I had fried chicken, collards, mashed potatoes and texas toast. No prosecco though. It was so yummy. And, it was excellent people watching. First dates are so fun to observe.

Gourdough's Gourmet Donuts

Food Trailers are kind of a big deal in Austin. They seem highly regulated but still manage an avant garde feel. We went to Gourdough's Gourmet Donuts for dessert. It was a thirty-minute wait, which was fine because there were three trailers, lots of picnic tables, good tunes, and lots of people to watch. And, lots of stories.

Baby Rattler

Before I left to go to Austin, my roommate and I discussed how it was seeming clear that God's shutting the door on Charlotte.

unchartered territory

Do you remember the SNL skit with Will Ferrell: "I cannot control the volume of MY VOICE!"? I feel like that. I cannot control the volume or direction of my emotions! I'm having a hard time concentrating. Writing and reading are too much for most of the day. So, I walk the dog. Or pray. Or clean. Or check my email or Craig's List or Facebook.

I got my eyebrows done today for the interview tomorrow. I didn't want to look scary. I love my "brow artist"; she's really cool. But, we were talking about my interview and discussed discernment and she gave me this prayer to pray every morning: "I trust God to guide me to the place where I can use my abilities effectively and constructively. The way to my right place of my employment is now open." The last part sounds a little Oprah and a little less Bible. But, as my uncle wrote, "Sometimes urgency is the catalyst for persistence." This is definitely true in my prayer life. However, what I like about my "brow artist's" prayer is the reminder that God has given me abilities and the world has need of them. Maybe I should read the story of baby Moses and his nannies to get psyched up for the interview. But, I feel like I've lost my moorings. Who am I? What do I want? What purpose do I serve? These questions are little demons who sick on me when I try to go to sleep right now.

"You got a lot of people in your corner kiddo."

Jerry wrote me, "You got a lot of people in your corner kiddo." I feel as if I've been set in a corner for being bad like I was when little. I got more than one chance to meditate on my past actions. I'm not sure my time in the corner reformed me any, but my mom got some one-liners out of my siblings and me after we served our time.

I mixed metaphors. Back to Jerry's Rocky corner metaphor. I have some amazing, faithful friends in my corner. Today I was fixating on some friends that have bailed on me, but that's not important. It's the people who are faithful and supportive when the problem is no longer new and exciting that are phenomenal. Fair weather people are to be expected. It's people who still love you when unemployed and mired in self doubt lacking any sense of direction... and still see the you beyond your circumstances. They're the friends who recognize that you're not happy when circumstances are on track too. I tend to take these friends for granted until times like these and the other people disappear. I would really like to know someone who could help me land my dream job, but I'm stuck with these people who love me through thick and thin instead. I want an easy solution and get something much more big and true instead.

Which brought me around to how unexpected Jesus was as the Messiah. The Jews wanted somebody who'd show the Romans who was boss and take them to task militarily and politically. They got Jesus instead. He didn't beat the Romans, but he beat death. And, it wasn't nearly as spectacular or instantaneous as they would have liked. Jesus did fix some people's problems up, but for the most part he didn't.

So in a nutshell, I'm comparing finding true friends in the midst of this unemployment fiasco to the Jewish race's overall disappointment with Jesus as Messiah, a God who bothered to become man and overcome death for all his people yet managed to overlook ridding them of their urgent problem of Roman tyranny. Yes, I do take myself seriously. But, I come to this over and over again. God and I have very different views of the landscape and the horizon-- we're looking at very different things when we're looking at my life. I'm looking at circumstances and he's looking at the status of my heart and soul. Very different targets (although they might be pretty parallel right now... thoroughly decimated).

My friend Mandy had an amazing post yesterday on this; she called it Gratitude. But it's a poem about Jesus' love that's so different than we want and exactly what we need. It's beautiful. After you read it, you'll regret bothering to read my drivel.

speed job-hunting

One of my big(ger) beefs with looking for a job is how spread out the process is. For instance, the school in the summer took almost two months between turning in my application and getting my rejection letter. You need to have four interviews over a month in order to figure out if you want to hire someone?

Anyway, not today. Today I experienced the job version of speed dating.

I found a job on Craig's List.
9:50 I send email to address.
10:59 Receive email about phone interview.
11:12 I give availability
11:16 set up interview for 2.
2:04-2:19 phone interview. it was a questionnaire.
4:25 I send an email with two clarifications after having walked the dog and rethinking interview.
4:35 Receive polite refusal because I'm overqualified
5:08 I send missive that refutes her position and ask her to reconsider (because after all I have nothing to lose:
"I understand your position, but would like to share my perspective. Your position would be ideal for me and my Master's because I want to adjunct teach at ____. I've talked with the head of the History department I would put me in "adult learner" programs, which translate into a night or weekend class, which is a very part-time job. And, I also love to teach at my church; I'm preparing an Advent seminar right now. So, I'm getting the intellectual stimulation I need; I'm just not getting paid for it. I really do have fun working with children, and they like me too:) Your position would provide a worthwhile, honest, and enjoyable work, and hours, salary and benefits to teach what I love.

"Furthermore, your daughters would benefit from my higher education. All research concludes that whether or not a child goes to college is best determined by her third grade reading scores. And, the single factor that can be quantified about effective teachers is their vocabulary, which I have in spades. So, your investing in me now would have a far better ROI than even than SAT prep tutoring and prep schools, etc. I understand your concerns that are somewhat legitimate, but my benefits far outweigh the dark horse factor (plus, you can't overestimate the power of a bad economy on the fate of a liberal arts major).

"I'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider; I know you'd be pleased."

5:21: receive:
"Okay. You got me. You have valid points. How about a face to face interview on Thursday at our country club?"

So this would have taken far longer in most circles. It's not my dream job, but I'm coming to realize that dream jobs don't really exist. They're kind of like utopias, which literally means "no place" in Greek. And, I failed to mention the three mass emails I sent out today too, which was OVERkill even for me. But, I had no idea how quickly the process would go.

I don't know what God's doing in this and if I'll get the job, but I do know Sasha dog is snoring at my feet... because we went on two walks today.

Gerard Manley Hopkins on Advent/Waiting

“Patience, Hard Thing!”
Patience, hard thing! the hard thing but to pray,
But bid for, Patience is! Patience who asks
Wants war, wants wounds; weary his times, his tasks;
To do without, take tosses, and obey.
Rare patience roots in these, and, these away,
Nowhere. Natural heart’s ivy, Patience masks
Our ruins of wrecked past purpose. There she basks
Purple eyes and seas of liquid leaves all day.
We hear our hearts grate on themselves: it kills
To bruise them dearer. Yet the rebellious wills
Of us we do bid God bend to him even so.
And where is he who more and more distils
Delicious kindness?—He is patient. Patience fills
His crisp combs, and that comes those ways we know.

George Herbert on Advent/Christmas

The shepherds sing; and shall I silent be?
My God, no hymn for Thee?
My soul's a shepherd too; a flock it feeds
Of thoughts, and words, and deeds.
The pasture is Thy word: the streams, Thy grace
Enriching all the place.
Shepherd and flock shall sing, and all my powers
Outsing the daylight hours.
Then will we chide the sun for letting night
Take up his place and right:
We sing one common Lord; wherefore he should
Himself the candle hold.
I will go searching, till I find a sun
Shall stay, till we have done;
A willing shiner, that shall shine as gladly,
As frost-nipped suns look sadly.
Then will we sing, and shine all our own day,
And one another pay:
His beams shall cheer my breast, and both so twine,
Till ev'n His beams sing, and my music shine.

unofficial coach

Somebody really awesome called me her coach today! Woot. It went like this:
"Hi. Just wanted you (my coach) to know that I jogged again today. Think I'm a little over a mile right now (not quite 1.5 miles, but close). Felt so good to be out in the fresh air and sunshine today...."

And, I got up at 6:30 on a Saturday to watch my uncle run his first 5k. It was pretty awesome even if he came in dead last. There were only 36 runners and some of them fell out... you'd think it was a pretty tough course. Apparently my presence at a top of a hill provided motivation to keep running (so it was a less slow dead last). Yep.

So during my own running desert (two puny runs a week at bes), I'm serving as a coach for others. There's a profound metaphor sewn in this somewhere.

Ecclesiastes #9

My day was a downer, and I was dreading bible study. Women and talking. But, it was really helpful. We laughed a lot, which was much needed.

I've started Tolstoy's War and Peace (p. 60 of 1150-- getting it done). Maybe I'll remember this year as the Tolstoy year instead of the year of my employment discontent.

Also, my advent class is set. You're welcome to come!!
An Introduction to Advent. On Saturday, December 3, 2011, Pinkling will be conducting an interactive seminar on the season of Advent from 9:00-11:30 at the church office. We’ll be looking at the advents of Christ through the lens of tradition, the characters of the nativity, the Psalms of Ascent, and the O Antiphons. It’ll be an exploration of Advent through means of Scripture, poetry, music and art. Come, learn more, and celebrate this wonderful season in the church calendar! Participants receive a free Advent devotional book.

Don't you like how we're bribing them? Nice. I'm that compelling of a teacher.

TS Eliot on Advent

*

Final stanza of "The Journey of the Magi"


All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

*http://www.cityside.org.nz/node/642

Auden on Advent

The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.
Was it to meet such grinning evidence
We left our richly odored ignorance?
Was the triumphant answer to be this?
The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.

We who die must demand a miracle.
How could the Eternal do a temporal act,
The Infinite become a finite fact?
Nothing can save us that is possible:
We who die must demand a miracle.


The Summons
Star of the Nativity
....
Beware. All those who follow me are led
Onto that Glassy Mountain where are no
Footholds for logic, to that Bridge of Dread
Where knowledge but increases vertigo:
Those who pursue me take a twisting lane
To find themselves immediately alone
With savage water or unfeeling stone;
In labyrinths where they must entertain
Confusion, cripples, tigers, thunder, pain.

V

Chorale

Our Father, whose creative Will
Asked Being for us all,
Confirm it that Thy Primal Love
May weave in us the freedom of
The actually deficient on
The justly actual.

Though written by Thy children with
A smudged and crooked line,
Thy Word is ever legible,
Thy Meaning unequivocal,
And for Thy Goodness even sin
Is valid as a sign.

Inflict Thy promises with each
Occasion of distress,
That from our incoherence we
May learn to put our trust in Thee,
And brutal fact persuade us to
Adventure, Art, and Peace.

bummer

The interview. Yeah... about that. I need to psyche myself up for things, especially if I'm not that excited about them. I got dressed up, which I thought would do the trick. But, I needed more than my thrift store finds to get me through this interview. Plus, there was a huge gap in the amount of work and responsibility and the pay. I'm basically supposed to start a business from scratch working 20 hours a week making $14 an hour with no benefits. What's in it for me? There was no teaching. I did not have a good attitude. I wasn't rude, but I wasn't Pollyanna. I didn't ooze enthusiasm.

The important part of my day was interior. I think Holy Spirit day hit me this afternoon. I really had some insights into my heart and life that were sobering yet encouraging. It happened while I read the last chapters of Cliff Williams' Singleness of Heart.

Another quote

I was at church for over seven hours today! Yikes. And, I should say at the YMCA because there is no church. I enjoyed it. I read the Scripture (Daniel 4:27-37 and I Thess 4:13-18). The sermon was topical on God's Sovereignty. But, back to me, I got compliments on my reading, but I had really good material. King Nebachednezzar going crazy gives the reader something with which to work. And, I met a cool guy during set up. We went to the same university but he graduated last year; we had some of the same professors. That was nice.

Quotation: "Everything has beauty" Confucius. I profoundly disagree with this statement. It in fact makes me upset because it sounds good, but it has terrible implications. There's beauty in genocide, infanticide, AIDS, slavery? Think a little, people. God can redeem things-- that makes God beautiful not the horrid circumstances.

***Update: I wrote my question as a comment on the pinterest pin and received a livid response. (I did write more tactfully than above.) My friend said my question was absurd. But, in my defense, I think genocide, etc. fall under the umbrella of "everything". I probably shouldn't have said anything because she took it as a personal attack. The beauty in this situation is: I think I'm going to use this as the starting question for my advent class-- we are in some desperate need of some true beauty in this broken world.

excitement with Alpha or Alpha!

Kendra Baird's painting
We had Holy Spirit day today. It was a slow start. I fell asleep during the TWO video lectures in the morning, an inauspicious beginning for sure. But, I went on a gorgeous walk with the lady from Montreal in my group and talked about the numerous parallels our very different lives have. We had way too much food, which depressed me because I knew how much it cost. However, a guy took the leftovers sans vegetable tray to the Men's Shelter. So, that was a good ending.

The awesome part of the day came after lunch: the hour and a half of prayer time. There was 45 minutes of soaking prayer and 45 minutes of intercessory prayer. I was on the receiving end of the soaking prayer, which was much needed. Then, Joy and I went around and prayed for all the women in the room. We asked them what they wanted to pray and then we took turns praying over them. (Someone referred to us as the minimalist team because we were few in words. I don't think it was a complaint rather a comparison.) It was an amazing blessing to pray with these women. I was overwhelmed by how much God loves each of us and struck by his design of our souls and lives. I guess we were a group of normal (boring?) people, but praying makes you aware of a much bigger and deeper story of which we're all a part. Our lives are not our own-- they belong to God and to each other. Talking about gifts of the Spirit brought home how God blesses individuals in order to bless the church. Being surrounded by these fellow course members was encouraging despite the lack of fireworks and feats of wonder. It was a lovely day; I'm glad I came. It provided some context. To quote Rowan Williams, we're all being "unmade in order to be remade" and the "goal of a Christian life is not enlightenment but wholeness."

much needed quotation

When we begin to believe God can provide the unexpected, we won't live our lives with doubts and constraints. -Cliff Young

I'm suffocating from doubt and self-imposed constraints right now. Today, I really busted after yesterday's loveliness with this thought, "I'm excited about an interview to become a secretary-- where did I go wrong?" I've just been feeling angst about all the things I don't have today. But, this is where faith is faith. God is good and sovereign-- reading in I Kings this morning was a good reminder.

crest!

"Autumn Rain" by Cynthia Herron on the Freed Gallery

So, today was a fantastic day for me! 1) A business called me this morning to set up an interview (Monday at 7:15). 2) Then, a manager from a tutoring business interviewed me by phone, and I got the job. 3) And, then after that news, I got an email from a school I applied to over a month ago to fill out a survey for the headmistress. THIS is the job I really want. It's a secretary, but it's good hours at a good school and would be good for also tutoring and teaching adjunct. 4) As if that wasn't enough, I went to the thrift shop and found a gorgeous coral sweater set for $6 and an old charcoal gray wool skirt (old= really good material, excellent construction and classic style) $7. 5) Had a fantastic time celebrating my brother's 24th birthday with him and my mom. It's a low key kind of a birthday, and he was okay with that. Both their pastors came by, and all three of us were drinking. (This is kind of bad in the South, the younger pastor actually said something (haha).)

But, my excellent day was the ying to my sister's yang day. The bottom fell out for her. But, she was a good sport and said that the ying went to me instead of some total stranger. We like to keep the highs and lows in the family.

My sister's heart break and my hopefulness are a microcosm of the world and reminded me of this Advent quotations:

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5

"I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny." Kathleen Norris

I would say it confronts with the gloriousness and wretchedness of our humanness and ultimately our helplessness. And, it reframes it in the context of God's forever loving kindness. His withness. His compassion for us. We who can't help ourselves our made complete by the Creator of the universe.

I'm listening to a steady downpour of rain. It's lovely and relaxing. It's also a metaphor of God's blessing in the OT and in Charlotte, NC.

on marriage

from Amazon


Tim and Kathy Keller have just released a book on marriage titled The Meaning of Marriage, based on a popular sermon series he did. I love reading about marriage, but I haven't read it yet. My favorite book on marriage is by a Regent grad called The Mystery of Marriage. So, maybe this will rank up there. We will see.

However, I did watch the The Meaning of Marriage live discussion tonight. It was thought provoking.

What I like about these books (presuming the discussion is related to the book) is that they're primarily about your relationship with God and present marriage as a catalyst in becoming holy. God will sanctify his people anyway he pleases. I'm not sure evangelicals have really bought into this. Bethany was a moderator, and she talked about how to apply the ideas to her life as a single. She said it was easy: loving the stranger and confronting your selfishness (plenty of opportunity for that as a single), embracing femininity (or masculinity as the case may be) doesn't require marriage, loving and forgiving someone who's hurt you-- single people have friends and family for that too.

So, oddly, reading about marriage makes me more content about being single. It fights all my urges to settle for a nice guy-- there's a lot on the line. And, last month a friend's husband contacted me to buy me a flight to her birthday party in Austin, TX so I can come for the weekend. If I were to get married, I want a husband who not only remembers my birthday but knows my random friends and contacts them on my behalf (he hasn't even met me in person). Tim Keller kept on talking about your spouse as your best friend and counsellor. That you fall in love with the person God is making him into and vice versa. Books like these raise the bar.

Advent: 2nd Coming

Come, Lord Jesus!

Come, Lord Jesus! Do I dare
Cry: Lord Jesus, quickly come!
Flash the lightning in the air,
Crash the thunder on my home!
Should I speak this awful prayer?
Come, Lord Jesus, help me dare.

Come, Lord Jesus! You I call
To come (come soon!) are not the child
Who lay once in the manger stall
Are not the infant meek and mild.
You come in judgment on our all:
Help me to know you, whom I call.

Come, Lord Jesus! Come this night
With your purging and your power,
For the earth is dark with blight
And in sin we run and cower
Before the splendid, raging sight
Of the breaking of the night.

Come, my Lord! Our darkness end!
Break the bonds of time and space.
All the powers of evil rend
By the radiance of your face.
The laughing stars with joy attend:
Come Lord Jesus! By my end!

L'engle

I can't get this to fit on a power point slide. Should I break it up or just pick a couple of stanzas? If a break up, which stanzas would you choose?