perseverance: memorizing poetry

I've been creating a new list of heroes through this desert stroll. No famous, pretty, rich or snotty people, but there are a few successful ones. My friend J is on the list. He's waited for 2.5 years to find a pastor job; he wasn't sitting in a basement twiddling his thumbs. He did all this really cool stuff: wrote a book, started an chaplaincy for elderly in a nursing home, began a fitness regime all while being rejected and dealing with a bureaucratic denomination. When I told him he was my hero in all of this, he laughed it off. But, he always offers extremely kind and useful tips (advice) always in the context of a personal anecdote. For instance, he told me he'd adopted Psalm 51:10-12 as his morning prayer. And, I have too. I've added it to my repertoire of Psalm 70:1.

My friend J who has been through an amazingly brutal marriage and divorce being judged by most of her friends because she refused to disclose why they were getting the divorce to prevent her ex-husband being shamed. She's very beautiful but that's not the beauty she cares about. One time J's daughter told her how pretty her preschool teacher was. And J asked, "Why is she so pretty?" Her daughter said, "Because she loves me. She's pretty on the inside... and her shoes."

This is a good time to be meditating on this new hero list because my fifteen high school reunion is fast approaching, and I was deciding whether or not to go being as I am unemployed, single and childless (at least I'm not fat). A veritable failure in the eyes of my 17 year-old self. But I'm realizing I'm developing a new set of standards of evaluating success. Can I go hang out with people that make lots more money, lead glamorous lives, have good-looking, successful husbands and adorable kids and be myself... and have a good time? I will impress myself. God is at work in me after all.

My sister was reporting how successful her prayer life has been recently. So, of course, I told her that she needed to put it to use on my job search. She paused and then told me that she was praying for me to find peace. She said my restlessness was the root of the problem; unemployment a symptom. Yes, she's the shallow one with the MBA. But, it reminded me of a discussion I had with Mandy about paths of sanctification. We're all getting transformed via different routes. Marriage and singleness are different burdens. Being born in the US or Burundi is a different burden. But we're not alone. That's why I like about J's Ps 51 prayer. Implicit is our helplessness and God's grace and love:

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Restore a steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not from your presence
Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Renew the joy of your salvation within me.
Uphold me with a willing spirit.