cage match: gutsy v. prudent

"Dream no small dreams, for they have no power to move the hearts of man." - Goethe

I'm full of angst about getting my certification. I could secure my job for next year by enrolling in 5 education classes by June 30th. But, I don't want my job for next year. This whole week I was full of dread about going back. But, it's a tough economy and I have no guarantee for a job. And, I know what it's like to be unemployed.

There's always the option of keeping my job, and letting it be just that-- a job. But, I have no respect for people who treat teaching like that; it's not like you're merely filing papers. I believe it's relational-- even soulful. It requires passion for the student and the material. I feel used (to the point of feeling dirty) and completely unappreciated when I enter the classroom. There's an hour of my day that isn't a fight.

How do you know if you're seeking God's will or calling your desires God's will? How do you know you're being good and true versus being lazy and impatient? And by "you", I mean "me". Three years seems a long time to me, but by Biblical standards, it's nothing. I haven't had some sage say to me, "Young Grasshopper, it's time for you to change jobs."

I am having a change of heart in regards to Charlotte as I mentioned in my previous post. Yet, I'm growing more restless with my job. That's problematic. But, as I was running this evening, I was thinking about having to pry my faith out of the context of the American dream. I so want a good life. But, I want it both ways: I want a comfortable middle class life and a fulfilling job. I want to grow in my knowledge of and relationship with God without any cost or discomfort.

Kierkegaard wrote, "Purity of heart is to will one thing." Monasticism has the idea of singleness of heart, too, even though most people claim it has to do with living alone. (Newsflash: monks have never lived alone-- even the hermits in the desert had lose federations that gathered for worship and functioned as support. And, the hermits were known for their hospitality.)

So just writing these paragraphs has helped me to reframe my question. Maybe I'm too focused on what I'm doing... or not doing, when I should be focused how I'm doing it, with what attitude and for whom. I want it both ways in wanting to be significant by God's standards and by the world's standards. I want to impact people's lives and get a spread in O magazine sharing with people how awesome I am. Some believers manage, but they're few and far between. This reminds me of what my writing prof at Regent would tell us about our writing: "You're in charge of the depth. God's in charge of the breadth."

I want a job that I get my undisclosed strengths. I like writing, reading, thinking, planning, communicating. I also like doing and moving around. The Johnson O'Connor told me that I should teach, write or start my own business. And, they said I should teach adults. So, maybe, once again, I've hit on something. I could volunteer and maybe lead a Bible study at my church for practice. I could look into teaching at Community Colleges and GRE programs and literacy programs.

Prudence used to be girl's name; it isn't any longer. I don't think we see it as a worthwhile character trait anymore. We've replaced prudence with greed and self-reliance, which aren't nearly the same thing.

public transit ain't American

Last night I confessed to my sister that I'm actually coming to a truce with Charlotte. It's to the point that I even bought some "art" for my apartment. It is a pretty city... beautiful trees, grass, brick, skyscrapers, cemeteries, funky little restaurants, daffodils. It smells good at night. There are things to do... even if you have to go into public places and ease drop in order to find out. There is art... even though it's locked up most of the time in pretty museums. There are cool people casted as bankers, housewives and other drone-like roles. There's good running in walking in some areas. I saw an owl on my street last week, which was cool after I got unfreaked out from seeing it fly in peripheral vision.

But there's one thing I hate: being dependent on a car. I don't like to drive. I resent having to own a car and spend tons of time in traffic. Of course, I pointed out to her that I lived for three years in Vancouver without a car. I survived with a bike and a bus pass-- that's the good life. I didn't have a car in Japan either. My rational and relentlessly intelligent sister asked, "What American cities that you'd want to live in have good public transit?" I started to hem and haw. New York. She said, "It's probably the best the US has to offer, but you still can't get across Central Park on public transportation. The metro has crappy hours. The El and T are problematic. And, MARTA is a total joke." I pointed Portland has good transport, but my sister doesn't really consider Oregon and Washington as legitimate parts of the US. They're misallocated Canadian provinces to her way of thinking. This is to say she ignored me.

She said, "Germany has excellent public transit. It also has a different tax system, culture and mentality. Public transit goes against our fierce individuality and our resistance to government involvement and control."

She's right. It's not just Charlotte; it's anywhere in the US. I've fought feeling at home here all of my life for just and unjust causes alike. I guess I'm going to file public transit as a lost cause.

rejection

Adventure and risk are exciting and exhiliarating, but rejection is no fun. I had an amazing couple of weeks of adventure: interviews, dates, etcetera. But, then, there's the waiting time. Then, there's the no thank you. I got a rejection letter from a school I interviewed with two weeks ago. Then, to add insult to injury, I got a rejection letter from a school I did NOT apply to. I have to admit the latter had a little less sting, but it was out of right field weird.

My second day of spring break was fairly productive... now I'm waiting on a friend to call. I guess, I need to go on a walk or something.