My faux dog or "my" dog

Sasha
I live with a dog named Sasha. He's 100% mutt and excellent company. He's very pretty and not too smart. As we all know, this is a good thing. Canine intelligence is a terrible thing: the dog and his humans end up extremely frustrated. They don't have words only paws and teeth and incoherent barking. I emphasize the positive: "beautiful coat", "you're so quiet", "you're excellent company", etc. However, he prefers to hear his name to be sung, "Sasha sasha sasha sasha sasha." He finds the repetition pleasing. His tail wags in beat as I chant.

We enjoy walking but have separate expectations, which can lead to not good outcomes. Plus, he's obscenely furry and it gets everywhere. He's been extremely patient training me. I'm learning his language, which involves very little barking. He communicates mostly with his front paws and snout.
Sasha Asleep

valley day

Very rough. Looking for an exit strategy for this juncture of my life.

Highlights: going to the two art museums: The Bechtler and The Mint. It was my first time at the Bechtler because we were having a standoff about the price of admission. I won. Today was free thanks to Wells Fargo. I saw some amazing art, and I really like the architecture of the buildings. I had my fill of squawking children though.

Great walk with the dog. I love getting compliments about what a wonderful dog he is from strangers when he isn't my dog. I'm quite smitten with him, and my brother makes fun of me. He asks, "How's Sasha?" At least once per conversation.

Good prayer. Beautiful but cold day.

Resolutions:
Move out by May 1st.
Do NaNoWriMo 2011.
Get Microsoft Office for my computer and set up a printer for it. This is driving me nuts.
Read Lilies of the Field this week.

I should be in bed, but my mind and heart are so tightly coiled that my muscles are tense. Love it.

linked in

I looked up a ton of people I know on Linked In today. It'll bring my numbers to over 100. It felt like I was doing something somewhat useful, but maybe I was just playing around on the internet, which I feel like I do on a regular basis. I'm lacking focus these days. I need to schedule my days more thoroughly so that I end up accomplishing what I intend to not something random.

It's not as if I watch TV during the day, but I end up getting side tracked, which is frustrating. I need more architecture to my day. I get up by 8am, but maybe I should make that seven because I am a morning person. And, I get interrupted a lot. That's my other excuse. I'm technically a victim here.

I talked to a lady at the Employment Commission, and her advice was "be patient" because it will take them 6-8 weeks to process my appeal. Nice. And, I followed up with two other leads. First one, I heard nothing after a phone call and email. Second one, I found out 34 people are applying to the job I was sure was a shoe-in. Feeling a little overwhelmed and perplexed. Sending out CVs and applications feels like I'm hurling a pebble off a cliff-- absolutely no feedback to where or when it hits.

Waiting is so hard. I guess that's why I'm being so drawn to Advent right now. So much of the Christian life is spent in waiting... and ordinary time. One must learn how to be comfortable with silence and the unknown-- I'm a puny human. It's completely mystery to think that Jesus willingly became so limited and vulnerable. I guess, he of all people/gods knew what capable hands he would be in.

It's a time for reassessment and growth if I don't completely lose my moorings. As scared as I am, I think I still feel better than feeling trapped in a job I hate. We'll take the temperature on that a couple of months from now. The biggest thing I'm losing out on is going to my friend's wedding in India, which is sad. But, I may not have been able to go if I had job either.

Augustine's Prayer (my favorite)

delapidated cottage from geograph

My soul is like a house,
small for you to enter,
but I pray you to enlarge it.
It is in ruins,
but I ask you to remake it.
It contains much you will not be pleased to see:
this I know and do not hide. Confessions 1.5

craig's list is sketchy

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

weirdness and waiting

(spoiler alert: 2+2 remains 2+2; there is no resolution. But, if you're a regular, you're used to it.)

funeral
+job application
+cousin having baby (it's a girl)
+gut-wrenching conversation with a friend with a broken heart
+studying Advent (2 very different wreaths: 1) hope, faith, joy, & love 2) patriarchs, prophets, John the Baptist, Mary)
+Mexican for lunch
+car inspection and tag renewal
=Today

Life is all about weird juxtaposition. The profound and profane all crowded and jostled in the same subway car. Death, birth, bureaucracy, grace, red tape, enlightenment, boredom, laughter, disappointment.

Thought of the day: I've been role-playing through the Advent Cast: Mary, Joseph, John the Baptist, Wise Men, shepherds, etc., trying to unlock the spiritual/practical application of the historical story. (I can't help myself. I spent several semesters studying Lectio Divina.) Mary is self-explanatory-- Jesus lives and grows inside us in a nutshell. I was wrestling with Joseph-- he clearly demonstrates obedience and servanthood. But, upon my conversation with my friend, I think I may see Joseph as the role of the broken-hearted and shattered/unfulfilled-dreamers. Imagine what he must to have gone through if he loved Mary; he arrives at treating Mary with some dignity on his own. However, God doesn't let him off the hook. He's called to go into this continent of self-denial and faith that's far beyond normal expectation. It's like a precursor of the Sermon on the Mount mixed with Job post apocalypse where he gets double the children.

To sum up the rest of this incoherent post I'll quote my mom's response to my blathering on about Advent: "Studying is fun, isn't it?" You may read on if you wish.

There are the three comings Advent celebrates/acknowledges:

1. his arrival into history/incarnation
2. his return/second coming
3. intermediate entrance into our lives

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. -Romans 8:22-5 (Message)

I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny. Kathleen Norris

the beach

I just got back from a long weekend at the beach with my immediate family. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm sunburned and have a huge cut on my forehead, but it's all for a good cause. The weather was gorgeous. People were in a good mood. Water is cathartic. I read about half of Empire Falls. I walked along the beach and the dunes. I love dunes.

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's funeral. There was a member of the church that thought she was my grandmother (I guess because she always sat with us during the Sunday service). I'm not sad because she's so much better off. But, I will miss her, her keen wit and her confidence in me very much. She's the kind of woman you'd name a daughter after.

Ultimate Hike

While I'm relaxing at the beach this weekend with my family, my former roommate is doing a 25 mile Ultimate Hike to raise money for children's cancer... or children with cancer. I think she's raising 2500 dollars, which she has another month to raise. I think she still needs another $1000. I think that's stressing her out more than the actual hike; she's counting on adrenaline for that. It'll be in the mountains. I think she'll have an amazing time. We shall see.

Let me know if you're interested in sponsoring her, and I'll give you her name. I wish I had more money to give, but time is what I have right now.

Cancer affects everyone. My present roommate had breast cancer. A woman I work with on Alpha has a mom that just found out that it came back in her bones. The mom of one of my best friends is fighting a very aggressive form; here's her Cancer Wars blog. A woman my sister just through a baby shower for a cancer survivor. Four other people spring to mind. And, I'm sure anyone can list people with cancer; I went to a funeral less than a month ago for a cancer victim. It's concrete evil. And, to think little babies die of it, and that it's just as present in countries that don't have our medical technology to deal with it effectively. Kyrie eleison. Go Kristen!!

head above water

Rough week. If I can make it to Friday, I'll make it to the Outer Banks. And if I make it to the Outer Banks, all will be well. I love the beach this time of the year! Right now, I'm in survival mode but meeting a friend for wine this afternoon helped me smile and put things in perspective. Friends are good.

baby mop

Baby Mop link
So, I didn't end up making edible bread today. However, I did make some metaphorical bread when my aunt said, "I really like your purse." I immediately asked, "Enough to buy it?" And, a deal was struck. She said she had the cash on her, and I said she could have the bag then and there. I learned my lesson-- one must seize a transaction when one notice's it. Strike while the iron is hot. This looking for a job stint is really transforming my relationship to stuff. I'm getting far less emotionally attached. It's stuff. It helps that my Bible study last night was on Ecclesiastes 6, which is about stuff.

Happy stuff: Doesn't that baby mop do your heart glad on so many levels? I found this on pinterest, which is yet another online black hole to suck your life force. So, of course, I like it. My sister contends that pinterest is the dumbed down (i.e. "feminized" version) of digg. She may be right. However, the baby mop reminds me of dogs carrying packs on hikes. I swear the dog and the baby are psyched about pitching in for the greater good!
dog carrier link

bread

I really want to make some bread. In the concrete sense (and the metaphorical one too). I think I'm going to try tomorrow. I really like cooking, especially now that I have a decent kitchen to work in. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm at an impasse at finding a job; I called and sent out over twenty resumes this week and am feeling emotionally drained (as lame as that is). So, I think I'll take a long weekend and come back Monday revived and energized about looking for my dream job. My bible study on Ecclesiastes is timely. There's a time to study Ecclesiastes and a time to study James.

My friend's mom is having a really good day! And, people donated enough money and miles so that her sister can fly home four times to see her family over the next two months; she disengaged the donate button. How cool is that?!? God is good. (This does fit in-- give us our daily bread.)

reading material

Oh, how the West has gone awry. Here are some articles on how we tweak the basics and come up short. None of this is new... not even the articles.Haiti Doesn't Need Your Old Tshirt
Steve Jobs: Secular Prophet

ignorance

I have no idea went on the world today: how South Sudan is doing, how Wall Street is crumbling, who's running in the different primaries. It's nice and scary. Needing a job does give me more overall focus, but I'm taking it a little far. And, I cancelled my subscriptions that kept me smart: Atlantic, Economist, Nat Geo, Runner's World because it was an easy way to save money. Now, I'm reading books. I read some smarmy 19th century short stories (Colette and Somerset Maugham), a cookbook and commentaries on the Psalms and Ecclesiastes. My roommate has decided to resubscribe to the newspaper; this is good.

machine gun approach= always fun

I think my roommate is concerned about my being able to pay rent. We just sat around for 45 minutes discussing different types of teaching jobs I'm willing and able to do. Substituting is not an option: that's my absolute worst nightmare. My roommate's big into me capitalizing on my ESL experience with Koreans and Japanese. So, tutoring for reading or ESL for third graders through college students-- we wrote down names of schools from ritzy to non-ritzy for possible students. Private and public schools, community colleges, etc. Plus, there's the gargantuan home-school contingent that I might be able to break into and get paid to teach somehow (I have some names of home-schooling moms to call and start investigating opportunities). I hadn't even considered that where I live, but it's worth looking into. I also need to look into high-end nannying not the ones where you clean the toilets while the kids watch cartoons and drink kool aid (I have a number for a woman with a master's who nannies and get paid on her education-- I'm going to call her).

I made my (unsuccessful) collection calls today-- just to remind the people that owe me money that I remember that they owe me money and that I, in fact, need the money. I received an email that one adjunct position isn't available. But, I got a phone call from a better school about some history classes for the summer and fall. That sounds so far away, especially the fall. And, I'm not sure I want to commit to staying in Charlotte so I can teach a single class. But, I'm jumping the gun. Who knows if they're even interested in me?

And, I added about twenty more books to my amazon account. And, I read articles on Squidoo for about an hour and am starting to get an idea about what to do for that. And, I looked at some Christian think tank in Cali, which would be beyond a dream job-- I'll look into the organization. I'm praying and acting so something is going to have to eventually sprout. "When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't, they don't." - William Temple

If you have any good ideas, please message me! I'm open to

all does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

We sang this in high school, then I read it in Lord of the Rings in college. My brother and I made numerous hobbit references on our hike Wednesday such as "I don't think we're going to have elevensies," which led me to think about this poem that is a poignant reminder of hope and the deeper reality. I get mesmerized by glitter of what I feel I should be and am not, and I have definitely mastered the art of wandering. But, all is not lost... ever. Whether in my job search or with Mandy's mom or in friendship or in unfulfilling work.

I had some reminders this week: yesterday and tonight as I unpacked my books from Vancouver, I had a heavy reminder of my passion in boxes. I have all these books on Christian spirituality, writing and poetry. I lose my moorings every now and then, including this week. But, these books reminded me that I do know some stuff. I've read hundreds of books on some subjects-- not that that makes me an expert, but it is something to offer.

Last Alpha, a student I taught my first year of teaching appeared outside the conference room serendipitously when I was playing around the book table. He recognized me. It was so cool. He stayed, ate, listened to the lecture and stayed for the discussion. It was really cool. That year was so miserable, but he was definitely a highlight. He won my Social Studies award. So, it felt like a consolation from God to tell me all was not lost those three years teaching in Nowhere, NC.

On Thursday, a church lady said, "Why is it that I always laugh when I'm near you?" I told her that I hoped it wasn't my sense of style. But, that comment was so encouraging. I do have that affect on some people (and vice versa), maybe there's a future for me in edutainment after all. It was also a good reminder to focus my attention on people that enjoy me instead of trying to vie for attention from uninterested people.

Then after I lamented about having no friends in town, I ran into a girl from my Sermon on the Mount Bible study at a party. I told her about all the stuff that was weighing me down, and she gladly listened. We're even getting together for wine later in the week.

It was a rough week largely due to no leads and the waiting. But, I started a whole new business venture. I need to learn how to remember whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, instead of the people who didn't answer my emails or calls. I should think about the kind words, the gorgeous weather, the exciting new adventures, the time spent with friends and family. But, I've been wallowing in the rejection I've experienced. There was plenty of gold in my week despite the dross.

This post is quite similar to this one I wrote almost three years ago: tangential meditation. I remembered it because somebody got to the page via googling "transgenital meditation". That made me laugh. And, my post made me realize that I'm in the same struggle I always am.

5 books and nothing

So as I continue to hunt jobs to no avail, I need income. People aren't interested in my teaching services, so I had to think about what I have that somebody else might find valuable. Books. More precisely, some of my books. I went through my books and chose ones that I could part with and checked if they have any value on Amazon. A lot of them had no value, but some of them were worth over $50.

On Wednesday, I sold five books! I got really excited because one was a text book at $45, which made all the 4-5 buck books feel more worthwhile. I think I could definitely get into selling books, but I'm not sure it's the equivalent to a job. It's more in line with a hobby. I love to buy (and read) books. So, I've made arrangements to get my books out of storage and see if how many of them I would want to and could sell.

Today and yesterday have been rough. I'm realizing I don't have a really close friend and Charlotte with whom I could share. The last time I talked with someone about being unemployed, she asked me for a loan within two weeks of the conversation. It felt wrong on so many levels.

People are great at giving out vague encouragement and giving me ideas for jobs. I'm not substituting because that is hell on earth-- maybe for $1000/day. But, that's not the going rate. And, people talk about adjunct positions. I really need to know somebody at the schools. It's disheartening to apply to a job for several hours and not even get a response.

There's a part of me that really wants to start a business, which the posting-books-on-Amazon thing has really tapped into. My sister the marketer told me that I'm right on trend with selling my stuff; she even sent me an article. I've been thinking of different ideas. I like books, clothes, teaching and Christian spirituality. I'd really like to get some kind of online co-op/rental local thing going. I'm thinking with fancy clothes, juicers, tents, etc. People could list them and other people could rent them. Somewhere between Craig's List and Zilok and retalicand even Etsy and blog on 30 plus online clothing rental. Or, a clearing house for teachers who want to tutor and parents who need tutors. I would charge a small fee to the teachers, but it would allow them to make a lot more money (probably twice) than working for a tutoring company. So, I need to research all the different businesses and see the feasibility for me and this area. I need to look at structures and business models and figure out possible problems, the proper audience, marketing, fundraising, etc. My sister is good to remind me to use the down/hard times for tough reflection and motivation.

And, I've made two more resolutions on becoming self sufficient and simplifying. One, I want to buy no more than 3 new pieces of clothing for a year. I started in September; I'm already a month into this resolution. I can shop at second-hand stores or swap clothes. So, I'm excited about this proposition. Two, I'm going to stop dating for a while-- at least a month but maybe until the New Year. We shall see. I need to focus on my professional status and identity. I need just straight up friends to offer laughter, fun and a reality outside this little bubble of trouble in order to keep me grounded.

kyrie elieson

The saddest news just bowled me over. The most dear mom of one of my very dear friends received news see has terminal cancer. She's beautiful in so many ways, and so many lives just got jolted into unknown, dark, scary, lonely territory. My friend laments that her daughter is only a year old and will not get the chance to know or be known by her. Rightfully so. What will her dad do? How much pain will she endure? We are so frail and vulnerable.

It, of course, made me think about what I'd do if my mom died. I have no idea--my siblings and I would be so lost. I ache for my friend and her family.

Last week, my sister had a long conversation with a lady about her life. The lady wrapped up by saying, "You're really lucky that your mother loves you." My sister was taken aback: of course, our mother loves her. Then she thought about it, and realized that a mother's love isn't a given. We are well loved, and so is my friend.

Family is a mix of the prosaic and the profound. For instance, I went to the Cleveland County Fair with my brother and rode all the rides that didn't go upside-down. We fed carrots to llamas and ostriches, looked at the winning Lego fort (with soldiers and monkeys defending it), and got lost on the way up. I was very conscious of the memory we were making at several junctions like when I asked a lady in her 60's decked out in camo for directions or when we were questioning the beach scene backdrop for the ride called "Tornado"-- do they mean hurricane? Even when we came back to the house, my brother offered me some "Christmas candy". Only we would know what he was talking about. Most of the profound stuff is beyond words and falls under the "things good are small and fragile." A mom's love is experienced not explained. Your family is deeply woven into your soul and reality's fabric. Something happening to them rips and alters your very being. After all, we're made in the image of the triune God.

So sad. So helpless. Please pray.

why Flannery O'Connor?

She was an awkward smart aleck from the South that wrote stark, true stories. She loved birds. She went to Mass everyday during Iowa's Writer's Conference. She knew she was brilliant, and honored her genius through hard work and a monastic lifestyle. It wasn't hubris, it was focus. She lived a determined life. She thought deeply about faith, life and God. There's nothing frou-frou about her. Apparently, she had a very nasal Southern drawl and the drollest sense of humor around. She died of Lupus at a young age and didn't seem to bury herself with self pity. She wasn't pretty in a culture that judged women by that sole criterium; she didn't care. She had some very deep, lifelong friendships.‎ She loved people, but her love lacked sentimentality. She believed in the power and value of art. She strove for perfection. She believed in sin. She makes Christianity appealing for those of us who aren't nice.

She makes me want to write a short story. She makes me do a double take on my everyday experience.

Quotations:

"The truth will make you odd."

"You tell a story because a statement would be inadequate. When anybody asks what a story is about, the only proper thing is to tell them to read the story. The meaning of fiction is not abstract meaning but experienced reading, and the purpose of making statements about the meaning of a story is only to help you experience that meaning more fully."

adhd episode leads to entrepreneurial venture

Today was designated for collecting, sifting, organizing, all my stuff from my old apartment into my new room. My apartment was small, but the room is smaller. It's a study of conspicuous consumption to have duplicates and a plethora of random crap. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff. I have to take advantage of a moment of crisis such as this.

I need to get rid of clothes, books and things miscellaneous. While weeding through my books picking out the ones I haven't read in ten years, it occurred to me that I could try to sell them on Amazon. So, I set up a seller's account and posted some books. A lot of my books wouldn't be worth selling because Amazon charges $1 plus 15% per book. But, several of my books are worth over one-hundred dollars and couple over fifty! I told my brother about it, and he said I should go through the books at Mom's. I told my sister, and she said she couldn't sell her books.

Well... I haven't sold any yet, but I'm excited about the prospect. One part of me is in total agreement with my sister and feels like a jerk for selling my books. Another part of me knows I like to buy new books. Another part of me justifies it by thinking about my high school crush Thomas Jefferson. He sold his library. Desperate times lead to desperate internet selling schemes. It's not like a ponzy scheme; it's actually making the world a better place. A book case is a treasure chest in more ways than one!

I might try to sell some of my clothes on eBay. The worst case scenario is they don't sell... or I somehow lose money on the proposition. But, selling stuff is in my blood. Lots of my family own their own businesses.

October: the autumn of my content

October arrived with crisp confidence today. Hello, Autumn! Seasons are the perfect blend of new and familiar that create a delightful pang of anticipation. I love when worlds collide.

For Mandy


Still Life

I’d like to arrange
a still life
and then
go live in it--
an artful pot,
dried flowers,
a stone frog,
and perfect calm.

Luci Shaw

So lovely. Luci posted this on her Facebook page-- so wonderful and kind and true. It's perfect like a grape. I stole that from Billy Collins. He describes haikus as having a grape in your mouth.


I fell in love with these dogs this afternoon! However, I'm not sure my roommate would approve of me coming home with a 160 pound dog no matter how docile and needy he is.
Great Pyrenees Rescue Dogs

Tonight I'm feeling the necessary humility that comes from being me-- hence, these offerings of other people's genius and generosity. So much beauty to behold. I don't need to be witty; I just need to be able to say "Thank you!"

The Sacred Space monks bring together my rambling thoughts about humility and generous gift into significant cohesion:

"It has been said that the truest prayer is when I am utterly open to God, unprotected, defenseless, trusting. The best and simplest prayer is summed up when I say, ‘Here I am, O Lord, and just as I am’. It is the prayer where I open my heart, my whole being, in childlike trust, in simplicity. I simply entrust myself to Christ, who is always there for me. And I can do that, because I know I will be received in love. But such a prayer is in fact a response to what is being done towards me. First and foremost, there is the whole mystery of God’s openness to me, God’s vulnerability before me, in the self-giving of Jesus. This is the amazing thing.

"The greatest reality in my prayer is God’s openness towards me, God’s childlike giving of himself into my hands in Jesus. The truth is here, and expressed in Paul’s hymn in the Letter to the Philippians about God’s self-giving in Christ, when he tells us that Jesus ‘emptied himself’, and also ‘humbled himself’ for us (Philippians 2:7, 8). Much could be said on this but the central thing is that God’s innermost heart is opened to me in love, through the person of Jesus. In my moment of stillness, therefore, Jesus is looking on me in love - and, further, becomes poor and vulnerable for me. Such is the way of true love, after all. And so my prayer becomes none other than a loving response in simplicity and childlike trust. Someone is saying to me, ‘Here I am for you’, and so I can say in turn, ‘And here I am, O Lord, and as I am, for you’."