Friday, December 28, 2012

Thoughts on Anna Karenina



A couple of weeks ago I went to see the completely crappy Gerrard Butler flick in lieu of Anna Karenina, the trailerbecause I was afraid I'd be disappointed by Keira Knightly.  Big mistake.

Today I went to see Anna Karenina with my uncle for his birthday. He's a Tolstoy fanatic (and I mean that as a true compliment).  My mom, my aunt, and my cousin, an accomplished actor, came along too.

Anna
This movie was brilliant!  I want to see it again.  and again.  It's an interesting interpretation of the book.  I felt it remained true to the story without strictly following the plot.  Bravo, Tom Stoppard.  For instance, the dance scene where Vronsky transfers his 'love' from Kitty to Anna.  That's not how it happens in the book, but the viewer ends up with the same feeling as she does reading the book's scenes-- gut wrenched.  I also found the expected sophomoric humor true to Tolstoy too: dog poot and nose blowing.  Tolstoy paid a lot of attention to the material world and to details that would never be filed under "high art". It's true to life that funny things happen at the most inopportune times.

I felt the movie took advantage of the visual cues: color, the theater, some of the shots are amazing... even if it occasionally was over the top.

Karenin
My biggest disappointment: Karenin.  Jude Law turned the detestable character into an almost likable bloke.  I take issue with this.  In the book, he's the epitome of frigid obligation.  He's narrow and rigid. He makes the reader's skin crawl without a single misstep.  He has no clue how to be human.  He has no friends.  He turns love into a formula.  He turns the gospel into a formula.  His forgiveness serves as a death sentence to Anna because of his incapability to love or receive or give grace.  Jude Law's Karenin is warm-blooded, which makes Anna out to be more of a tart than in actuality.  Tolstoy's Karenin would leech the life and spirit out of any passionate woman-- any woman.

I enjoyed how stylized the picture was.  I especially liked the completely choreographed bureaucracy  scene-- as were the society scenes.  Tolstoy felt the same way about bureaucracy and society; he was no fan.  I liked Levin, although I always imagined him older and bald.  Trust me, the movie's version was far easier on the eyes than my mind's eye's version.

The quotation: "There are as many loves as their are hearts" has gotten a lot of attention.  I believe Stoppard used it as the organizing point of his movie adaptation. I think Tolstoy makes a strong case that is limited to the character of the person who offers it: Karenin, Oblonsky, Vronsky, and Levin are capable of very different types of love-- some more true and real.  However, I don't think Tolstoy was a postmodernist.  He had more in mind that character flaws are limitations on one's ability to love.

Oblonsky
For example, the affable character Oblonsky; he's a chummy cad that one cannot help but like whose early dalliance caused the meeting between Anna and Vronsky.  (Is that a comment on how connected we are to one another and how are personal sin affects others?)  But, his inability to remain true to his wife Dolly is linked throughout the story to his debt.  He sells Dolly's land/dowry in order to cover his debts.  He lacks discipline and self control, which punishes his family.  He loves Dolly, but his love is limited to his refusal to restrain himself.  He is ruled by his appetites.   Whereas, Levin is almost the opposite: his honor almost prevents him asking Kitty to marry him again.  Then, there is Karenin who is incapable of love.  Does Vronsky love Anna?  That's the question my mom asked at the end of the film, and it's a good one.  I answered to the degree he was able.

 It's a thought-provoking film well worth seeing.


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas 2012 musings

Yowsers: AL's Xmas tree! 



It was a nice holiday.  I was sick for the first half but recovered in time to partake in the edibles!  It was a good reminder of how good life is: family, friends, food, time to relax and laugh.  I really enjoyed being with my family.  We did practically nothing.  We ate French Onion Soup, my brother and I watched Looney Tunes.  My mom said, "This is a great reminder of the role of family... even with their foibles... they are your family."  My aunt went all out with her party, and it was lovely.  The devil is in the details.
My Silly Brother

We did manage to go to the Christmas Eve service-- it was the contemporary music service, but the sermon was fantastic.  The pastor compared the article in Us Weekly about the preparations for Prince William and Kate's baby and Jesus's birth.  I was really struck by his comment about the prophesies about Bethlehem, and how they did nothing to spruce it up for the Messiah.  The parallels in my life run rampant.

The other thing that really struck me this time is the star.  It's beautiful that a) nature was drawn to Jesus and b) Jesus met the Magi in their language/vocation/passion.

Yes, please
The other difference this year was having to work Christmas Eve.  It wasn't bad, but it was a good reminder of how tough some people's lives are.  All I could think about were the poor mamas who had to work a shift at Wal-Mart or a grocery store and then come home to be Santa.  I also realized what a service working is.  We drove by a pharmacy open on Christmas-- can you imagine needing medicine and not being able to get it?

Also, Christmas cards and texts from friends were really sweet.  I felt loved.

So lovely!
I hope you had a happy, meaningful Christmas!




Friday, December 21, 2012

12/21/12... and I feel fine



It's the end of the world as we know it.  Yeah, REM.  Today was busy; I spoke with Essence and Inspiration and ate free pizza-- really what more could I ask for?  I thought the heron had abandoned our creek for somewhere warmer.  Instead, the bloke stood morose and somber-- he was ready for the end of the world... and a photo shoot.

Isn't he lovely?  I love his coloring, and how his feathers are blowing in the wind. He looks cold.







Thursday, December 20, 2012

chats, grilled cheese, hope, art and "art"




Tattooed Pigs Fly
Origami Tree!!!
Tools: For the man who has everything





My "weekend" is Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  It's a little weird but doable.  It's a great schedule for looking for a job.  This "weekend" really flew by.

A Hoot
Tuesday was wrapped up in talking with this headmaster of a school in Seattle.  Don't misinterpret: I'm a long ways away from accepting a job offer.  But, I wanted to chat with someone before I embarked on the rather daunting application process.  There are several essays and such... it reminded me of college apps really.  After discussing with the head of school, I decided the essays would be a good exercise for me anyway; they'd help me clarify what I have to offer and what I want from a position. I cannot tell you how pivotal this conversation was in my perspective, compounded with some letters and journaling I did this past week.  I even bought a 2013 All Sport Season's Pass at the White Water Center.  I want to go at least once a week!

Cupcake Tree!
Chill Wednesday: my shoulders hurt when I went to bed and hurt when I woke up so I got an hour long CHINESE MASSAGE, which put me in a mood for a great hike, received an email about teaching English in Rwanda this summer!!!!, curse at fellow drivers while I listen to the Gospel of John on CD (I'm that bad but so was their driving), consider the irony, brow wax, discuss providence, good works, tattoos, nose rings, meet a good friend at one restaurant, apologize to bartender and leave for half-price wine at another one, fall in love with Llama Malbec, buy a hat at Nordstrom's, read some in Les Mis.
one of the misses

before they were dry
Grilled Cheese Thursday: got up at 6 am, chatted and read, went back to bed.  Woke up second time at 10:13am to two  calls from my favorite neighbor. called neighbor back and made lunch plans. bought one pound of  Neese's Extra Sage Sausage. went to lunch with neighbor ate a Blackberry Brie Grilled Cheese with Tomato Basil soup at Spindle City.  proceeded across the street to the Art Guild.  chatted with the artist and enjoyed the broad range of art.  some were hits and some were misses.  Impressed my favorite neighbor; she asked me, "Were you pulling that lady's leg? Were you just making that up?" I told her, "I did take some art in college, but I mostly shot from the hip."  Fav neighb responded, "Well, we made her day." Made work-intensive, dry Sausage balls. Drove to the String Bean to meet a friend who ended up getting lost.  Drank a beer and journaled the hour away. Ate another grilled cheese.  Had a great conversation about the Hobbit, demons, smartphones.  Thoroughly enjoyed our friendship.
Pillow Cake= Comfort Food?









Tuesday, December 18, 2012

climbing opossums and post-it notes

 Sometimes I complain life doesn't hold enough surprises. Last week broke up the monotony. On Friday, a mass murder of kindergarteners that shakes us briefly out of complacence.

Then, on Sunday, at the opposite end of the spectrum, this opossum clambered up a tree before work.  We stood transfixed by the grotesque and compelling feat.  It was the first time several of my coworkers had seen a live one.  He seemed to be attempting to escape his fate. He was high in a tall oak, getting as far away as possible from the street.  My office is really near uptown, so the opossum was out of his element.

As I settle into this job, I realize that I find cubicles, pale yellow paint, bullet-point facts, and bureaucracy soul crushing.  I don't like being leashed by a computer monitoring system or a headset.  
Then again, I'm realizing I really enjoy talking with (most) people.  I'm learning I enjoy working with words-- I really like composing notes and letters.  It's really fun to come up with ways to state the same information in a more bearable sentence-- we're really about packaging.  I also realize how much I value movement and getting to go outside.  I also like being around young people... but smart people too.  I also really like bright post-it notes.  I go through at least one pack a week.  Related, I really like to write lists and doodle, and I prefer blue pens to black. 


While I'm tripping down Know Thyself lane, I've caught myself clinging to an offhand comment a friend made about learning to accept yourself as you are in your 30's.  As I was in the midst of a really craptastic day, I went on a walk and bought Les Mis.  Life became bearable after the walk and reading 50 pages.  I only snapped one more time after that: a guy had the audacity to assert I had a Master's in education.  So, I need to accept that I like reading, being outside, physical activity, and snap when irritated.  I'm surrounded by people that don't get excited... ever.  Dude, I get excited about post-it notes, first names (Retina and Amiracle), and some of my doodles.  I have a map in my cubicle so that I can figure out where people are-- and I circle the places.  But, the flip-side to being easily excited is that I'm easily upset.  And in accepting my high level of excitability, I can better appreciate the attributes of my colleagues low level excitability.

Life is a collage of the intense and mundane, the esoteric and the everyday.  Navigation is forever tricky.  Life seemed far more manageable when I was 15 years-old.  Instead of applying a wrecking ball to everything I hate, I think I need to listen more, look more, understand more-- some people refer to it as "wisdom".  I listened to Isaiah last week and was struck by God's sovereignty and by the phrase "eyes that do not see and ears that do not hear and hearts that don't understand."

P.S.  So far, Les Mis is fantastic.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Handel's Messiah

The ad 

Some people celebrated 12/12/12 with wedding nuptials.  My family celebrated it with traditional Advent. Last night, I took my mom to dinner and Handel's Messiah.  It was an enjoyable evening (better than some weddings I've attended).  It felt apropos since she was the one who introduced me to the music.  When I was little, I remember the woman playing the timpani, the color of the trumpet, and the audience standing for the Hallelujah chorus. The program had the text in its entirety with the Bible verses, which was helpful.  Now, I really like the choruses: I'm not sure if that's due to maturity or theological development or mere coincidence.

We went to Harvest Moon Grille for dinner.  It's one of those hipster joints that only uses local food.  It was delish! Mom got the kale salad and smoked chicken breast.  I got the roasted squash salad and pork shank.  I've never had sweet potatoes au gratin before, but they were good.  Even the butter was local and yummy.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

xmas tourist



I had one fun day yesterday... equally relaxing and stimulating.  Fun was much needed as I've been an uptight stress bunny the past couple of days.  But, fun is full of magic and reorientates my perspective.

I went to see the horrid new Gerrard Butler movie.  I sat through the entire thing waiting for it to get better.  But, it didn't.  (Sorry, if I ruined it for you.)  I should of gone to Anna Karenina, but I was afraid it would be disappointing because I love the book.  I don't think it could have been more disappointing than this dud; I despised how vapid it made out women to be.

Then we went to a French restaurant where I demolished this amazing smoked salmon croissant and some skinny fries and window shopped at the fancy stores that sell what NYC people where.  It's the stuff I read about in magazines.  It's nice to see it in real life.  I contend clothes boutiques are art galleries.  Shoes, dresses, etc. are beautiful and innovative.

It was cold. So when my aunt left to go to get ready for her appointment, I had to go by my favorite consignment shop.  I fell in love with this teal cashmere sweater, cool but decent jeans, and these Katherine Hepburn-esque/ Lauren Bacall-esque pants.  I was such a dork: I asked the sales girls to cut off the tags so I could wear them right then (sweater and jeans).  And, I changed right there.  I felt fantastic and adventurous that I headed to uptown.

After snagging a parking spot, I went around snapping really bad shots of cool decorations.  About five people came up to me and chatted while I was taking pictures.  I discussed with a homeless guy the possibility that they'd keep the lights up after Christmas.  We both they'll keep the tree garden one with blue lights up year-round.  The lights transform the corner from scary to magical.

An artistic Christmas tree
Then, I ended up at the Mint for their Tuesday night FREEdom.  Because of my work schedule, I miss worship services.  It's gotten to the point I'd even go to a bad one with cheesy music and lackluster preaching just to go.  But, the museum felt sacred in the sense that it's set apart.  Beauty points to a good and big God and reminds you that there are elements to reality that are not visible to the naked eye.

And, I happened upon this lecture by Joseph Walsh this artist that uses wood as his medium.  It was a fantastic lecture: nice looking guy, Irish accent, beautiful slides, and interesting ideas that I'd never considered.

It's nice to escape the grinding monotony of everyday every once in a while, right?  Even if it's a mini-adventure in your city.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

the wormy scarflet




Like most of my endeavors, there's a distinct hit-or-miss factor to my knitting.  What I lack in talent, I make up for in ingenuity and ignorance. I'm pleased with my latest "creation".  I don't even know what I should call it.  Scarflet? Mini scarf with button? Neck-knit?

Ingredients:
two funky yarns that Joy spun together for me.
1 faux-celtic button.
1 plain button.
Some black stretchy string.
Ribbon.
An old scarf my mom bought for me in Wilmington at an arts fair.

I think I like knitting.  I'm not really interested in intricate patterns or all the different types of knitting.  I'm really interested in the materials, juxtaposition, and color.  I need pretty, soft yarn to get me interested in a project.

I may go to the yarn store tomorrow to stock up on some more chunky yarn to make some scarflets for Christmas presents.

It feels awesome: warm and snuggly.  I need to get someone to my picture while I'm wearing it.


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tis the Season

dude sunbathing with Christmas wreath in background

The weather has been insanely gorgeous.  Today, December 4th, I ate lunch outside.  I ate with hygienic disposable chopsticks and discussed badminton, ethics, and inerrancy.  Then, I sat on a bench next to a fountain with a latte and finally finished JK Rowling's Casual Vacancy.

Then, I met my mentoring group to eat cheeseburgers and walk McAdenville, aka Christmasville, USA.  I felt like an ambassador for my county.  I quasi-explained mill hills and textile manufacturing while defending Southern rednecks.  Um, it's not like we have a monopoly on rednecks-- ours are just more entertaining.

My hometown: even better in person
P.S. I got a camera... let the rumpus start.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Watch for the Light

I can't wait for Advent!*  December 2nd: the count-down is on.  I taught a class on Advent last year, which served as a great excuse to sprinkle my blog with advent poems and such.  No doubt there will be some of that this year. 

For a lot of history, the church has treated Advent in the same manner they treated Lent; there was more longing and penitence and less  shopping and decorating.  We miss so much skipping over Advent: a punch line needs a joke.  We don't do waiting in our culture-- we're far too important and busy.

I've been on a quest for a good Advent devotional book, a guide: Watch for the Light.  In this context, "good" means intelligent not sentimental, insightful not cliche, what I need to hear not what I want to hear.

I think I may have found it... after reading November 24th's reading, Blumhardt's "Action in Waiting":

".... We live in a mass of wrongs and untruths, and they surround us as a dark, dark night. Not even in the most flagrant things do we manage to break through....

"Anyone whose attention is fixed on the coming reign of God and who wants to see a change brought about in God's house will become more and more aware that there exists a universal wrongness that is pulled over us like a choking, suffocating blanket." (5-6)

"We must speak in practical terms.  Either Christ's coming has meaning for us now, or else it means nothing at all." (10)

"The all-important thing is to keep your eyes on what comes from God and to make way for it to come into being here on earth. If you always try to be heavenly and spiritually minded, you won't understand the everyday work God has for you to do...." (12)

Humble thyself.  "Because a transformation of this scale can never be achieved by human means, but only by divine intervention, Advent (to quote Bonhoeffer again) might be compared to a prison cell 'in which one waits and hope and does various unessential things... but is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside.' It is a fitting metaphor. But dependency does not release us from responsibility. If the essence of Advent is expectancy, it is also readiness for action: watchfulness for every opening, and willingness to risk everything for freedom and a new beginning." (xvi)

I like how the writers lean into the tension of watching and willingness.  In fact, I need it.


I'll close with the poem the book opens:

Lo, in the silent night
A child to God is born
And all is brought again
That ere was lost or lorn.

Could but thy soul, O man,
Become a silent night!
God would be born in thee
And set all things aright!
                              15th Century





*Haha, a little Advent humor.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

A Collect for Fridays... and Mand ;)

Almighty God, whose most dear Son went not up to joy but first he suffered pain, and entered not into glory before he was crucified: Mercifully grant that we, walking in the way of the cross, may find it none other than the way of life and peace; through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord. Amen.
(A Collect for Fridays, Morning Prayer II in the Common Book of Prayer)

This collect states the difference between Jesus and Oprah.  Maybe there's more to life than being nice, happy, and comfortable.  Maybe we're a little more broken than we let on. Then again, maybe I haven't done enough navel gazing recently.

And, since it's Thanksgiving, one more from the Book of Common Prayer-- it's got a little kick:

The General Thanksgiving

Almighty God, Father of all mercies,
we your unworthy servants give you humble thanks
for all your goodness and loving-kindness
to us and to all whom you have made.
We bless you for your creation, preservation,
and all the blessings of this life;
but above all for your immeasurable love
in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ;
for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.
And, we pray, give us such an awareness of your mercies,
that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise,
not only with our lips, but in our lives,
by giving up our selves to your service,
and by walking before you
in holiness and righteousness all our days;
through Jesus Christ our Lord,
to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit,
be honor and glory throughout the ages. Amen.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

notes on thank you


People don’t write thank notes; they write thank you notes.  Similarly, the meaning of thanksgiving isn’t for what you’re thankful but to whom you give thanks. 

As Americans our gratitude list is long.  Perhaps, it’s one of the longest lists in history. Hot showers and well-stocked grocery stores are amazing.

Feeling gratitude is mood enhancing and good psychology although it isn’t the purpose of thanksgiving. Gifts, which most impacted my life, never filled me with gratitude.  Braces, tenth grade, and rowing practice come to mind.  These three things improved me, but I rarely felt thankful when I couldn’t chew gum or studied Modern World History or woke up at 4:45am.  I never thanked God for the opportunity to have a corrected overbite or read primary texts or participate in Title IX athletics.

It’s about to whom you give thanks.  I fall into an uncomfortable mishmash of self-congratulation and sense of entitlement when I’m not focused on God as the giver of things good. My life starts being all about me.  The value of my job, my friends, and my hobbies decreases as each becomes an obstacle to my self-actualization.

Appreciating God as the cause of all my thanks grounds me.  It’s about God.  Of course, this statement begs the question of situations of unemployment, cancer, infertility, natural disasters, and all other struggles.  This essay is far too simple to address this theological complexity. However, I thank God for his goodness and power as mysterious and beyond my ability to understand as they are.  Thanking and praising God reorient me to reality—the reality that’s much bigger and far beyond me. Thank God.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

inner yogi conquers sigh

My inner yogi is a contemplative.  She's not prone to competition, contortion, or consumerism.  Not that I've ever heard her talk, but these are facts I've gleaned over the years.

Her inhibition set in on her maiden yoga class in the Student Recreation Center at the college we were attending.  The instructor and I got off on the wrong foot because I asked, "What are your sit bones?" The instructor sighed her disdain, and my friend mouthed to me, "YOUR BUTT."  That was just the beginning.

The instructor circulated like a dedicated mall security guard.  It was intense, and I heard her sigh every time she came by me.  She attempted to give me hints, but stopped trying.  Finally, these words escaped her lips, "You're not even trying."  I was sweating from my attempt at all the insanity, but my bones would crack and my muscles snap before I could pull off some of these feats.  I've never been flexible on any plane of existence.  I've been able to touch my toes with straight legs approximately twice in my life.  From then one, she merely sighed while passing me and my aching body.

But there's no such thing as a mere sigh when it comes to her. Yoga instructors are masters of le sigh: sighing as art form and weapon.  It's all the breathing exercises. There may be an entire class devoted to sighing with a part one and two. It's two-fold power is: 1) it wilts your soul with disdain and disgust and 2) creates smug cloud that affects your oxygen levels much like hiking just the peaks in the Himalayas (if that were possible).  I can't breathe; I'm getting light-headed. Furthermore, le sigh connotes spiritual enlightenment (the instructor's not yours), which is the nail in the coffin of doom.

Perhaps, your defeat is supposed to lead to limpness, which translates into flexibility.  Not so in my case.  I got frustrated-- one might even say "angry", and my inner yogi curled up in the fetal position to die.  Turns out, inner yogi is no feminist.  Inner yogis are not to be confused with pet spider monkeys who aim to please and adore learning tricks.

My inner yogi remained curled up in the fetal position, and I continued making jokes about how much I hate yoga until... OLD LADY YOGA at my local Y.  We're talking roughly a decade. So,  I went to the class because of my weird work schedule, and I was so stiff from sitting so much that I was willing to try anything... even yoga with a defeated inner yogi.

Maybe it was the sweat pants and white tube socks in lieu of lulelemon uniforms.  Maybe the instructor had abandoned the art of the sigh due to all the hearing aids.  Maybe it was my desperation.  But, my inner yogi uncurled herself and lay on the floor and even joined me for sitting crisscross applesauce (even though she did ask, "She means indian style, right?")  She really didn't mind any of the low-key exercises.  Turns out, she's a minimalist who isn't prone to exhibitionism in any form and allergic to sighs.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

contact, contact, contact, contact, contact

Did you ever say a word over and over again until you couldn't say it anymore and it seemed completely weird?  Just a normal word--nothing fancy; say, contact or, even, weird.

Or, have you ever spelled a word correctly, and it doesn't look right?  So, you spell it about three or four different ways to see if any of those look correct.   Say, occasion then ocassion then occassion. And, you end up going with your original spelling even though it still doesn't look quite right. Later, you look the word up in a dictionary, and you were right the entire time.

My sister and I would repeat words into oblivion, then dissolve into giggles.  We'd usually be sitting in one of our back bedrooms on pale green carpet next to our beds somewhere in the little kid activity schedule of eating, sleeping, playing, and growing up to be overly analytical.

Sometimes I catch myself doing that same exercise with my life.  Every once and a while, I'll wake up, start up my routine, and it doesn't seem right.  So, I tweak the schedule.  I'll have a cookie for breakfast instead of oatmeal.  Journal more to figure out what's going on. Or... go into full-on existential crisis mode.  Why am I here?  Does my life serve any real purpose?  Do I do anything worthy of my carbon footprint?  (I actually said that to someone yesterday. Oops.)  And, it turns into this dark, soupy mind loop but minus the giggling.

But, full-on existential crisis mode takes a lot of emotional and psychological energy, which leads to an early bedtime or, if I'm lucky, a nap.  Then, the universal elixir, sleep, set things right.  Oatmeal and routine are okay once again.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

commonplacing for this week

"It is important to note that 'the valley of the shadow of death' is as much God's right path for us as the 'green pastures' which lie beside 'quiet waters.'"
James M. Boice

“Such is the depth of the Christian Scriptures that even if I were attempting to study them and nothing else from early boyhood to decrepit old age, with the utmost leisure, the most unwearied zeal, and talents greater than I have, I would still daily be making progress in discovering their treasures.”
St. Augustine


"CHALLENGE:
NAME THE MOST COUNTER-CULTURAL TEXT IN THE BIBLE

My vote:
"What do you have that you did not receive?" (meaning: nothing) (1 Corinthians 4:7)"

Miroslav Volf

"... it only takes about 90 hours to read through the Bible. This means that if we replace our average daily television watching, which Nielsen reports is 4 hours and 39 minutes, with Bible reading, we could read the entire Bible in less than 3 weeks."
Bethany Jenkins

The Bible is on the brain, especially since I said that Thomas walked on water in a class... that I was teaching. I faked a few people out with that one.  I should have said "one of the twelve" or the "dude".

Then, there's always poetry: Looking, Walking, Being

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

HBJD!

My brother, Patches and Anna's homemade cake
My brother makes me smile.  He always has.  He started out a cute, smiley baby with big, blue eyes and rosy cheeks... so pretty that people always thought he was a girl.  It didn't help that Mom didn't let him have a hair cut for the longest time because she loved his curls.  He was super cute although he cried a lot and was somewhat needy.

With Mom before he subscribed to GQ
Having significantly older sisters probably had its ups and downs.  He's had excellent taste in music from the beginning.  As a three-year-old, he could sing along to "Tainted Love" and Steve Miller Band's "The Joker".  Another time while studying a Pink Floyd CD cover, he asked my sister, "So... which one's Pink?"  He could sing along to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"-- how could I escape loving a preschooler that hilarious?

With the a-holes
Then again, there was the time he had to sit out a large portion of recess at First Wesleyan for calling another kid an asshole.  When his shocked and abhorred evangelical teacher asked him where he learned that word, he ratted us out: "My sisters call each other that all the time."  My mom found the situation amusing.  She told my sister and me something along the lines, "That's what you get for misbehaving."

When he was in elementary and I'd come home from school, I'd take him out to lunch.  By "take him out to lunch", I mean we'd walk to The Golden Palace for some Sweet and Sour Chicken and/or Broccoli Chicken in Brown Sauce with a side of fried rice and an egg roll.  It was pretty much as awesome as it sounds. On one of those outings, we composed a memorable song that went something along the lines, "Hush little puppy, don't you cry. We're gonna freeze than eat you."  There's much giggling in the refrain.  This song chronicled the demise of the other Chinese restaurant in town, which got shut down because-- you guessed it-- the health inspectors found dog meat in the freezer.  The owners swore it was for personal use.

Making friends in Las Vegas
He's always had an appreciation for sarcasm... even before he'd mastered it. One of his earliest forays into sarcasm consisted of him telling the ancient lady we shared a pew with, "You're old." After the service, we all took stabs at explaining that there's a difference among awkward, mean, and funny.  Then, finally, by the grace of God he discovered Frasier.  He found the show hilarious; he still calls me to share the highlights of the recent episode he's watched.

Another aspect of my brother I enjoy is his knowledge of ancient history.  It all began with his reading Fitzgerald's translation of Homer's Iliad in verse when he was a fifth grader.  He can chat Greek and Latin mythology and Greek and Roman Republic and Empire.  I love that my brother can make Scipio jokes and doesn't ask "Do you mean Pubic Wars?" (as several people have corrected me) when Punic Wars arrive on the discussion scene.  Similarly, I love that he owns a library card and reads real books alongside ESPN and GQ and the weird gaming magazines he subscribes.

Although I enjoy his keen wit, I respect his warm heart even more.  We have plenty of stories of when my brother's kindness got him into pickles.  As a little kid he befriended an older mentally delayed kid who would follow him around and not leave him alone.  Finally one day, my brother not knowing how to tactfully detach himself lied when the kid asked him who he was, my little brother answered, "Um, Bobby?"  My little brother's name ain't Bobby.  Why he chose it as his pseudonym I'll never know.

However, when I heard that the immigrant Latinos that work for him through a birthday party in the canteen for his 25th, I teared up.  They gave him four colognes and decorated.  What higher accolade is there?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Oh yeah, back in the saddle

The interview for a part-time teaching gig went swimmingly.  They were pleased that I have all of my teeth, rudimentary understanding of professional attire, ability to speak in complete sentences, and have reasonable mastery over subject-verb agreement.  They were so impressed with my educational background in Classics and History that they asked me if I could teach math.  I responded, "Sure."  But, I added the caveat of up to Algebra-- nothing fancy.  And, they were interested in my teaching ESL.  I feel like I sufficiently described my teaching experiences.  I didn't embellish.  How does one embellish teaching 7th grade at a Title One school?  When it comes down to it: my resume is odd... and getting odder.  But, it fits me.

Seriously, it went brilliantly, and I need to write thank-you notes.

I was the only one reeling from the irony of my 15-minute lesson on Time Management.  When I ran my lesson by the Chief last night, she said that there were perhaps some aspects of the lesson from which I could benefit. Touche, Chief, touche.

****

I've also been working on my lesson and scheduling for the Wednesday night class at my church.  I've been compiling my first hand-out.  So much fun-- it's about common-placing.  So, I'm leading by example.  Here's the blurb I wrote for the bulletin:

Journaling is an active process of connecting versus compartmentalizing: it integrates our thoughts, feelings, actions, prayers, memories, hope, faith, Scripture, news, TV, art.  We're Calvinists; we don't believe things happen by accident.  Journaling is a way to be honest and discover. However, the ability to connect takes effort and practice.  In this class, we'll follow Luci Shaw's Life Path: Personal and Spiritual Growth through Journal Writing.  The class will consist of brief introductions of topics, discussion and practice.

****

I'm getting excited about getting to teach a little.


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

psychopaths and literature, sin and thinking, oh, my

I came across two articles that left me wide awake on http://www.aldaily.com, the website I go to when I fancy a little intellectual engagement.

The Psychopath Makeover has a brilliant start but loses steam after the article goes into the author being analyzed and receiving experiments (speaking of narcissism).  The author follows research that links psychopathy to the decline of reading literature and the empathy and concentration that reading exercises.  This angle is interesting and important but incomplete.  I would like to see a study of the relationship of growing psychopathy and the decline of the Christian faith and the rise of secularism.  I think so much of what the article discusses is actually a demonstration of secularized Christianity: when there is no God, no sin, no Jesus, no Scripture as moral authority, then we're left with psychological disorders and neural science.  The questions determine the boundaries and dimensions of the answers.

"College kids today are about 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts of 20 or 30 years ago," Konrath reports.
"More worrisome still, according to Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, is that, during this same period, students' self-reported narcissism levels have shot through the roof. "Many people see the current group of college students, sometimes called 'Generation Me,' " Konrath continues, "as one of the most self-centered, narcissistic, competitive, confident, and individualistic in recent history."
"Precisely why this downturn in social values has come about is not entirely clear. A complex concatenation of environment, role models, and education is, as usual, under suspicion..."

Why think in terms of God and sin when there are endless solutions that the soft sciences can provide? Last week I had a rather long conversation with a dear friend who explained to me how there evil is a figment of my imagination.  The problems are a calculus involving class structure (not greed), education (not moral but academic). His argument made complete sense to him.  His argument scared me, leaving me speechless.  When I finally collected my emotions and thoughts enough to form a couple of coherent sentences, I told him that I wasn't smart enough to understand him, and that his argument did not fit my experience of reality.  That anyone can say that genocide, that child abuse, that slavery, that greed isn't evil is beyond my imagination.

Some of the people at International Justice Mission were explaining that they begin the gospel message with: "You don't deserve this.  How you are being treated is wrong."  Evil and destruction are wrong not imaginary in my way of thinking.  This is where the gospel begins-- not with Jesus walking around in flip flops teaching love as if it is some emotional high.  The love Jesus preaches is heavy and expensive.  It's not about our self-esteem; it's about how completely incapable we are of saving ourselves.

But, the more I think about it, dismissing evil in the world and our hearts is reasonable in a logical system that doesn't include God. My friend is wonderful and kind and even goes to church.  Our society and culture is at an interesting point.  Rights have usurped the call to charity. Tolerance has replaced discussions of right and wrong.  Tolerance is a cheap, generic version of grace that skirts any really issues and absolves personal responsibility. Video games are replacing books. We don't believe in God.  We gage our lives by what we buy, what we look like and how we keep ourselves entertained.  It's come to a point it's easier to believe in the absence of evil than in the reality of sin.  Sometimes I feel a little crazy when I talk about deep stuff with people.  I wonder if we're talking about the same thing. As Wendell Berry wrote: "To be sane in a mad time/ is bad for the brain, worse/ for the heart."


Literature is not Data made me say, "Yes!" I had another discussion/sparring match with another friend about Scripture.  (I like to bicker with my friends about esoteric stuff. Why not, right?)  He said he was a devout Christian until he read the Oxford Annotated Bible, which killed his God and his faith.  I think the author puts his finger on what leaves me so uneasy about so much of research surrounding Biblical Studies-- and what I failed to articulate in my side of the debate.  He says, "Literature cannot meaningfully be treated as data. The problem is essential rather than superficial: literature is not data. Literature is the opposite of data."

Reductivism makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.  It sucks the beauty, joy, and life out of anything, leaving the colorless, tasteless, pointless leftovers carefully graphed meticulously in black and white.  Literature mirrors life in the important stuff: there's mystery beyond us.  We're never going to understand the in's and out's of everything... and that's not a problem.  It's a glorious fact.  There's more to reality than can be explained in an equation.  There's more to me than my socio-economic background, my chemical makeup, my cultural influences, my impulses.

Both of these articles support my reading habit.  Reading is glorious, but it made me weigh what I read and how I read more.  I'm very democratic in reading material.  But, maybe I need to weight Scripture more highly (or at least more frequently), reading Bible Intake as Discipline yesterday led me to think that this discipline is the key to the right view of reality-- it provides the proper scale and the "invisible" characters and forces at hand.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

"doubt"

To deny the existence of God may... involve less unbelief than the smallest yielding to doubt of His goodness. I say yielding; for a man may be haunted with doubts, and only grow thereby in faith. Doubts are messengers of the Living One to the honest. They are the first knock at our door of things that are not yet, but have to be understood.... Doubt must precede every deeper assurance; for uncertainties are what we first see when we look into a region hitherto unknown, unexplored, unannexed.     -George MacDonald (Unspoken Sermons, Series 2, The Voice of Job)

*******

George MacDonald mentored CS Lewis through his writing.  The great Scot was formative in the Brit's  thought and spiritual life.  They were kindred spirits.

It's so humbling to think these guys are the communion of saints we are called to take part.  What would I do to share a beer with these guys or amble down a dirt road jabbering away.

*******

I shared my faith a week ago with an atheist.  It's been a long time since I've flat-out had a conversation about Jesus with a non Christian.  I'll talk vaguely about my faith but this was more than vague.  My friend honored me and I him as we discussed how we'd wrestled with God and the conclusions we'd earned. It was a beautiful, brutally honest conversation.

He's a keen guy that's lived a hard life.  I have more respect for his atheism than I have for a complacent Christianity.  I felt a lot of freedom in knowing that God can stand up to any scrutiny including his.  The conversation was also a reminder of how we can hide our hurt within the bounds of reason and logic.  It reminded me of John Donne's "Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue" in "Batter My Heart".  

I firmly believe what this friend needs more than anything is Jesus.  

Saturday, October 27, 2012

for the ache

"What to do with bits of string"

We are expert at extraction, making
something out of something else.
A cat's cradle for the kids. A rag rug.
A torn apart loaf for Eucharist or turkey stuffing.
We take traces of a fractured dream
and devise a plot for a new novel.

Old tires make for resilient highways.
I have a friend who rips out worn sweaters
for new scarves. Women in Africa
roll magazine pages into beads,
varnishing them for sale in other worlds,
jewels from junk. I love to rescue river stones
and beach shells for ornaments on
my window sills. They cost nothing.

Try it yourself. See what lovely new thing
you can make from what is common
and discarded. Including your own life.
Call it recycling. Whatever. Call it renewal
and you're getting at the heart of it. 
                                                  -Luci Shaw




Thursday, October 25, 2012

the eight-mile apple and half a lunch

The Prelude

I drove up to Brevard yesterday afternoon to visit a friend.  The drive was perfection: 75 degrees, sunshine, blue sky, bluegrass, windows down, no traffic.  The leaves were peaking: deep red, orange and yellow.  Total bliss!

My friend and his wife have a beautiful property.  A trout pond, modern house, garden, etc.  It was enough to make the hippest hippy reconsider materialism.  We traipsed around the property, fed the trout, saw the waterfall.  They own a waterfall, but not a big waterfall as he was quick to point out.

We sipped beer out of the bottles and thoroughly enjoyed the polarity of our views regarding 98% of the entire universe.  My talking with Richard is whatever the inverse of preaching to the choir is.

I also thoroughly enjoyed his viscous spaghetti sauce and his insanely large portions.  They were even too large for me, which made me feel almost dainty.

The night became even lovelier when his wife arrived home.  She's the ideal of the southern lady-- all the good stereotypes: genteel and gracious.  Soft-spoken.  Slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to anger. Et cetera.   She's so lovely I don't even feel my rough edges.

The Hike

The next morning, after a breakfast of cranberried oatmeal, coffee and freshly squeezed tangerines, Richard and I set out for a hike in Panthertown Valley near Cashiers.  We met up with the hiking group on the edge of a huge parking lot.  Everybody was retired except for me, which was kind of relaxing.

We set out on our five-mile hike.  It was lovely scenery and a total of 17 people-- lots of conversation partners.  Everybody liked talking about my teaching, and I felt a little censure for quitting by some.  Whatever.  But, there was this one guy.  He introduced himself in the parking lot, and I explained I knew Richard because we'd taught together, he asked me what I taught.  I said English and History. When we fell in step on the hike, started talking Japan.  But, we quickly moved to the Punic Wars and Scipio, the greatest Roman general.  I have no idea why, but we became a conversational island as soon as we started talking Roman military strategy.  It boggles the mind really.  Scipio first fought with the short sword in Hispania, and he doubled the centuries.  It's all about the genius of the tweak.  (Okay, it's slightly more involved than that.)  Then we moved on to the Duke of Wellington and Queen Victoria.  It was an amazing conversation.  I won't tease you anymore with more of the awesomeness. I was kind of glad that our guide got lost and turned our hike into 8 miles.

Lunch: I forgot to pack anything: my water bottle, food, etc.  I ended up packing my running clothes because my super-cool hiking pants were missing the left leg.  So, they were no longer super-cool.  So, I was terribly unprepared.  Richard said no matter.  He had his lunch from his Monday hike left over, he'd share it with me.  So, I thought it was a peanut-butter and jelly.  No, no.  It was a peanut butter and banana.  A dark beige, gelatinous banana and natural peanut butter that had separated.  I was so hungry that it didn't even occur to me to pinch off the truly suspect pieces of banana-- say, the translucent gray parts.  It was even tasty.

But, I have to say when the lady offered a bite of her apple in the backseat, I eagerly accepted.  It was a huge bite, but I was really near Transylvania County.  Afterwards, I told Richard that somebody sharing her apple with me really set the bar for sharing-- as did half a lunch on an 8 mile hike.  I mean, maybe sharing your soup with somebody using a single spoon would be the next step.  But, that's kind of amazing.  I didn't know the lady, but she was that friendly.  She was a native North Carolinian.

I highly recommend going on a hike with a bunch of retired people.  It's really interesting and inspiring.  Hiking behind a spry 83 year-old makes getting old not seem so bad. Plus, you might strike up a conversation with someone who's fluent Japanese and well-versed in the Punic Wars.  And, people will share their lunch, their water and their delicious, local, Fuji apple with you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

the bliss of sunshine, thank you's, and puns

Turns out that I'm a simple soul.  Really, truly simple.

Kindergarten math simple.

Just add water simple.

Phonetically-spelled simpul.

I know you're thinking, "Dude, I loved nap time and recess!"

But, there's a down side of my simplicity:

The mean reds.

(In case you didn't go through the obligatory Breakfast at Tiffany's phase, here's the the clip.)

On Saturday, the most dreadful people berated me on the phone..., and I let it get to me.

This ornery octogenarian (who'd apparently misplaced his dentures) told me how utterly useless I am... and slow... and several other things I couldn't make out.  I really wanted to lash out with something biting like "At least I know how to enunciate," and that's when I realized it's fairly easy to tune out somebody you have to strain to understand.

Then this stack of mistakes appeared on my desk.  I'd signed each one of them.  It took a lot of time to fix my mistakes-- mistakes I made because I paid attention in training.  And, the ornery guy and the mistakes of course took away from my call total, which is your gage of self respect.


The upside: grins and giggles

As yucky as my day was, going outside saved me.  I escaped the cubicle and day that kept getting cruddier and cruddier.  There's something magical about fresh air, sunshine, and walking.  Feeling the rays of sun revived me.  It reminded me that there was so much more than those jerks yelling at me and stupid mistakes. Maybe it was the vitamin D, or maybe it was God.  Or, maybe it was a combination.

Then, I got an email from some IT cog in my organization.  She forwarded me an email that some customer had written about me, reporting how awesome I was.  That one thank you unbruised my soul from my complaints.

Some people have a soul mate and/or a meaningful job that changes lives.  I have puns.  Like I said, I'm simple.  I came across: The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.  It was tense.

I giggled when I read it.  I giggled every time it crossed my mind.

Giggling is fun.  It's one of my under rated talents.