contact, contact, contact, contact, contact

Did you ever say a word over and over again until you couldn't say it anymore and it seemed completely weird?  Just a normal word--nothing fancy; say, contact or, even, weird.

Or, have you ever spelled a word correctly, and it doesn't look right?  So, you spell it about three or four different ways to see if any of those look correct.   Say, occasion then ocassion then occassion. And, you end up going with your original spelling even though it still doesn't look quite right. Later, you look the word up in a dictionary, and you were right the entire time.

My sister and I would repeat words into oblivion, then dissolve into giggles.  We'd usually be sitting in one of our back bedrooms on pale green carpet next to our beds somewhere in the little kid activity schedule of eating, sleeping, playing, and growing up to be overly analytical.

Sometimes I catch myself doing that same exercise with my life.  Every once and a while, I'll wake up, start up my routine, and it doesn't seem right.  So, I tweak the schedule.  I'll have a cookie for breakfast instead of oatmeal.  Journal more to figure out what's going on. Or... go into full-on existential crisis mode.  Why am I here?  Does my life serve any real purpose?  Do I do anything worthy of my carbon footprint?  (I actually said that to someone yesterday. Oops.)  And, it turns into this dark, soupy mind loop but minus the giggling.

But, full-on existential crisis mode takes a lot of emotional and psychological energy, which leads to an early bedtime or, if I'm lucky, a nap.  Then, the universal elixir, sleep, set things right.  Oatmeal and routine are okay once again.

feelin' alive

When I was in Japan, I realized what a gift running was.  It made me happy like few things could.  I realized it was kind of a nice thing to be made happy by that.  I realized that this past year I've strayed away from things that have been central to my identity either because they're not possible (an exciting social life) or because I feel I don't deserve them (new clothes).

Loneliness is one of the aspects of unemployment that people leave out.  And, there's a sense of isolation that goes along with it, esp. since I'm in my thirties and single to boot.  Everybody my age is married with kids... or ridiculously fat where I live.

So, I've decided to make a conscious effort to be me.  Does that make sense?

I like people.

1. Although I have no kindred spirits in these parts, I do have some kind, dear friends.  So, I'm contacting them.  I'm going to see Merchant of Venice with one tomorrow night.  I'm meeting another for drinks another night.

2. I have my sweet, old ladies who think I'm incredibly young!  What's not to love?  And, just smiling and saying hi to the other people is uplifting.  It makes me feel useful.  The absence of care for the elderly is one of my major beefs with the church (not just mine but in general).  So, I get to be the change I want to see.

I like to think.

1. I'm really enjoying War and Peace.  There's so much to it.  It's well-written with keen insights on the human condition.  Oddly, literature eliminates loneliness.  I feel recognized.

2. Listening to deeply insightful lectures that provide new ways of framing my life. John's Gospel: Exercises in Spiritual Theology for a PostModern World by James Houston. Houston is wise; his lectures are full of his cleverness and gentleness.  His ideas are extremely energizing, satisfying and comforting.  

I like to run.

I'm training for a marathon... but my hip is hurting so I'm taking a few days off.

These are little parts of my uniqueness that add up to me.  Not one of them is glamorous, but that's okay.

Respectable Sins by Jerry Bridges

"Sin" is such an old-fashioned word in our society.  We now have issues, difficult childhoods, and natural proclivities.  It's hard to say that any behavior is deviant in our culture.  Murder and pedophilia are still universally accepted as wrong, but the list is getting shorter and terms qualified.

Then, within the church, sins are the things Christians would never dream of doing: abortion and homosexuality come to mind.  Now, those are sins!  We believe in the doctrine of niceness: we need to seem nice, good and happy. And, good church-goers don't tolerate those bad sins on which we focus.  However, we leave a lot of room for petty, acceptable sins in our lives.

In his book, Respectable Sins, Jerry Bridges minds the gap between the idea of no sin and blatant sin.  He argues that sin robs Christians of joy and contentment.  He doesn't broach any "major" sins like pornography, lying, stealing, which based on statistics, Christians do on a regular basis.  He delves into subtle, acceptable sins that we take for granted in our lives as personality traits and intrinsic foibles.

Bridges argues that these petty sins we tolerate are an affront to God's holiness. The first third of the book sets the stage for individual sins.  He winsomely portrays holiness and the malignancy of sin in our lives and witness.  Much like George MacDonald, Bridges makes goodness look good.

The list of sins/chapters:
Ungodliness (or what I've heard called practical atheism)
Anxiety and Frustration
Discontentment
Unthankfulness
Pride
Selfishness
Lack of Self Control
Impatience and Irritability
Anger
Weeds of Anger
Judgmentalism
Envy, Jealousy and Related Sins
Sins of the Tongue (gossip, slander, lying, harsh words, sarcasm, insults, ridicule)
Worldliness

I don't know about you, but this list made me cringe. This book is hard to read (not intellectually but spiritually).  It's humbling and worthwhile.  It reminds me of the quotation: "Grace is fundamentally odious" and the freedom the doctrine of sin allows.  We can be cured/freed/released of all these petty things that suck the joy out of life.  "Remember that our progressive sanctification-- that is, our putting off sin and putting on Christlikeness-- rests on two foundation stones: the righteousness of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit" (181).  We're not on our own, and the author is constantly reminding us.

I also found Bridge's phrase dependent responsibility really helpful. "... We are responsible before God to obey His Word, to put to death the sins in our lives.... At the same time, we do not have the ability within ourselves to carry out this responsibility.  We are in fact totally dependent upon the enabling power of the Holy Spirit.  In this sense, we are both responsible and dependent" (41).

He describes the sins and then gives Scripture to help combat the sin (I know it sounds kind of hokey). This is the summary from the chapter: "Directions for Dealing with Sins"
Apply the gospel.
Depend on the Holy Spirit.
Recognize your responsibility.
Identify specific respectable sins.
Memorize and apply appropriate Scriptures.
Involve one or a few other believers with you. (51).

I found the most difficult part of the book to grapple with is God, specifically his sovereignty and goodness.  Intellectually, I think I grasp it.  Psychologically, spiritually and practically, I know I don't.  To believe in a sovereign and good God seems almost laughable when you look around at all the pain and suffering, but that is why we were given the Bible.  And, Bridges returns to Scripture again and again to get a clear vision of God and reality.  To believe in the goodness and power of God alters reality to the point that you live differently: eternity becomes real.

"To be sane in a mad time
is bad for the brain, worse
for the heart. The world
is a holy vision, had we clarity
to see it...." -Wendell Berry

We gain that clarity through Scripture, prayer, and each other.  Bible verses are amply sprinkled throughout the text.  Imagine believing Romans 8:28 with every fiber of your being. Or, "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in your book were written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them" (Psalm 139:16).  This  differs profoundly from the "you can be anything you want to be" slogan I grew up with.  Ultimately, it's not about me or up to me, God's love and purpose are the foundations of life.

As you have noticed, I'm still grappling with it.  It's a deep book with practical applications.

reflection on the interview

As you could tell, I was pretty excited about the interview and thought it went well.  Let's be honest, I also really liked being treated like a desirable professional (being flown down and being put up in a suite) instead of a beggar being done a favor. But, I'm constantly humbled by how many things are out of my control.  I really think it came down that the other person was less expensive and easier to hire: the school would have had to pay a 3-4k finder's fee to the teacher placement service they used to find me, plus the move, and the hassle of getting certified in FL.  My consolation is that I think the middle school principal liked me a lot.  This same kind of thing happened to me last year (except the principal made a verbal offer... then rescinded it-- I could have sued but didn't).  

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a peace about it and renewed confidence.  I get carried away about finding a job... any job, instead of figuring out what precisely I have to offer (and how to market it).  I have a bizarre, niche resume, which actually suits me-- much like my new quirky haircut that I get lots of compliments on.  I just have to find the organizations that have a need for my niche. Last week's interview was a reminder that a market for my professional self exists.  I'm learning that it's just as impossible to undersell myself as to oversell myself.  We're in a really bizarre economy right now where people are uber-specialized yet multi-faceted.  And, I guess I am both those things.  I think I need to get more technologically savvy for whatever I do.

I'm making some last ditch attempts at teaching employment for this upcoming year, and then am back to the drawing board for short term employment.  I'm really leaning towards waiting tables so I have mental energy and imagination left to put into my job search.

Not alone

"We read to know we are not alone," wrote CS Lewis.  This is one of my favorite quotations.  I had a professor who said some of his best friends were books.  A book can offer amazing companionship.  The Catcher in the Rye and Holden Caulfield were my good friends in tenth grade.  I loved the ducks in Central Park question, the baseball glove, discussion of pimples, and the"phonies".  Holden got it.

Tenth grade was also the year I gave up reading horoscopes.  I was reading some teenage-ish magazine's horoscope, and MY horoscope stated that I would meet a cute boy near my locker and that we'd fall in love.  I got really peeved because a) I didn't have a locker and b) there were no boys at my school.  So, I was not going to fall madly in love that month.  Not only that, but it was wrong from its conception: it was using the law of averages (lockers and boys are pretty safe bets for most high schools), and my situation didn't fit.  For some reason, this resonated deeply in my teenage philosophical sensibilities.

So, I've transferred my disdain of horoscopes to daily devotionals.  Seriously, how on target can they be?  And, I can't do daily devotionals for women.  I find them insulting (clearly, I have some deep-seated issues.)

But, the human condition is universal.  JD Salinger nailed teenage angst and ennui.  The horoscopist nailed my desire to fall in love with a cute boy... just didn't realize how high the odds were stacked against me.  And, I think the universality is especially true on a spiritual level.  St. Augustine's description of "the God-shaped hole" in our hearts is the crux of so much pain.

Anyway, that was a really long introduction to the fact that I've been reading two daily devotionals recently.  One is "Streams in the Desert Volume 1" that I bought for $2.00 and smells like it's older than I am but in a bookish way.  And the other one is cheesy, but I'm enjoying it: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  It's written in Jesus's voice-- it's as if he's talking to you.  It's super cheesy and a great reminder of his realness.  And, it's really short.

Streams in the Desert was first copyrighted in 1925, so it can be a little stilted at times.  (But, if you read this blog, you'll do just fine with it.)  But, July 31st entry was perfect for my July 31, 2012:

"He guided them by the skillfulness of his hands." (Psa. 78:72)

When you are doubtful as to your course, submit your judgment absolutely to the Spirit of God, and ask Him to shut against you every door but the right one... Meanwhile keep on as you are and consider the absence of indication to be the indication of God's will that you are on His track... As you go down the long corridor, you will find that He has preceded you, and locked many doors which you would fain have entered; but beyond these there is one which He has left unlocked. Open it and enter, and you will find yourself face to face with a bend of the river of opportunity, broader and deeper than anything you had dared to imagine in your sunniest dreams.  Launch forth upon it; it conducts to the open sea.

God guides us, often by circumstances.  At one moment the way may seem utterly blocked; and then shortly afterward some trivial incident occurs, which might not seem much to others, but which to the keen eye of faith speaks volumes. Sometimes these are repeated in various ways, in answer to prayer. They are not haphazard results of chance, but the opening up of circumstances in the direction we would walk. And they begin to multiply as we advance toward our goal, just as the lights do as we near a populous town, when darting through the land by night express. -F.B. Meyer 

I really needed these words and the pictures they paint yesterday (and today) and don't think it was haphazard results of chance that I came across them.  Right now, it does feel like I'm walking down a long corridor with a lot of locked doors.  But, it helps to think of God as a parent locking doors/ putting up safety walls to prevent my doing something really stupid.

And, although it feels futile to keep applying to jobs, and writing letters trying to figure out licensure.  I'm always finding the balance between faith and action.  It's as my grandpa used to say, "The harder I work, the luckier I get."  I need to keep going down the corridor trying doors, knowing that I'm not alone.

so tired...

I'm drinking a 8.50 glass of really crappy CabSav and am finished with the 1.5 days of interviewing.  I don't feel overly interviewed (but utterly exhausted) after all of it because they talked more than I did for the most part (I'm not sure if that's good or bad).  I feel like I met some interesting people.  I don't know if that's a good or bad sign.  I felt a lot better about the position up until I was getting into the cab, and the guy told me that I was one of three candidates, and that I would hear from him Friday or Monday.  He told me that he wanted to leave no stone unturned.  That comment just inserted a storm cloud into my blue skies.

I thought it went well.  But, now I'm wondering if it did, in fact, go well.  I guess this is where faith kicks in.  Persistence enters stage left. I think I'd enjoy the school and would be a good fit.  It was far more laid-back than the last school at which I interviewed last.  It was unpretentious.  The school motto is even (gasp) in English... not translated Latin.  Classes are short, which is a good thing in my book.  One teacher I spoke with said, "I like this school because I'm treated like I'm a professional, who I am."

I'm concerned because I'm probably one of the more expensive candidates. The guy spoke about how much using the teacher placement service cost: 3-4k if they hire me.  They'd probably also offer me housing (at no cost to me).  On the other hand, a local wouldn't have any of those additional costs.  Schools have budgets too; even very chihuahua ones.

Then again, there were some positives.  They flew me in.  I was a rower, and rowing coaches are hard to find.  I've taught Language Arts, and there's a strong emphasis on writing in this course.  They finger printed me for a background check.  I have the same alma mater as the guy who interviewed me.  People seemed to like me, but it's harder to tell with well-mannered people.

Regardless, come Monday, I exit this psychological limbo of possibility.  I pray that I'm strong enough for both outcomes.  Supporting two possible futures is sometimes overwhelming.

practice makes perfect

I decided to do my homework and find some interview questions.  I found some really good questions out there on the internets.  Ones that regard my philosophy of education, how I evaluate mastery, what the necessary elements are in designing a lesson.

It made me remember all the things I love about teaching and "middle level" students.  Middle school is more hands-on teaching, which is so much more fun and interesting than discussing facts.  Maybe we'll build a plan of a city, or design an outfit that a person would wear in the middle ages.  We'll get to connect current events with the motifs that we're studying.  After all, the human condition is universal.  Of course I lecture, but I get to use Socratic method and secondary methods (creating a group project that the students can extract the information and ideas from together for themselves).  There's such a high from hearing your students having an interesting conversation about the material, esp. relating it to themselves.

I caught myself looking at apartments and condos and getting nervous.  So, I put my nervous energy into thinking about the job.  It's also helping me develop questions I have about the position and a litmus for deciding if it's a good fit.  Mostly, the exercise got me excited and positive.  I really enjoy talking and thinking about how pedagogy of history needs to adapt to the digital environment.

weird that it isn't wierd

"I" before "e" except after "c".

"Weird": where form and function meet.

Can you tell that I just noticed that about the word?  I probably was all over the factoid when I was in third grade, then, gratefully, I moved on to other things.  But, all things, including style and ideas, are cyclical.

Yesterday was one weird day.

The weather was a moist, monochrome grey that crescendoed into this glorious, horrific thunderstorm that lasted an hour.  The thunder could have inspired Beethoven when deaf.  I just lay on the sofa and pulled down the blinds and enjoyed.

Then I drove to the big city, and it hadn't even rained.  That's the kind of detail that tests your sanity.  I was talking about the weather, because I'm polite and weird like that. Nobody knew about the thunderstorm; I might as well been talking about "the voices".

Before the thunderstorm, I visited some ladies at a nursing home.  It was not what I was expecting.  I was hoping that I'd be a ray of sunshine for these little ladies.  I didn't rely on my looks and charm alone: I brought them candy.  It ended up that I crashed two parties; they already had visitors.  I stayed over an hour with the first lady and her visitor.  They'd been missionaries in Haiti together.  They were fascinating women... and beautiful in the true, real sense.

My interaction with these women created or uncovered some form of discomfort.  It wasn't that I felt judged; they were gentle, kind, and keen women.  Maybe, it was because they were so solid, completely lacking in pretense and guile.  It made me think of the grass in Lewis' The Great Divorce.  This grass cut the visitors' feet who were ghost-like.  It's the weight of holiness.  Being in their presence reminded me of being around my favorite prof in Vancouver.  There's a qualitative difference in spending time with these people.  They're tuned into eternity.  I felt completely seen and heard in their presence.  The "completely" part is the terrifying part.  I'm sure they could sense my anxiety and shame, which is my lack of trust in Jesus.

After the thunderstorm, I had more conversations about identity.  I called one of my friends and midway through the conversation, she said, "I've been crying."  Come to find out, she'd gotten a spray-on tan that was much darker than she'd expected, which caused this identity crisis.  She felt this was a manifestation of trying to be somebody other than God created her to be.  And, I had another conversation about addiction in Christians.

It was a weird, heavy, wonderful day that I'll be carrying around for a while.  I feel like yesterday, Friday the 13th, was a lesson that I'm not quite ready for.  But, maybe I'll understand it somewhere down the road.  It was the kind of day that could turn you into a Calvinist.  It was the kind of day that reminds me of the meaning and shape of life. It was the kind of day that God was really there.

Weird: maybe my life is where form and function meet in my own journey.  Maybe similar to the English language, the exceptions prove the rule.  Expectations, like phonics, have a 70% success rate; the other 30% is where the magic, mystery and miracles exist.

when is "too late"?

In the past three days, I've gotten two responses to emails in mid-June.  I'd forgotten that I'd sent the emails.  I had to read the email I sent one friend to figure out why he was emailing me.  That said, all was not in vain. I enjoyed reading my email; it was quite witty.  I have no idea what took him so long to respond... maybe he was intimidated.  I just responded my question had been rendered moot by time.

This highlights my sense of time-- it's off kilter.  Partly due to this, I am feeling a deep ambivalence towards making plans... and life in general.  I realize at this juncture that I have waaaaaaaaaay too much time on my hands to analyze and worry, and most people don't have the luxury.  I've always been prone to over analysis and now can fully indulge it.

Time is a luxury.  The problem is that I'm to anxious, stressed and worried to use it well.  And it affects my sleep patterns: it's a vicious pattern. I'm sure everybody had experienced it. There are days I can't read because I can't concentrate.  My sense of reality has morphed into fun-house mirrors.  Major problems get dwarfed by little problems, and it's hard to find a way out of the mental maze.  Prayer and people seem to normalize the patterns and eliminate some of the anxiety.

I picked up Streams in the Desert at the ReStore yesterday.  Yesterday's devotional was on waiting patiently.  I read it in the store, and it made me mad.  So many people have implied that I'm not trying hard enough or have done something wrong to be unemployed, that I should have felt relief.  What does waiting look like?  What's my responsibility in it?  All the tension between faith and action-- I must be looking at something incorrectly.  All this said, I bought the book for $2.

I'm a little black rain cloud, of course

I’m just a little black rain cloud
hovering under the honey tree,
Only a little black rain cloud,
pay no attention to little me.

Everyone knows that a rain cloud
never eats honey, no, not a nip.
I’m just floating around over the ground,
wondering where I will drip.

–Winnie the Pooh

My little brother loved this skit growing up, and, therefore, he, my sister, and I can sing it.
I'm a little black rain cloud, of course youtube (worth all 2 minutes and 19 seconds!). And, I've been quite the little black rain cloud the past couple of days.

I accepted a job today!!!!

All 4 or 5 days of it. I'll be F-I-L-I-N-G. The company wanted someone who can alphabetize (so, it should actually be fgiiln) and has good hand-writing. And, yea, I know what you're thinking, the wages are commiserate with the job: they suck. But, it's a job. And, it may lead to other jobs... and, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Hmm.

But I ordered my business cards and it said 14 days until delivery, so I can manage this GLAM (or should I say "aglm") gig in the meantime... before I start hawking my wares. And, I'll feel slightly less indigent.

This afternoon, my little brother said, "I didn't go to college to sweep." I can identify with his angst. I had a similar experience at a florist shop my first year out of college; I started bawling and quit my job within an hour of doing a spectacular job of sweeping. My brother is more even-headed than I: he vented to me.

So, this is to say, I know I can handle 4-5 days of filing. I need to frame it as an adventure. I have to get a criminal background test AND a drug screening in order to get the official offer. We're talking S-E-R-I-O-U-S (eiorssu). (The drug-screening made me nervous-- am I going to need to be high to get through this?) It's in the accounting department-- when else will I get to do espionage in this setting?

I was a dreary black rain cloud talking on the phone with the poor girl trying to land me the job. I said, "FILING?" pause then sigh, "I could probably do that for four days." "It really pays THAT?" To be honest, I need to jot down the fact she didn't hang up on me in my desperately needed but yet to be started Gratitude Journal. I should probably start with a "gratitude index card", I'm a bit of a novice... it'd be less intimidating.

I'm back to praying Psalm 51, I blogged about it here. Last night, I realized I had used up all my emotional reserves and am completely bankrupt when it comes to hope. And, that's okay according to the psalmist... provided I don't commit suicide (maybe even if I do). Steadfast and willing spirits are apparently the work of God. I'll stick to filing and Pooh to collecting honey (ehnoy-- looks like pig latin).

wisdom yoda has

*

Emotional mixed showers today was. Rain drizzled when my sister responded to me in a text: "You ca n't embarrass me" to a request I had made. I'd have been fine with a "no", but "embarrass" seemed a strong and unnecessary word choice. My brother told me that I'm being overly sensitive, and no doubt that's an aspect of it. I found this article "On Taking It Personally" about an hour later and applied it to my situation. Ergo, clearly, I'm a writer (thanks, Poor Logic). Rain cleared.

I met a teaching buddy for dinner tonight. It was good to chat (there are three teachers I really miss). And chat we did: religion, politics, and money because neither of us is couth. Of course, I got around to my "business plan", which everybody gets to eventually hear about if they get into a conversation with me. I told him the name, the idea, the niche. I don't think he was overly impressed; he seemed to think it was good stop gap, which wasn't what I wanted to hear. But, that's why I like him. Finally he gave me his advice in the form of a Yoda quotation: "Do or do not... there is not try."






* http://www.maniacworld.com/dog-yoda-halloween-costume.html

muchness report

*
The Mad Hatter: [to Alice] "You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." This quotation and the connected theme made the new Alice movie far more interesting, and Johnny Depp made it more sinister. I digress.

But, "muchness" is a very real attribute. I think this new business adventure is reinvigorating my muchness. I'm excited and energized. I'm researching, writing, planning, analyzing... all stuff I LOVE to do! And, it may pay off! I want to become a Slasher: tutor/personaltrainer/writer/entrepreneur/consultant. Boom.

I spoke with a good friend last night. He told me that I sounded the best that I have in a long while. He also said that there were no guarantees of success, but that didn't mean the idea isn't worth pursuing. He pointed out that I'd learn and grow and that I couldn't get more broke. And at worship, our pastor prayed that God would take away our fear and shame, and I realized that I need to pray for that every day-- to pray for my muchness.

I found some cheesy quotations that are deeply flawed, but I like them nonetheless. I'm tired of being risk adverse, and it's not helping me any. I think I'm trying to live a life that isn't mine. Maybe I can't get a job as a nanny or secretary or grocery store clerk because I'm supposed to be wrestling my way into entrepreneurship-- where nothing's safe or guaranteed and I'll always be very aware of that. I'll have to pray and trust God. Yikes.

Muchness is scary! It's overwhelming to feel the possible impact you can have as a human. Imago Dei: to feel the weight, grandeur, and humility of our humanness. It would fill me with ineffable gratitude, and I'd, consequently, be annoyingly positive. And, I am excited. It is an adventure that I can take. I don't have little kids or a mortgage. I don't have a job I could lose. I'm very free and have very little to lose. I don't even own a bed.

Therefore, friends, go be muchier--free of fear and shame!


Cheesy Quotations to Rouse One to Adventure NOW:

The future you see is the future you get. ~Robert G Allen

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass. ~Maya Angelou

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing – that's why we recommend it daily. ~Zig Ziglar

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~Maya Angelou

Life is short, live bold! Be heard, be you, dream big, take risks, don’t wait! ~Misty Gibbs


*http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014759/

Adios 2011!!!!

If I were to summarize 2011 in a word, I'd choose from the thesaurus entry for "difficult". Something along the lines of arduous, treacherous, tough, relentless. There were glimmers of beauty among the rubble... and lots of unpackaged lessons lying around to be learned when my heart and soul were ready. I'm probably a littler rougher, tougher and more gentle for the wear.

Deciding to quit my job felt like a reasonable proposition-- I had nine interviews lined up. One out of nine seemed like legitimate odds. Oh, I learned: don't count your chickens before they hatch. I'm learning that confidence and hope have to lie outside of circumstances. I've always wondered what Paul meant to have his identity in Jesus alone and now I'm beginning to understand. It's not that circumstances aren't real, it's that they're transitory and ephemeral. The good and the bad are fleeting as the teacher in Ecclesiastes frames all of human life in terms of vapor.

Also along the lines of Ecclesiastes, enjoyment and fun are gifts. I feel like a spoiled-rotten little kid pouting at my birthday present because of the one gift I didn't receive who has completely lost sight of the twenty unwrapped ones that surround me. Employment is kind of a big deal when you don't have a trust fund, but it isn't everything. My uncle really brought this home to me when he exhorted me to run more. He reminded me that although it doesn't pay the bills, it's something a lot of people can't do. In Ecclesiastes, the teacher says that a rich man can only enjoy his riches if God lets him. How many miserable well off people are there? I think about the statistics regarding anti-depressants in North America. I really believe we've been especially conditioned in our materialistic culture to be unsatisfied and malcontent. What would happen to our economy if we were more concerned with loving people instead of impressing them? I'm learning how to care less about what people think about me and try to love and see them on their own terms.

"What is life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare." WH Davies

I have been living far below the poverty level for a couple of months now. Needless to say, I've made it because of family and friends. The friend I live with charges a very reasonable rent and letting me pay as I can. Friends and family either invite me to dinner or some half price fare that I can afford. And, I'm learning how little I really need. I used to try to buy something new when I went out on a date (especially a first date) but not now. I can't. And, I'm realizing the success of the date has little to do with my outfit... it has more to do with my hair and makeup (just kidding). Not spending time shopping and wanting stuff frees up a lot of time and energy... so I can run... and think deep (?) thoughts.

Anyway, I'm reading three books right now and I need to finish two of them by tomorrow. Adios.

good news!!!

I received two rejections by noon today. That's nice. Plus, it's a monsoon outside. The sound of the rain woke me up this morning. Yet, a good day because of the really fun first date last night. I'm choosing to think about the positive. Mand, we went to an art museum-- it was so much fun and very funny. I'd been, but he hadn't. He made me notice things that I hadn't before. Then, we drank wine and ate tapas, which sounds really pretentious but was actually a lot of fun.

Lessons I'm learning.
1. Focus on the positive. My uncle reminded me how lucky I am to be in good shape-- to not take my health for granted. And, he's right. Joining the gym has been really good for me. I can have challenges outside of finding a job. And, allowing myself to enjoy last night despite my career being nonexistent; not being defined by circumstance. Life is still good, or, I should say: God is good despite this rather glaring circumstance.

It reminded me of the realization I had in Japan: running is a really cool gift God gave me. Running (and walking) was a total consolation when in Japan; it was an escape. It still is. Plus, it helps me sleep and keeps me sane and fit. I always wanted something flashy-- like singing. But, no. God knows best.

I read this earlier today, and it fits: “In difficult times, you should always carry something beautiful in your mind.”--Blaise Pascal. Then Luci Shaw commented, "Grace in any mode is a form of beauty--undeserved but freely bestowed and available."

2. Patience. All of life is waiting. Last night looking at the art, I experienced again the simple act of waiting. There's something to be said for a little puzzling and interaction with something new. It takes time and reorientation to understand something in its own terms. What was the artist trying to do? I'm learning to presume there's a bigger context than the one I initially considered. The same is true for people and situations. It takes time to figure out what's going on and what God's doing (not that I'll ever figure that out!).

Here's an example: My phone hasn't been working since Saturday. I went to the store to find out how to fix it. The sales people said it was beyond being fixed and the warranty had expired. They told me that I'd have to buy a new phone. I responded that this probably wasn't the best time to hawk me a phone since mine had just broken. In my twenties, I would have just said, "Screw it", thrown the phone away and be without a phone. However, I'm slowly maturing and emailed a former student with my problem. He told me to take out the battery and submerge it in rice for at least twelve hours. I did it for about 24 hours, and, by jove, it works! I wrote back to thank the student. I feel I was being rewarded for being patient.

Activity

I've been a busy bee.

Morale has been low. Yesterday was extremely rough, so I decided I had to take some form of action. I joined a gym yesterday; I found one with a sliding scale that I could afford right now. The people were kind and helpful. And I met with a Personal Trainer today to go over a weight lifting program. My trainer was impressed that I gravitated towards the free weights... and I had good form. And, I filled out the sheet of exercises so she could talk and demonstrate. She said she had a really good time. I was reminded of a lot and started cobbling out a possible routine. Then I swam for 35 minutes, which I'm really feeling now. I earned the steam room but didn't have time for the sauna. I totally sketched out this woman in the steam room by coughing. I wanted to tell her I wasn't contagious, but I figured that would only make things worse. She got up and left. So, I think working out will help out my crazy mood swings. The running I did last week reminded me how much better life is when your active. Walking the dog isn't enough even if it's over 2 miles a pop. And, I think I found a trail race I want to run on January 21st: I need to decide 4, 9, or 13 miles.

I went by the church office and got things set up for the class I'm teaching on Saturday. I'm glad I went early because I need an adaptor for my Mac. But, I'm really excited about the speakers. There's a sub wolfer. The sound sounds great! I'm getting excited. It's going to be a small class, but I'm kind of excited about that. We'll fit around a table.

I went to the Army and Air Force recruiters to chat possibilities. I'm too old for OCS in the Army. As of April, you have to be no older than 29. And, the regulations on being a Chaplain are insane-- no wonder they have a hard time recruiting. On one level it's a good thing, we need excellent chaplains. On the other, seriously? Someone's going to put that much effort into being shot at when she has to be without a weapon?

And, I've researched, been to an office and made several phone calls regarding my appeal. I think I'll write it tomorrow. I need to send it by Friday.

Action is very therapeutic. I feel less a victim when there's something to do. It makes waiting feel more fruitful.

thanksgiving

"your burdens are light, but your blessings are heavy... almost too weighty to bear." Ordinary Time

One of my favorite traditions at the high school I went was the Thanksgiving assembly. It usually lasted about an hour and a half, which would usually be a bad thing. But, all the girls could get up to the announcement microphone and list the things for which they were grateful. The litany ranged from the prosaic to the profound: gummy bears and four leaf clovers to recoveries from cancer and peace treaties.

This time of year when the days grow short and the night long, the weather cold and gray... one can palpably feel the dichotomy of mirth and misery that is humanity's lot. On the one hand, the weather is dreary, but on the other, how much more enjoyable is a mug of coffee or a cup of soup. And, it feels so delightful to walk into a toasty room after being out in the cold.

One has a decision to focus on the dreary weather or the bright warmth of the fireplace. It's an excellent and much-needed reminder of choice in interpretation of the data of one's life. I'm enjoying St. Paul's writings a lot more because he wrote a lot of them from prison, and I'm finding consolation in this. He wrote: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about such things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me-- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:4-9).

This was written by a guy who was unjustly imprisoned and beaten. Paul had a lot of reasons to be bitter, but he wasn't. He wasn't even self-absorbed in all his suffering. He was still focused on his churches. As I look at the list of whatever is true..., it's a long list. I now realize that sometimes you have to look long and hard to discover the redeemable aspect of the situation. Paul's instructions imply a really tough life: the "always", the "everything", "whatever" and "anything" don't leave room for a comfy, safe life. He says our hearts and minds need to be guarded by something supernatural-- that's really intense. And, it also seems we learn the Christian life by imitating and learning from those on the path before us... living and dead.

I heard a sermon on the radio last night by a Baptist minister who was taking the rejoice always verse above and Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those called according to his purpose." He said that Christians kind of use them as proof of how good life is-- along the lines of prosperity gospel. But, he said if you step back and think about what Paul is saying is that God is sovereign and has the power to work good in any circumstance no matter how horrible and dire it is, which is incredibly different than saying God promises believers a good, easy life. Man, look what he did to his own son. But, I also was aware of the kaleidoscope of timing involved in me hearing this sermon so apropos to my situation.

So, although I can't honestly say I'm grateful for being unemployed in a crappy economy, I am grateful for persistent friends who put up with me, for figuring out flaws and illusions in my world view, and the compassion and warmth of a broken heart. I'm learning how little stuff I need. I wouldn't have believed you. My identity is under fire, and that's not all bad, in fact, it's much needed. I have a wonderful family and set of friends who I do not deserve. I can run and walk. I can cook while drinking wine. I have a beautiful dog to pet. Some gorgeous memories to luxuriate in. Friends who have confidence in me despite evidence to the contrary. An excellent spicy pumpkin soup recipe. And, a heart and soul that's being transformed. (Hopefully) I'm becoming more like Charis, Bill, Mandy, Grace, Alvin, Jerry, Mom, etc. and ultimately Jesus.

crest!

"Autumn Rain" by Cynthia Herron on the Freed Gallery

So, today was a fantastic day for me! 1) A business called me this morning to set up an interview (Monday at 7:15). 2) Then, a manager from a tutoring business interviewed me by phone, and I got the job. 3) And, then after that news, I got an email from a school I applied to over a month ago to fill out a survey for the headmistress. THIS is the job I really want. It's a secretary, but it's good hours at a good school and would be good for also tutoring and teaching adjunct. 4) As if that wasn't enough, I went to the thrift shop and found a gorgeous coral sweater set for $6 and an old charcoal gray wool skirt (old= really good material, excellent construction and classic style) $7. 5) Had a fantastic time celebrating my brother's 24th birthday with him and my mom. It's a low key kind of a birthday, and he was okay with that. Both their pastors came by, and all three of us were drinking. (This is kind of bad in the South, the younger pastor actually said something (haha).)

But, my excellent day was the ying to my sister's yang day. The bottom fell out for her. But, she was a good sport and said that the ying went to me instead of some total stranger. We like to keep the highs and lows in the family.

My sister's heart break and my hopefulness are a microcosm of the world and reminded me of this Advent quotations:

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5

"I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny." Kathleen Norris

I would say it confronts with the gloriousness and wretchedness of our humanness and ultimately our helplessness. And, it reframes it in the context of God's forever loving kindness. His withness. His compassion for us. We who can't help ourselves our made complete by the Creator of the universe.

I'm listening to a steady downpour of rain. It's lovely and relaxing. It's also a metaphor of God's blessing in the OT and in Charlotte, NC.

on marriage

from Amazon


Tim and Kathy Keller have just released a book on marriage titled The Meaning of Marriage, based on a popular sermon series he did. I love reading about marriage, but I haven't read it yet. My favorite book on marriage is by a Regent grad called The Mystery of Marriage. So, maybe this will rank up there. We will see.

However, I did watch the The Meaning of Marriage live discussion tonight. It was thought provoking.

What I like about these books (presuming the discussion is related to the book) is that they're primarily about your relationship with God and present marriage as a catalyst in becoming holy. God will sanctify his people anyway he pleases. I'm not sure evangelicals have really bought into this. Bethany was a moderator, and she talked about how to apply the ideas to her life as a single. She said it was easy: loving the stranger and confronting your selfishness (plenty of opportunity for that as a single), embracing femininity (or masculinity as the case may be) doesn't require marriage, loving and forgiving someone who's hurt you-- single people have friends and family for that too.

So, oddly, reading about marriage makes me more content about being single. It fights all my urges to settle for a nice guy-- there's a lot on the line. And, last month a friend's husband contacted me to buy me a flight to her birthday party in Austin, TX so I can come for the weekend. If I were to get married, I want a husband who not only remembers my birthday but knows my random friends and contacts them on my behalf (he hasn't even met me in person). Tim Keller kept on talking about your spouse as your best friend and counsellor. That you fall in love with the person God is making him into and vice versa. Books like these raise the bar.

ignorance

I have no idea went on the world today: how South Sudan is doing, how Wall Street is crumbling, who's running in the different primaries. It's nice and scary. Needing a job does give me more overall focus, but I'm taking it a little far. And, I cancelled my subscriptions that kept me smart: Atlantic, Economist, Nat Geo, Runner's World because it was an easy way to save money. Now, I'm reading books. I read some smarmy 19th century short stories (Colette and Somerset Maugham), a cookbook and commentaries on the Psalms and Ecclesiastes. My roommate has decided to resubscribe to the newspaper; this is good.

all does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king

We sang this in high school, then I read it in Lord of the Rings in college. My brother and I made numerous hobbit references on our hike Wednesday such as "I don't think we're going to have elevensies," which led me to think about this poem that is a poignant reminder of hope and the deeper reality. I get mesmerized by glitter of what I feel I should be and am not, and I have definitely mastered the art of wandering. But, all is not lost... ever. Whether in my job search or with Mandy's mom or in friendship or in unfulfilling work.

I had some reminders this week: yesterday and tonight as I unpacked my books from Vancouver, I had a heavy reminder of my passion in boxes. I have all these books on Christian spirituality, writing and poetry. I lose my moorings every now and then, including this week. But, these books reminded me that I do know some stuff. I've read hundreds of books on some subjects-- not that that makes me an expert, but it is something to offer.

Last Alpha, a student I taught my first year of teaching appeared outside the conference room serendipitously when I was playing around the book table. He recognized me. It was so cool. He stayed, ate, listened to the lecture and stayed for the discussion. It was really cool. That year was so miserable, but he was definitely a highlight. He won my Social Studies award. So, it felt like a consolation from God to tell me all was not lost those three years teaching in Nowhere, NC.

On Thursday, a church lady said, "Why is it that I always laugh when I'm near you?" I told her that I hoped it wasn't my sense of style. But, that comment was so encouraging. I do have that affect on some people (and vice versa), maybe there's a future for me in edutainment after all. It was also a good reminder to focus my attention on people that enjoy me instead of trying to vie for attention from uninterested people.

Then after I lamented about having no friends in town, I ran into a girl from my Sermon on the Mount Bible study at a party. I told her about all the stuff that was weighing me down, and she gladly listened. We're even getting together for wine later in the week.

It was a rough week largely due to no leads and the waiting. But, I started a whole new business venture. I need to learn how to remember whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, instead of the people who didn't answer my emails or calls. I should think about the kind words, the gorgeous weather, the exciting new adventures, the time spent with friends and family. But, I've been wallowing in the rejection I've experienced. There was plenty of gold in my week despite the dross.

This post is quite similar to this one I wrote almost three years ago: tangential meditation. I remembered it because somebody got to the page via googling "transgenital meditation". That made me laugh. And, my post made me realize that I'm in the same struggle I always am.