Watch for the Light

I can't wait for Advent!*  December 2nd: the count-down is on.  I taught a class on Advent last year, which served as a great excuse to sprinkle my blog with advent poems and such.  No doubt there will be some of that this year. 

For a lot of history, the church has treated Advent in the same manner they treated Lent; there was more longing and penitence and less  shopping and decorating.  We miss so much skipping over Advent: a punch line needs a joke.  We don't do waiting in our culture-- we're far too important and busy.

I've been on a quest for a good Advent devotional book, a guide: Watch for the Light.  In this context, "good" means intelligent not sentimental, insightful not cliche, what I need to hear not what I want to hear.

I think I may have found it... after reading November 24th's reading, Blumhardt's "Action in Waiting":

".... We live in a mass of wrongs and untruths, and they surround us as a dark, dark night. Not even in the most flagrant things do we manage to break through....

"Anyone whose attention is fixed on the coming reign of God and who wants to see a change brought about in God's house will become more and more aware that there exists a universal wrongness that is pulled over us like a choking, suffocating blanket." (5-6)

"We must speak in practical terms.  Either Christ's coming has meaning for us now, or else it means nothing at all." (10)

"The all-important thing is to keep your eyes on what comes from God and to make way for it to come into being here on earth. If you always try to be heavenly and spiritually minded, you won't understand the everyday work God has for you to do...." (12)

Humble thyself.  "Because a transformation of this scale can never be achieved by human means, but only by divine intervention, Advent (to quote Bonhoeffer again) might be compared to a prison cell 'in which one waits and hope and does various unessential things... but is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside.' It is a fitting metaphor. But dependency does not release us from responsibility. If the essence of Advent is expectancy, it is also readiness for action: watchfulness for every opening, and willingness to risk everything for freedom and a new beginning." (xvi)

I like how the writers lean into the tension of watching and willingness.  In fact, I need it.

I'll close with the poem the book opens:

Lo, in the silent night

A child to God is born

And all is brought again

That ere was lost or lorn.

Could but thy soul, O man,

Become a silent night!

God would be born in thee

And set all things aright!

                              15th Century

*Haha, a little Advent humor.

Ecclesiastes #9

My day was a downer, and I was dreading bible study. Women and talking. But, it was really helpful. We laughed a lot, which was much needed.

I've started Tolstoy's War and Peace (p. 60 of 1150-- getting it done). Maybe I'll remember this year as the Tolstoy year instead of the year of my employment discontent.

Also, my advent class is set. You're welcome to come!!
An Introduction to Advent. On Saturday, December 3, 2011, Pinkling will be conducting an interactive seminar on the season of Advent from 9:00-11:30 at the church office. We’ll be looking at the advents of Christ through the lens of tradition, the characters of the nativity, the Psalms of Ascent, and the O Antiphons. It’ll be an exploration of Advent through means of Scripture, poetry, music and art. Come, learn more, and celebrate this wonderful season in the church calendar! Participants receive a free Advent devotional book.

Don't you like how we're bribing them? Nice. I'm that compelling of a teacher.

weirdness and waiting

(spoiler alert: 2+2 remains 2+2; there is no resolution. But, if you're a regular, you're used to it.)

funeral
+job application
+cousin having baby (it's a girl)
+gut-wrenching conversation with a friend with a broken heart
+studying Advent (2 very different wreaths: 1) hope, faith, joy, & love 2) patriarchs, prophets, John the Baptist, Mary)
+Mexican for lunch
+car inspection and tag renewal
=Today

Life is all about weird juxtaposition. The profound and profane all crowded and jostled in the same subway car. Death, birth, bureaucracy, grace, red tape, enlightenment, boredom, laughter, disappointment.

Thought of the day: I've been role-playing through the Advent Cast: Mary, Joseph, John the Baptist, Wise Men, shepherds, etc., trying to unlock the spiritual/practical application of the historical story. (I can't help myself. I spent several semesters studying Lectio Divina.) Mary is self-explanatory-- Jesus lives and grows inside us in a nutshell. I was wrestling with Joseph-- he clearly demonstrates obedience and servanthood. But, upon my conversation with my friend, I think I may see Joseph as the role of the broken-hearted and shattered/unfulfilled-dreamers. Imagine what he must to have gone through if he loved Mary; he arrives at treating Mary with some dignity on his own. However, God doesn't let him off the hook. He's called to go into this continent of self-denial and faith that's far beyond normal expectation. It's like a precursor of the Sermon on the Mount mixed with Job post apocalypse where he gets double the children.

To sum up the rest of this incoherent post I'll quote my mom's response to my blathering on about Advent: "Studying is fun, isn't it?" You may read on if you wish.

There are the three comings Advent celebrates/acknowledges:

1. his arrival into history/incarnation
2. his return/second coming
3. intermediate entrance into our lives

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. -Romans 8:22-5 (Message)

I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny. Kathleen Norris

Happy New Year! Happy Advent!

O Sapientia

I cannot think unless I have been thought,
Nor can I speak unless I have been spoken.
I cannot teach except as I am taught,
Or break the bread except as I am broken.
O Mind behind the mind through which I seek,
O Light within the light by which I see,
O Word beneath the words with which I speak,
O founding, unfound Wisdom, finding me,
O sounding Song whose depth is sounding me,
O Memory of time, reminding me,
My Ground of Being, always grounding me,
My Maker’s Bounding Line, defining me,
Come, hidden Wisdom, come with all you bring,
Come to me now, disguised as everything.

by Malcolm GuiteOh Come, Oh Come. Some Advent reflections

crest!

"Autumn Rain" by Cynthia Herron on the Freed Gallery

So, today was a fantastic day for me! 1) A business called me this morning to set up an interview (Monday at 7:15). 2) Then, a manager from a tutoring business interviewed me by phone, and I got the job. 3) And, then after that news, I got an email from a school I applied to over a month ago to fill out a survey for the headmistress. THIS is the job I really want. It's a secretary, but it's good hours at a good school and would be good for also tutoring and teaching adjunct. 4) As if that wasn't enough, I went to the thrift shop and found a gorgeous coral sweater set for $6 and an old charcoal gray wool skirt (old= really good material, excellent construction and classic style) $7. 5) Had a fantastic time celebrating my brother's 24th birthday with him and my mom. It's a low key kind of a birthday, and he was okay with that. Both their pastors came by, and all three of us were drinking. (This is kind of bad in the South, the younger pastor actually said something (haha).)

But, my excellent day was the ying to my sister's yang day. The bottom fell out for her. But, she was a good sport and said that the ying went to me instead of some total stranger. We like to keep the highs and lows in the family.

My sister's heart break and my hopefulness are a microcosm of the world and reminded me of this Advent quotations:

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5

"I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny." Kathleen Norris

I would say it confronts with the gloriousness and wretchedness of our humanness and ultimately our helplessness. And, it reframes it in the context of God's forever loving kindness. His withness. His compassion for us. We who can't help ourselves our made complete by the Creator of the universe.

I'm listening to a steady downpour of rain. It's lovely and relaxing. It's also a metaphor of God's blessing in the OT and in Charlotte, NC.

craig's list is sketchy

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

relief!

Thursday I finished and faxed my appeal. I faxed it again on Friday just for good measure. My brother took the copy over to the business. My cousin told me to wrap my head around the fact that my winning was a total crap shoot. But, I think the odds are slightly in my favor because of economy and political party in power. I hope I'm right. I really, really hope. It ultimately comes down to who is the referee and God.

I taught my long awaited Advent seminar this morning to six people two of whom I'm related. I had a technology scare this morning: I connected my computer to the projector, and the screen didn't project. Then, about fifteen minutes later it did. Plus an IT guy came. God had it covered. But, it was an ideal start because we could fit around a table and talk, which is what I envisioned. People talked... a little too much. I went in concerned about getting people engaged. The people who came were ready to talk. The problem was I got through about half of my material. We missed some really good stuff. My uncle and brother gave me good feedback; they're probably the most honest. My brother told me that I brought my A game, but I need to work on speaking more fluidly. He said I made little noises (hmm, okay) that detracted from the presentation. He's probably right because I hadn't fully thought out what I was going to say. I made some bullet points. Plus, I was monitoring other people to see how they were doing. Teaching has definitely helped me with facilitating a group. I just called on people to read or respond. A lady pointed out the irony of the words of "o come, o come Emmanuel": we're saying "come" to God-with-us. I wanted a unhurried, meditative pace, and I got it. I might need to speed it up next time. It was a positive experience.

I'm feeling paranoid about church now because this lady I barely know told me while smiling and nodding her head, "Now, I know how you really are." I dodged her question with a vague answer the previous week; it was the kind of thing my grandmother would say. I said something like: "I'll think about it" instead of a flat no. I'm trying to adjust to being in the South. So, I wonder if she gossiped with other ladies.

And, I told my roommate (who goes to the church) that I'd keep her dog for the month of December if she paid me $10/day-- the going rate is at least $25. I thought she'd be pleased. She told me,"You're being outrageous! I'll take the dog to Florida." Then told me how ungrateful I was; um, I pay rent. Rent must not count as gratitude. So I am glad I asked in order to stand up for myself, but I think it definitely put a rift in our relationship because she demonstrated an attitude that's come out before of my owing her something. I promised to keep her dog in September for her trip to Switzerland and in January for her trip to Honduras; I didn't promise to dog sit for month-long periods for free whenever she decides. I miss the dog more... at least so far. I promised myself a new place by May 1st; it may be sooner because there's a weird, unhealthy dynamic. (Seriously?!? This is pathetic, but it took up a lot of head and heart space this week.)

Good news: a weekly tutoring gig is in the works, and it hopefully starts tomorrow. And, a lady contacted me about nannying. I need to find out more, but there's potential. It looks like I may be able to teach in Anchorage just on my Praxis scores; I need to call. I'm back in touch with an old friend in town, which has been really nice. I exercised every day except Thursday; I think joining the gym is going to improve morale. Huzzah!

Advent: 2nd Coming

Come, Lord Jesus!

Come, Lord Jesus! Do I dare
Cry: Lord Jesus, quickly come!
Flash the lightning in the air,
Crash the thunder on my home!
Should I speak this awful prayer?
Come, Lord Jesus, help me dare.

Come, Lord Jesus! You I call
To come (come soon!) are not the child
Who lay once in the manger stall
Are not the infant meek and mild.
You come in judgment on our all:
Help me to know you, whom I call.

Come, Lord Jesus! Come this night
With your purging and your power,
For the earth is dark with blight
And in sin we run and cower
Before the splendid, raging sight
Of the breaking of the night.

Come, my Lord! Our darkness end!
Break the bonds of time and space.
All the powers of evil rend
By the radiance of your face.
The laughing stars with joy attend:
Come Lord Jesus! By my end!

L'engle

I can't get this to fit on a power point slide. Should I break it up or just pick a couple of stanzas? If a break up, which stanzas would you choose?

George Herbert on Advent/Christmas

The shepherds sing; and shall I silent be?
My God, no hymn for Thee?
My soul's a shepherd too; a flock it feeds
Of thoughts, and words, and deeds.
The pasture is Thy word: the streams, Thy grace
Enriching all the place.
Shepherd and flock shall sing, and all my powers
Outsing the daylight hours.
Then will we chide the sun for letting night
Take up his place and right:
We sing one common Lord; wherefore he should
Himself the candle hold.
I will go searching, till I find a sun
Shall stay, till we have done;
A willing shiner, that shall shine as gladly,
As frost-nipped suns look sadly.
Then will we sing, and shine all our own day,
And one another pay:
His beams shall cheer my breast, and both so twine,
Till ev'n His beams sing, and my music shine.

TS Eliot on Advent

*

Final stanza of "The Journey of the Magi"


All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we led all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

*http://www.cityside.org.nz/node/642

Handel's Messiah

The ad 

Some people celebrated 12/12/12 with wedding nuptials.  My family celebrated it with traditional Advent. Last night, I took my mom to dinner and Handel's Messiah.  It was an enjoyable evening (better than some weddings I've attended).  It felt apropos since she was the one who introduced me to the music.  When I was little, I remember the woman playing the timpani, the color of the trumpet, and the audience standing for the Hallelujah chorus. The program had the text in its entirety with the Bible verses, which was helpful.  Now, I really like the choruses: I'm not sure if that's due to maturity or theological development or mere coincidence.

We went to Harvest Moon Grille for dinner.  It's one of those hipster joints that only uses local food.  It was delish! Mom got the kale salad and smoked chicken breast.  I got the roasted squash salad and pork shank.  I've never had sweet potatoes au gratin before, but they were good.  Even the butter was local and yummy.

Auden on Advent

The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.
Was it to meet such grinning evidence
We left our richly odored ignorance?
Was the triumphant answer to be this?
The Pilgrim Way has led to the Abyss.

We who die must demand a miracle.
How could the Eternal do a temporal act,
The Infinite become a finite fact?
Nothing can save us that is possible:
We who die must demand a miracle.


The Summons
Star of the Nativity
....
Beware. All those who follow me are led
Onto that Glassy Mountain where are no
Footholds for logic, to that Bridge of Dread
Where knowledge but increases vertigo:
Those who pursue me take a twisting lane
To find themselves immediately alone
With savage water or unfeeling stone;
In labyrinths where they must entertain
Confusion, cripples, tigers, thunder, pain.

V

Chorale

Our Father, whose creative Will
Asked Being for us all,
Confirm it that Thy Primal Love
May weave in us the freedom of
The actually deficient on
The justly actual.

Though written by Thy children with
A smudged and crooked line,
Thy Word is ever legible,
Thy Meaning unequivocal,
And for Thy Goodness even sin
Is valid as a sign.

Inflict Thy promises with each
Occasion of distress,
That from our incoherence we
May learn to put our trust in Thee,
And brutal fact persuade us to
Adventure, Art, and Peace.

harrowing but successful day

Lost in the Cosmos. Itchy scratchy with energy to do something worthwhile and amazing. It's frustrating and exciting. It happens to me even when I'm engaged in a job. Restlessness. The complete inability to say, "This is it, and it's enough." It' good to realize this on the outside of a job or marriage or parenthood in order to realize it's internal friction... and it's not all bad. It just needs to be channelled.

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy." -Romans 8:22-5 (The Message)

This said, today was filled with effective busyness. I finished and faxed my appeal. I'm further along on my Advent class that happens Saturday. And, I'm more and more aware of how much I lucked out in the mom department. I got top of the line. This holds true for my entire nuclear family and a lot of the extended. I can used "blessed" in this category and feel overly cheesy. This diatribe is sponsored by the 2.5 hours my mom worked with me editing and honing the appeal. She's really smart and educated plus she's really into acting out her love. One time, Mom did something pretty amazing, way over the expected. I thanked her sheepishly and told her she didn't have to do it. She said, "I tell you 'I love you', but the words would ring hollow if I didn't back it up with action." Or something along those lines. It's pretty solid.

linked in

I looked up a ton of people I know on Linked In today. It'll bring my numbers to over 100. It felt like I was doing something somewhat useful, but maybe I was just playing around on the internet, which I feel like I do on a regular basis. I'm lacking focus these days. I need to schedule my days more thoroughly so that I end up accomplishing what I intend to not something random.

It's not as if I watch TV during the day, but I end up getting side tracked, which is frustrating. I need more architecture to my day. I get up by 8am, but maybe I should make that seven because I am a morning person. And, I get interrupted a lot. That's my other excuse. I'm technically a victim here.

I talked to a lady at the Employment Commission, and her advice was "be patient" because it will take them 6-8 weeks to process my appeal. Nice. And, I followed up with two other leads. First one, I heard nothing after a phone call and email. Second one, I found out 34 people are applying to the job I was sure was a shoe-in. Feeling a little overwhelmed and perplexed. Sending out CVs and applications feels like I'm hurling a pebble off a cliff-- absolutely no feedback to where or when it hits.

Waiting is so hard. I guess that's why I'm being so drawn to Advent right now. So much of the Christian life is spent in waiting... and ordinary time. One must learn how to be comfortable with silence and the unknown-- I'm a puny human. It's completely mystery to think that Jesus willingly became so limited and vulnerable. I guess, he of all people/gods knew what capable hands he would be in.

It's a time for reassessment and growth if I don't completely lose my moorings. As scared as I am, I think I still feel better than feeling trapped in a job I hate. We'll take the temperature on that a couple of months from now. The biggest thing I'm losing out on is going to my friend's wedding in India, which is sad. But, I may not have been able to go if I had job either.

speed job-hunting

One of my big(ger) beefs with looking for a job is how spread out the process is. For instance, the school in the summer took almost two months between turning in my application and getting my rejection letter. You need to have four interviews over a month in order to figure out if you want to hire someone?

Anyway, not today. Today I experienced the job version of speed dating.

I found a job on Craig's List.
9:50 I send email to address.
10:59 Receive email about phone interview.
11:12 I give availability
11:16 set up interview for 2.
2:04-2:19 phone interview. it was a questionnaire.
4:25 I send an email with two clarifications after having walked the dog and rethinking interview.
4:35 Receive polite refusal because I'm overqualified
5:08 I send missive that refutes her position and ask her to reconsider (because after all I have nothing to lose:
"I understand your position, but would like to share my perspective. Your position would be ideal for me and my Master's because I want to adjunct teach at ____. I've talked with the head of the History department I would put me in "adult learner" programs, which translate into a night or weekend class, which is a very part-time job. And, I also love to teach at my church; I'm preparing an Advent seminar right now. So, I'm getting the intellectual stimulation I need; I'm just not getting paid for it. I really do have fun working with children, and they like me too:) Your position would provide a worthwhile, honest, and enjoyable work, and hours, salary and benefits to teach what I love.

"Furthermore, your daughters would benefit from my higher education. All research concludes that whether or not a child goes to college is best determined by her third grade reading scores. And, the single factor that can be quantified about effective teachers is their vocabulary, which I have in spades. So, your investing in me now would have a far better ROI than even than SAT prep tutoring and prep schools, etc. I understand your concerns that are somewhat legitimate, but my benefits far outweigh the dark horse factor (plus, you can't overestimate the power of a bad economy on the fate of a liberal arts major).

"I'd really appreciate if you'd reconsider; I know you'd be pleased."

5:21: receive:
"Okay. You got me. You have valid points. How about a face to face interview on Thursday at our country club?"

So this would have taken far longer in most circles. It's not my dream job, but I'm coming to realize that dream jobs don't really exist. They're kind of like utopias, which literally means "no place" in Greek. And, I failed to mention the three mass emails I sent out today too, which was OVERkill even for me. But, I had no idea how quickly the process would go.

I don't know what God's doing in this and if I'll get the job, but I do know Sasha dog is snoring at my feet... because we went on two walks today.

Gerard Manley Hopkins on Advent/Waiting

“Patience, Hard Thing!”
Patience, hard thing! the hard thing but to pray,
But bid for, Patience is! Patience who asks
Wants war, wants wounds; weary his times, his tasks;
To do without, take tosses, and obey.
Rare patience roots in these, and, these away,
Nowhere. Natural heart’s ivy, Patience masks
Our ruins of wrecked past purpose. There she basks
Purple eyes and seas of liquid leaves all day.
We hear our hearts grate on themselves: it kills
To bruise them dearer. Yet the rebellious wills
Of us we do bid God bend to him even so.
And where is he who more and more distils
Delicious kindness?—He is patient. Patience fills
His crisp combs, and that comes those ways we know.

Another quote

I was at church for over seven hours today! Yikes. And, I should say at the YMCA because there is no church. I enjoyed it. I read the Scripture (Daniel 4:27-37 and I Thess 4:13-18). The sermon was topical on God's Sovereignty. But, back to me, I got compliments on my reading, but I had really good material. King Nebachednezzar going crazy gives the reader something with which to work. And, I met a cool guy during set up. We went to the same university but he graduated last year; we had some of the same professors. That was nice.

Quotation: "Everything has beauty" Confucius. I profoundly disagree with this statement. It in fact makes me upset because it sounds good, but it has terrible implications. There's beauty in genocide, infanticide, AIDS, slavery? Think a little, people. God can redeem things-- that makes God beautiful not the horrid circumstances.

***Update: I wrote my question as a comment on the pinterest pin and received a livid response. (I did write more tactfully than above.) My friend said my question was absurd. But, in my defense, I think genocide, etc. fall under the umbrella of "everything". I probably shouldn't have said anything because she took it as a personal attack. The beauty in this situation is: I think I'm going to use this as the starting question for my advent class-- we are in some desperate need of some true beauty in this broken world.