cage match: gutsy v. prudent

"Dream no small dreams, for they have no power to move the hearts of man." - Goethe

I'm full of angst about getting my certification. I could secure my job for next year by enrolling in 5 education classes by June 30th. But, I don't want my job for next year. This whole week I was full of dread about going back. But, it's a tough economy and I have no guarantee for a job. And, I know what it's like to be unemployed.

There's always the option of keeping my job, and letting it be just that-- a job. But, I have no respect for people who treat teaching like that; it's not like you're merely filing papers. I believe it's relational-- even soulful. It requires passion for the student and the material. I feel used (to the point of feeling dirty) and completely unappreciated when I enter the classroom. There's an hour of my day that isn't a fight.

How do you know if you're seeking God's will or calling your desires God's will? How do you know you're being good and true versus being lazy and impatient? And by "you", I mean "me". Three years seems a long time to me, but by Biblical standards, it's nothing. I haven't had some sage say to me, "Young Grasshopper, it's time for you to change jobs."

I am having a change of heart in regards to Charlotte as I mentioned in my previous post. Yet, I'm growing more restless with my job. That's problematic. But, as I was running this evening, I was thinking about having to pry my faith out of the context of the American dream. I so want a good life. But, I want it both ways: I want a comfortable middle class life and a fulfilling job. I want to grow in my knowledge of and relationship with God without any cost or discomfort.

Kierkegaard wrote, "Purity of heart is to will one thing." Monasticism has the idea of singleness of heart, too, even though most people claim it has to do with living alone. (Newsflash: monks have never lived alone-- even the hermits in the desert had lose federations that gathered for worship and functioned as support. And, the hermits were known for their hospitality.)

So just writing these paragraphs has helped me to reframe my question. Maybe I'm too focused on what I'm doing... or not doing, when I should be focused how I'm doing it, with what attitude and for whom. I want it both ways in wanting to be significant by God's standards and by the world's standards. I want to impact people's lives and get a spread in O magazine sharing with people how awesome I am. Some believers manage, but they're few and far between. This reminds me of what my writing prof at Regent would tell us about our writing: "You're in charge of the depth. God's in charge of the breadth."

I want a job that I get my undisclosed strengths. I like writing, reading, thinking, planning, communicating. I also like doing and moving around. The Johnson O'Connor told me that I should teach, write or start my own business. And, they said I should teach adults. So, maybe, once again, I've hit on something. I could volunteer and maybe lead a Bible study at my church for practice. I could look into teaching at Community Colleges and GRE programs and literacy programs.

Prudence used to be girl's name; it isn't any longer. I don't think we see it as a worthwhile character trait anymore. We've replaced prudence with greed and self-reliance, which aren't nearly the same thing.