the return of ralph

When I was in Japan, I was super stressed out all of the time. One time while joking with a friend on the phone about my nausea, he told me I should name it. So I knighted my nauseated state Ralph. Ralph because it's what I constantly felt like doing.

My brother makes fun of my uptight, high-strung nature... as if I chose to be wound this way! So Ralph is over for it looks like for at least a week-long visit. Sleep goes out the window when I feel this way. It's a vicious cycle.

I was waxing on to the Chief about it. She simply asked, "What's got you worried?"

Well it all started with R, the SMS art teacher, made an off-handed comment about me being unemployed next year, sitting at home unable to pay my bills. (I really think he said it in a joking manner.) This doubt has really taken root and thrived. And it has functioned as a gateway doubt for all my other dormant doubts and worries. For instance, I was sure I was going to get that part-time job as a SAT tutor, which paid well; I haven't heard from them. I have followed up. Gas prices are up. I have six weddings to attend, which is another of my personal rat holes of worry and doubt. I swear negative thoughts and emotions travel around in gangs with their little neuro-nunchucks and emotional brass knuckles. Hello, Ralph and your friend Insomnia!

When I spent so much quality time with Ralph in Japan, I prayed the Psalms of Ascent over and over again. I'd written a paper on Psalm 130 De Profundis for Darrell Johnson. Little did I know when I wrote it how much that research would serve and comfort me. The prayers are beautiful and articulate better than I ever could.

I need to remember and practice Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." This verse would make me puke except it's coming from Paul who is writing from prison and who has led a pretty tough life. He knows from experience and this whole letter is filled with his love for this people.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Wish me luck.