revamp

I need to revamp busy-- to figure out the architecture of balance. It pains me to reach this point, but I think I need a schedule. I was so productive in high school, and it was due to the structure of my time. Breakfast check in was by 7:45 am. Study hall was from 8-9:30. Sports 3:30-5:30. Lights out was at 11. Everything was so nice and slotted. I still managed to have a ton of fun and down time: it was called the weekend.

Structure and order are not a bad thing. I need a time budget in order to prioritize my priorities. It sucks when I get to the end of the day and am too exhausted to read or journal. And, it's my own fault. I'm responsible for letting myself get to the point where I resent my job. I think this schedule thing will function as a type of boundary.

We shall see. Today was a day that made me consider a leave of absence. But, it was redeemed by the meeting after school-- they fed us Outback chicken, salad and potato. The restaurant donated it to the new teachers. And, the Junior League donated cook books. Awesome.

hatchin' a plot, schemin' a scheme

and listening to the new U2. Tonight after meeting with the accredidation/certification specialist for my LEA and discussing the courses I need to take to get certified, I'm jazzed about the classes I have to take. For instance, a college level grammar class is on the list. Is that cool or what? And, we're talking adolescent literature and European history and some other groovy classes. Then, there's middle school methodology. I have a deep-seated disdain for people who use the word "methodology" over "methods" in the same manner I loathe "utilize" over "use" and "distinctive" over "distinct" or the word "unique". They're loaded with pretense and self-importance and lack basic logic and understanding.

And, this excitement over classes is balancing out the hope that's expanding in my soul's defunct hope factory. I'm writing cover letters to schools where I'd love to teach and in cities where I'd love to live and subjects I'd love to teach. It's encouraging to apply to these schools that are out of my league. Writing these letters reminds me of all of the stuff out in the world that I long to do. I'm not dried and shrivelled yet. But, the letter-writing is reminding me of the things I have to offer and spurring me to take classes to keep growing. So, I'm trying to framing this experience as movement in the right direction. I'll probably be here another year, but I'll be more practiced with applications and interviewing and more learned.

School wasn't that bad today. When I started to get panicky and weepy, I wrote a list of small tasks to accomplish, and it got me back on track.

Plus, I'm considering joining a master's rowing team to get my butt in shape and meet some people I have something in common with.

Easter 2009

skipped Easter 2007 due to the hijinks of time zones, flying from Charlotte Douglas to Narita. After that miss, I promised myself that I'd be home and in church if at all possible for Christmas and Easter. This morning was beautiful. Virginia kept saying, "This is the day the Lord has made!" He is risen! Church was packed. The sermon prickled, which is what a sermon is supposed to do. You're supposed to feel a little uncomfortable in my estimation. Spending time with Virg is a reminder of what my grandpa said, "If you live, you're going to get old." And the Easter sermon was a reminder that frailty and death are NOT natural. God did not intend for us to suffer this way, but he allowed his son to die for us. This Easter functioned as an alarm clock for a busy day.

It was fun to see everybody in their Easter finery. It was good to spend time with my family. And we shopped for earrings, bracelets and necklaces from my sister's Nica hope jewelry. Fashion with a heart.

home made

Love's been on my mind lately. More specifically, I've been mulling over the difference between real love and ideal love. While growing up, my mother always said, "You have to accept love the way people give it, and it's rarely the way you'd like." My grandpa bought me Ensure by the case when I was rowing in college because he thought I'd gotten too skinny. He never used the L word; he'd always tell me that he was proud of me.

I realize I'm expecting the wrong thing. Love is newborn awkward-- precious and cute but vulnerable and unruly. It's home-made awkward-- every batch comes out different. It's custom not standardized. It's humble and easily overlooked. It's quiet and gentle making it easily ignored. No soundtracks or sequins or capes to draw attention to it.

For instance, my mom helping me every evening for a week grade papers, plan lessons, organize reviews, pack, clean so that I could go to DC. Her willingness to give up her nights and join with me gave me the energy to plow through the work. And, I enjoyed myself so much-- knowing the cost sweetened the experience.

Then there's E's generosity in sharing her life and house to me for a few days. We shared the old parts of our friendship-- The Olde Brogue, walking, friends and ventured into new territory.

Or the most recent example is J-D and me planning and orchestrating the delivery of the outdoor table and chairs Mom purchased and deemed would fit in my station wagon. (Eyeballing it doesn't always work.) Two trips and 1.5 hours later the apparatus was on Mom's patio.



Then, of course, there's Good Friday and Easter. Nobody was expecting Love (or love) to be so vulnerable and powerful. We celebrate the grace of the cross with pastel bunnies and hot cross buns when it seems splinters and rare meat would be more apropos. Love is both fierce and vulerable, glaring and unpretentious. I'm learning love requires a interpretive mechanism. As I comb through some of my memories, I've recognized points of my history that were infused with love that I was unable to experience at the time. So often the proper responses to love are "yes, please" and "thank you".

This rumination on love also has led to thinking about how I love people. But, that's for another entry.

zoo

Zoo. Hot Chocolate. Sloth Bears. Eager Volunteer. Tacos at Uncle Julio's. Vienna. Tysons One. PF Chang's. Lots of fun. Nippy. Exhaustion. Fun.

happy and snappy

I'm writing this on A's computer in Arlington, VA. I lived a magnificent day! I woke up at 7:30, fed the 12 hour meter, ate breakfast, rode the orange line to the Smithsonian stop. Then, I met S who I haven't seen in 8 years. We had a great time. First thing after the hug, we were accosted by an Australian TV crew for an interview. Come to find out, it was a spoof. I signed the release so that they could use it.

We laughed and joked as we admired the cherry blossoms in the rain. And, we chuckled at our artsy shots of the Tulip Library with Don's Johns in the background. We went to the Natural Science Museum and checked out the Darwin and Orchid exhibit. Then we went to the National Gallery's Sculpture Garden and then the National Gallery. S knows art; I enjoyed her knowledge and observations.

We almost made it to the East building, but lunch and the gift shop stopped us. Lunch was good; we ordered the exact same thing except we got different hot teas. We talked about our lives and goals... and turning 30.

Then she had to go to work. I ended up going to the Freer and Sackler museums. I got really cool Teacher's guides for Islam Art, Ancient China and the Silk Road that incorporate the art into history lessons. They also have the kids produce something.

I then went to the East building and saw the Illuminated Manuscript Exhibit and the Calder room. I took illegal pictures in both; I got fussed at in both. I didn't see any signs.

I went out to eat with A at this nifty "European Fast Food" restaurant. It was delicious, fresh and different.

Then I went to shop for a wedding present for R; I missed his wedding in August. I'll give them: Berry's "Collected Poems", Collins' "Sailing Around the Room Alone" and Eliot's "Four Quartets".

Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo with E.

I'm exhausted; I think Carolina will manage to win this championship without me watching.

tdl, parents and origami

Can I come up with titles or what? I don't beat around the bush; I cut to the chase. My titles are in line with 18th and 19th Century Titles that are about 20 words long, communicating exactly the journey on which you're embarking.

My overwhelming To Do List has been whittled down to reasonable. My departure date of Sunday is eminently reasonable. I feel a sense of accomplishment that I got so much completed-- I still have some to do, but not nearly what it was. I'm still missing some of my students' writing assessments, which makes me nervous. I've scoured my desk and all the papers around my room. So, that's unresolved. But, much of the other work I tore through.

We had parent-teacher conferences from 12-7 tonight. Six parents signed up, and fifteen parents showed up. I was hoping for a little more down time to grade, but some of the meetings were productive. Again I felt the profound differences between my teammate and me; we're different on many levels. However, I had a more rational approach than emotional this time around. It's an interesting spot working as an equal with someone who's twenty years older. Furthermore, our educations, intellects, interests and backgrounds differ. I need to decide whether to ask for a switch now or later.

I'm excited about tomorrow's lesson that integrates Language Arts and Social Studies. We're going to make origami. First, we're going to read the directions and analyze it as an informational text. Then, we're going to make a couple. Then, I'm going to read Sadaku and the 1,000 Paper Cranes. The story will integrate the origami with yesterday's lesson about the atom bomb and Hiroshima. I want to talk about the power of story and art over facts. I want to talk about how origami is a great lesson in Japanese culture (it's slow and kind of pointless, but it's also beautiful and requires a high level of patience and attentiveness). I'm really excited. I hope my kids like it!

This week has been full and good. It's surreal that April is upon us! Surreal and sweet.