My faux dog or "my" dog

Sasha
I live with a dog named Sasha. He's 100% mutt and excellent company. He's very pretty and not too smart. As we all know, this is a good thing. Canine intelligence is a terrible thing: the dog and his humans end up extremely frustrated. They don't have words only paws and teeth and incoherent barking. I emphasize the positive: "beautiful coat", "you're so quiet", "you're excellent company", etc. However, he prefers to hear his name to be sung, "Sasha sasha sasha sasha sasha." He finds the repetition pleasing. His tail wags in beat as I chant.

We enjoy walking but have separate expectations, which can lead to not good outcomes. Plus, he's obscenely furry and it gets everywhere. He's been extremely patient training me. I'm learning his language, which involves very little barking. He communicates mostly with his front paws and snout.
Sasha Asleep

valley day

Very rough. Looking for an exit strategy for this juncture of my life.

Highlights: going to the two art museums: The Bechtler and The Mint. It was my first time at the Bechtler because we were having a standoff about the price of admission. I won. Today was free thanks to Wells Fargo. I saw some amazing art, and I really like the architecture of the buildings. I had my fill of squawking children though.

Great walk with the dog. I love getting compliments about what a wonderful dog he is from strangers when he isn't my dog. I'm quite smitten with him, and my brother makes fun of me. He asks, "How's Sasha?" At least once per conversation.

Good prayer. Beautiful but cold day.

Resolutions:
Move out by May 1st.
Do NaNoWriMo 2011.
Get Microsoft Office for my computer and set up a printer for it. This is driving me nuts.
Read Lilies of the Field this week.

I should be in bed, but my mind and heart are so tightly coiled that my muscles are tense. Love it.

linked in

I looked up a ton of people I know on Linked In today. It'll bring my numbers to over 100. It felt like I was doing something somewhat useful, but maybe I was just playing around on the internet, which I feel like I do on a regular basis. I'm lacking focus these days. I need to schedule my days more thoroughly so that I end up accomplishing what I intend to not something random.

It's not as if I watch TV during the day, but I end up getting side tracked, which is frustrating. I need more architecture to my day. I get up by 8am, but maybe I should make that seven because I am a morning person. And, I get interrupted a lot. That's my other excuse. I'm technically a victim here.

I talked to a lady at the Employment Commission, and her advice was "be patient" because it will take them 6-8 weeks to process my appeal. Nice. And, I followed up with two other leads. First one, I heard nothing after a phone call and email. Second one, I found out 34 people are applying to the job I was sure was a shoe-in. Feeling a little overwhelmed and perplexed. Sending out CVs and applications feels like I'm hurling a pebble off a cliff-- absolutely no feedback to where or when it hits.

Waiting is so hard. I guess that's why I'm being so drawn to Advent right now. So much of the Christian life is spent in waiting... and ordinary time. One must learn how to be comfortable with silence and the unknown-- I'm a puny human. It's completely mystery to think that Jesus willingly became so limited and vulnerable. I guess, he of all people/gods knew what capable hands he would be in.

It's a time for reassessment and growth if I don't completely lose my moorings. As scared as I am, I think I still feel better than feeling trapped in a job I hate. We'll take the temperature on that a couple of months from now. The biggest thing I'm losing out on is going to my friend's wedding in India, which is sad. But, I may not have been able to go if I had job either.

Augustine's Prayer (my favorite)

delapidated cottage from geograph

My soul is like a house,
small for you to enter,
but I pray you to enlarge it.
It is in ruins,
but I ask you to remake it.
It contains much you will not be pleased to see:
this I know and do not hide. Confessions 1.5

craig's list is sketchy

This morning I responded to an ad "Literature Tutor needed"; it said, "Assistance needed in studying for and completing adult education literature course. Hourly compensation plus bonus at sucessful completion of course."

I wrote the email address to demonstrate interest. I asked about the specifics of the job, and this was the response:

"I have a workbook that has specific stories that are defined and a book of questions to answers. Basically there are 8 exams to complete from reading the stories and answering their questions. The multiple choice part is done. We are actually looking for someone more to not "tutor" but "take over" and complete and rest of the answer section of the Q and A from reading the stories. Susan Glaspell, Robert Browning, Langston Hughes, etc... We understand if you are not comfortable doing this. It's this last class she has to complete her diploma and is struggling and we just want it done and over. Let us know if you are interested."

I wish that I could say that I was shocked and outraged. I wish I could say I didn't spend some time contemplating doing the work: I like that kind of thing, I'd be making some money, and I'd be "helping" someone. I like to think my momentary loss has to do with how jaded I've become about the US's schooling system. Grading and diplomas are rapidly becoming a joke if they aren't already. I'd like to think it's this or I'm getting desperate rather than thinking I'm morally decrepit. Ah, I learned much about my own smug cloud; I need to be a little more cautious about judging people.

I'm reading Empire Falls by Richard Russo. It's a compelling, smooth read. There are no flashy gimmicks, but the characters are so heart-achingly true and the plight is so recognizable. This a Vermeer type read, and I love Vermeer. This book reminds me with each chapter the power of reading a good book: it makes the world new again.

Latest Advent tidbit:

So come now, Lord Jesus
Come in your silence
breaking our noising
laughter of panic
breaking this earth's time
breaking us breaking us
quickly Lord Jesus
make no long tarrying

When will you come
and how will you come
and will we be ready
for silence
your silence

the last part of L'Engle's poem "Ready for Silence".

weirdness and waiting

(spoiler alert: 2+2 remains 2+2; there is no resolution. But, if you're a regular, you're used to it.)

funeral
+job application
+cousin having baby (it's a girl)
+gut-wrenching conversation with a friend with a broken heart
+studying Advent (2 very different wreaths: 1) hope, faith, joy, & love 2) patriarchs, prophets, John the Baptist, Mary)
+Mexican for lunch
+car inspection and tag renewal
=Today

Life is all about weird juxtaposition. The profound and profane all crowded and jostled in the same subway car. Death, birth, bureaucracy, grace, red tape, enlightenment, boredom, laughter, disappointment.

Thought of the day: I've been role-playing through the Advent Cast: Mary, Joseph, John the Baptist, Wise Men, shepherds, etc., trying to unlock the spiritual/practical application of the historical story. (I can't help myself. I spent several semesters studying Lectio Divina.) Mary is self-explanatory-- Jesus lives and grows inside us in a nutshell. I was wrestling with Joseph-- he clearly demonstrates obedience and servanthood. But, upon my conversation with my friend, I think I may see Joseph as the role of the broken-hearted and shattered/unfulfilled-dreamers. Imagine what he must to have gone through if he loved Mary; he arrives at treating Mary with some dignity on his own. However, God doesn't let him off the hook. He's called to go into this continent of self-denial and faith that's far beyond normal expectation. It's like a precursor of the Sermon on the Mount mixed with Job post apocalypse where he gets double the children.

To sum up the rest of this incoherent post I'll quote my mom's response to my blathering on about Advent: "Studying is fun, isn't it?" You may read on if you wish.

There are the three comings Advent celebrates/acknowledges:

1. his arrival into history/incarnation
2. his return/second coming
3. intermediate entrance into our lives

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. -Romans 8:22-5 (Message)

I've learned how much the Advent season holds, how it breaks into our lives with images of dark and light, first and last things, watchfulness and longing, origin and destiny. Kathleen Norris

the beach

I just got back from a long weekend at the beach with my immediate family. It was relaxing and enjoyable. I'm sunburned and have a huge cut on my forehead, but it's all for a good cause. The weather was gorgeous. People were in a good mood. Water is cathartic. I read about half of Empire Falls. I walked along the beach and the dunes. I love dunes.

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's funeral. There was a member of the church that thought she was my grandmother (I guess because she always sat with us during the Sunday service). I'm not sad because she's so much better off. But, I will miss her, her keen wit and her confidence in me very much. She's the kind of woman you'd name a daughter after.