misflicker

My past two days have been sponsored by frustration and angst (more so than usual). Patience has never been my strong suit. But, the nonchalance and disregard I'm getting from employers has really unhinged me right now. On the phone with my brother, I was estimating how many rejections I've experienced, expecting some compassion. His response was: "It should make it easier to put yourself out there." I've developed resignation but not aloofness. I'm no longer surprised but it still feels personal. It helps me realize how few friends I have-- lots of people have advice and few people listen.

My desolations don't need naming; it just seems that all HR departments are trash heaps for the people who couldn't hack it in other parts of the country.

But, my consolations were tiny and delicate:

1. Helped a friend organize her kitchen cabinets.

2. Watched A Good Woman, an excellent movie with Helen Hunt, based on Oscar Wilde's "Lady Windemere's Fan". It's a play of redemption and the good and evil inside of all of us. And, it's so well-crafted and witty and true. Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite writers. I came away with the idea of hope and self-examination... and how often we settle for the obvious in lieu of the truth. There were numerous quotations noteworthy:

"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."


3. I love Wendell Berry. His writing is brilliant, simple and true. Simple in the sense of pure, without dross. Perhaps, I should say elegant. His characters remind of the neighbors I grew up with on the dirt road in Clover, SC.

From "Pray without Ceasing" in Wendell Berry's Fidelity

"'.... I believed then, and I believe now, that he was not a bad man. But we are all as little children. Some know it and some don't.'
She looked at me to see if I was one who knew it, and I nodded, but I was only thirty and did not know it yet." (12)

This fictional grandmother offered me a lot of grace through this scene for me and for others. Sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by immaturity and selfishness and lack of vision and hope, but I'm like a little kid-- it's hubris to be surprised by my shortcomings and get aggravated at others.

"... one of the characteristic diseases of the twentieth century was making its way: the suspicion that one would be improved if they were someplace else." (20)

He makes wander-lust sound abominable, but there's no escaping yourself. I have this disease. It's scary to invest and put down roots. I've gotten used to the student life. But, it is a disease-- it saps joy out of stuff.

4. A delightful email that prodded me to a delightful (and much needed) run.