realizations

I'm adverse to maturing. I had a coach in college who called me and my boat "scrappers"; she meant it as a compliment. We're fighters, bulldogs, stout-hearted. But, far too often, I fray with my make-up and the world the way it is. (Who doesn't prefer beauty to wit?) As my excitement mounts for teaching, I'm doing some platonic self-examination (the unexamined life is not worth living). I need to assess my strengths and weaknesses, and find a way to implement a classroom management style that accentuates the positive in my students and myself. Preparing to teach has made me very aware of the behaviors and attitudes I model: it's humbling. I can't imagine what the process must be for the parent prone to navel-gazing. Perhaps, the realizations are good and will lead to a new and improved self with an ample dose of grace and perseverance.

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I've embarked on reading teacher books, which are introducing me to some skills and principles. I'm learning a lot. Reading about teaching is a very different kind of reading for me; it's a different intellectual excercise. I'm used to thinking in more abstract terms. It feels similar to reading Runner's World-- some articles pertain to me and I adjust the information to fit my situation. I'm reading for knowledge and understanding, but ultimately to change and grow. I'm going to have skills after this year.

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I need to change churches. I went into hyper-analytical mode during Sunday's service. No prayer occurred during the entire service. Not a single prayer. And, this after a sermon series on prayer. A fundamental disconnect exists somewhere. I tried to consider all the possible reasons that they're would be no prayer, but I couldn't come up with a satisfying one. All I could think about is what a person new to the faith would walk away with from this service: vague, emotional nothingness. Maybe if the vague, emotional nothingness was positive enough, they'll come back. The sermon seemed more about Rothko and Juno than, say, Jesus. Every sermon seems to gaze into the navel of the human condition, but that's merely a finite slice of the human condition and the Christian faith. Jesus can (and does) woo anybody in any circumstance, but this is taking hipness too far. Did I worship and connect with the living God? No. Did I enjoy chatting with friends? Yes. There's something off in how I'm wired and how I engage in worship with this church. Perhaps I have different expectations and concept of Sunday service. Perhaps, I'm too simple for this church. I have a plan for this Sunday, but am up in the air for the next ones. One Sunday at a time. I'll have to ween myself off.

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I enjoy running. I'm slowly getting in shape. Training for a marathon is going to be rough my first year of teaching, but I think it'll force me to take care of myself.

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I'm goal-oriented. Now that I have a job, I'm far more productive and efficient.