cage match: gutsy v. prudent

"Dream no small dreams, for they have no power to move the hearts of man." - Goethe

I'm full of angst about getting my certification. I could secure my job for next year by enrolling in 5 education classes by June 30th. But, I don't want my job for next year. This whole week I was full of dread about going back. But, it's a tough economy and I have no guarantee for a job. And, I know what it's like to be unemployed.

There's always the option of keeping my job, and letting it be just that-- a job. But, I have no respect for people who treat teaching like that; it's not like you're merely filing papers. I believe it's relational-- even soulful. It requires passion for the student and the material. I feel used (to the point of feeling dirty) and completely unappreciated when I enter the classroom. There's an hour of my day that isn't a fight.

How do you know if you're seeking God's will or calling your desires God's will? How do you know you're being good and true versus being lazy and impatient? And by "you", I mean "me". Three years seems a long time to me, but by Biblical standards, it's nothing. I haven't had some sage say to me, "Young Grasshopper, it's time for you to change jobs."

I am having a change of heart in regards to Charlotte as I mentioned in my previous post. Yet, I'm growing more restless with my job. That's problematic. But, as I was running this evening, I was thinking about having to pry my faith out of the context of the American dream. I so want a good life. But, I want it both ways: I want a comfortable middle class life and a fulfilling job. I want to grow in my knowledge of and relationship with God without any cost or discomfort.

Kierkegaard wrote, "Purity of heart is to will one thing." Monasticism has the idea of singleness of heart, too, even though most people claim it has to do with living alone. (Newsflash: monks have never lived alone-- even the hermits in the desert had lose federations that gathered for worship and functioned as support. And, the hermits were known for their hospitality.)

So just writing these paragraphs has helped me to reframe my question. Maybe I'm too focused on what I'm doing... or not doing, when I should be focused how I'm doing it, with what attitude and for whom. I want it both ways in wanting to be significant by God's standards and by the world's standards. I want to impact people's lives and get a spread in O magazine sharing with people how awesome I am. Some believers manage, but they're few and far between. This reminds me of what my writing prof at Regent would tell us about our writing: "You're in charge of the depth. God's in charge of the breadth."

I want a job that I get my undisclosed strengths. I like writing, reading, thinking, planning, communicating. I also like doing and moving around. The Johnson O'Connor told me that I should teach, write or start my own business. And, they said I should teach adults. So, maybe, once again, I've hit on something. I could volunteer and maybe lead a Bible study at my church for practice. I could look into teaching at Community Colleges and GRE programs and literacy programs.

Prudence used to be girl's name; it isn't any longer. I don't think we see it as a worthwhile character trait anymore. We've replaced prudence with greed and self-reliance, which aren't nearly the same thing.

public transit ain't American

Last night I confessed to my sister that I'm actually coming to a truce with Charlotte. It's to the point that I even bought some "art" for my apartment. It is a pretty city... beautiful trees, grass, brick, skyscrapers, cemeteries, funky little restaurants, daffodils. It smells good at night. There are things to do... even if you have to go into public places and ease drop in order to find out. There is art... even though it's locked up most of the time in pretty museums. There are cool people casted as bankers, housewives and other drone-like roles. There's good running in walking in some areas. I saw an owl on my street last week, which was cool after I got unfreaked out from seeing it fly in peripheral vision.

But there's one thing I hate: being dependent on a car. I don't like to drive. I resent having to own a car and spend tons of time in traffic. Of course, I pointed out to her that I lived for three years in Vancouver without a car. I survived with a bike and a bus pass-- that's the good life. I didn't have a car in Japan either. My rational and relentlessly intelligent sister asked, "What American cities that you'd want to live in have good public transit?" I started to hem and haw. New York. She said, "It's probably the best the US has to offer, but you still can't get across Central Park on public transportation. The metro has crappy hours. The El and T are problematic. And, MARTA is a total joke." I pointed Portland has good transport, but my sister doesn't really consider Oregon and Washington as legitimate parts of the US. They're misallocated Canadian provinces to her way of thinking. This is to say she ignored me.

She said, "Germany has excellent public transit. It also has a different tax system, culture and mentality. Public transit goes against our fierce individuality and our resistance to government involvement and control."

She's right. It's not just Charlotte; it's anywhere in the US. I've fought feeling at home here all of my life for just and unjust causes alike. I guess I'm going to file public transit as a lost cause.

rejection

Adventure and risk are exciting and exhiliarating, but rejection is no fun. I had an amazing couple of weeks of adventure: interviews, dates, etcetera. But, then, there's the waiting time. Then, there's the no thank you. I got a rejection letter from a school I interviewed with two weeks ago. Then, to add insult to injury, I got a rejection letter from a school I did NOT apply to. I have to admit the latter had a little less sting, but it was out of right field weird.

My second day of spring break was fairly productive... now I'm waiting on a friend to call. I guess, I need to go on a walk or something.

wanted: flexibility

I heard back from the SAT prep cram school; they found "a more flexible teacher". When I texted my sister this news, she responded, "So the other person does more yoga?!" Probably that and doesn't have a full-time job. So I'm bummed but moving on.

ACC Tournament

I love college basketball. It's about the only sport I get excited about being a spectator. On occasion, there's a good football game. Baseball and hockey games are fun to attend. But, college basketball is so much fun! The ACC tournament wasn't pretty, but it was exciting. UNC lost in the final by a lot (17 points), but it's okay because the past two times we've lost in the final we went on to win the NCAA tournament. Woohoo! We're a really young team with a sick amount of raw talent, but we play messy.

UNC's first two games were studies in double digit comebacks. I was struck by how evident momentum is in a game, and how it shifts from team to team. It seemed like a metaphor for life. It's beautiful when it's your team that goes on a 12-0 streak, but it's infuriating when it's the other way around. Sometimes everything is going the way you want it to, and there are other times when you get stopped by all eight stoplights. There are bad calls. But, a player has to stay in the game. A commentator said he liked how Harrison Barnes was willing himself into the game. I need to talk to my students about this "willing himself into the game", and I need to remind myself of it too in my job search and life in general. I stopped running because I was sick, but now I've got to make up the lost time and get myself back to where I was.

As for the job search, I was really struck by this passage when reading Hebrews this morning, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross.... Consider him... so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." In this, there's a since of order, but it seems like Jesus as author has a very different perspective on my life than I do. There's an awful lot of references to the cross and suffering and perseverance; it's enough to make a believer a little nervous. But, maybe it's like UNC basketball, it's okay to lose the conference championship because it spurs you on to win the National.

24/7

Do you know the Monty Python scene where the guy says:“There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount”? This quotation came to mind this afternoon when a friend and I went to the 24/7 Prayer Room and it was locked. Not only was it locked, it had hours posted "Monday-Friday 10-9pm" to add to the irony. I told my friend, "Never assume. You've always got to read the fine print." She reminded me that things always work out, and she was right.

We ended up hanging out and praying in the Free Store in Area 15. The huge room had a ramp that had interesting, creative characters in fedoras and other "I'm cool" accoutrements walking up and down it one at a time. Earth-toned painted stripes ran down the walls. We nested in comfy chairs in the second-hand store. We were in the heart of funky. It felt adventurous and practical all wrapped up in the same box. As we conversed, we eventually realized that artsy types don't boot you out for squatting. It wasn't the hours of transforming prayer I was hoping for; then again, there were no lit candles in the vicinity.

My friend prayed Psalm 51 out in the car (clearly she knows me). Then she gave me James 4:13-17 in conversation. Well actually, James 4:17: "Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin." And, she coupled it with Hebrews 12:14: "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy..."

I needed these verses. The James verse is basically talking about living in the present and living in obediently now. I'm so caught up in finding a job that will allow me to use (or maybe discover) my talents. Nope. It's need to be right now in the most unglamorous of settings, the 7th grade classroom in a rural setting. God's not waiting for perfect circumstances.

The second verse is pretty strong with "all men." Apparently, God wants me to live peaceably with the incompetent people with whom I work, the annoying drivers that cut me off, and students who go, "blah, blah, blah" while I talk. I get the feeling God wants me to take myself way less seriously and get one fantastic sense of humor. That said, I still don't think the author of Hebrews uses "all" in the tongue-in-cheek manner of Monty Python's "none".

illness and the drama queen

So last week, I was pretty sure I had a serious case of pneumonia because my lungs hurt. Turns out I had a serious case of overactive imagination. The previous week my sister had gone to a funeral for one of her coworkers who'd died of complications with pneumonia at the age of 41. He wasn't HIV positive or old, which is who I think of dying of pneumonia. So, naturally, my acute bronchitis turned into a fatal case of pneumonia.

My doctor told me to get over myself in a very tactful way. He laughed at me twice. (Well, it was a good-natured chuckle.) It was what I needed to hear. I felt so much better the next day when I realized I wasn't going to die next month... it was a real weight off.

Now I'm getting back into running after a 3-4 week hiatus. Ouch. And, I did about 20 minutes of yoga. My pathetic little muscles were quivering with fatigue from stretching. I'm giving myself two weeks to get back into the swings. I'm back on my vitamins and everything.