the weekend of bookshelf

On Friday my latent nesting instinct kicked in 6 months after moving.  I hung some of my pictures, and started going through some stuff. I even found a bookshelf on Craig's List Friday afternoon.  I emailed the dude and arranged a pick up that night: I borrowed a truck, gently coerced a neighbor into helping me unload it and bring it upstairs, and got the guy I bought it from with one of his neighbors to help me load it.

It was a bit daunting because the sucker was heavy.  In some ways it was nice to be a single woman because people were more willing to help me.  It was a little frustrating because I had to do it on everybody else's terms (I wanted to do it Sunday, the seller wanted to do it Friday; the neighbor helped me move it upstairs at 10 pm, etc.).  But, I ended up with what I wanted at a price I could afford-- I got a $100 check in the mail earlier this week that more than covered all the associated costs.

I unpacked all my boxes of books-- at least 12.  Bibliophiles, you know how great that feels.  I found some ones that I'd really missed: Wendell Berry's Collected Poems, NT Wright's Jesus.  And, in my 3 ring binders, I found my transcripts for my Master's.  I through away a lot of paper, and have a box of books to donate.  I'm a natural born pack rat. 

I love the bookshelf because one square is devoted to Russian novels, one square to poetry, etc.  And the shelves are deep-- so I have two rows to them.  I'm sure it'd cause an anal person a panic attack, but I love it!

The whole experience was empowering and humbling.  Friday night was full of tedium, but I organized three aspects (truck, pickup and drop off) with relative ease.  It was humbling that people were so willing to help for nothing in return.  Having my books was a little emotional because they reflect different periods in my past and bring back memories.  I unpacked Latin, Greek, Spanish, and English Lexicons.  Books I bought in Japan and Peru.  My Jonathan Edwards biography, which is surprisingly good.

I figured out a class I want to teach on writing spiritual autobiography, and two books I'd use as texts.  I found my personal training text books I need to come up with a strength workout for myself.

Much like training for a marathon, I feel like I was handed another key piece of my identity.

Banana Splits and other food for thought

Tomorrow (August 25th) is Banana Split Day!!!  Here's a link to a blog I follow that explores and celebrates the phenomenon: guiltless banana split in jar.  

I came across this quotation on Facebook today (Cory Booker posted it):

If you fear it, you give it power. 
If you face it, you gain the strength. 
If you hate it, you reveal your darkness. 
If you love it, you reveal your light.

Love banana splits and reveal your light!

freedom?!?*

Studying in Canada revealed how profoundly American I am. I think like an American. I have an American attitude: I expect things to be quick and orderly. I don't like people telling me what to do-- I hate being micro-managed. There are certain presumptions that I take for granted because I am American: individual freedom being one of those core values. Hello, Bill of Rights. Hello, Declaration of Liberty!

I used to think that freedom would arrive with adulthood. No more bedtime! No more chores! I could all my money however I wanted! I could eat all the dessert I wanted! No more green peas. I would get to do whatever I wanted and be whomever I wanted to be. Haha... at least for me. Now, it seems that as we age we inevitably move toward more constraints... or at least different constraints. Even more shocking, I'm not sure the constraints are all bad. I'm coming to think independence (as a free-floating state) is an intellectual farce just as autonomy is.

My American and childhood concepts of freedom are small and naive compared to the Christian concept. Os Guiness sees current American culture in the context of a War about Freedom. The Judeo- Christian concept of freedom:

Jewish and Christian freedom has a number of very striking features. It's derived, not self-created. It's relational; it has to be done in community. It's not atomistic and individualistic. And it has a framework of truth—"The truth will set you free." And it's not boundless.

Opposed to:
On the other hand, you have the philosophical revolution that comes out of the Renaissance that humans are capable of creating themselves. You tie that with the scientific revolution, which imagines we can through science create ourselves. And then there is the consumer revolution, where everything is possible through the market and you can be whoever you want to be. You can see how these things have created this incredible sense of infinite possibility. You have profoundly anti-Christian views on freedom underlying so many of the discussions.

Judeo-Christian freedom is derived, relational, done in community, bounded by absolute truth: a meta-narrative rooted in history centered on God. In the Christian faith, we're freed from death and sin in order to become fully, truly human through relationship with Jesus and our neighbors. Whereas, the philosophical revolution conceives freedom in human-centered terms of infinite possibility. I conceptualize this infinite possibility in terms of self fulfillment and reaching potential.

Conflict is eminent. Internal conflict for the American Christian... or Christian American. Christian freedom gives a person an identity as a child of God and a member of the Church; it's a bounded identity. We're called to love... because we are loved. There's a moral aspect to Christian freedom. Modern philosophy says identity is self-created or chosen (I'm straight or gay, Republican or Democrat, my profession, my race, my weight, my marital status). This kind of identity is prone to fluctuate with circumstances.

An added dimension of the concept of freedom is the positive and negative freedom, using Isaiah Berlin's categories*. Os Guinness defines them as:
Negative freedom is freedom from—freedom from oppression, whether it's a colonial power or addiction to alcohol oppressing you. You need to be freed from negative freedom. Positive freedom is freedom for, freedom to be. And that's what's routinely ignored today.

To quote Kierkegaard: How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech.

Os Guinness argues (correctly, I believe) that Americans are interested in negative freedom rather than positive freedom. We're more interested in being able to drink a 32 oz Coca-Cola in NYC than we are in the freedom to live a healthy lifestyle. I know I view freedom in more American/negative terms than Christian/positive terms. I can feel my tendency toward negative freedom in my hesitation toward commitments. But, making a commitment to other people forces us to become people and to face our demons that we could easily avoid outside community. We are profoundly social beings; it's in our DNA. The illusion of autonomy is giving us rope to hang ourselves with a freedom unbounded by morality/virtue. Having to create and maintain an identity is a lot of work.

Transformation is a slow process.

* This is a reflection on Christianity Today's Freedom in Balance (interview with Os Guinness)

Merchant of Venice and Mercy

I went to see the Merchant of Venice tonight.  It was my first time ever seeing the play.  It was fantastic-- I thoroughly enjoyed it.  The actors did a fantastic job-- they were having a lot of fun.

I was really struck by the discussions of mercy throughout the play, esp. in the court scene.  Shylock refuses to give Antonio mercy; then, Shylock is refused mercy.  The plea for mercy:
The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice bless’d;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

Portia is an amazing character.  She's clever, wise and human.  Shakespeare had such a strong, important female character in the Elizabethan era.  Modern Hollywood doesn't have as strong female characters.

There's a theme of being cautious and prudent and not accepting things and people at face value.  Human nature is on display.

"If to do were as easy as to know what were good to do, chapels had been churches, and poor men’s cottages princes’ palaces." Portia

"The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness,
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek;
A goodly apple rotten at the heart:
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!" Antonio

Be wary:

"I like not fair terms and a villain's mind." Bassanio

Don't be a fool.  Don't be shallow:

"All that glisters is not gold,
Often have you heard that told:
Many a man his life hath sold,
But my outside to behold:
Gilded tombs do worms infold."  Prince of Morocco (in the letter)

Hard words:

"I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we shall resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge. The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction." Shylock

Next time you get a chance, go to see a play!

pomo tribes, etc.

Samuel Salcedo

The universe feels full of surprisingly heavy, sharp objects-- shards of glass.  I keep waiting for life to make sense... to be logical.  But, I'm standing too close to it.  If I could understand then I could control it, right?  Thanks, Descartes, for setting me up for disappointment and a life of low-grade frustration.

Relief came in the form of "aha" listening to James Houston's lecture.  I've been flailing against these ridiculous, nonsensical, purposeless classes that prove nothing but are necessary to certification.  Houston relieved my angst: Postmodernism has returned to a tribalism, and professionalism is the new tribalism.  Overall, I agree with his take from experiencing 1) certification hoops that must be jumped, 2) the existential angst that comes with unemployment (granted I'm prone to all forms of angst in all situations), 3) observing my mom's decision-making process regarding retirement and my friends who've chosen to stay at home with their children.

I listened to his lecture on identity at least three times.  Ontology fascinates and plagues me.  He basically said that people who stick with "what" questions can find answers, and people who ask "why" questions will discover more questions.  What I understood him to say is that there is no I.  Our fierce individualism is a fallacy.  The elemental level of society is not the individual, but the mother and child. We are not islands.  Replacing "we" with "I" has caused of a lot of problems.  "We" has room for love.  "I" will always be pitted against the other.  "We" can be enlarged to the point that "other" no longer exists.  In this sense, All Saints' Day is more important than Christmas, Easter, and Pentecost. All Saints is the answer to Jesus' prayer in John 17.  I'm oversimplifying.

He wasn't limiting or denigrating our personhood, but saying that we are persons only through relationships.  We weren't designed to be individuals.  We are limited in our ability to engage in relationship by our degree of self-knowledge.  We really need to plumb the feelings and memories behind our ideas and attitudes.

We're like Zacheus perched in a tree, wanting to glimpse and experience Jesus from a distance and on our own terms.  That's the blessing and curse of the Christian life: after encountering Christ you cannot remain the same.   To encounter Jesus is to be truly seen and known-- absolute vulnerability in the surest of loves.

But, the fruits of the spirit make sense in the context of relationship when you think about it.  Gentleness, kindness and patience, etc. wouldn't be that necessary on a deserted island.  Self control on the other hand...

It's a beautiful lecture; I'll be contemplating if for a long time.

feelin' alive

When I was in Japan, I realized what a gift running was.  It made me happy like few things could.  I realized it was kind of a nice thing to be made happy by that.  I realized that this past year I've strayed away from things that have been central to my identity either because they're not possible (an exciting social life) or because I feel I don't deserve them (new clothes).

Loneliness is one of the aspects of unemployment that people leave out.  And, there's a sense of isolation that goes along with it, esp. since I'm in my thirties and single to boot.  Everybody my age is married with kids... or ridiculously fat where I live.

So, I've decided to make a conscious effort to be me.  Does that make sense?

I like people.

1. Although I have no kindred spirits in these parts, I do have some kind, dear friends.  So, I'm contacting them.  I'm going to see Merchant of Venice with one tomorrow night.  I'm meeting another for drinks another night.

2. I have my sweet, old ladies who think I'm incredibly young!  What's not to love?  And, just smiling and saying hi to the other people is uplifting.  It makes me feel useful.  The absence of care for the elderly is one of my major beefs with the church (not just mine but in general).  So, I get to be the change I want to see.

I like to think.

1. I'm really enjoying War and Peace.  There's so much to it.  It's well-written with keen insights on the human condition.  Oddly, literature eliminates loneliness.  I feel recognized.

2. Listening to deeply insightful lectures that provide new ways of framing my life. John's Gospel: Exercises in Spiritual Theology for a PostModern World by James Houston. Houston is wise; his lectures are full of his cleverness and gentleness.  His ideas are extremely energizing, satisfying and comforting.  

I like to run.

I'm training for a marathon... but my hip is hurting so I'm taking a few days off.

These are little parts of my uniqueness that add up to me.  Not one of them is glamorous, but that's okay.

look alert!!!

I want to be hot when I'm 56!  At my weight lifting class, I totally got schooled by a woman that goes to my church who's 56.  She tripled the weight I was doing for most of the muscle groups.  Wowsers.  Not that I set out to win any awards, but I was impressed.  She was ripped... in a good way not a scary way.

I went to hear a friend preach.  I think it was providential that I chose to attend his church today.  It was a sermon on Ruth 2: 1-3 and Faith in God.  It was about God's sovereignty and his involvement in the quotidian and his provision for the poor.  God is at work in all circumstances of our lives whether we acknowledge it or not.

"Look alert" came from a neighbor on Friday night.  Of course, we totally got a kick out of her saying that and wouldn't let it go for the rest of the night.  Why be alert when you can look alert?  Fake people out: look alert.

This week's goals: find a job.  Watch some movies. Read.  Come up with some subjects for articles to write... while looking alert at all times.