french toast

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I learned this "recipe" from a roommate in Vancouver. We came home from class and were ravenous. It takes fewer than ten minutes and is warm comfort food perfect for one person. It's really sweet but without sugar!

Ingredients in order of appearance:

1 egg
medium splash of milk
cinnamon
nutmeg
2 pieces of loaf bread
spray/butter/oil

1. crack egg into a soup bowl.
2. pour some milk-- you're looking for an egg-milk ration of 3:1 or 4:1.
3. stir until it looks ready to scramble.
4. 2 shakes of cinnamon and 2 shakes of nutmeg. stir mixture a little more.
5. turn on stove to medium heat. put pan on and spray/butter/oil.
6. submerge first piece of bread for about 5 seconds. then flip. repeat.
7. put in pan. flip once if possible.

I serve toast with cherry preserves and milk.

yes, I mean no

"'I'm not religious, I'm spiritual'. You ever hear girls say that? 'I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.' I go, 'Well I'm not honest, but you're really interesting.'" —Daniel Tosh

It's been one of those kick-them-when-they're-down weeks, and by "them" I mean "me." When Prof. Race told me that work was our greatest consolation, I rolled my eyes when I left his office. Now I'm beginning to see his point. There is something rewarding about accomplishing a task as piddly as it is. It gives the sense of order and justice. Right now the cause and effect button seems to be malfunctioning in my life. It's supposed to work a certain way: when I apply for a job I'm qualified, I should get it. When I ask for an awesome book for my class, my principal should say, "Of course. I'll do anything for a dedicated, talented teacher such as yourself." The wiring has gotten a little loose, and the desired outcomes did not come to be.

So to ward off my impending feelings of helplessness, I was productive today. I got up at 5:30am on a Saturday (I went to bed at 8:30--I forced myself to stay up. I could so have gone to bed at 7pm, but everybody knows you can't go to bed before Jeopardy.) I cooked oatmeal. I read about ten chapters in Genesis, which was oddly comforting. The bible is comforting in its very wildness and unexpectedness even in familiar stories. The cause and effect is on the blink-- grace does that. For instance, Jacob. Jacob is such an interesting, complex not altogether likeable character. He's sneaky. He's slick. He wrestles with God and gets a new name. Then his son Joseph is completely upright before God and men, and he's thrown into prison. But Joseph experiences God's grace and presence even in prison. God's wields his power and will in a very hands off way, yet he wields it with precision. I find comfort in that.

I spent most of the day in Gastonia, taking V. to get her done to give the Chief a break. I ran 6 miles on the Greenway while she got her done. I was afraid I'd be late if I ran the 8 I'd planned, but it would have worked out. I helped the Chief clean out her attic.

Then, I went over to M&B's and ate shepherd's pie and laughed and laughed and laughed. Whenever I hang out with them, I thoroughly enjoy myself. On the surface, our friendship makes no sense because we don't really line up in a traditional sense: we're so very different age, occupation, etc. But it definitely works. They have to enjoy my company because they keep asking for it. Our friendship reminds me of Emily Dickinson's poem that starts out with "The soul selects her own society." Friendship is no mathematical expression. I love how psychologists and other experts try to analyze and explain it. It's beautiful, wonderful mystery. I agree with CSL: friendship is the highest love.

(Sorry this is so disjointed... maybe I'll come back and edit some sense into it someday!)

the return of ralph

When I was in Japan, I was super stressed out all of the time. One time while joking with a friend on the phone about my nausea, he told me I should name it. So I knighted my nauseated state Ralph. Ralph because it's what I constantly felt like doing.

My brother makes fun of my uptight, high-strung nature... as if I chose to be wound this way! So Ralph is over for it looks like for at least a week-long visit. Sleep goes out the window when I feel this way. It's a vicious cycle.

I was waxing on to the Chief about it. She simply asked, "What's got you worried?"

Well it all started with R, the SMS art teacher, made an off-handed comment about me being unemployed next year, sitting at home unable to pay my bills. (I really think he said it in a joking manner.) This doubt has really taken root and thrived. And it has functioned as a gateway doubt for all my other dormant doubts and worries. For instance, I was sure I was going to get that part-time job as a SAT tutor, which paid well; I haven't heard from them. I have followed up. Gas prices are up. I have six weddings to attend, which is another of my personal rat holes of worry and doubt. I swear negative thoughts and emotions travel around in gangs with their little neuro-nunchucks and emotional brass knuckles. Hello, Ralph and your friend Insomnia!

When I spent so much quality time with Ralph in Japan, I prayed the Psalms of Ascent over and over again. I'd written a paper on Psalm 130 De Profundis for Darrell Johnson. Little did I know when I wrote it how much that research would serve and comfort me. The prayers are beautiful and articulate better than I ever could.

I need to remember and practice Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." This verse would make me puke except it's coming from Paul who is writing from prison and who has led a pretty tough life. He knows from experience and this whole letter is filled with his love for this people.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Wish me luck.

ode to reepicheep: review of Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I waited until I'd reread the book because it had been a long time. I'm glad I did-- it helped me appreciate the movie. Voyage of the Dawn Treader (VDT) is a poignant little ditty. Several scenes are breath-taking. CSL has a knack for coming up with simple, concrete symbolism to explain incredibly complex, esoteric ideas. For instance, Eustace the Dragon trying to rub off his skin and Aslan taking over and cutting deep and hurting Eustace in order for him to become human. However, CSL falls short with delivery and presentation. He's a brilliant chef who serves his french cuisine on dusty paper plates. Lewis's ideas are enjoyable, but he doesn't get mired down with smooth transitions or integrating different threads of story throughout the books. Perhaps he'd been seduced by the deus ex machina of the stories he'd studied. Early literature isn't overly concerned with plausibility. My uncle pointed out that although he prefers the Chronicles of Narnia that JRR Tolkien writes a far tighter and more integrated story. CSL's stories are highly imaginative and scantily clad biblical theology.

The movie is very different from the book in chronology and has fewer scenes. However, the movie tightens the story line by introducing the "green mist" as the overarching conflict. Furthermore, the movie introduces a reason for sailing by collecting the swords of the seven lords to dispel the dreaded green mist and reclaim the Narnians that had been sacrificed to the evil. The movie takes many liberties with the book, but most are in line with the book. I really missed the part of Eustace becoming a dragon and slowly figuring out that he's the dragon that he's trying to escape-- it's funny and a great explanation of the doctrine of sin. And, the other scene near the end when Aslan tells Lucy and Edmond that they won't be back. The movie leaves out the part where Lucy tells Aslan that it is He that she will miss not Narnia.

However, the best part of VDT movie and book is Reepicheep, the valiant mouse who won't shut up. He's the most endearing character in the books! He has such a huge heart, which we see with kindness and gentleness with Eustace the Dragon. We see it again as he sings his song about Aslan's land. He is all about honor and friendship; he's a knight of the first order. He's extremely comfortable with himself and doesn't accept limitation and cowers to no one or no circumstance. It's such a beautiful scene when Lucy finally gets to hug him.

the 8 mile race that was actually nine miles

Last Thursday I went to pick up my race packet at the running store. I asked the lady at the counter, "May I get my race packet?" She replied, "Which race?"
I answered, "The eight mile."
She raised her eyebrow, "The nine-mile race?"
"Sure, the nine-mile race."

This misunderstanding foreshadowed the entire course of the race. Ye gods, I even got lost going to the site... and it's on my way to work! I went the wrong direction on 485. It was very cold, which was fine. We all know the weather is no one's pet monkey. However, what was not fine is that I didn't wear enough clothes. The bagels and the cookies they that were out at the end of the race were crunchy... it was that cold. But my fellow racers were chipper and encouraging, which was much needed. The best part of the race: the sweatshirt!


Despite the adverse conditions, Saturday reminded me I do like trail running-- it's a lot of fun! Even if I completely suck at it! I always in a Lord of the Rings kind of a mood. I kind of expect to happen upon a hobbit or some other woodling creature. I bought a parking pass so that I can come back and practice.

After the race I went to my cousin's basketball game which she played the last period in which she told off a player on the other team. I was proud of her because the ref wasn't calling the foul. She wasn't rude but very straight forward. She's got some spunk in her. Then my uncle and I went to see The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We also were complete goobers and tried all the samples at Dean & Deluca then proceeded to go out and get burgers.

Later I filled out a survey that a Regent friend sent out about singles and church. It stirred up a lot of emotion that I normally avoid. Church and Christian circles are definitely the hardest places to be single. I'm not self-conscious at work or around my high school or college friends. But, around Christians, singleness feels like affliction. She's writing several articles at her blog: The Purse. She might even use some of my experiences but she'll cloak them with a pseudonym. But I think the frankness I treated her questions took a toll on me.

This afternoon I went to lunch with four people after church. It was both lovely and awkward. Small talk isn't my strong suit. Large talk, silly talk, and self talk are my specialties. I came home exhausted and thoroughly disheartened (I can't pinpoint why). I burrowed in my bed to no avail. Finally I got up and started writing my cover letter for a teaching position I'd really enjoy. I'm getting ready to cook my sister's vegan recipe for sweet potato and barley chili, spaghetti sauce and eggs and sausage. I'm gearing up for the week. The icky emotions are dissipating with the application of the good ol' Protestant work ethic. Busy does function as anesthesia.

Recently I've been engaging in activities that are excellent lessons in self-knowledge: the running, church, bible study, teaching. I'm getting schooled in my emotional, psychological and moral weaknesses. Before Randy's sermon on Sodom and Gomorrah this morning, he said the point of the this story and sermon was to highlight the profundity and necessity of the cross-- to combat what Bonhoeffer called cheap grace and Willard renamed costly faithlessness. My practical atheism is definitely under attack.

classic housemate exchange

After over an hour of conversation, I say, "There's definitely an internal logic in your thought process."
My housemate replies, "Thank you. That means a lot coming from you."

bible study

I've been waffling about my bible study but no more. The women are absolutely darling. I know that sounds fake and sentimental, but I promise I'm being neither. The women are very much themselves. This means I have a lot in common with a couple and with others next to nothing. My "least Southern Southerner" aspect comes out, especially when dealing with theology.

We discussed Hagar, Ishmael, and circumcision, which made for very interesting conversation. The Bible is incredibly odd and interesting. I feel the most skeptical in the group-- I have to say "Hold up-- that's more than a little weird." What really threw me this study is when Yahweh comforts Hagar by telling her she'll have numerous descendants and her son will be a wild donkey of a man who will constantly fight with others. She replies that Yahweh sees her. The whole interaction seems disjointed and not very believable. I need to read some commentary to make sense of it. Usually I can follow where the people are coming from, especially when they make bad decisions that make you cringe. Yep, I can identify with that. What mom would be excited to be told her son would be a wild donkey of a man?

But, I'm reading through the Pentateuch right now and I'm overwhelmed with God's choice. He's amazing, gracious, personal, truthful, powerful, humble. He's present in Abram's and Sarai's history. He knows them and loves them. The Bible doesn't seem to gloss over the characters' flaws. I love Sarai laughs when Yahweh says she'll have a son... and then she denies it. Abram believes Yahweh about having a son, but then ask for clarification about the land ("So God, what I'm hearing is...). Yahweh seems painfully plainspoken in several conversations. Your offspring will be refugees and slaves and badly treated for 400 years, but the nation will be punished and they'll come out with bounty. Yahweh also seems very specific: the land specs, Sarah will have the baby within the year. Then, it seems like there are parts when he's vague and then later on clarifies.

This Bible Study is a lot like my running club. Reading my bible and running are different activities when alone and when in community. Community is both harder and more fun. There's less room for self-deception surrounded by others. I need these women and this study in order to grow more holy in the same way I need the running club people to grow faster. P.S. Last night's track workout kicked my butt and I did the fat-kid version pyramid (3miles) while most of the real runners did a 4 mile version.