home?

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better country-- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (Hebrews 11:13-16)

These verses are fierce, raw and haunting. The words paint a stark picture... a beautiful, intense picture. They remind me of Puritan theology: John Owen wrote: "God breaks every heart differently." Or more recently, Flannery O'Connor wrote, "The truth will make you odd." This picture of faith I can believe: there's nothing about being nice or comfortable. There's nothing about being happy or satisfied. This is a picture of people who saw and worshipped a big, good God. It's a rendering of the parable of the pearl of great worth. It's the recognition of the weight of glory-- true reality. It's just that the shadows seem much easier and more real most of the time.

This longing, this ache, this yearning is very present in some of the books I'm reading. It's as CSL wrote: "We read in order to know we're not alone." I feel it as I search for a church, a job and friends. It's scary that I might not find any of them, but it's encouraging that the long loneliness has value. Biblical and lived theology are so messy, which is good... but messy.